Having trouble abstaining from fornication

[DanM34]

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now and we are deeply in love. Before I became a Christian we had sex a few times and when I was converted I found how wrong it is. But, still we continue having strong sexual desires with each other and do things we know to be wrong. We don't have sex anymore but still do other things that are sexual. My guilt is so overwhelming that it's hard to function. I need the Lords help in overcoming this dreadful sin until I am married. This is a very difficult thing for me. And I know it is better to go out and do activities instead of lying around to prevent it from happening but we sometimes run out of things to do so we just sit around and that happens. Please any feedback will be appreciated, I need much help on this matter and what I can do to prevent this even more.

 

[djness]

Is your girlfriend a christian? That is going to be a really deal breaker if she isn't.
Don't spend 'alone time' together. Things happen during that time.

I know someone who made it through four years of going to the same college as the person they were dating and then got married never had sex the whole time. They also never were alone the entire time. Always out with people or in some public place.

If you find yourself sitting at her house without the parents home or whatever, chances are you aren't going to have the restraint.

also again..is she a christian to? If she is then maybe she has the same values, but if she isn't then one of you isn't going to be strong enough to abstain.

 

[DanM34]

No she is not a believer in Christ at the moment but she is very supportive and wants to stop just as much as I do which is good, it's just hard for both of us and I think that is a good idea, is never to really be alone fully anymore. The thing is also, we sometimes run out of things to do, gas is expensive and going to places like going out to eat or doing fun activities can be a drain in finances so we try not to go out to places all the time so we just end up laying around watching a movie or tv and it happens.

 

[Ugly]

If she isn't a Christian there is a major problem if you're still dating. Doesn't matter how supportive she is of your beliefs, she still is not a believer. What if you marry and have kids? How are you going to tell your children to follow the faith you have, when you chose to marry someone who doesn't? Oh, and have fun telling your children mommy's going to hell since she's not a Christian either.
Far as the sex goes, stop being alone. That is the only answer. If you keep repeating the pattern of spending time alone together, you're going to keep screwing up. You know this is true. You need to decide whats more important, your girlfriend, or God. If you think that you can't change the situation in order to honor God now, don't think that getting married one day is going to magically make it happen. Just because you get married and are 'allowed' to have sex, doesn't change your heart. And if you put spending time alone with your non-Christian girlfriend where you know you will sin, as a higher priority then honoring God's call to abstain from sexual sins, that attitude will still be in your heart after marriage.

 

[SpaceCowboy]

Repent to the Lord and flee sexual immorality. If your not strong enough in the faith to lead your girlfriend into paths of righteousness then break up with her, so that you won't dishonor her or yourself anymore.

 

[DanM34]

Thank you Cowboy for your answer and thank you Ugly as well. I'm still a young Christian who is learning a lot and this is the sin i struggle with the most, and I need to walk in righteousness in all I do. But, on your first part Ugly I think that you are wrong with dating my girlfriend. I was converted while dating her and that does not mean I have to break up with her just because she is a non-believer right now. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us to stay in the relationship we are in if we are in one because we must remember that my girlfriend/wife could be converted because of me.

 

[Smudge]

The thing about sex is that God created it to be something shared between one man and one woman who are married. Anything else can lead to a lot of pain. When you have sex with someone you aren't supposed to stop because you aren't supposed to be in a situation where you shouldn't have started. We're just not built to stop once we've started. So it is a difficult thing to just give up cold turkey.

It also sounds like you two might be living together. If you are- that's going to make things complicated abstinence-wise.

Boundaries are your key. Make sure that both of you are 100% sure you want to stop. I had a friend who had "decided" not to have sex in her relationship but the whole time they were dancing around it because one would go a little farther and the other would think that they were going all the way. Then the one would feel disappointed and confused. Boundaries can be as simple as, "You may only kiss my face" or "You can't stay after ten" Figure out how far is too far as soon as possible and never go that far again. Hold each other accountable, if you don't respect your boundaries your efforts are probably going to fall to pieces.


If you want you could try making a list with your girlfriend to figure out just exactly what is off limits.

Also would suggest joining any bible studies covering relationships and your Pastor is your friend. If you don't have one- visit the nearest church and talk to one.

 

[DanM34]

Thank you Smudge that was very very helpful, and the thing is we aren't living together but we do see each other almost everyday especially since it is the summer. But again the boundaries thing is a thing I'm gonna do, thank you again so much Smudge!

 

[Ugly]

1 Corinthians 7 verse you're referencing is about marriage and divorce. Not dating. Basically it states that divorce is not justified by simply having a non-believing spouse.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

A marriage relationship is not a dating relationship. Right now, what you're doing is labeled 'missionary dating' and has no biblical support for the concept.

