Are You Willing To Stand In Line For Love?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

First of all, I hope I can communicate these thoughts without offending anyone!! Please know that I DO NOT mean any offense to any of our wonderful members here and have nothing but respect for single parents, but I have some questions regarding blended families.

I have heard some Christians say that God's intention is for two people to marry, make each other the priority in their lives (behind only God, of course), and that children are "next in line".

What happens when, in so many cases today, children are already well-established as their parent's first love? Is there an automatic agreement that the adult will love the children, grandchildren, etc. as their first priority, and the spouse will then come AFTER these other family members?

I am curious because:

1. I once talked to a guy who was interested in dating me because he had a son and said he refused to date women who already had children. He very bluntly stated that he wanted a woman who could concentrate on his son as being her only, or at least first, child.

2. As many of you know, I dated a single dad for three years many years ago. One of the first things he told me was, "My children are the top priority in my life." Which, of course, I completely understand. (It didn't turn out that way though, he fell further into addictions and I raised his kids for him during that time.) In truth, I loved the kids much more than I ever loved him and only stayed so long because of them. No, I wasn't staying with him to be a Mom; he kept me in the situation by constantly saying, "You can't leave, the kids... (need you, want you here, etc.)" or by forcing me into situations where I had to intervene (calling their daycare and telling them to have me pick them up because he was drunk.)

So, I am wondering: if Person A has, let's say, 2 children and Person B has none, is Person B automatically to accept that they will always come after the children in the supposed Hierarchy of Love/Importance? Does a person with no children need to accept that he/she will become an automatic parent if they date someone with children, therefore making the same sacrifices?

And for a different scenario, if Person A has, let's say, 2 kids, and Person B has 3, do the adults just accept that the five other people involved (the children) will be the Top 5 Priorities and their needs, wants, concerns, etc. will always come after those five other people?

Do two people who already have children find a way to rearrange the order, making each other top priority (behind God, of course) and then try to put the children after each other, when they may have spent years making their kids Number 1?

Or, am I completely wrong and is there really no "hierarchy" at all and you just try to love everyone equally?

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and experiences!

 

[Oncefallen]

Someone told me once that the term "blended family" is very misleading, he told me that "collided family" is considerably more accurate since it is extremely rare for families to blend without a great deal of clashes between children and parents.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I'm not sure how well I can answer all of your thoughts. I'll give it a shot though, sorry if I've missed the target.

It seems to me that a single parent likely needs to be as focused on their children as possible. What this means to me is that while they are single, their children will receive all of their love. As they grow into a relationship with another adult, a different kind of love is introduced. As this love grows, I think it probably does become stronger than the love of the child. I'm sure this would cause havoc for the children and be quite an adjustment for all parties involved, but honestly I don't see it as a choice. It is the way it is.

So I guess in response to your later question, I don't think there is a chosen hierarchy. I think that the nature of love enforces a hierarchy. That said, I do think one can choose to not allow love to grow. In that, though, they must push away someone. So, if a partner refuses to grow their relationship, then their children could certainly remain at 'the top.' This isn't what marriage is meant to be, though.

In the end, I think the intimacy and maturity of a loving marriage just naturally outshine the love for a child. I would imagine that it's pretty rough on all parties, probably most so the children, to either be left, or to be brought into such a relationship. I've recently been talking to some of my friends who are single parents and honestly, even though it is incredibly tough, many of them are growing to a point that they have no interest in inviting anyone else into their family. I'm not sure I understand it completely; I know that part of it is just all the drama involved with finding a good one, but also I think some of it does have to do with the growing pains of replacing that love with the new one.

And welcome back!

 

[Jullianna]

The main reason I'm not married at this moment is that my son was my priority. I didn't want him to be moved all over the planet away from his extended family (as I was for the majority of my life) and friends, especially so soon after losing his dad. It was my choice and I made it. I'm not sorry. It was the right choice.


I was blessed to have an amazing stepdad who treated me like his own child, but not everyone in his family felt the same way. It takes very special unselfish people to make it work.


Perhaps the most important things to remember are that:


- children often don't get a say and don't choose to be put in the middle, and many of them deal with a lot of pain and anger no one ever sees or asks about.
- parents and stepparents enter into the situation by choice and with the full knowledge that someone else's children are involved, and that, while ideally a spouse should come first, they didn't. The child was there first and a parent is accountable to God for how he or she raises a child.


