S
I feel a bit silly for asking this but think I am in trouble spiritually, emotionally and in a bit of danger.
I love God, I truly do and He has done so much for me but I feel further away from him than ever.
Every time God does something good for me there always seems to be a big temptation from the devil.
I have a great job and I have been very patient waiting for my promotion and praying for success. God gave me a month trial for the position I wanted and it's going so well.
I don't want to tell my life story but I've had a lot of events happen to me. From my childhood up until today. I need to get this out of my system. I keep telling myself God has a plan for me and he only ever puts me through a trial I can handle.
To give you some background I grew up in a domestic violence household and had to live in a Women's Hostel with my mum and brother for a while until it was safe for us. The night my mum left I woke up to blood screaming and my mum had been taken away by the police leaving me and my young brother with my dad who tried suicide in front of us. My mum then had many boyfriends who were unkind to me and my brother. My father got married to a very young Thai girl who was 19 and not much older than me which I was bullied about at school. I began not eating and developed an eating disorder. I think it was for attention as my brother hit the drugs when we went through that stressful time and was violent at school so he got a lot of attention and everyone ignored the older sister and thought I was fine but far from it. It was also to try and attract boys I think because I wanted to be loved. I tried killing myself a few times. Took lots of pills once while my dad was out, I passed out but woke up. I think God didn't want too let me go, he had a purpose for me.
My brother moved in with my dad and I stayed with mum until I ended up in the YMCA, pushed out of my family home.
I ended up toying with drugs and alcohol. Got depressed and messed around with the occult. This is how God found me. A friend of mine had recently turned into a born again believer and started telling me about God. One night I'd had enough and called him to pray and give my life to Jesus. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love that night that it had me on my knees in tears. I KNEW God was real and how much he cared about me. I was an atheist before and hated all form of religion.
I got thrown out of the YMCA and my dad asked me to move abroad to Thailand with him. I was in another country where Christianity isn't a main religion and it was mostly Buddhism. I fell off the path once again and somehow got mixed up in the wrong crowd. I started selling my body to get some money but also to thrive off the attention these men gave me as I have never felt truly loved by my family.
Several times I hit rock bottom and thought about suicide during this time. I struggled with depression and having a lack of family.
I didn't speak to my mum for several years as I was upset that she choose her boyfriend over me and my dad was bitter over the divorce so loved that I wasn't talking to her. He would get me really wound up and say bad things about her and how she had let me down. I would bitterly curse my mum and the next day my dad would call my mum and tell her and liked how it made her feel, he would also add on lots of extra things. Then my mum would get mad about me and they would both curse me. I still don't understand why my mum and dad do this. I think it's partly because they are manipulative people and maybe it makes them feel good. They do it about my brother too.
I fell out with my dad eventually. I'm a strong woman and have opinions and he is an abusive man that thinks of women as only items. From a young age he had me drinking vast amounts treating me more like a 'son' than a daughter. He would get me and my brother very, very drunk and get us to drink more. I went along with it because I wanted love and approval I guess.
Went back to the UK and my mum will be fine for a month at a time then one day she will snap. She has had a VERY problematic past and was raised in care plus my dad did not only hit her but made her do terrible things like stand up all night at the foot of the bed and not sleep. When she snaps she is aggressive, says the most awful things and throws me out. It wasn't uncommon to be homeless and I had to call a friend to stay with for a few nights feeling embarrassed. Then when I wanted things like clothes she would give me a set time to turn up then change it at last minute even though she wasn't doing anything. It's control.
I eventually met my last boyfriend who saw all this and felt for me. Also he saw that I had not much of a family and noticed my mum was very jealous of me. My mum would start up arguments with me for no reason when ever I had some confidence or independence. But I am talking text message after text message of pure evil.
Eventually I got arrested along with my mum, her boyfriend and other family members. The bank accounts I'd set up for my dad all those years ago he had been money laundering millions of pounds through and my mum had been selling viagra online. I was drawn into it and I am still on bail. I didn't know this was happening. I knew my dad wasn't 'straight' but I feel very used. My dad and mum abandoned me for good saying I shouldn't of spoken to the police when I was arrested. They said I should of stayed quiet. But I needed my innocence to be seen!
I moved away with my boyfriend and then he became violent and hit me. He started mind controlling me and telling me I had no family and friends to go to. He took my keys and phone and made me feel like dirt. I was trapped, it was awful. One night the police came after I ran out of the house to a neighbour after he beat me.
God then answered my prayers and saved me. My new boss got me booked in a hotel, helped me out financially as he took my money and got me to lodge with a Christian woman
. I began praying, going to church and finding God again. But at New Year I was alone while the lady went to see her partner and I didn't want to trouble my work mates. My ex had asked to see me. He used me for sex then threw me out. I tried to kill myself, again it didn't work as God wanted me alive
Everything got back to normal but I've fallen again and got caught up in a bad crowd. I have started selling myself on a Saturday again and was introduced to cocaine a few months ago. I have almost died of an overdose one night (which God saved me from again!!!). That night I was at a dealers house with two other men and he had guns and kept going crazy and talking about demons and pointing the gun at us. Nothing bad happened to me and I spoke about God and scripture and I was kept safe. The dealer told me when the other two men left that they proposed they should rape me but he said no. Me and the dealer had a deep talk about God and when I overdosed he took me to safety and called me an ambulance.
I don't want to do this any more. God please forgive me for all of this and help heal my scars. I also want to pray for my family and hope they find God too. I'm tired of feeling emotionally messed up about my family life. God please show me your love and forgiveness once again, you have saved me so many times already when I have been in hospital. I once again ask for your mercy. I want to give my life to Jesus and one day help others out that have gone through a troubled childhood. AMEN! Thank you Jesus.
