Advice on overcoming insecurity

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Krissy

Guest
#1
#1
I am suffering from insecurity over my husbands ex wives. They continue to call and text him about advice and he says because he is giving them advice about The Lord that it shouldn't bother me and I should be supportive. They are still wanting him back and it's not strictly friendship that they want. He says I will lose if I make him choose over me and talking to them. How do I keep this from destroying my marriage?
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
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#2
You don't say how long you have been married, how old you are, nor even how many ex-wives there are.

Either he is telling the truth, and he thinks he is helping them spiritually, which means he is deceiving himself. (A man should never counsel women, unless he is a pastor, and the door to his office is always open.) He especially needs to stop doing things like having continued contact with his ex-wives.

However, it sounds like he is threatening to leave you if he can't have his cake and eat it too! I think you need to find a pastor and get some marriage counseling on this issue.

I would not let it go, personally. If he is not content with you, then he needs to be told how much he is hurting you. This is like a betrayal of your marriage vows.

Praying you get help, and your husband gets an attitude adjustment!
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#3
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#3
wives plural ?

you are a brave woman, to marry a man that is devorced more than once.
I am not sure, if I would have believed, that he really means it to
keep this time.

I have no advice how to go on with that situation of the exwifes,
you may have to live with the situation, that there is still a band
between them.

but if you say they want him back, is that jeleousy speaking ?
For one to want to take a husband back, that is probable, but more than
one, your husband is not such a price :)
but then I do not know why and how they seperated, if he left,
he is not qualifies to give "advice about The Lord" to the ones
he left behind. If they left, then well that was their decission
and you ought not to fear.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#4
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#4

I'd leave it alone... He's done nothing wrong. If it goes beyond him giving advise, then you would have a reason to feel insecure. Lots of divorcees maintain a casual relationship (verbal) with their ex's, so I wouldn't create a problem where none exist. You might listen to his conversations to make sure its as he says, and if he is in fact just giving advise, let a sleeping dog lie. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you like him to give you the benefit of doubt? Trust but verify. jmo
 
JesusMyOnly

JesusMyOnly

Senior Member
#5
Jun 30, 2014
880
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#5
God we pray you intervene in this situation. Please be with and guide Krissy giving her the courage, wisdom and strength she needs in this uncomfortable situation. Give her a peace of mind and I pray for her husband as well.


I don't like starting wars, I'm not for drama or when people start fighting. But for people to tell you Krissy to just leave it alone that he is talking to those other women? NO.


Of course you need to back up, put this in Gods hands and continue to pray about this situtation. Its gonna take prayer (maybe fasting) and forgiveness. Working on the relationship too and putting God more into the center. I'm not telling you how to run your marriage but I can only lend advice.


There is nothing wrong with him giving advice about the Lord to anyone. But, he can always direct his ex wives to someone more appropriate to talk to them. Especially because he is married to you, HIS WIFE and it is making you uncomfortable. Let him show bible scripture saying that is okay. He needs a lot of pray himself for maturing in the faith to mature as a godly man.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#6
#6
I would say that it is way beyond insecurity. You are more than likely feeling very disregarded and unloved along with a whole host of painful feelings about this situation. If you don't process through your emotions they will turn into depression and or anxiety if they haven't already. Your heavenly father wants you to be assertive and process with how this is making you feel and not stuff it down in your soul. Remember....2 C plus people don't make an A plus marriage. 2 A plus people make an an plus marriage.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#7
#7
So I would advise that you be open about how the situation makes you feel.

For example......"I feel unloved or I feel disregarded about this situation. I really want to be connected to you but this situation is causing me to feel disconnected alone and insecure. I am not so much asking you to change what you are doing but I want you to "see" my soul about this. I want you to try and understand that this is painful for me so that we can process it together as husband and wife. I want to feel protected and cherished by you."

Stick to the facts about your feelings...because they are valid. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how one is feeling...except in how the feelings are expressed.

Connection thru being vulnerable and honest should be the goal of every A plus marriage.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#8
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
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#8
Krissy said:
I am suffering from insecurity over my husbands ex wives. They continue to call and text him about advice and he says because he is giving them advice about The Lord that it shouldn't bother me and I should be supportive. They are still wanting him back and it's not strictly friendship that they want. He says I will lose if I make him choose over me and talking to them. How do I keep this from destroying my marriage?
Click to expand...
Question..........Just how many ex-wives are we talking about? Just wondering.....
 
