Fun first, then marriage. The reason for high divorce rates?

[1still_waters]

There seems to be a mentality, that marriage is the thing you do when you're done having fun in life. Once you've done what you want to do, then you can go ahead and get married.

I'm wondering if this attitude toward life in general is what is causing such high divorce rates.

The foundation of the belief is that life is about pleasing yourself. So you spend 5 to 10 years, maybe even longer, simply living to please yourself, and doing all the things you want to do. After sowing the seeds of personal satisfaction for five to ten years, people then jump in to THE THING that calls for the MOST self-denial in the world.

How can you live a life of self-denial after you have sown he seeds of self-interest for half a decade or longer?

We do reap what we sow. So if you've sown simple self interest for a decade, well it follows that you're going to have a crop of something ready for harvest when you enter marriage.

People now days say people can't marry young. WHY?

It worked great for our grand parents. They got married young. Learned life wasn't about pleasing self. Popped out some kids. Learned life was about taking care of those kids. Things seemed to work really WELL!

I fear this 'wait til you're older and done having fun' mentality is the root of the problem, instead of the solution to the problem that so many think it is.

 

[Nautilus]

Well about marrying young it was a lot less likely our grandparents would go to college so that already knocks the age back a little. Also nowadays people want to be secure career wise so there is another few years. Also I already know most of my hobbies probably wont be shared with whoever I marry so i guess i am selfish in enjoying them now...but there are plenty of just good common sense reason...school, jobs, stability not to get married younger. And I always dislike it when people say stuff like our grandparents were able to, that was a totally different time...totally different rules

 

[1still_waters]

Well about marrying young it was a lot less likely our grandparents would go to college so that already knocks the age back a little. Also nowadays people want to be secure career wise so there is another few years. Also I already know most of my hobbies probably wont be shared with whoever I marry so i guess i am selfish in enjoying them now...but there are plenty of just good common sense reason...school, jobs, stability not to get married younger. And I always dislike it when people say stuff like our grandparents were able to, that was a totally different time...totally different rules

Well an emerging belief is that college isn't for everyone, and that it may in fact be a HUGE scam. So the foundation of wait, get a job career is kinda blown outta the water.

As far was NOT appealing to our grand parents time. PFFFFFFT. It worked. Yeah times are different now. How is that difference thing workin for us?

Plus why do people think they need to have this big elaborate career in the first place? So they can support a family, or so they can support the decadent lifestyle?

 

[Nautilus]

Well an emerging belief is that college isn't for everyone, and that it may in fact be a HUGE scam. So the foundation of wait, get a job career is kinda blown outta the water.

As far was NOT appealing to our grand parents time. PFFFFFFT. It worked. Yeah times are different now. How is that difference thing workin for us?

Plus why do people think they need to have this big elaborate career in the first place? So they can support a family, or so they can support the decadent lifestyle?

Ive heard about the college and am interested to see how it plays out. One thing about our grandparents though is they were the cause for the babyboom generation. Our grandparents were the ones that just got back from ww2 and such, Im sure that had something to do with it. and yes there are wars now but those involved are far less in number. As far as providing for a family or a lifestyle I think that depends on what you want out of life. For some it might be family. For me its lifestyle, im not keen on the whole marriage idea,so i do have extra cash to spend on luxury items to enjoy. If i do ever decide to get married i guess my priorities may change.

 

[lil_christian]

Well an emerging belief is that college isn't for everyone, and that it may in fact be a HUGE scam. So the foundation of wait, get a job career is kinda blown outta the water.

As far was NOT appealing to our grand parents time. PFFFFFFT. It worked. Yeah times are different now. How is that difference thing workin for us? (it isn't! lol)

Plus why do people think they need to have this big elaborate career in the first place? So they can support a family, or so they can support the decadent lifestyle?

I say it isn't bad to marry young as long as you have the right mindset (and no it's not because I'm young ).

BUT I do know a couple that married right out of high-school. And I can't say it was a great idea considering their financial situation (they barely had any money at all. A couple of times they couldn't pay all of their bills). I do think you have to somewhat prepare financially or else you're gonna get into financial hot water.

Also, unfortunately, it's a lot harder to keep your head above the financial waters with the way food and gas prices are. =\

So, I guess my conclusion is, if the couple is marrying for the right reasons, they're mature enough, they have the right mindset, and can support themselves, they should marry.

