Ghosts of marriage past

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
S

Sillychick723

Guest
#1
#1
My boyfriend and I read an article earlier today entitled "Ghosts of marriage past". The title was very fitting in my current situation. I'm a year post divorce but over 2 years since the separation. I'm currently dating a wonderful man but there have been difficulties because of everything I went through. I thank God he's a patient man. I realize that things from my previous marriage rears it's Ugly (pun intended Ugly :p ) head at the most inopportune times. I'll post a link to the article below but here's the short of it: sometimes emotions come up out of seemingly nowhere and I end up having a negative reaction or negative feelings come up that have NOTHING to do with my bf. It's like I get triggered.

Has anyone else dealt with this after a divorce? How do you cope? Any advice would be much appreciated.

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/COUPLESday/conversations/messages/887
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#2
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#2
This is why I am going to apply 1 Corinthians 7:11 to my life. Probably a good reason why Paul wrote it.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
/you must spread reputation around
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#4
#4
It's natural, or so it seems, to drag along emotional baggage from one relationship to another. When a person becomes invested in another and things go south, it's a natural defense mechanism to be hyper-aware of things a person perceives to be an issue, even if they aren't. We want so badly to not go through the same hurts, and while we tell ourselves that we've conquered those issues and we're "better", we aren't. Not really. Eventually perhaps, with the right person in our lives that can soothe our worried mind and scarred heart, we can learn to not be constantly looking for problems so we can bolt at the first sign of potential hurt.

Take all this with a huge mountain of salt. This is just how I rationalized my own actions of punishing woman B for woman A's actions...over and over throughout my life. I never learned how to apply these things, which is why I gave up trying and just took my place on the bench. Still, I think the premise of the advice is sound.
 
S

Sillychick723

Guest
#5
#5
Yahweh_is_gracious said:
It's natural, or so it seems, to drag along emotional baggage from one relationship to another. When a person becomes invested in another and things go south, it's a natural defense mechanism to be hyper-aware of things a person perceives to be an issue, even if they aren't. We want so badly to not go through the same hurts, and while we tell ourselves that we've conquered those issues and we're "better", we aren't. Not really. Eventually perhaps, with the right person in our lives that can soothe our worried mind and scarred heart, we can learn to not be constantly looking for problems so we can bolt at the first sign of potential hurt.

Take all this with a huge mountain of salt. This is just how I rationalized my own actions of punishing woman B for woman A's actions...over and over throughout my life. I never learned how to apply these things, which is why I gave up trying and just took my place on the bench. Still, I think the premise of the advice is sound.
Click to expand...
Thank you Jon. I don't think I need to take this advice with a "mountain of salt". I think it's very sound advice actually. I appreciate your honesty. I don't want to carry this baggage for the rest of my life. I think it's time I start unpacking it. Actually, I have been but it's been slow going. The fact that you responded to this thread says something about your awareness of what went wrong in your previous marriages. I hope you can somehow figure out how to begin unpacking your baggage as well. You deserve a shot at some happiness in life.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#6
Jun 30, 2015
24,721
13,394
113
#6
There is a difference between remembering junk from your past (be it from within a marriage or not) and being triggered by situations that remind you of your ex. As you remember bad things, bring them to the Lord and forgive your ex for their behaviour. Ask the Lord to heal the still-hurting places inside you. Keep doing that until you sense that God is done... it might take a few years to deal with it all. :)
 
S

Sillychick723

Guest
#7
#7
Dino246 said:
There is a difference between remembering junk from your past (be it from within a marriage or not) and being triggered by situations that remind you of your ex. As you remember bad things, bring them to the Lord and forgive your ex for their behaviour. Ask the Lord to heal the still-hurting places inside you. Keep doing that until you sense that God is done... it might take a few years to deal with it all. :)
Click to expand...
Thank you Dino.

I'm working on it. :)
 
ChandlerFan

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
#8
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#8
I am not at all speaking from experience here, so this has the potential to either be helpful or sound really dumb lol. With that said, I do have experience with painful breakups and have learned that I need to process through that so that I don't bring insecurities from my past relationship into a new one. And basically, that is my main thought on what you asked. It can be painful for sure, but I think it does a lot of good to be able to process through what exactly happened and how it made you feel, and how you might be carrying some things along with you still. Those feelings are there for a reason, and I actually don't think they are a bad thing. If you touch a hot stove and burn yourself, you're probably going to watch the stove more carefully next time. In the same way, when you are hurt by someone, you are going to be concerned about getting hurt again.

I think being able to process through those emotions can help you decide whether or not they are unhealthy and something you need to let go of or if maybe they are a healthy safeguard that you maybe need to hold onto for the health of your next relationship/marriage, or so that you might be able to feel safe with that next person.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.