Dealing with emotional abuse from mother; considering severing relationship

[proverbs31woman29]

I have an extremely abusive relationship with my mother. While there is nothing physically abusive about it, there is a lot of emotional abuse. Throughout the years, I have constantly been criticized, called names like lazy and stupid, threatened with violence, and told that I would never amount to anything if I don't things her way. And if she is not putting me down, she refuses to even speak to me at all. Even my attempts to improve my relationship with her have been shut down. One day, I asked if her and I could speak to each other like two adults. Her response: I don't feel like it. It really hurts to feel so rejected by my own mother.

My family tells me that I should just deal with it because she's my mother, but I cannot continue dealing with her behavior toward me anymore. I have had to go to counseling over this. I am conflicted because I know that the Bible says to honor thy father and mother, but I don't want to continue a toxic relationship that will cause further damage to me.

Any advice?

 

[zaoman32]

A mother is someone who loves and cares for you. Emotional abuse is very difficult, I dealt with it for a number of years, it can typically lead to depression, and if left unchecked, bitterness and anger. The thing with people who are like that is, it's very difficult to change from that behavior of putting others down. I wouldn't say to completely sever the relationship, but I don't think distancing yourself is a bad idea. Let her know you love her and care about her, check in on her every now and again, but try to distance yourself a little bit. And if she starts on that put down crap again ignore her and leave, if she gets angry let her know why. And if she continues, again don't let it breathe, ignore it or leave.

 

[danschance]

I have an extremely abusive relationship with my mother. While there is nothing physically abusive about it, there is a lot of emotional abuse. Throughout the years, I have constantly been criticized, called names like lazy and stupid, threatened with violence, and told that I would never amount to anything if I don't things her way. And if she is not putting me down, she refuses to even speak to me at all. Even my attempts to improve my relationship with her have been shut down. One day, I asked if her and I could speak to each other like two adults. Her response: I don't feel like it. It really hurts to feel so rejected by my own mother.

My family tells me that I should just deal with it because she's my mother, but I cannot continue dealing with her behavior toward me anymore. I have had to go to counseling over this. I am conflicted because I know that the Bible says to honor thy father and mother, but I don't want to continue a toxic relationship that will cause further damage to me.

Any advice?

Sorry you have been victimized by your own mother. Yes we should honor our parents, but that does not include subjecting yourself to further abuse and harm. I hope you have forgiven her and realize she herself is a wounded person. Wounded people tend to wound others.

I am glad you are in counseling and on the journey to healing these wounds. A mother should be a source of nurturing and love. Too bad she failed at this and do so much harm. Words can hurt as much as fists and do much harm to a kid.

I know a lady who also was wounded by her mother. She had a crush on a boy in the 3rd grade. Her mother told her she was a whore because of she had a crush. That one sentence from her mother caused so much damage to all her future relationships. She can't enjoy intimacy with her husband. I myself was verbally and physically abused by my mother.

 

[yac11]

I have an extremely abusive relationship with my mother. While there is nothing physically abusive about it, there is a lot of emotional abuse. Throughout the years, I have constantly been criticized, called names like lazy and stupid, threatened with violence, and told that I would never amount to anything if I don't things her way. And if she is not putting me down, she refuses to even speak to me at all. Even my attempts to improve my relationship with her have been shut down. One day, I asked if her and I could speak to each other like two adults. Her response: I don't feel like it. It really hurts to feel so rejected by my own mother.

My family tells me that I should just deal with it because she's my mother, but I cannot continue dealing with her behavior toward me anymore. I have had to go to counseling over this. I am conflicted because I know that the Bible says to honor thy father and mother, but I don't want to continue a toxic relationship that will cause further damage to me.

Any advice?

I have advise and though my relationship with mother was toxic, it was not physical abuse but was borderline emotional abuse, because she was clinically depressed, severely. We were left in her care as my father was gone 4 days out of every week flying airplanes for a commercial airline. It was crazy.

My advise is to honor thy mother by calling once in a while. Visit her if possible when she is bed ridden to bring her food and drink which shows you care. Shine your light on her when you see her. Tell her that you love her, even though you are not getting anything in return. Other than that, I think that is honoring a mother though she doesn't deserve it. Just like we didn't deserve Christ gift of sacrifice.

 

[hospitalpharmacist]

Dear proverbs31woman29
we share a similar story. I feel close to you and I'm really sorry for you situation. My mom threatens me in the same way and in a way with worse behaviour. I understand your confusion about Bible because I had this too. But remeber that we are all sinners. Our dad and mother are sinners too. Christ told us to forgive and pray for our enemies but He didn't tell us we have to keep leaving with abusive parents. You need to leave home dear, no way. You can go on loving your mother because she gave you the life and if you want go to home family home to visit her but please pray God give you the strenght and courage to live that situation. I will pray for you
PS: If you want to talk my inbox is always opened

 

[Lucy68]

Sounds like you have more maturity than your mother. It's hard to see our parents 'correctly' because we have an ingrained childhood impression of them. But as you grow in the Lord, He will help you to have a healthy self-image apart from how you think your parents see you (we see ourselves through their eyes until we learn to see ourselves through Christ's eyes).

