Written in 2005
This is My testimony of my faith, and the struggles Ive gone through in my life. I live here in central Washington in a very conservative, and very religious town. Ive always had strong Christian beliefs, even if I didnt always follow them. Nowadays Im very strong in my faith and I try live in obedience to God. There is one big thing Ive always struggled with: My sexuality. Not just struggling with who and what I am, but also with the way Im percieved by others. Just Let me start from the beginning and Ill tell the whole story:
My Childhood.. I was the fifth out of six. A quiet child, and I often preferred my own company but there were reasons for that, like an abusive father, and an even more abusive older brother. That house was always in termoil, a virtual hell on Earth, and school wasnt any better. The only thing I could do was to look to God to help me through those painful times.
My Walk with God.. When I was about ten I started going to church. It was a Baptist church just around the corner. I dont remember much about Sunday School there, but I remember learning all the Fundamentals. Ill always remember going to church camp when I was twelve where I accepted Jesus as my savior. That was a memorable day for me in my walk with God. I got Baptized soon after that.
Sometimes I went to church with my grandparents. I didnt care too much for my grandpa. My grandma on the other hand was a really good person, and a good Christian too. I always thought she was perfect and sinless, and I so badly wanted to be a good Christian like her. Their church was alot different than the Baptist church I went to. It was a radical sect of the Pentecostal church. I later realized that this church was a cult, mainly because of theyre extreme legalism. I didnt realize that at the time though. I liked it since it was more lively than my other church. It was also an opportunity to spend time with my extended family.
I can’t remember which one of these churches I went to first, and I dont remember learning a whole lot from either one of them, but I did learn all the Fundamentals of the faith. I always believed the Bible to be Gods word, but I just wasnt willing to take the effort to read it, and not knowing the Bible left me open to unbiblical teachings, like the legalistic teachings of my grandparents church.
I was led to believe I had to be perfect and sinless to be a good Christian. I knew I couldnt be sinless, and I was always worried about losing my salvation if I sinned. To make it worse, I was also starting to realize that I was different. I didnt understand what was happening, or why it was happening to me. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldnt go away.
By the age of eighteen, I gave up on God. I couldnt be the perfect Christian I wanted to be no matter how hard I tried. It wasnt helping that I knew deep down about who and what I am. I never chose to be like this, and I didnt want it. I denied it to myself, and I kept it bottled up inside, like a dirty little secret. I just wanted it to go away.
My First and Last Girlfriend.. When I was 18, I got my very first girlfriend. Her name was Gina, and we got pretty serious. We even lived together for awhile. I played the part, but deep down I knew this wasnt what I wanted. Inside I had these feelings and attractions that I couldnt do anything about. After awhile I told Gina about these feelings I had, and she wasnt too happy about it. I wasnt too happy either. I was very unsure about my future and where my life was heading.
Coming Out.. After I was with Gina about a year, I started meeting other gay people, and I got my first glimpse of the gay community. I was really fascinated with this new world I had discovered, and I knew I wanted to be a part of it. After Awhile, Gina started to see how I was changing, and she didnt take it too well. We had a pretty rough break up over it. I didnt mean to hurt Gina, but I couldnt live that lie anymore. I had to be me. Anyways I was ready to put this all behind me, and start a new chapter in my life.
Coming out to My Family.. At this time my family was finding out about me . Most of the immediate family was fine with it. The only ones it really bothered were My Dad and my older brother. They were both already so cruel to me in the first place. It got even worse after they found out about me. Later on My Grandpa found out, and he tried to say because I was gay that I was a child molestor. I held a grudge against him, and my brother too for a long time.
When I was twenty, my brother decided to beat on me again, not because I did anything wrong, but because I was gay. I couldnt take the abuse anymore, so I decided to dissapear. I didnt know where I was headed, but I somehow ended up in San Fransisco. When I was there I got involved in a united Pentecostal church, where I got ‘saved again’, and baptized shortly after. I told them I didnt have a decent place to stay, so I ended up living with the church in a bording house they had.
It was a horrifying experience. They tried to drive the ‘demon of homosexuality’ out of me, and they were very legalistic about things. I couldnt wear certain clothes, I couldnt color my hair, It was always something. They also forced me to speak in touges. Looking back on it Im pretty sure I was faking it just to fit in. It was really hard for me to live in that environment, so After afew months, I just got fed up with the whole thing, and one day I bought a bus ticket, and quietly packed my things, hopped on the bus, and came back up to Washington. Knowing what I know now, Im pretty sure that church was a cult.
