Can I save a relationship if I am being verbally abused?

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noer85

Guest
#1
#1
I am having difficulty with my faince. I love her, but I can not stand being abused anymore, and I have told her this. I am a very sensitive man with a huge heart. I feel as though I am now with her only out of fear of making her be in pain by me leaving. I told her so many times that I couldn't continue in a relationship where I was being mistreated and she never seemed to care. I finally gain the courage through prayer to break things off and she was devastated. She told me she would change her ways and be better to me. I haven't seen much change, and I feel as though I am somewhat checked out of the relationship. She told me she didn't think I was serious about all the times I told her I would have to leave the relationship if she didn't stop her abuse. She told me that she will now try... I just don't understand why she didn't try all along.

I prayed to god for a sign, and for the first time ever, I received a sign in my dreams last night. I dreamt that I was kissing a woman in my dream and I felt such a sense of accomplishment almost as I have overcame a huge obstacle. I don't know if this is a sign that I should continue with my fiancé and try to soften her heart, or if this is a sign that I should move on and that the accomplishment will be getting over the pain of leaving her.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
You should know that abusers have a Very low rate of change. It is possible, but quite difficult as typically they blame others for their abuse. And if a person won't own up to their wrongs, they can't change. typically they deny there is a problem at all. Which is why she never tried to change. She felt as though she didn't do anything wrong.
Here's another common trait of abusers... promises to change when they have to face the consequences. But rarely does this ever come to fruition. They will inevitably lose their cool again, and take it out on you. Personally, if i saw evidence of, or was subject to any kind of abuse, (verbal or physical) i would drop that person and run the other way. The chances they will ever change is so low, and the toll on you if you try to stay and get them to change can be devastating to a person mentally and spiritually.

Far as any 'sign' from a dream, if it's God, pray for Him to reveal it, and set it aside. I don't suggest looking for answers in dreams and interpretations from strangers. Pray about the dream, then move on without it. If an answer is meant, God will bring it in His own time.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#3
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#3
I was married for 10 years to a man who was, among other things, verbally abusive. With few exceptions, it only gets worse. Trust me, you don't want to this to be your reality for the next 20 or 30 years. Please don't make that gamble on your life. When it all crumbles, not only will you be crushed; but it will also hurt your family, your kids, and everyone who loves you.

If you are certain that she is among the minority of people who will actually achieve the change she promised, give it time. There is no rush. Breaking off an engagement hurts, but it is nothing like the severing of a marriage.
 
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hospitalpharmacist

Guest
#4
#4
Dear brother in Christ,
I learned in my long story through abuses that, unless a miracle by God that can happens but it's rare, an abusing man or woman will never stop to abuse if they don't follow a right psycotherapy for their problems. So you can only advice your fiancee to pray God and to see a counsellor. If she doesn't want to, just leave her and don't put yourself in danger of other abuses. Moreover I can say that an abusing person knows very well how to make you feel confused and guilty by telling that they could not live without you, that they would commit suicide if you'll leave them and by begging your forgiveness telling you that they will never abuse anymore. I faced personally all these steps and they are devastating
 
C

cordiolus

Banned
#5
Oct 6, 2013
25
0
0
#5
It's like this. In every relationship, regardless of the exterior image, there is a dominant party and a submissive party. Now, I think your partner is the dominant party. Not openly, but by proxy. She treats you bad, and you stick around. She knows how to push your buttons and work round your emotions. But what you must also understand is that her behaviour mightn't be deliberate.

If she has had a rough ride in her life it may just be that she would rather YOU were the dominant party. It's the old cliché that women rhyme off about having a stong man to take care of them.

You need to realise that how she behaves is very unlikely to be a personal gripe or grudge against you. It's more than likely a learned way of thinking or a result of being abused herself. She probably has a very hard time witb trust and thinks that if you stick around when she doesnt treat you fantastically then you'll always stick around. It's a paradox in some ways.

Try not to see this as her against you. I always did that myself in relationships. Until I had an epiphany one day and I actually realised this person needs my help and support and I need to grow a thicker skin.

It sounds so sexist, but some women really are the stereotypical emotional creatures that need a guy to take the reigns.

If you can understand the intense feelings of vulnerability that underly her behaviour, you can find a way to make it work.
 
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JoyofLord

Guest
#6
#6
I am sorry to hear you have been treated this way, good on you for standing up for yourself and realising you deserve to be treated better. Unfortunately some people need to be able to recognise they have a problem and want to change for themselves and not for others. Sometimes it takes loosing a good thing/person in our lives before we wake up and really seek heartfelt true change from our behaviour. The choice is yours at the end of the day but your finance could also be experiencing the effects of her childhood or family environment of where she grew up and she may need counselling to move forward from this behaviour. If she is willing to work through it, get help and seek why she does what she does to you and change, it could be the start of something great, all things are possible with God. I will pray for you both for godly wisdom bless you.
 
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Careen

Guest
#7
#7
DON'T GIVE UP ! TRUST IN MESSIAH!
HE WILL HELP YOU OVERCOME IT!:)
 
A

Alicia

Guest
#8
#8
I think your dream may have been a sign from God or it may have been your own subconscious telling you what you really already know. You've tried to break it off and she became very upset and promised to change but has not, this is typical behavior of an abusive person. She's controlling you through her emotional behavior! Do you really want to marry a person like this and spend the rest of your life tip toeing around so that you don't trigger off another outburst which could escalate into violence, do you want to bring children into this situation?
 
B

Blackson

Guest
#9
#9
noer85 said:
I am having difficulty with my faince. I love her, but I can not stand being abused anymore, and I have told her this. I am a very sensitive man with a huge heart. I feel as though I am now with her only out of fear of making her be in pain by me leaving. I told her so many times that I couldn't continue in a relationship where I was being mistreated and she never seemed to care. I finally gain the courage through prayer to break things off and she was devastated. She told me she would change her ways and be better to me. I haven't seen much change, and I feel as though I am somewhat checked out of the relationship. She told me she didn't think I was serious about all the times I told her I would have to leave the relationship if she didn't stop her abuse. She told me that she will now try... I just don't understand why she didn't try all along.

I prayed to god for a sign, and for the first time ever, I received a sign in my dreams last night. I dreamt that I was kissing a woman in my dream and I felt such a sense of accomplishment almost as I have overcame a huge obstacle. I don't know if this is a sign that I should continue with my fiancé and try to soften her heart, or if this is a sign that I should move on and that the accomplishment will be getting over the pain of leaving her.
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The truth is that courtship is not marriage. We come into courtship so that we can know each other better. But if it does not work, we are to part ways. In courtship we build each other, encourage each other, not abuse each other.
You say you love her, but i know it is just emotional. if you leave each other peacefully today, it is better, than regretting in the future.
 
J

jimmydiggs

Guest
#10
#10
You can't, but God can.
 
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