It is possible to still love and honor your parents...even you don't like them very much . Just takes practice...and the Lord's leading. Sometimes, that means limiting our exposure to them.

Praying for you and your mom....love, forgiveness,understanding, and the Spirit's leading.

 

[lcerveny]

I have dealt with the same stuff with my mother for over 45 yrs. Last year I said no more. I believe that it hurt my relationship with God. Since I have not spoken to her I feel happier and more peaceful. If she called me and wanted to seek counseling or asked for my forgiveness then I would work on the relationship. It has been over a year with no word from her. I believe God wants it that way for now so I can focus on my relationship with him. He is healing all my wounds and that takes time. (My family is not saved) I would ask God to speak to you regarding your relationship with your mother and maybe also talk to a mature Christian from your church. God bless you!
Yes we are to honor our parents but I don't think God expects us to be emotionally abused in the process.

 

[scottish]

Anything I would say has already been said by the earlier wise replies. I can only wish you the peace of mind that the Lord wants you to have. Emotional baggage as I have experienced only leads to stress and depression, and this is no way for you to go. I always like to remind myself of Mathew 7:7

Ask and it shall be given to you,
Seek and you shall find,
Knock and the door shall open.

Keep asking my friend and you will find the answers and the way forward for you to have a peaceful life's journey. Look after yourself for as you have obligations to your family, you have an obligation to look after yourself.

 

[Gabrielle1919]

proverbs31woman, it's amazing how many people have this story! But that's God I suppose. I too was emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my mother. She was my only source of financial support so I thought I had to put up with it. I just want to say, that now that I live with my father, I've learned to forgive her, and es, distance myself from her. The bible says to honour your parents, it also says don't provoke children to wrath. You'll be fine. The best wayt to homour her is to to keep your distance. and keep her in prayer.

 

[intercessorginger]

Well, I strongly disagree with the family who says "deal with it because she is your mother." The bible tells us to honor our parents but it does not tell us to put up with abuse or remain in it. An abusive person does not improve when they have a victim to mistreat......
Get out of the situation as fast as you can is my advice to you. I do not believe this is the will of God for you, since he gave his life to give you life abundant!
Forgiveness is something you will have to walk through, but it's easier and better if you are away from the abuser, then with them. Once you are safe and living a normal life, you will be able to pray for your Mom as well.

 

[RedTent]

I think an abusive person hurts not only the person they are abusing, but themselves. The abuser is acting out a deep problem they have, it has nothing to do with the person being abused.

God used your mother and father when He created you, and God asks that you honor and respect them for that. I think you can do that and still separate yourself from them as abusers. The alternative would be to help them find healing for themselves, or you gain an almost superhuman ability to allow it without it affecting you negatively.

 

[Share55]

I sure hope I am not that type of mother. I have learned to shower my children with love and praise at all times probably because of the parents of yesteryear mine included.
Just recently a young man was telling on facebook how he was nearly in an accident not by his fault and his sister and another were just saying your stupid and dumb so I commented that I was glad he was okay and his comment back to me was somewhat rude and I thought 'wow' but in consideration I guess I was far enough in relationship from him it was easier to be mad at me then his sister.
I grew up in a life where there were favourites and those who were detested. Favourites because they were good-looking, well-to-do, easily placated, or because they were mean and the abuser was afraid of them. I told my mom if she didn't have the guts to tell that person off I would but don't turn on me because she was offended by someone else. I let my family know in no uncertain terms that they were not to bring any harm against my mom or else I would be searching for them.
I stayed away from my family because they were too negative and violent for my liking and my parents loved to have them all around. I told my mom and dad and they talked with the others because although they were also caustic they still loved most of us. There was one sister who never made it in their good books and why to this do I know not but my heart really hurt for her because she wanted so much to just be accepted along with her children. I tried to ask why but was told that she was loved but it was never shown.
We may grow up under one roof but we never know what secrets lie behind closed doors although I have a very good guess as to why and sometimes your worst enemy is another sibling.
I always strive to love all my family and to keep the peace but I could never get the others to treat the one the same as all the others and although on my mother's death bed she tried to mend the rift hurt feelings run deep. Some have changed and now treat her 'nice' but only time and action will heal the wounds with God's help.
Not knowing your circumstances I would tell your mom of your love for her but unwilling to put up with her caustic behaviour with no reason as to why. I would also venture that if there is something wrong that you can help her deal with so that she can find peace in her life you would be willing if it is within your power to do so.
Most importantly I would pray to God to find a resolution to the problem, leave it with Him and 'live'. There comes a time in life when we should just walk away and 'let God'.