My son is a man of 20 now, so it's no longer an issue from my side. If I married someone with children, I would hope that I would remember what it was like to be both a stepchild and a parent raising a child and falling in love at the same time. I pray that I would handle it as graciously and lovingly as my stepfather did.

 

[Chrissy77]

In the time that I have been single, I have discussed this with many people. I believe that children did not ask to be born, therefore, they should come first when you are single and looking to go into a relationship. You do still have to nourish whatever marriage you may start while you have the children that are his or yours, but their needs need to be put first. One thing I think any parent can agree on is that no matter how your children misbehaves you will still love them. That bond between a parent is one that no one can ever get between. There will come a day when they reach maturity and be out on their own that you will be free to love till your heart is content and be able to put that other person first.

In my circumstance, I believe that if a man comes into mine and my children's lives, he is coming in as one more person to love my kids. He isn't another dad to them. They have a perfectly fine father. I expect them to respect their step father if he tells them to do something but I do not expect him to raise them. That is and will always be my job and my exes. In actuality, that should be a relief to him because he doesn't have to feel he not only has to get the kids to like him but has to be their "father" figure.

 

[zaoman32]

When single I definitely feel like my kids are coming first, obviously since I don't have a significant other. Even when I wind someone to start dating I will probably put my kids ahead of my girlfriend. But if and when I choose to get married my wife comes first period. I have this idea because the bottom line is when I get married again, I plan on being married for good. I plan on spending the rest of my life with my wife and no one else. I am not meant to spend my entire life with my kids, it's my job to raise them, and teach them, it's my joy to love them, but my sons will eventually leave and start families of their own to take care of, and my daughter will eventually leave to be a part of a family with her husband.

Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, there are people out there, as you stated, that just want to take advantage of other people, in which case it's my duty to avoid them and keep them away from my family.

 

[Catlynn]

*goes to think further on the subject* I will return later and offer my thoughts. ^_^ I've thought about and discussed this subject before but my brain needs time to get it all out correctly. lol

 

[violakat]

There is an old story that goes around explaining why people where the wedding ring on the 4th finger. Basically, the thumb represents your parents, the index your siblings, the middle finger yourself, ring finger is you spouse, and the pinky is your children. If you join your hands together and bend the middle fingers down between the two hands, you will find that the ring finger is the only finger you cannot separate. This is because your spouse is the one that is suppose to live with you for the rest of your life.

Understand, I have no children, so I can only answer from what I've seen as a teacher and just general observation. From what I've seen, when someone with children puts their children first, before their spouse, what they find is that in time, they and their spouse drifts apart, and it becomes difficult to draw closer when children leave. Not only are the parents more likely to divorce, but the children are more likely to become spoiled and rebellious, simply because they are given everything they want, including things they may not should have. They develop the idea that they should be the center of everyone's world. However, when the spouse is made a priority, the relationships tend to become stronger over time, and by the time children leave, they have a lifetime of learning who each other are and drawing close with each other. Generally, the children seem to be less spoiled and more respectful of others, as long as they are not neglected. If they are neglected, then chances are they will become rebellious. It's more of learning a balance: knowing that in order to build a lifetime relationship with your spouse means making them a priority but without neglecting your children.

 

[Hellooo]

I haven't had any blended family experience to draw from, but I think I wouldn't help feeling upset/childishly jealous if my dad put another woman first. I don't think anyone is better for him than my mom, lol. Its not particularly insightful, but I imagine it can be a little heartbreaking to lose some of the hero worship you have for each of your parents when they start deferring to someone else

 

[Jullianna]

There is a way that God intended things to be. When we start from a place other than that, there are other considerations and everyone involved needs to be flexible, especially the christian grownups, because I Cor 13 teaches us that love is patient, does not envy and is not self-seeking. We are to consider others more highly than ourselves per scripture, are we not? The same is true even in marriages where no children are involved. It's not give and take; it's give and give and give and give...

Virgins can't become virgins again. Children can't be put back into the womb. Vows made can't be ignored. We need God's guidance, patience and wisdom to move on from a different vantage point.