My First Real Relationship.. When I got back home, I tried to put that horrible experience behind me and get on with my life. Over the next few years, I managed to get into afew relationships which ended up being a complete waste of time. When I was twenty three, I met someone by the name of Mike, We hit it off as friends, then after awhile we found ourselves being more than that. He was not only a great companion. He was my best friend, and I enjoyed our time together. I didnt feel sinful at all about the companionship between us. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone and sharing my life with them. I did however feel wrong and sinful when it came to the “physical” part. I knew it was wrong, but at the time I accepted it as part of a relationship.
After about a year together, we moved to a town in northern California where we met several people, including this straight guy named Rick. He was a nice guy, and not at all threatened by me and Mike. We got to be pretty good friends, and afew times I actually had the opportunity to witness to him about God, and he was interested in getting to know God. Since I hadnt actually read the Bible, I could just tell him what I knew. Whatever I told him, it worked. I later found a nice little Baptist church just around the corner. One Sunday, He decided to come to church with me, and that day he accepted Jesus as his savior. I was really happy for him, and I was really amazed that God could use me of all people to help bring someone to him. After living there for about three years, I started having problems with my health, and we decided to move back home to Washington.
My New Church Home.. After we got moved and got settled in, my health gradually started to get better. After afew months, I decided find a church to go to. I wanted a Baptist church, like the one I found in Redding. I checked out about a half dozen churches, and I didnt find anything I liked. One day I went to a nice little Baptist church, and I liked it. I liked the pastor too. I was very impressed with the services, so I started going there. I talked to the Pastor after a Bible study one day. I ended up telling him about my sexuality, and he took it very well. He told me what the Bible says about it, but he didnt judge me or treat me any different. Since then hes always been very nice to me, and treats me like he would treat any other person in the church, and That really means alot to me. Weve had some good talks over the years. Even though I didnt go to church very often back then, I always went to that church when I went, and I considered it my church home.
At this point I was really feeling convicted for my sexuality. I even talked to Mike about abstaining, and since he was also a Christian,(even though he didnt have the same convictions I did) he respected my beliefs. It never lasted too long though. I was emotionally too weak to resist at that time in my life.
After afew years, Mike and I decided to move down to southern California to a small town out in the middle of the desert. After afew years we were able to buy a house in Bakersfield. I was 31 at the time. At this point, I was still feeling more convicted than ever, and I kept trying to abstain. I allowed Mike to get it elsewhere, which he often did. This arrangment worked for me, but I think thats when we started to drift apart.
My Dad .. In the fall of 2000, I got a call from my mom saying my dad was in the hospital dying from a cancer in his brain that he never even knew he had. It all happened so fast! I quickly went back home to say my goodbye, but he wasn’t conscious when I got there. He died two days later. I never mourned or shed a tear when he died. I admit he was a good person after he quit drinking, and I try to remember him that way. I’m left with unresolved feelings. Feelings about my younger years, and about the way he treated me. I did forgive him though. I knew I needed to, for my own sake.
A Sad End.. In the spring of 2002, My relationship with Mike sadly came to an end. I was devastated at the time, but little did I know this was going to open up a new chapter in my life, but for the time being, all I could do was to cut my losses and go back home to Washington.
A New Beginning.. I was about thirty three at the time, and I was unsure about where my life was going. I knew I couldnt function as a single person. I need the companionship. I had to find someone to share my life with. After four months of looking, I answered this guys ad on the internet. His name was Bill, and after afew letters and phone calls, I really liked him, so I went to Seattle and met him in person. We went on a trip to the zoo together, and after talking awhile, and getting to know each other, he told me he was a Christian. I was shocked to find another gay Christian! I ofcourse told him I was a Christian too, and the fact that we had that in common brought us together, and from that point, we totally hit it off. About a week after that I moved in with him in Seattle, and weve been together since. I didnt mention my convictions to him at first. I didnt want to scare him away, so I just accepted it as part of the relationship.
The Bible: A new World for me.. I noticed Bill always found time to read the Bible everyday. It inspidered me to started reading the Bible. It opened me upto a new world. I was finally able to see for myself what Gods word says. For the first time, I was able to read for my self about my salvation, and about other things. Thats when I really started to grow as a Christian. I still felt very sinful about some things Now that I was learning the Bible and learning the truth, I had no excuse.