(Oh and I put that little comment that's in red lol)

 

[niceguyJ]

I won't say that's the only reason, but I'm sure it's one. It certainly makes sense.

Thoughts that came to mind based on some comments here:

People, in general, are never satisfied. The more they have, the more they want.

I don't believe there is such a thing as "financial stability".
God doesn't change, everyone and everything else does. If He's not our rock we're in trouble.

 

[iraasuup]

I say it isn't bad to marry young as long as you have the right mindset (and no it's not because I'm young ).

BUT I do know a couple that married right out of high-school. And I can't say it was a great idea considering their financial situation (they barely had any money at all. A couple of times they couldn't pay all of their bills). I do think you have to somewhat prepare financially or else you're gonna get into financial hot water.

Also, unfortunately, it's a lot harder to keep your head above the financial waters with the way food and gas prices are. =\

So, I guess my conclusion is, if the couple is marrying for the right reasons, they're mature enough, they have the right mindset, and can support themselves, they should marry.

(Oh and I put that little comment that's in red lol)

The whole finanical security thing is hogwash. Financial hardship can happen to anyone, at any age at any time. I was married for 7 years, and trust me, just because we weren't both 18 didn't mean the financial battle was any easier.

We have no control over what may happen. One or both of you may lose your job, the car might break down and need repairs, one of you gets sick and suddenly needs expensive health care, the hot water system in your house blows up and you need to replace it. Add to that the ever increasing cost of livin expenses, and the whole thing is a constant battle. I didnt even mention the fact that you could possibly be reduced to one income when the first baby comes along.

So it doesnt matter how much money you have saved aside, stuff will always happen, and you need to be prepared for that. There were times when in my marriage we wondered how we were going to pay the bills, and it wasnt due to lack of financial planning, it was that they all came at once, due at the same time, while we had other things to deal with (like the car, or the hot water system, or a leaking bathroom), or a briuef period of unemployment etc.

So, while it is wise to make sure you are prepared (as best you can be at least) before marrying, that you are financially equipped to provide for a family, etc, also be aware that expenses you don't expect and cannot control will ALWAYS pop up, generally at the most inconvenient time, and you need to be able to deal with those too.

There will always be struggles of some kind, financial, emotional, family-related etc. Its a fact of life. So, the whole 'wait until you're older and more settled' thing, is somewhat of a farce, it's lulls people into this false sense of security, that if they wait until they're 30 to marry, the whole thing will be smooth-sailing. Sure, they might be a little more mature, and have a better idea of their life goals, but it wont make the everyday things like finances any easier. That's something you have to deal with at any age, and honestly it wont matter how much money you have, there will ALWAYS be those 'hard times'.

 

[iraasuup]

I also wanted to point out that, just because you're married, doesn't mean you can't still have fun... as long as you're both willing to.

I'm finding myself in the reverse of the situation now, I'm suddenly single, and have decided I'm going to do some stuff for ME. Do some of the things I've always wanted to do, but never could do while married (not because marriage tied me down/or stopped me from doing those things) but because he refused to do anything exciting. He didn't want to try new things, or take new opportunities. I had resorted myself to the fact that those things would pass me by in life. I was okay with that, because maintaining a happy marriage was more important in my eyes.. what a joke that was- and the joke was on me (but thats another story).

My point is, if you marry someone who has the same dreams, goals and visions as you, you can have an amazing time. The FUN of life willbe doubled because you will be sharing it with someone. ie: if your dream is to go live in Rwanda and work in an orphanage, how much more FUN would that be sharing it with your life partner rather than doing it on your own?
Life is what you make it. Dont look at marriage as some kind of restriction on life. Granted there are some pretty crummy marriage situations that are anything BUT what God intended marriage to be (believe me, I've experienced one), but when God is the centre of your marriage, you can most definitely have fun. It will be fulfilling and the best time of your life.

So, my point is, you CAN still have fun while married... as long as you're BOTH listening to God and following His wisdom.

 

[Ariel82]

lol if i wasn't married i wouldn't have had the courage to do half the things I;ve done or the resources... marriage means increased financial, emotional and spiritual stability... thats why so many people in the past married young: economics...not having to think of others, support your parents, or younger siblings... not thinking its your responsiblity to care for your grandparents, etc causes a break up in family and shows a major shift in values from others and interdependence to the fake illusion of over valued independence....

 

[Jullianna]

I think people wait to marry for many reasons.