I choose to be matter-of-fact at times because I don't leave myself open to be hurt and I was taught as a child not to show fear because that is what the animals smell and will attack.

I came to realize that my mother went through a horrendous life bringing her children up but tried the best she could but she was only human facing fear, threats, anger, betrayal, loneliness, great loss and all the other ills of this world and she dealt with it the best way she could with great burdens.

I pray that you and your family find that God loving peace.

 

[proverbs31woman29]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I agree that distancing myself from her is the best move. This may be a lot easier soon because I am being considered for a few jobs in another city, so I will have to move anyway. I love my mother, but I also have to be mentally and emotionally healthy as well, and I believe that we are better people when we're apart. I will continue to pray for her though.

 

[RedTent]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I agree that distancing myself from her is the best move. This may be a lot easier soon because I am being considered for a few jobs in another city, so I will have to move anyway. I love my mother, but I also have to be mentally and emotionally healthy as well, and I believe that we are better people when we're apart. I will continue to pray for her though.

I and my daughter have the same problem you do, except it is my daughter who constantly sneered at me and put me down. When she was born, her 2 year older sister had to be carried, walked the floor with, hovered over constantly because her asthma was so extreme that she would turn blue because she couldn't get her breath. I had no time or strength for her, I usually didn't have time to put on nightware for bed, even, but slept on blankets on the floor by her sister's crib. She told me when she was older that she always knew she could depend on no one to care for her. She bonded with her sister, but not me. When I had time for her she turned from me.

She has never returned my love, evidently her hurt was too deep. Now she is elderly, too, and over the years this turned to treating me with total lack of respect. She gave me money, fixed my house, got my groceries, she is a dream and a doll. But I had to put up with being sneered at. She told a friend that the way she treats me is beyond her understanding, it isn't her, but still that is the way she treats me.

I told her that I thought we should separate, it isn't good for either of us. Now, I have only dial a ride for anything, even groceries. I tried to go back on my decision, and she will have none of it.

Even at how much this is costing me, I believe the separation is best for both of us. She knows it is not because I don't love her, she understands that I am not any way angry, or even blaming her. It is just best for us.

 

[POWKIE]

I am going through the same thing you are, I left a home because she attack me and threaten my daughter. I was raised to honor your mother and father, however God opened doors for my daughter and I to escape and start a new life. I love my mother and I forgive her but at this point it is best that we have no contact. My counselor and some of my family members agree a separation is needed, my advice to you is to distant yourself, pray to God for restoration and above all forgive her.

 

[lcerveny]

I have to say that I am not there yet to completely forgive my mother. To say she has had a hard life is stupid because no one has an easy life. That is no excuse for a mother to abuse her child. Get help.............I did. Just saying. I really don't think those excuses will work when we stand before the Lord.

 

[hattiebod]

There has been some very wise words said in this thread...the bottom line is you cannot change your mothers past behaviour, you cannot base your belief in yourself in such a negative and often damaging treatment...but, we are daughters (and sons) of the King. We know who values us and we know the forgiveness we have been given..freely. So, we can endeavour to do the same. But, as many have said, it does not mean we submit to bad treatment. No. We respect, we set boundaries and we love. Easy? no, not at all...this is your 'cross' but your carrying of it is so powerful. Forgiveness is not for them out there...forgiveness is for us, for you. God Bless You, Hattie <><

 

[Powemm]

"Remember" and "believe" who "God says" " you are". Believe Him over any man.. We suffer because we do not know, or have forgotten to believe Gods truths. Remember also, those who do not know who God says they are do not know the truth about who God says they are, therefore they can not and do not know the truth about you.
Everything God is, He instilled in you. You were formed and created by Him , from His image.
He is Holy - therefore you are Holy.
He is good- therefore you are good
He tells us, with Him we can do anything- therefore we can
He gives us His thoughts/ His word, therefore we can "trade in" a negative thought or comment made by any person and believe God instead.
He says you are righteous-so believe it
He says you are beautiful- you have been created from "His image", no man can duolicate another you. God made you a "one of a kind" never has there been anyone that looks like you or has what he has put in you. you come from His design.. He knew you before your mother ever laid eyes on you. He foreknew you!
He says you are worthy, he values you so much that he knows the very number of hairs on your head..

Time to trade in "who" you have been believing.. There is a choice , a free will given to us by God to "choose" who we believe . It is always better to believe God and who He says you are over man and who he (little god) "thinks" you are .
We all have one Father in heaven who knows and calls us by name, He has us written in the palm of His hand.. but not all know the Father.
You will find your peace, your mind, and your joy increased by believing His truths over mans.
God bless you as He brings you into His perfect will.