Christian and single...some advice needed

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dmdave17

Guest
#21
#21
kenisyes said:
Yes. My choice to let go and trust God.
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Amen to that! We can't have it both ways. We either trust God or we don't. Partial obedience is disobedience nevertheless.

Young man, I feel compelled to say that you should probably address your problem with anxiety before you think about about anything else. Dig into Scripture. Read about God's awesome promises, including, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Joshua 1:5) When you understand the awesome love that He has for you (not just mankind, YOU), you will begin to let go of the anxiety. Your life is in His hands, including whether or not you find a girlfriend.

Remember, Jesus was very specific with his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-27, emphasis added) After all the solutions the world has to offer, only God can truly cure your anxiety.

God bless you in your quest.
 
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GuyforChrist85

Guest
#22
#22
Gaming_Drummer said:
^I'm really glad you posted that, and it's good to hear you're in a happy relationship now! One thing I need to know, though with regards to the comfort zone thing...when asking a girl out, should you wait until you have a feeling they like you first before you ask them? I know, you have to hang out with them for the connection to develop (since love at first sight is pretty rare), but when it comes to an official date, I feel like unless the person you are asking likes you back, asking someone out formally is just a way to get rejected. Is this a wrong point of view, or no?
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Drummer,

Yes, I always waited till I got enough signs that the girl is into me before I'd ask her out. As you had pointed out, you've had examples in your life where you knew the girl was into you. Although, the vast majority of women, especially in the church circles, will not let their interest be known until you show interest first. Women fear rejection just as much as us guys do.

I do not believe in love at first sight. I do however believe in infatuation at first sight, but it's only skin deep. True love takes time, patience, and the right person. It's also a choice.

Basically the key here is to look at the big picture. So many guys seem to put so much emphasis on "how to ask her out" and such. Women that like you will make it very, very easy for you to ask them out. It will come out naturally, and completely low key. Just like you talked about the connection developing, you will know if there is a connection just through talking/flirting/teasing beforehand. With this in mind, it is left to us guys (for the most part) to initiate this. Of course, pray about this as well - that you'll cross paths with one that is right for you. When you meet her and as the relationship progresses, you'll just know and have a peace about it. Like the old saying "When you know, you just know"..

Merry Christmas!
 
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Gaming_Drummer

Guest
#23
#23
GuyforChrist85 said:
Although, the vast majority of women, especially in the church circles, will not let their interest be known until you show interest first. Women fear rejection just as much as us guys do.
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What kind of interest needs to be shown? Like making it clear that you have feelings for them or is it just showing interest in being their friend and getting to know them better?

I really hope it's just the second one because as mentioned before, I've actually become so sick of rejection and/or girls I like having feelings towards other guys that I've been, as best as I can, suppressing my feelings towards girls. In other words, if I start to like a girl, unless I have a strong hint that they might like me back, I force myself to stop liking them. Is this a mistake?

GuyforChrist85 said:
Merry Christmas!
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You have a Merry Christmas, too!:cool:
 
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GuyforChrist85

Guest
#24
#24
Gaming_Drummer said:
What kind of interest needs to be shown? Like making it clear that you have feelings for them or is it just showing interest in being their friend and getting to know them better?

I really hope it's just the second one because as mentioned before, I've actually become so sick of rejection and/or girls I like having feelings towards other guys that I've been, as best as I can, suppressing my feelings towards girls. In other words, if I start to like a girl, unless I have a strong hint that they might like me back, I force myself to stop liking them. Is this a mistake?



You have a Merry Christmas, too!:cool:
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Well it's more showing a genuine interest in getting to know her, but at the same time doing so in a playful, teasing manner. Laughter is the best way to make someone relax around you. You don't have to let her know you're interested verbally, that comes across in your mannerisms and tone. You'll be able to tell (or will over time) if the girl is interested or not.

Just like many things in life, it's hard to do the first few times. After that, it gets easier and easier till it's second nature. It first takes an understanding that not all the girls you like are going to like you, and that's fine! The journey to find that "one", although painful at times, can also teach us a lot about ourselves and what we want/need out of a spouse.

When I met my girl, there were some really strange circumstances. I was dating a girl I met through my bible study who I was really attracted to, but was a horrible match for me. We did not get along at all. I met another girl in the same timeframe whom I was totally infatuated with (bare in mind I was trying Online dating which is a meatmarket).

The other girl from online turned out to be friends with the girl from my bible study (small world), and they found out about each other. Needless to say they were not okay with that and both dropped me... personally I don't think dating multiple people is wrong until a relationship forms somewhere, then it's exclusive. There were 3 other girls I was talking to online, which all disappeared - 2 after I had even gotten their phone numbers. It was weird as I never had any just vanish like that. I was out of options except for the really cute, but extremely awkward little brunette. It goes to show that God really does work in very mysterious ways.
 
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Evenios

Banned
#25
Dec 17, 2012
8
0
0
#25
um ok so your saying your not gonna have feelings for any girls cuz a few of them let you down.............?? good for you. maybe your coming on to be way too pushy and a lot of girls dont like that.
 