Some want an education, which may or may not be necessary, but I certainly appreciate mine and it was EXTREMELY difficult to accomplish as a young wife and mother.

Some want to "see what/who else is out there". Some want to "sew their wild oats". We know this shouldn't be the christian mentality, but we've all known "christians" who felt this way whether they were willing to admit it or not.

Some people have things they would like to see or do that would be far more difficult as a married person. Some people aren't sure whether they are called to be married at all. Some people want the whole enchilada right off the bat: The house, the cars, all new furniture, state of the art media systems, not to mention the huge expensive wedding.

There are upsides and downsides to marrying young.

One of you may mature more quickly than the other. One may never mature at all. Some people mistake infatuation for love before they have an understanding of what love truly is. Some may have deep regrets later on or feel they were rushed into the marriage. Children can happen before some folks are mature enough to handle the responsibility.

BUT having married young, I will say that when you start a marriage with nothing but true love for one another and faith in God, it can be incredible. The blood, sweat and tears you share building a life together can create a bond like nothing else on earth.

 

[adekruif]

*pulls pins and needles out of heart*

I feel like you are describing me, having fun while single and then hoping to get married. I'm not sure if I'm "living for myself" but I am definitely enjoying what life has to offer right now. I'm not sure why getting married would stop me from having fun in life though....I would just have a mate to do it with.

As far as the not getting married young, kids don't grow up these days. Finding somebody with their head screwed on straight at 18 is hard enough, let alone finding someone mature enough to marry. Heck, i'm 22 and I have doubts about myself as far as things needed to make a relationship work....i.e. maturity.

IDK, i'll just enjoy what life has to offer right now. If GOD sends a lady my way, twice as much fun (I hope)....if not oh well.

 

[Oncefallen]

I think people wait to marry for many reasons.

Some want an education, which may or may not be necessary, but I certainly appreciate mine and it was EXTREMELY difficult to accomplish as a young wife and mother.

Some want to "see what/who else is out there". Some want to "sew their wild oats". We know this shouldn't be the christian mentality, but we've all known "christians" who felt this way whether they were willing to admit it or not.

Some people have things they would like to see or do that would be far more difficult as a married person. Some people aren't sure whether they are called to be married at all. Some people want the whole enchilada right off the bat: The house, the cars, all new furniture, state of the art media systems, not to mention the huge expensive wedding.

There are upsides and downsides to marrying young.

One of you may mature more quickly than the other. One may never mature at all. Some people mistake infatuation for love before they have an understanding of what love truly is. Some may have deep regrets later on or feel they were rushed into the marriage. Children can happen before some folks are mature enough to handle the responsibility.

BUT having married young, I will say that when you start a marriage with nothing but true love for one another and faith in God, it can be incredible. The blood, sweat and tears you share building a life together can create a bond like nothing else on earth.

It looks like Jullianna was creeping in my brain. I think the whole mentality that has crept in over the years is that you "have" to be able to afford right out of the gate those things that our parents spent a lifetime developing together has actually caused problems in many marriages when they can't.

Your statement about blood, sweat and tears brought to mind a line from Mclintock, "But the real reason, Becky, is because I love you, and I want you and some young man to have what I had, because all the gold in the United States Treasury and all the harp music in heaven can't equal what happens between a man and a woman with all that growin' together. I can't explain it any better than that."

I do agree that there are a lot of reasons that people wait to get married and not all of them are bad reasons such as completing college. As far as the issue of maturity, it seems to me that our culture is consistently pushing back the age for "maturity." In my grandfather's era (early 1900's) young men frequently dropped out of high school to get a job so they could help support their siblings or to help work the family farm. I guess that in those days people matured sooner because they HAD to whereas in the culture today people don't mature as young because they aren't expected to and because they don't see any personal benefit to it.

 

[Jullianna]

Our parents and grandparents married and entered the workforce early, but, personally, my parents and grandparents' divorce rate was horrible. Almost hobby level. I don't want that for my life and I think that's why I'm so very cautious. Maybe the same is trust of other people. They are children of divorce and don't want that for their own lives (or for their childrens' lives), so they become more cautious and don't want to rush into being another statistic.

 

[Oncefallen]

Divorce rates started creeping up in the 50's and 60's and then shot up in the early 70's with the introduction of "no fault" divorce first in California and then state after state picked it up making divorce considerably easier to obtain. Of course the generation that brought us no fault divorce also brought us the sexual revolution and the modern feminist movement. Hmmm, I think I'm seeing a trend here.

