Divorcing and So Broken

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sandjsmama

Guest
#1
#1
I asked my husband to leave 12 weeks ago after years of emotional and psychological abuse. I tried so hard for so long to keep the marriage intact. There is nothing spiritually or practically that I did not try, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and my children were being affected, especially my teenage son.

I wasn't sure when we separated what would happen, but his refusal to accept any responsibility for his abuse (and alcoholism) and his relationship with an "old friend" have led me to divorce. I am so broken, so beaten down, and I just don't know how to overcome the pain. I am in Christian counseling and my church family is so supportive, but the pain is almost unbearable.

I guess I am just hoping for some support from folks who are or have been in similar situations...
 
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Sirk

Guest
#2
#2
sandjsmama said:
I asked my husband to leave 12 weeks ago after years of emotional and psychological abuse. I tried so hard for so long to keep the marriage intact. There is nothing spiritually or practically that I did not try, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and my children were being affected, especially my teenage son.

I wasn't sure when we separated what would happen, but his refusal to accept any responsibility for his abuse (and alcoholism) and his relationship with an "old friend" have led me to divorce. I am so broken, so beaten down, and I just don't know how to overcome the pain. I am in Christian counseling and my church family is so supportive, but the pain is almost unbearable.

I guess I am just hoping for some support from folks who are or have been in similar situations...
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I'm sorry that you are hurting. You must be very scared and very scarred. Being at the receiving end of another's anger tears you down.
 
J

jogoldie

Senior Member
#3
Mar 20, 2014
1,616
48
48
#3
Dearest sister.....many years ago i went through what you are going
through now..... and the pain is a greiving process......once you start
your new routine it gets easier day by day......the thing that helped me.....
was when i was feeling bad......id get on my knees and thank God for
the plan He has for me.....the adventure i was about to start.....
I found myself looking back and trying to figure what went wrong.....
what could i have done different......or what did i miss.....let me save you some
time.......the answer is.......nothing....years after .....my ex husband said to
me......was i really that bad.....the alcohol blocks their memory......
truth be told.....he is an amazing man.....when alcohol wasnt involved...
We cannot change anyone.....their choices are theres....heck...we cant
even change ourselves without God....so pray for him.....pray for your
peace.....things will start to get better....im here for you...if you need a
shoulder.......may peace and joy find you soon....jo
 
V

Virgarus

Member
#4
Aug 5, 2012
40
2
8
#4
So true what jogoldie says. I was once in the same situation. When we say "I do," we usually mean it, and mean it to last forever. For better, for worse. The pain of disappointment combined with the pain of not knowing what the future holds when you remove yourself from your comfort zone will lessen as time goes on and you start a new routine way of life. Its very hard when children are involved, because they have to adjust too. Better for them to be in a stable secure nurturing environment than in one where there's discord and dismay. Your child's adjustment depends on you; how well you adjust. Your adjustment begins when you develop a new mindset. Stay focused on your future, not your past. You will see many doors began to open for you once you have moved on. God looks after His own, and remember, He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Best wishes to you and God bless.
 
P

pwrnJC

Banned
#5
Dec 1, 2014
1,430
27
0
#5
Sister...may I say "GOD BLESS YOU" for this advice and knowledge you just shared is RIGHT on Target ! The holy spirit has used you mightily, learning from your past and now passing this on to someone who has the same issues. That is what CHRISTIANITY is all about....caring, loving, nurturing those in pain and sorrow and you SHINE!
 
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sandjsmama

Guest
#6
#6
Scared and scarred...I've been searching for the right words to describe my pain, and you've nailed it. R hats exactly how I feel. Thanks!
 
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Sirk

Guest
#7
#7
sandjsmama said:
Scared and scarred...I've been searching for the right words to describe my pain, and you've nailed it. R hats exactly how I feel. Thanks!
Click to expand...

For me....learning a new vocabulary to describe painful emotions made a huge difference in how I now process my own pain. What I learned is that unprocessed pain leads to anger anxiety and depression which lead to insecurity and self harming behaviors....addictions, sins etc. My suggestion to you, to help you in your grieving process, is to google a list of painful emotions so that you have the words to describe your own...it'll make a huge difference in how you pray for yourself and others.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#8
#8
My ex abused our children and molested our twin daughters and to this day says it was my dad and he got the blame. (Even his attorney knew he was guilty) We had been married 25 years and for a few years I went through a lot of different doubts and emotions. But just hang on to God, ask for His healing and guidance as you begin your new life as a single mom. Be prepared for the inevitable problems that will come up with the children and be sure to get them and you the help you need. I thought since they were children they would recuperate easily, the problem was out of the house, but it has been a 10 year journey so far of healing.