Our New Home.. After afew years together, We decided to move to my home town, so we could be close to my mom and help her with things. She was getting up there in years, and Since My dad had died afew years before, she was having a hard time trying to take care of things. Our plan was to stay with my mom till we got our own place nearby, but due to some health problems my mother was having, we decided to live in the house with her till she got better, and then we never left. Its a nice arrangement. We have our own little apartment all to ourselves in the basement. My Mom just loves Bill too! The whole family does. Even my older brother. I believe it was Gods will that we live here with her to take care of her and the house. Im really glad that God could use both me and Bill to serve another persons needs like this.
Giving up the Sin.. At this point I was ready to try abstaining again. I talked to Bill about it, and Although he doesnt feel as strongly about it as me, he agreed to do this with me. I even talked to my my pastor about it. I told him my situation. He agreed that it was just the sexual act thats a sin, not the companionship itsself. He was still concerned about how close Bill and I are emotionally, but if theres nothing “physical” going on, theres no sin in being together. He just prettymuch confirmed what I already thought.
From that point, we both gave up this sin and started living a celibate lifestyle. That was in 2004, and since then Ive really been able to grow my walk with God. I was afraid at first that the absence of intimacy would change the nature of My relationship with Bill. I figured from that point only time will tell.
Despite what some Christians like to think, I dont expect my sexuality to change. Thats was never my goal. I dont think people choose their sexuality. The extremely low success rate of Exodus (the ex-gay movement) is proof of that. If someone struggling with this wants to try to be heterosexual when they know thats not what they are, thats their foolishness. I think the only logical option for a someone struggles with this, and wants to live right by God, is to just abstain. Its that simple.
When I wrote this I had no idea what other Christians, or other gay people would think of my situation. Of Course I dont apply my beliefs on this matter to anyone other than myself. In otherwards I dont judge others. I think its upto the Holy Spirit to convict people of whatever theyre sins are.
Im thankful for all the support I have from my family, from Bill and his family, and from our friends. I feel blessed to have all this support. My goal is to put God first in my life, and be the best Christian, and the best person I can be. I give all my thanks and glory to God.
I hope this blog is useful for those who struggle with homosexuality, and especially Christians who choose to remain ignorant about it. Either way, I hope people will learn something from this, whether its about sexuality, about God, or even about themselves
Theres other parts to my Testimony:
The Misfit
My Church
This is My testimony of my faith, and the struggles Ive gone through in my life. I live here in central Washington in a very conservative, and very religious town. Ive always had strong Christian beliefs, even if I didnt always follow them. Nowadays Im very strong in my faith and I try live in obedience to God. There is one big thing Ive always struggled with: My sexuality. Not just struggling with who and what I am, but also with the way Im percieved by others. Just Let me start from the beginning and Ill tell the whole story:
My Childhood.. I was the fifth out of six. A quiet child, and I often preferred my own company but there were reasons for that, like an abusive father, and an even more abusive older brother. That house was always in termoil, a virtual hell on Earth, and school wasnt any better. The only thing I could do was to look to God to help me through those painful times.
My Walk with God.. When I was about ten I started going to church. It was a Baptist church just around the corner. I dont remember much about Sunday School there, but I remember learning all the Fundamentals. Ill always remember going to church camp when I was twelve where I accepted Jesus as my savior. That was a memorable day for me in my walk with God. I got Baptized soon after that.
Sometimes I went to church with my grandparents. I didnt care too much for my grandpa. My grandma on the other hand was a really good person, and a good Christian too. I always thought she was perfect and sinless, and I so badly wanted to be a good Christian like her. Their church was alot different than the Baptist church I went to. It was a radical sect of the Pentecostal church. I later realized that this church was a cult, mainly because of theyre extreme legalism. I didnt realize that at the time though. I liked it since it was more lively than my other church. It was also an opportunity to spend time with my extended family.
I can’t remember which one of these churches I went to first, and I dont remember learning a whole lot from either one of them, but I did learn all the Fundamentals of the faith. I always believed the Bible to be Gods word, but I just wasnt willing to take the effort to read it, and not knowing the Bible left me open to unbiblical teachings, like the legalistic teachings of my grandparents church.
I was led to believe I had to be perfect and sinless to be a good Christian. I knew I couldnt be sinless, and I was always worried about losing my salvation if I sinned. To make it worse, I was also starting to realize that I was different. I didnt understand what was happening, or why it was happening to me. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldnt go away.