I agree that you would think that those whose lives have been touched by divorce would be more cautious, but interestingly enough that caution isn't working too well since the children of divorced parents are four times more likely to get divorced than those from an unbroken home. I think this comes down to the fact that we learn (to a degree) how to resolve marital conflict from the example of our parents, thus those from broken homes are more prone to see divorce as an acceptable "resolution" to conflict.

 

[Jullianna]

I completely agree about the law making divorce easier and the sexual revolution/feminism contributing to the breakdown of marriage/family.

In my own family, I've seen divorce have one of two effects upon kids:

1. The kids may seemingly have no respect for marriage because they perceive that their parents didn't and repeat the behavior. I have family members who have married 5-7 times (which I call "hobby level"; marriage should never be a hobby) and have children with several different people, most of whom they rarely see and I pray that this process does not repeat itself in generations to come because....

2. Some kids are deeply wounded by what happened to their family, feel out of place and want to do everything they can to make sure their kids don't ever feel that way. I would hope that if the kids are christians, they would lean more this way.

My parents were divorced when I was two and I never met my father. There is a huge hole in my life because of this. I had one of the most amazingly loving stepdads a girl could want, but....he wasn't really mine and, on some level, the knowledge of that was always there, and I was treated differently by other members of his family than his own children. They probably meant nothing by it, but such things can be very hurtful to very young children who don't understand.

I think this played a VERY large part in why I didn't have a desire to remarry after my husband passed. My son was only 12 years old at the time. I didn't want anyone other than his father attempting to assume that role and possibly doing it badly because of a wrong choice I might have made out of loneliness. I didn't want him to feel out of place in a blended family household. I wanted him to experience as few changes in his life as possible. I felt that he needed to come before anything I wanted during the time he was still growing up.

I see how picky he is about the girls he dates now. I know how serious he is about virtue. I know how devout he is to the Lord. I know how much marriage means to him. I pray none of these things ever change in his life or in the lives of any descendants he may have.

I say all of this to say that it is my hope for coming generations to be truly seeking God in a way that can bring healing to a world suffering from the mistakes of the past. We want so much to join the mission field, but often fail to realize the impact upon the masses we can have by living a godly life at home and bringing our children up in the ways of the Lord. If we want to be planetchangers, our own homes and extended families are great fields to plant.

Since the Bible speaks boldly about God being a father to the fatherless and knowing how precious marriage is to Him, I think we have God's heart in trying to heal families in this way.

 

[lil_christian]

The whole finanical security thing is hogwash. Financial hardship can happen to anyone, at any age at any time. I was married for 7 years, and trust me, just because we weren't both 18 didn't mean the financial battle was any easier.

We have no control over what may happen. One or both of you may lose your job, the car might break down and need repairs, one of you gets sick and suddenly needs expensive health care, the hot water system in your house blows up and you need to replace it. Add to that the ever increasing cost of livin expenses, and the whole thing is a constant battle. I didnt even mention the fact that you could possibly be reduced to one income when the first baby comes along.

So it doesnt matter how much money you have saved aside, stuff will always happen, and you need to be prepared for that. There were times when in my marriage we wondered how we were going to pay the bills, and it wasnt due to lack of financial planning, it was that they all came at once, due at the same time, while we had other things to deal with (like the car, or the hot water system, or a leaking bathroom), or a briuef period of unemployment etc.

So, while it is wise to make sure you are prepared (as best you can be at least) before marrying, that you are financially equipped to provide for a family, etc, also be aware that expenses you don't expect and cannot control will ALWAYS pop up, generally at the most inconvenient time, and you need to be able to deal with those too.

There will always be struggles of some kind, financial, emotional, family-related etc. Its a fact of life. So, the whole 'wait until you're older and more settled' thing, is somewhat of a farce, it's lulls people into this false sense of security, that if they wait until they're 30 to marry, the whole thing will be smooth-sailing. Sure, they might be a little more mature, and have a better idea of their life goals, but it wont make the everyday things like finances any easier. That's something you have to deal with at any age, and honestly it wont matter how much money you have, there will ALWAYS be those 'hard times'.

*thinks she might have been misunderstood >.<*

I definitely know that when it comes to financial situations, no one is really safe.

But, before you get married, at least make sure you can pay all the bills if you plan on NOT living with either your in-laws or your parents