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sassylady

Guest
#9
#9
Amazes me somebody would say leave it alone, he's done nothing wrong. His obligation is to you, they are no longer married to him and his focus is you not them. It would bother me too and I'm not an insecure person. Pray for him and your marriage. If he feels like you will lose him, say no more, just pray. No husband should put that on his wife.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#10
Mar 13, 2014
41,355
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Tennessee
#10
Krissy said:
I am suffering from insecurity over my husbands ex wives. They continue to call and text him about advice and he says because he is giving them advice about The Lord that it shouldn't bother me and I should be supportive. They are still wanting him back and it's not strictly friendship that they want. He says I will lose if I make him choose over me and talking to them. How do I keep this from destroying my marriage?
Click to expand...
Your husband should not be communicating with his ex-wives for any reason. No, you should not be supportive of him. Your husband's casual attitude about this is quite troubling. How much time do you have invested in this marriage? How many ex-wives are there? How long was he divorced before marrying you? I am believing that your husband was quite possibly responsible for these previous marriages ending in divorce. Somewhere, there seems to be a serious character flaw.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#11
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,172
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#11
Without the answer of how many wives we are talking about here I'm going to go with if he had children with any or all of them then yes, he would have to stay in contact with them. All this other stuff I am not so sure about and if I were him I would suggest to my ex's that they seek out a Pastor/Minister to get their future advise from. As when you start playing with fire sometimes you get burned.....

I don't think you are being unreasonable to question this of him and if he wanted to leave me giving me the choice of choosing me over them I personally would tell him to not let the door hit him in the you know what on the way out. I am sure your feelings are wrapped up in him because you love him. But then the other question is Just how much does he really love you? Threatening you about him making a choice is really not good or loving....

I know it is too late now but I would have questioned the ex's to start with and in my mind would have asked myself why does he have so many? Counseling is a good idea if you can get him to go there, but I seriously doubt he will go for it.

Dear Father

Please be with our sister and help her husband to have a change of heart and learn to love his wife the way she deserves to be loved. If things don't change give her the support and courage she will need to either deal with this situation or move on according to Your will and plan that You have for her life. Help her I pray in Jesus Name Amen
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#12
May 3, 2013
8,719
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#12
You did wrong choosing him to be married.

I don´t know the exact reasons you did it but probably to keep him.

If he told you "that", it´s clear he controls you (as well as others) and you´re going your own fate: That´s not glued by love.

Sorry!
 
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Sirk

Guest
#13
#13
People tend to think that "I won't make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage".... But the fact is that if we don't allow God time to heal us through conscience effort on our part we inevitably will smuggle our past into our future.
 
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sveinen

Guest
#14
#14
maybe they are still his wives..
"i don't know what's going on, but from what you write, you living with him, them texting.. kinda does sound in your corner, like. i do not know how such might strain you."
Solition The Christ somehow :)
what if it's your husbands duty to knock up the others still?
"i only remember there's some verse or two of to some specific seats in church demand of one wife." "..what are "national laws" now.. really."
 
Colorful

Colorful

Banned
#15
Dec 6, 2014
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#15
I truly hope you have the backbone to stand up for yourself and express how you feel about the situation to him. Often times, people don't always know when to pick and choose their battles in relationships... Well, if this isn't one of those battles to choose, I don't know what one would look like!

I think it's great if he wants to help bring people closer to the Lord. Having said that, there are several circumstances when it would become inappropriate for one to do so with other people. His ex wives may or may not want him back, but ultimately, that breaches the marital ethics code (at least in my opinion). Is he the only one on the planet of 7 billion people that can help them get closer to the Lord? Couldn't he at the very least say, "hey, I wish I could help you but because I am a married man and the vows I made between my wife and our Heavenly Father are sacred to me, I can't do it. Let me point you towards [someone he knows that could help], as I believe he/she would be able to help you."...

Pray before you speak to him again about it. Ask that the Holy Spirit gives you the correct words to BEST articulate how you feel and why you feel the way you do. I am deeply sorry you are having to go through this.
 
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sunburn

Guest
#16
#16
He has ex wives?!….not sure I would have married him…and they all seem to want him back?
Seriously!
 
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Sirk

Guest
#17
#17
respect – “an understanding that another person is important and worthy of being treated appropriately.”
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#18
#18
If you really think about it.....insecurity is the place where most if not all of our "sin issues" come from.
 
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