By the age of eighteen, I gave up on God. I couldnt be the perfect Christian I wanted to be no matter how hard I tried. It wasnt helping that I knew deep down about who and what I am. I never chose to be like this, and I didnt want it. I denied it to myself, and I kept it bottled up inside, like a dirty little secret. I just wanted it to go away.
My First and Last Girlfriend.. When I was 18, I got my very first girlfriend. Her name was Gina, and we got pretty serious. We even lived together for awhile. I played the part, but deep down I knew this wasnt what I wanted. Inside I had these feelings and attractions that I couldnt do anything about. After awhile I told Gina about these feelings I had, and she wasnt too happy about it. I wasnt too happy either. I was very unsure about my future and where my life was heading.
Coming Out.. After I was with Gina about a year, I started meeting other gay people, and I got my first glimpse of the gay community. I was really fascinated with this new world I had discovered, and I knew I wanted to be a part of it. After Awhile, Gina started to see how I was changing, and she didnt take it too well. We had a pretty rough break up over it. I didnt mean to hurt Gina, but I couldnt live that lie anymore. I had to be me. Anyways I was ready to put this all behind me, and start a new chapter in my life.
Coming out to My Family.. At this time my family was finding out about me . Most of the immediate family was fine with it. The only ones it really bothered were My Dad and my older brother. They were both already so cruel to me in the first place. It got even worse after they found out about me. Later on My Grandpa found out, and he tried to say because I was gay that I was a child molestor. I held a grudge against him, and my brother too for a long time.
When I was twenty, my brother decided to beat on me again, not because I did anything wrong, but because I was gay. I couldnt take the abuse anymore, so I decided to dissapear. I didnt know where I was headed, but I somehow ended up in San Fransisco. When I was there I got involved in a united Pentecostal church, where I got ‘saved again’, and baptized shortly after. I told them I didnt have a decent place to stay, so I ended up living with the church in a bording house they had.
It was a horrifying experience. They tried to drive the ‘demon of homosexuality’ out of me, and they were very legalistic about things. I couldnt wear certain clothes, I couldnt color my hair, It was always something. They also forced me to speak in touges. Looking back on it Im pretty sure I was faking it just to fit in. It was really hard for me to live in that environment, so After afew months, I just got fed up with the whole thing, and one day I bought a bus ticket, and quietly packed my things, hopped on the bus, and came back up to Washington. Knowing what I know now, Im pretty sure that church was a cult.
My First Real Relationship.. When I got back home, I tried to put that horrible experience behind me and get on with my life. Over the next few years, I managed to get into afew relationships which ended up being a complete waste of time. When I was twenty three, I met someone by the name of Mike, We hit it off as friends, then after awhile we found ourselves being more than that. He was not only a great companion. He was my best friend, and I enjoyed our time together. I didnt feel sinful at all about the companionship between us. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone and sharing my life with them. I did however feel wrong and sinful when it came to the “physical” part. I knew it was wrong, but at the time I accepted it as part of a relationship.
After about a year together, we moved to a town in northern California where we met several people, including this straight guy named Rick. He was a nice guy, and not at all threatened by me and Mike. We got to be pretty good friends, and afew times I actually had the opportunity to witness to him about God, and he was interested in getting to know God. Since I hadnt actually read the Bible, I could just tell him what I knew. Whatever I told him, it worked. I later found a nice little Baptist church just around the corner. One Sunday, He decided to come to church with me, and that day he accepted Jesus as his savior. I was really happy for him, and I was really amazed that God could use me of all people to help bring someone to him. After living there for about three years, I started having problems with my health, and we decided to move back home to Washington.
My New Church Home.. After we got moved and got settled in, my health gradually started to get better. After afew months, I decided find a church to go to. I wanted a Baptist church, like the one I found in Redding. I checked out about a half dozen churches, and I didnt find anything I liked. One day I went to a nice little Baptist church, and I liked it. I liked the pastor too. I was very impressed with the services, so I started going there. I talked to the Pastor after a Bible study one day. I ended up telling him about my sexuality, and he took it very well. He told me what the Bible says about it, but he didnt judge me or treat me any different. Since then hes always been very nice to me, and treats me like he would treat any other person in the church, and That really means alot to me. Weve had some good talks over the years. Even though I didnt go to church very often back then, I always went to that church when I went, and I considered it my church home.
At this point I was really feeling convicted for my sexuality. I even talked to Mike about abstaining, and since he was also a Christian,(even though he didnt have the same convictions I did) he respected my beliefs. It never lasted too long though. I was emotionally too weak to resist at that time in my life.