Not trying to discourage you, but there will eventually be light at the end of the tunnel. It wouldn't be fair to tell you it's going to happen easily or quickly. And you will have your share of people that think you should "just get over it and move on". It is not that easy. I've experienced a lot of condemnation from others because there are still some emotional issues. We all heal in our own time and listening to others too much can cause a lot of doubts you don't need.
 
Jesus4ever

Jesus4ever

Senior Member
#9
May 18, 2015
783
19
18
#9
May the Lord bless all of you, dear sister! I´ll pray for you.
 
Shannon50

Shannon50

Senior Member
#10
May 9, 2015
184
2
18
#10
lots of support here-- there is a divorce and seperation group too, that's been newly started, that you can join in here-- talking about how you're feeling/ dealing with things will help. Right now is when you need to recieve; don't ever feel ashamed for asking for/ accepting support (just saying that was the most difficult part for me--) hugs.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#11
#11
I have no advice, but know a weary, frazzled woman who KNOWS without a doubt that God heals all things, is praying for you. So Besides that I will offer my favorite Bible verse of encouragement.
Isaiah 40:31 but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as the eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
I love this verse for 2 reasons: 1. it's just encouraging to me to know that I can fly like an eagle at God's urging. And 2. I love the duality of the verb "to wait". On one hand it means to be patient....like waiting for a friend or a bus. On the other hand it means "to serve" Like waiting tables in a restaurant. So be faithful to God while you're being patient on the healing to occur, and you will soar!!
 
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iveseenworse

Guest
#12
#12
sandjs, your situation sounds painful. i will pray for your family.
 
Wornwarrior

Wornwarrior

Senior Member
#13
May 11, 2015
172
3
18
#13
I know it is hard sandjsmama, I am going through a separation right now and it kills me to see what it does to my 3 year old girl. The only comfort we can find, is in Christ our Lord. When it hurts, call out to Jesus. When you feel confused, ask him for clarity. When you feel alone, remember His promises to never leave us alone. A ruined marriage can destroy our trust in all people, but it will never destroy our trust in God because He proves over and over again that His Word is true and He is faithful. I tried everything too, to save my marriage but his verbal attacks were destroying me. He still blames me for everything that has failed, takes no responsibility just like you said yours wont either. Said our marriage, our daughter, and the 8 years were just a mistake. However he is the one who was unfaithful so many times. So I know the pain, I feel it everyday. Every text he sends, every call, every time he leaves and my daughter wails for her daddy. The only relief is when you let God hold you up sister. Be with Him, spend as much time as you can in His presence. Even if its only to weep...you will find peace and mercy at His Holy feet. Praying for you Sandjsmama. Like Shannon50 said there is a divorce/separation group here and it really does help to talk to others who have been there...or are still there. God bless you, you are not alone!
 
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sandjsmama

Guest
#14
#14
Sirk said:
For me....learning a new vocabulary to describe painful emotions made a huge difference in how I now process my own pain. What I learned is that unprocessed pain leads to anger anxiety and depression which lead to insecurity and self harming behaviors....addictions, sins etc. My suggestion to you, to help you in your grieving process, is to google a list of painful emotions so that you have the words to describe your own...it'll make a huge difference in how you pray for yourself and others.
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As my friends have tried ao desperately to offer me comfort, I've had such a difficult time explaining my pain/situation. This is auch a wonderful idea. Thanks!
 
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Sirk

Guest
#15
#15
sandjsmama said:
As my friends have tried ao desperately to offer me comfort, I've had such a difficult time explaining my pain/situation. This is auch a wonderful idea. Thanks!
Click to expand...
It will be helpful for you also to make known your expectations to who you are expressing it too...ie....if you want feedback or not...if you want understanding and empathy or if you want solutions. It's very important to make known how you want others to relate to you. Otherwise it can be a frustrating experience.
 
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