Good (and mostly good) jokes thread

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ServantStrike

Guest
#1
#1
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
 
T_Laurich

T_Laurich

Senior Member
#2
Mar 24, 2013
3,356
122
63
29
#2
A priest is walking by the shore of a river and see's a man laying down right off the shore with a bottle in his hand. So the priest feels compelled to go up and share the news of Christ because it looks like this man sure does need it.

So the priest and the man talk for a few good hours, and finally the priest asked the man if he would like to be baptized and be able to find Jesus... The man was mutual in agreement. So they walk out into the water...

The priest says a short prayer and dunks the man, when the man emerges the priest asks. "Did you see Jesus?" and the man reply's with a simple "no".

So the priest gets a little concerned and prays a little bit longer, and a little bit harder. Then he dunks the man under water and asks. "Did you see Jesus?" again the man reply's with a simple "no".

Now the priest had never seen someone get baptized twice and not see Jesus... So the priest prayed for the longest time, tears running down his face in frustration... He then slams the man under water and holds him there for a good while... When the man emerges he is coughing and sputtering... And the priest asks, "did you see Jesus?"

Finally when the man catches his breath he asks "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



My grandmother told me this joke when I was around 8 years old. Every time she comes down I hear the joke at least 12 times in the week I see her... It might sound corny but every time it is just as funny...
 
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ServantStrike

Guest
#3
#3
T_Laurich said:
A priest is walking by the shore of a river and see's a man laying down right off the shore with a bottle in his hand. So the priest feels compelled to go up and share the news of Christ because it looks like this man sure does need it.

So the priest and the man talk for a few good hours, and finally the priest asked the man if he would like to be baptized and be able to find Jesus... The man was mutual in agreement. So they walk out into the water...

The priest says a short prayer and dunks the man, when the man emerges the priest asks. "Did you see Jesus?" and the man reply's with a simple "no".

So the priest gets a little concerned and prays a little bit longer, and a little bit harder. Then he dunks the man under water and asks. "Did you see Jesus?" again the man reply's with a simple "no".

Now the priest had never seen someone get baptized twice and not see Jesus... So the priest prayed for the longest time, tears running down his face in frustration... He then slams the man under water and holds him there for a good while... When the man emerges he is coughing and sputtering... And the priest asks, "did you see Jesus?"

Finally when the man catches his breath he asks "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



My grandmother told me this joke when I was around 8 years old. Every time she comes down I hear the joke at least 12 times in the week I see her... It might sound corny but every time it is just as funny...
Click to expand...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Oh that's awesome.
 
C

choosingmylife

Guest
#4
#4
I found this on a website:
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you didn't answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
​
 
T_Laurich

T_Laurich

Senior Member
#5
Mar 24, 2013
3,356
122
63
29
#5
choosingmylife said:
I found this on a website:
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you didn't answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
​
Click to expand...
LOLOLOL that was an amazing joke :D
 
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choosingmylife

Guest
#6
#6
T_Laurich, I like the quote you added to your thread forum.
 
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