 

[leaningonChrist]

Abstaining can be very difficult. I know this personally. Once you do have sex you gain an emotionally attachment to this person as well as physical. My advice to you is to pray and ask God to take those desires away from you until your married. Ask him to touch your girlfriends heart that she may not tempt you.

 

[DanM34]

So, Ugly, if divorce is not justified if the spouse is an unbeliever, why should simply breaking up be justified for that matter? Divorce is more severe.

 

[Ugly]

Because, as stated, dating is not the same as marriage. In marriage you form a covenant between you, your spouse and God. Mark 10:7 says a man unites/joins with/cleaves to his wife. Unites. There is absolutely no biblical backing for the idea that a dating relationship is the same as marriage or that the two should be treated equally.

7‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8and the two will become one flesh.’c So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

This is purely marriage. There is no indicator of non-marriage relationship being addressed here. And yes, divorce IS more severe. Thats kind of the point.

 

[Elisa]

Limit your contact with her. I broke up with my non Christian boyfriend when I became a Christian and I'm not sorry I did that. " Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." 2 Cor. 7:1

 

[jimmydiggs]

So, Ugly, if divorce is not justified if the spouse is an unbeliever, why should simply breaking up be justified for that matter? Divorce is more severe.

You're not married to her.

Quit trying to justify your sin.

Get away from her, she's a temptress.

Proverbs 2:16-19

6 So you will be delivered from the forbidden[a] woman,
from the adulteress[b] with her smooth words,
17 who forsakes the companion of her youth
and forgets the covenant of her God;
18 for her house sinks down to death,
and her paths to the departed;[c]
19 none who go to her come back,
nor do they regain the paths of life.

 

[strawberryfizz]

Thank you Cowboy for your answer and thank you Ugly as well. I'm still a young Christian who is learning a lot and this is the sin i struggle with the most, and I need to walk in righteousness in all I do. But, on your first part Ugly I think that you are wrong with dating my girlfriend. I was converted while dating her and that does not mean I have to break up with her just because she is a non-believer right now. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us to stay in the relationship we are in if we are in one because we must remember that my girlfriend/wife could be converted because of me.

I think the verse that best applies is 2 Corinthians 6:14. A believer cannot be equally yoked with a non believer because in more ways than one, there will be conflict. In your case, I understand you have a burden to win her to the Lord. I remember an illustration what a pastor shared once. You're like on top of the table and she's down below. You want to pull her up to where you are. But the fact is, it is way easier to pull you down, isn't it? That's the inevitability of compromise when you are in such a relationship. After all, human as we are, no matter how good our motives, we do not have the power to convict a sinner's heart and we cannot resist temptation when we do not turn our backs to flee (apparently Paul used that word in 1 Corinthians 6:18 because he knows how compelling it is) from it. It is like staying too close to the fire and expect to not get burned. No wonder that's what Joseph did when Potiphar's wife tempted him - he resisted and ran away, his clothes got torn. Only God can empower us against sin. But we have to decide to surrender our will to His. The fact that you don't feel comfortable doing it anymore means that God is convicting you, telling you to stop, repent, and live a life that pleases Him. Take heed of His voice in your heart for it is what's best according to His plan and purpose for your life. Yield, dear brother, lest one day He speaks no more...

God bless you.

 

[searchingforsafeplaces]

If it's any consolation in God's eyes you are already married. In ancient times the couple was only called wife and husband after they consummate the marriage, Jewish weddings involved a break in celebration while a couple ran to a nearby house to consummate. Marriage is entirely spiritual significance, while the sex act is physical.

 

[jimmydiggs]

If it's any consolation in God's eyes you are already married. In ancient times the couple was only called wife and husband after they consummate the marriage, Jewish weddings involved a break in celebration while a couple ran to a nearby house to consummate. Marriage is entirely spiritual significance, while the sex act is physical.

Romans 13.

 

[searchingforsafeplaces]

Romans 13 is referring to spiritual authorities. Check the greek translation, it's a very retentive language and all immediate meaning is not always conveyed. Government is spiritually distinguished now, as to before where the spiritual leader was also part of a monarchy of sorts.

 

[jimmydiggs]

Romans 13 is referring to spiritual authorities. Check the greek translation, it's a very retentive language and all immediate meaning is not always conveyed. Government is spiritually distinguished now, as to before where the spiritual leader was also part of a monarchy of sorts.

Sounds like Lew Rockwell got a hold of a bible, and put his twist on it.

 

[simplyme_bekah]

you know I have thought about it. If I was single I would pray every single day that God took those desires away from me until He sent me my next mate. Because temptations of the flesh are like a flash flood. Very consuming. So my suggestion is to pray pray pray like no other and give glory to our God when he takes these desires away from you. Remember if you give this battle to God he will fight it for you. I believe with lots of prayers and holding onto his hand for dear life you can overcome this. Its a choice.