After afew years, Mike and I decided to move down to southern California to a small town out in the middle of the desert. After afew years we were able to buy a house in Bakersfield. I was 31 at the time. At this point, I was still feeling more convicted than ever, and I kept trying to abstain. I allowed Mike to get it elsewhere, which he often did. This arrangment worked for me, but I think thats when we started to drift apart.
My Dad .. In the fall of 2000, I got a call from my mom saying my dad was in the hospital dying from a cancer in his brain that he never even knew he had. It all happened so fast! I quickly went back home to say my goodbye, but he wasn’t conscious when I got there. He died two days later. I never mourned or shed a tear when he died. I admit he was a good person after he quit drinking, and I try to remember him that way. I’m left with unresolved feelings. Feelings about my younger years, and about the way he treated me. I did forgive him though. I knew I needed to, for my own sake.
A Sad End.. In the spring of 2002, My relationship with Mike sadly came to an end. I was devastated at the time, but little did I know this was going to open up a new chapter in my life, but for the time being, all I could do was to cut my losses and go back home to Washington.
A New Beginning.. I was about thirty three at the time, and I was unsure about where my life was going. I knew I couldnt function as a single person. I need the companionship. I had to find someone to share my life with. After four months of looking, I answered this guys ad on the internet. His name was Bill, and after afew letters and phone calls, I really liked him, so I went to Seattle and met him in person. We went on a trip to the zoo together, and after talking awhile, and getting to know each other, he told me he was a Christian. I was shocked to find another gay Christian! I ofcourse told him I was a Christian too, and the fact that we had that in common brought us together, and from that point, we totally hit it off. About a week after that I moved in with him in Seattle, and weve been together since. I didnt mention my convictions to him at first. I didnt want to scare him away, so I just accepted it as part of the relationship.
The Bible: A new World for me.. I noticed Bill always found time to read the Bible everyday. It inspidered me to started reading the Bible. It opened me upto a new world. I was finally able to see for myself what Gods word says. For the first time, I was able to read for my self about my salvation, and about other things. Thats when I really started to grow as a Christian. I still felt very sinful about some things Now that I was learning the Bible and learning the truth, I had no excuse.
Our New Home.. After afew years together, We decided to move to my home town, so we could be close to my mom and help her with things. She was getting up there in years, and Since My dad had died afew years before, she was having a hard time trying to take care of things. Our plan was to stay with my mom till we got our own place nearby, but due to some health problems my mother was having, we decided to live in the house with her till she got better, and then we never left. Its a nice arrangement. We have our own little apartment all to ourselves in the basement. My Mom just loves Bill too! The whole family does. Even my older brother. I believe it was Gods will that we live here with her to take care of her and the house. Im really glad that God could use both me and Bill to serve another persons needs like this.
Giving up the Sin.. At this point I was ready to try abstaining again. I talked to Bill about it, and Although he doesnt feel as strongly about it as me, he agreed to do this with me. I even talked to my my pastor about it. I told him my situation. He agreed that it was just the sexual act thats a sin, not the companionship itsself. He was still concerned about how close Bill and I are emotionally, but if theres nothing “physical” going on, theres no sin in being together. He just prettymuch confirmed what I already thought.
From that point, we both gave up this sin and started living a celibate lifestyle. That was in 2004, and since then Ive really been able to grow my walk with God. I was afraid at first that the absence of intimacy would change the nature of My relationship with Bill. I figured from that point only time will tell.
Despite what some Christians like to think, I dont expect my sexuality to change. Thats was never my goal. I dont think people choose their sexuality. The extremely low success rate of Exodus (the ex-gay movement) is proof of that. If someone struggling with this wants to try to be heterosexual when they know thats not what they are, thats their foolishness. I think the only logical option for a someone struggles with this, and wants to live right by God, is to just abstain. Its that simple.
When I wrote this I had no idea what other Christians, or other gay people would think of my situation. Of Course I dont apply my beliefs on this matter to anyone other than myself. In otherwards I dont judge others. I think its upto the Holy Spirit to convict people of whatever theyre sins are.
Im thankful for all the support I have from my family, from Bill and his family, and from our friends. I feel blessed to have all this support. My goal is to put God first in my life, and be the best Christian, and the best person I can be. I give all my thanks and glory to God.
I hope this blog is useful for those who struggle with homosexuality, and especially Christians who choose to remain ignorant about it. Either way, I hope people will learn something from this, whether its about sexuality, about God, or even about themselves
Theres other parts to my Testimony:
The Misfit
My Church