 

[Jullianna]

P.S. - My son is a loving, godly man who has never given me a day's trouble, is extremely protective of his family, carries a 3.8 GPA in college, wants to run the company his father started and attend seminary.

I can't even begin to imagine where either of us would be had I abandoned him for plans of my own or the plans of the man I loved. But that's just me. We all have our priorities. Our children are only children for a very short time and then we have the rest of our lives to pursue other things.

 

[zeroturbulence]

If I ever am in a relationship with a woman who has kids (and it would be hard to find one without kids these days), I would at least want her kids to see me as someone they can trust and depend upon and know that I love them like they were my own but I won't try to force that on them. And if there ever comes a time when she has to choose between me and her kids I would hope that she chooses her kids. I would never feel right taking precedence over her own flesh and blood.

 

[Jullianna]

^THAT is love^

 

[zeroturbulence]

^THAT is love^

Why thank you, ma'am

 

[Tobh]

This is an interesting thread...

As a 30 year old single mother, with one daughter going on 10yrs. I have never been in a relationship, there is no father in the picture.. I have never looked for a 'father' We have father God! I am believing God that he has a 'husband' for ME... I don't expect my man to be a father, at all... He better be a good man, Kind, encouraging and respectful of my relationship with my daughter but I def. do not want to put him in a father role, until/unless we have a child together. What's most interesting to me here is that I have never really thought about marrying a man who has a child/children!!! It's a little bit daunting... just that my life is so simple and I think a husband would quite a new challenge alone.. to add more children to the mix would be.... WOW.... I don't know? I know I would automatically care about them and be 'motherly' as that is who I am... but if the child/children were an angry or unruley kind of bunch I would struggle as I would want to correct and discipline them (not smack, just authoritive.. ) and if that would be a problem for my husband then we'd be in conflict :-( No thank you... On the other hand if I was 'expected' to be the mother automatically I might be less interested as I've seen too many women abandoned with kids, not fully appreciated or loved as a person themself and when the kids grow up - BAM, the man leaves (if he botheredto stick around that long) and that's it for her - alone. That is NOT for me.

I am happy now, a new family would be amazing... but if it's not the real deal (of God & a good loving man) then I would rather stay as I am....... I hoping for a good man... children after/with that = extra blessings... I should hope!

 

[Tobh]

After these thoughts, I am a little more concerned about meeting a man, as to his thoughts towards me... but I also could even be more understanding towards him.... hmm!

All God's best to everybody

 

[Catlynn]

So here's the deal for me. I'm a single mom of a 2 year old little girl who is the biggest blessing of my life! I am currently working a lesser paying job so that I can stay home with her because while praying after "losing" my last job, I felt strongly convicted that I need to be the one who raises her and to trust God for all of our needs. I've been learning more and more that she is His and that He is not only MY provider, but hers as well. To completely give her back to Him is something else....and to be entrusted to care for her? Wow. I am so blessed.
Now, with all of that in mind, and knowing that she is where all of my focus in life is right now, I'd have to say that, were the right man to come along, I would put him before Kyla, in a sense. That doesn't mean that she gets thrown to the wayside, but it does mean that I will submit to him even when it comes to her. I hope and pray that if I do get married that it will be to a man who talks with God on a regular basis and who I can trust to lead us. I believe that it is going to be vitally important to our marriage and to our relationship with Kyla for it to be that way. I won't be able to continue living life like a single mom + a wife if I'm ever married. We will have to work together to become a family and I will have to learn how to be a wife and mother, getting rid of the single mom mindset that is growing stronger and stronger. Things will have to change because things WILL have changed. At the moment, I do it all. I play both roles. God's grace has been and still is completely sufficient for me. However, if the time comes for a man to step into the role of husband and father in our lives, I know that respecting him and his leadership is going to be important.
Also! Note that I do not mean this for someone who is a boyfriend. Until you commit to that role, I'm not going to hand over my responsibilities as a mother and I will still put my daughter's needs first. It's hard to be friends with a single parent, let alone date one. It's an all-around uncomfortable situation because it's not the way that it was designed to be but if my husband is the selfless, godly man that I hope he would be, Kyla's needs will all be met and everything will be a-ok!

Keep in mind that I'm not dating anyone, nor are there any prospects and all of this could be COMPLETELY different when the time comes, but it's how I feel about it right now. It's how I'd like for it to be. ^_^