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Gaming_Drummer

Guest
#26
#26
GuyforChrist85 said:
Well it's more showing a genuine interest in getting to know her, but at the same time doing so in a playful, teasing manner. Laughter is the best way to make someone relax around you. You don't have to let her know you're interested verbally, that comes across in your mannerisms and tone. You'll be able to tell (or will over time) if the girl is interested or not.
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I am fine with communicating and becoming friends with girls, but here's the thing...I'm still too afraid to like them because when I like someone and they don't like me back, it's extremely disappointing, and something I've experienced far too often. And I'm afraid that if they pick up from my mannerisms that I like them, it'll scare them away. Besides, when I've been liked by girls in the past I was just treating them like a friend. Again, these aren't girls I'd want to date, but it seems like your first sentence in the quote above is what works for me the best. I'm also pretty decent at making most people laugh as long as I don't try too hard.

I know I can't totally prevent myself from having feelings towards girls, but it seems like the only girls who like me are the ones I don't go after, and it seems like every girl I like isn't interested in me. And that's been a pretty clear pattern for me. Does this ever change? And since this is a pattern, should I just wait until I'm sure a girl has feelings for me before I allow myself to have significant feelings for them (if indeed they are someone I am attracted to overall)?
 
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GuyforChrist85

Guest
#27
#27
Gaming_Drummer said:
I am fine with communicating and becoming friends with girls, but here's the thing...I'm still too afraid to like them because when I like someone and they don't like me back, it's extremely disappointing, and something I've experienced far too often. And I'm afraid that if they pick up from my mannerisms that I like them, it'll scare them away. Besides, when I've been liked by girls in the past I was just treating them like a friend. Again, these aren't girls I'd want to date, but it seems like your first sentence in the quote above is what works for me the best. I'm also pretty decent at making most people laugh as long as I don't try too hard.

I know I can't totally prevent myself from having feelings towards girls, but it seems like the only girls who like me are the ones I don't go after, and it seems like every girl I like isn't interested in me. And that's been a pretty clear pattern for me. Does this ever change? And since this is a pattern, should I just wait until I'm sure a girl has feelings for me before I allow myself to have significant feelings for them (if indeed they are someone I am attracted to overall)?
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The fear is something you'll have to ask God for strength to overcome. Fear is the opposite of faith. Will you face rejection in the future? Of course, we all have and will. Also remember that the past does not equal the future. The girls you persue in the future are not the same ones from your past.

I could be wrong, but from what it sounds like is that you're coming on waaay to strong to the ones you like. It should be very casual. Get to know her a little bit, flirt around, then casually say something like "let's get together and do so-and-so this day at this time, you free?" That's it, once you see this for yourself it's easy from there. It all comes down to your mindset. If you come across as needy or like your life depends on her saying yes, she'll probably say no. You have to have a "take it or leave it" attitude. Light, funny, and casual is the key.

I'm guessing by "feelings" you're saying attraction. If you're playing a future relationship in your head with this girl beforehand, then you're setting yourself up for pain. That's something I had done before and it's no good.
 
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Gaming_Drummer

Guest
#28
#28
GuyforChrist85 said:
Get to know her a little bit, flirt around, then casually say something like "let's get together and do so-and-so this day at this time, you free?" That's it, once you see this for yourself it's easy from there.
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Just double checking, it's best to wait until you see that feelings are mutual, right?

GuyforChrist85 said:
I'm guessing by "feelings" you're saying attraction. If you're playing a future relationship in your head with this girl beforehand, then you're setting yourself up for pain. That's something I had done before and it's no good.
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Yeah, that's what I'm trying to stop. It seems like when I don't do that, I don't feel as dependent on a relationship with them.
 
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GuyforChrist85

Guest
#29
#29
Gaming_Drummer said:
Just double checking, it's best to wait until you see that feelings are mutual, right?]
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Yes, I'd wait for at least some signs. Some women are very subtle though, so you'll have to really pay attention. Like for example if you just meet her, you ask for her name. Don't offer yours, see if she asks... things like that. If she does not ask your name, very likely she's not interested. Practice makes perfect on this just like anything in life, you'll learn by putting yourself out there. Of course in all of this, pray about this area of your life and ask God to guide you.


Gaming_Drummer said:
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to stop. It seems like when I don't do that, I don't feel as dependent on a relationship with them.
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This is a hard thing to overcome. When you want something, your mind does tend to wander. This is where your mindset and self-image are key. Have a list of what YOU want in a woman, she must PROVE that she has it, you cannot assume she does. I got a handle on this just through the sheer volume of podcasts and reading God's word I did when I was trying to get straightened out. It helped me discover who I am, what God thinks of me, and what my main purpose here in Earth is. My purpose is to not find a wife, it's to be a disciple of Christ. If she fits in with my mission in life and my needs from a companion, then it's a good fit.
 
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weng

Guest
#30
#30
SO EASY ....LIFE IS A GAME,COMPLICATED SOMETIMES,A LOTS OF RAINBOW COLORS THATS THE REALITY OF LIFE... JUST ENJOY THE JOURNEY!!!BUT AT LEAST WHEN TIMES GET ROUGH,OR TURNS UPSIDE DOWN WE HAVE GOD WE CAN CALL ON...HANG ON HIM..HE THE BEST ANSWER YOU COULD EVER HAVE.HAVE FAITH!!!AND LET GOD DO THE REST...RIGHT GIRL??? BELIEVE THAT GOD HAD ALREADY PREPARE SOMEONE FOR YOU ,IN THE GOD'S TIMING WHEN YOU ARE READY TO COMMIT!!!! JUST ENJOY THE RIDE!!
 
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