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This is really long so feel free to skim or read it in parts. I am mostly doing this for myself. I grew up in a Christian family and was saved at an early age (I don't know if I completely understood but I made sure when I was 16) When I was 19 I was diagnosed with depression and have battled it off and on my whole life. If I am honest I put my mother in God's place. I loved her more than anyone on this earth and I depended on her for a long time. I was "failure to launch." I did finish college but every job made my anxiety awful and I couldn't work consistently. My niece was born while I was in college. My sister couldn't take care of her, had a lot of mental issues herself, so my mother took over the raising of her with my help. So here I am 2009 still thinking that one day I will get my life together and everything will be fine. I will have a home of my own, kids, the whole fairytale. Then I hear the word cancer. I didn't hear the word cancer really for about a month. I kept hearing the words, no children. EVER. For a while I couldn't bear to be around babies. I now see this as a huge gift but I will explain that later. I have been a rapture fanatic since 2004. I have long for, begged for, hoped for the rapture my whole life. I never once thought I would die. Now I was facing death and it was amazing. I know I sound like a crazy person but it was the deepest trust I have ever had in God. It was the strongest conviction I ever had of saying LET YOUR WILL BE DONE. Those are the most awesome and the most dangerous words a Christian can utter, akin to praying for patience. The day of my second chemo, I found out my mother had cancer. Then the pleading, begging, and barganing began. I said please let her live, then just let her live 2 more years so I can get stronger, then at least a year lord, and of course take me instead! As an aside there was this little girl, not even 7 years old yet, with autism. There was no one to take over to raise her. I still wasn't out of the woods. My brother has always had major mental issues I don't really know what his diagnosis is. We were discussing what to do with her and he attacked me and nearly killed me. My bones were brittle from chemo so I got a hairline skull fracture. It took me a long time to say instead of He is sick, he can't help it etc, to he is abusive. I got a clean bill of health that summer and I talked to a lovely social worker who gave me the best advice possible. Take it one day at a time. You can always make that call to social services but once you do there is no going back. So I gave my mother the peace she needed that I would take care of Rebekah and she could go. She died December 1st, 2010. I found out my cancer was back in a lymph node in January. Got radiation and finished that in May. By November 2011 I was about ready to end my life. My sister had given us bedbugs and we had a huge infestation before we realized it. I can't describe it it is the worst thing I think you can go through. I checked myself in a psych ward because I couldn't take it anymore. So that fall we fought it will everything we could. My landlady chose that time to renovate the place so she put us in a nice hotel for 2 weeks. I came home with Scabies and Valley fever. I was so sick. I am going to skim over the next part because it is complicated. My sister, brother, and I had a disagreement and there are all these sides of what was said and wasn't said and who lied to who but bottom line I got legal guardianship of Rebekah. Then the next year I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis (autoimmune disorder) and then I spent several days in the hospital that year being told I had cellulitis and by 2014 they realized it wasn't cellulitis it was another autoimmune disorder (stills disease), meanwhile my dad was getting hard to take care of. He has bipolar/dementia and my brother was intent on getting him out of the house. I felt financially threatened (we all received ssi/social security etc) but one day my brother said when he walks in that door he's a dead man. I just ran upstairs with Rebekah to get dressed to leave to give him some time to cool off not really thinking he meant it, but then he put his fist in my door. My brother has knocked down or damaged my door 3 times and something in me snapped. I left called the police who told me to get a restraining order. That was so hard and I still question if I did the right thing because he became homeless and is now in a board and care. Then my dad basically took over in his own way and ultimately I had to ask him to live in a board and care and at least he is happy. I don't know if my brother will ever forgive me but I felt like for once in his life I had to say this is not okay.
So, I had my thyroid removed between the two incidents and was told they found cancer but it was so tiny no treatment is necessary. So I am a 3 time cancer survivor, yay. Then, guess what? I found bedbugs in my dad's room. But this time God is helping me fight and keeping me calm. I feel like we are very close to having none left and I thank him for allowing me to find them early on. I am soon going to be moving after living in the same place for 21 years. I am scared and I hate the unknown, but I never have had a sense of how big God is until going through all these trials. Also I have all I can handle in regards to taking care of Rebekah that I no longer mourn not having children. I am also at peace being single. I really am understanding the joy of the Lord. No matter what may come my way, this too shall pass and I haven't ever been sucidal again. I don't understand a lot of the whys as to what has happened in my life, and I question sometimes if I have made the right choices, but all I know is God has brought me through all of this and I can understand now more than ever that we praise him for the good and we praise him in the storms because this whole life is so temporary in the context of eternity. I am looking to my future and that future will more than make up for anything I have to struggle with on this earth. Thank You for allowing me to share with you.
So, I had my thyroid removed between the two incidents and was told they found cancer but it was so tiny no treatment is necessary. So I am a 3 time cancer survivor, yay. Then, guess what? I found bedbugs in my dad's room. But this time God is helping me fight and keeping me calm. I feel like we are very close to having none left and I thank him for allowing me to find them early on. I am soon going to be moving after living in the same place for 21 years. I am scared and I hate the unknown, but I never have had a sense of how big God is until going through all these trials. Also I have all I can handle in regards to taking care of Rebekah that I no longer mourn not having children. I am also at peace being single. I really am understanding the joy of the Lord. No matter what may come my way, this too shall pass and I haven't ever been sucidal again. I don't understand a lot of the whys as to what has happened in my life, and I question sometimes if I have made the right choices, but all I know is God has brought me through all of this and I can understand now more than ever that we praise him for the good and we praise him in the storms because this whole life is so temporary in the context of eternity. I am looking to my future and that future will more than make up for anything I have to struggle with on this earth. Thank You for allowing me to share with you.
The part that DID catch my eye was where you talked about having cancer. Congrats to a fellow survivor!