P.S Sorry for the MASSIVE story. Just needed to vent. God bless you if you read this!
I love God, I truly do and He has done so much for me but I feel further away from him than ever.
Every time God does something good for me there always seems to be a big temptation from the devil.
I have a great job and I have been very patient waiting for my promotion and praying for success. God gave me a month trial for the position I wanted and it's going so well.
I don't want to tell my life story but I've had a lot of events happen to me. From my childhood up until today. I need to get this out of my system. I keep telling myself God has a plan for me and he only ever puts me through a trial I can handle.
To give you some background I grew up in a domestic violence household and had to live in a Women's Hostel with my mum and brother for a while until it was safe for us. The night my mum left I woke up to blood screaming and my mum had been taken away by the police leaving me and my young brother with my dad who tried suicide in front of us. My mum then had many boyfriends who were unkind to me and my brother. My father got married to a very young Thai girl who was 19 and not much older than me which I was bullied about at school. I began not eating and developed an eating disorder. I think it was for attention as my brother hit the drugs when we went through that stressful time and was violent at school so he got a lot of attention and everyone ignored the older sister and thought I was fine but far from it. It was also to try and attract boys I think because I wanted to be loved. I tried killing myself a few times. Took lots of pills once while my dad was out, I passed out but woke up. I think God didn't want too let me go, he had a purpose for me.
My brother moved in with my dad and I stayed with mum until I ended up in the YMCA, pushed out of my family home.
I ended up toying with drugs and alcohol. Got depressed and messed around with the occult. This is how God found me. A friend of mine had recently turned into a born again believer and started telling me about God. One night I'd had enough and called him to pray and give my life to Jesus. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love that night that it had me on my knees in tears. I KNEW God was real and how much he cared about me. I was an atheist before and hated all form of religion.
I got thrown out of the YMCA and my dad asked me to move abroad to Thailand with him. I was in another country where Christianity isn't a main religion and it was mostly Buddhism. I fell off the path once again and somehow got mixed up in the wrong crowd. I started selling my body to get some money but also to thrive off the attention these men gave me as I have never felt truly loved by my family.
Several times I hit rock bottom and thought about suicide during this time. I struggled with depression and having a lack of family.
I didn't speak to my mum for several years as I was upset that she choose her boyfriend over me and my dad was bitter over the divorce so loved that I wasn't talking to her. He would get me really wound up and say bad things about her and how she had let me down. I would bitterly curse my mum and the next day my dad would call my mum and tell her and liked how it made her feel, he would also add on lots of extra things. Then my mum would get mad about me and they would both curse me. I still don't understand why my mum and dad do this. I think it's partly because they are manipulative people and maybe it makes them feel good. They do it about my brother too.
I fell out with my dad eventually. I'm a strong woman and have opinions and he is an abusive man that thinks of women as only items. From a young age he had me drinking vast amounts treating me more like a 'son' than a daughter. He would get me and my brother very, very drunk and get us to drink more. I went along with it because I wanted love and approval I guess.
Went back to the UK and my mum will be fine for a month at a time then one day she will snap. She has had a VERY problematic past and was raised in care plus my dad did not only hit her but made her do terrible things like stand up all night at the foot of the bed and not sleep. When she snaps she is aggressive, says the most awful things and throws me out. It wasn't uncommon to be homeless and I had to call a friend to stay with for a few nights feeling embarrassed. Then when I wanted things like clothes she would give me a set time to turn up then change it at last minute even though she wasn't doing anything. It's control.
I eventually met my last boyfriend who saw all this and felt for me. Also he saw that I had not much of a family and noticed my mum was very jealous of me. My mum would start up arguments with me for no reason when ever I had some confidence or independence. But I am talking text message after text message of pure evil.
Eventually I got arrested along with my mum, her boyfriend and other family members. The bank accounts I'd set up for my dad all those years ago he had been money laundering millions of pounds through and my mum had been selling viagra online. I was drawn into it and I am still on bail. I didn't know this was happening. I knew my dad wasn't 'straight' but I feel very used. My dad and mum abandoned me for good saying I shouldn't of spoken to the police when I was arrested. They said I should of stayed quiet. But I needed my innocence to be seen!
I moved away with my boyfriend and then he became violent and hit me. He started mind controlling me and telling me I had no family and friends to go to. He took my keys and phone and made me feel like dirt. I was trapped, it was awful. One night the police came after I ran out of the house to a neighbour after he beat me.
God then answered my prayers and saved me. My new boss got me booked in a hotel, helped me out financially as he took my money and got me to lodge with a Christian woman
. I began praying, going to church and finding God again. But at New Year I was alone while the lady went to see her partner and I didn't want to trouble my work mates. My ex had asked to see me. He used me for sex then threw me out. I tried to kill myself, again it didn't work as God wanted me alive Everything got back to normal but I've fallen again and got caught up in a bad crowd. I have started selling myself on a Saturday again and was introduced to cocaine a few months ago. I have almost died of an overdose one night (which God saved me from again!!!). That night I was at a dealers house with two other men and he had guns and kept going crazy and talking about demons and pointing the gun at us. Nothing bad happened to me and I spoke about God and scripture and I was kept safe. The dealer told me when the other two men left that they proposed they should rape me but he said no. Me and the dealer had a deep talk about God and when I overdosed he took me to safety and called me an ambulance.
I don't want to do this any more. God please forgive me for all of this and help heal my scars. I also want to pray for my family and hope they find God too. I'm tired of feeling emotionally messed up about my family life. God please show me your love and forgiveness once again, you have saved me so many times already when I have been in hospital. I once again ask for your mercy. I want to give my life to Jesus and one day help others out that have gone through a troubled childhood. AMEN! Thank you Jesus.
P.S Sorry for the MASSIVE story. Just needed to vent. God bless you if you read this!
