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He won't have that $5,000 for long. The state will take taxes out of it, so the most he'll have left is about $2000.. Retain your own lawyer immediately. Funny how all of a sudden he wins the lottery, right at the same time you're divorcing him. Anybody else here find that kinda strange?? Is he just saying he won, or is it a FACT? He could be calling your bluff.
okay well, lawyers are expensive..like I said, the state and the lottery commission will take taxes out of that 5 grand before they give him the rest of it. He doesn't have much of a leg to stand on here. He won't get full custody, because the courts usually favor the mother in divorces like this. I believe he is grandstanding, trying to get you to back down by intimidating you. Don't be manipulated by him and don't fall for his petty games.
Your post and your username match on this occasion.
I don't defend people being abusive. That's a slander, btw, and not what I have been saying at all.
I can appreciate people who have compassion as a high value. We all need to be compassionate. But I don't believe ease and comfort should be my own top priorities or priorities for other believers. When I pray for believers who are persecuted by ISIS for example, I pray that they not deny their faith even if their life is threatened, before I pray for deliverance from their oppressors.
Parts of the New Testament are encouragement on how to bear up under suffering and difficult situations. Peter even talks about those who are suffering 'according to the will of God.' For that reason, it irks me a bit when I read whenever someone says that it isn't God's will for someone to suffer abuse, because that doesn't agree with what Peter wrote in I Peter 2 adn 4, and it's not consistent with what the Lord allowed His own Son to suffer. I don't want to see people suffer. When I read about a marriage where there is suffering, I want to see healing and restoration. That's what I pray for rather than termination of the marriage. I see holiness as a higher priority than alleviation of difficulty, suffering, etc. in scripture, and so I try to be consistent with that. I also notice that when I've been on men's forums and divorce comes up in situations where the wife is abusive, my posts are a lot more reconciliation-focused than certain other posters who push for divorce as well.
I'm also very much against name-calling in marriage or in any relationship. Husbands and wives should not speak to one another harshly or treat one another harshly. But if your spouse does so, does that mean the marriage should be over? No, that doesn't terminate the marriage. There is no reason to think that marriage is based on whatever words we choose to say at the altar of a church either. God established marriage long before people invented the vows to say.
You say I say my attitude is that wives should stick around, get beaten, and hospitalized and maybe killed. You don't seem to care much about whether you paint people wrongly or slander them do you? I can understand women leaving to flee for their lives. The Bible says 'choose life.' What I don't agree with is if someone is verbally abusive, that he (or she) is a murderer just waiting to kill his (or her) spouse. That's an unrealistic way of viewing the world. proberbs35 posted a number of stories about men who killed their wives. She didn't post the hundreds of thousands or millions of other stories of husbands who cussed their wives out and did stuff like throw water on them, etc. who did not kill their wives. Those stories don't make the news. Some of the DV centers are run by people who see all men as potential abusers, who think that if a man is 'abusive' in one area, he's a potential murderer ready to murder her.
When most of us hear 'abuse' in a marriage situation, we think of a woman with bruises and a black eye, broken bones, etc. We think the same thing when we hear abused children. But people use this to include cussing at a spouse. Some of the feminists include men who quote scripture to their wives, use logic, and control the purse strings for the households who aren't egalitarian (or into female domination) enough for their liking as 'abusers' as well. Those sorts of things go into the domestic violence models.
If a couple breaks up over verbal abuse (which is damaging to another person's psyche and very harmful to a marriage), I don't believe in divorce over it. Separation with a door open to reconcile makes a lot more sense Biblically. Why would Christians go to court before unbelievers to settle issues with who cares for the children? That's not in line with the word either.
I don't defend people being abusive. That's a slander, btw, and not what I have been saying at all.
I can appreciate people who have compassion as a high value. We all need to be compassionate. But I don't believe ease and comfort should be my own top priorities or priorities for other believers. When I pray for believers who are persecuted by ISIS for example, I pray that they not deny their faith even if their life is threatened, before I pray for deliverance from their oppressors.
Parts of the New Testament are encouragement on how to bear up under suffering and difficult situations. Peter even talks about those who are suffering 'according to the will of God.' For that reason, it irks me a bit when I read whenever someone says that it isn't God's will for someone to suffer abuse, because that doesn't agree with what Peter wrote in I Peter 2 adn 4, and it's not consistent with what the Lord allowed His own Son to suffer. I don't want to see people suffer. When I read about a marriage where there is suffering, I want to see healing and restoration. That's what I pray for rather than termination of the marriage. I see holiness as a higher priority than alleviation of difficulty, suffering, etc. in scripture, and so I try to be consistent with that. I also notice that when I've been on men's forums and divorce comes up in situations where the wife is abusive, my posts are a lot more reconciliation-focused than certain other posters who push for divorce as well.
I'm also very much against name-calling in marriage or in any relationship. Husbands and wives should not speak to one another harshly or treat one another harshly. But if your spouse does so, does that mean the marriage should be over? No, that doesn't terminate the marriage. There is no reason to think that marriage is based on whatever words we choose to say at the altar of a church either. God established marriage long before people invented the vows to say.
You say I say my attitude is that wives should stick around, get beaten, and hospitalized and maybe killed. You don't seem to care much about whether you paint people wrongly or slander them do you? I can understand women leaving to flee for their lives. The Bible says 'choose life.' What I don't agree with is if someone is verbally abusive, that he (or she) is a murderer just waiting to kill his (or her) spouse. That's an unrealistic way of viewing the world. proberbs35 posted a number of stories about men who killed their wives. She didn't post the hundreds of thousands or millions of other stories of husbands who cussed their wives out and did stuff like throw water on them, etc. who did not kill their wives. Those stories don't make the news. Some of the DV centers are run by people who see all men as potential abusers, who think that if a man is 'abusive' in one area, he's a potential murderer ready to murder her.
When most of us hear 'abuse' in a marriage situation, we think of a woman with bruises and a black eye, broken bones, etc. We think the same thing when we hear abused children. But people use this to include cussing at a spouse. Some of the feminists include men who quote scripture to their wives, use logic, and control the purse strings for the households who aren't egalitarian (or into female domination) enough for their liking as 'abusers' as well. Those sorts of things go into the domestic violence models.
If a couple breaks up over verbal abuse (which is damaging to another person's psyche and very harmful to a marriage), I don't believe in divorce over it. Separation with a door open to reconcile makes a lot more sense Biblically. Why would Christians go to court before unbelievers to settle issues with who cares for the children? That's not in line with the word either.
proverbs35,
About Proverbs, I believe specific scriptures should be used to interpret general ones. Solomon doesn't say to drive out a quarrelsome women. But one verses says it is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome woman. Another says it is better to live on a rooftop. But he doesn't apply the verse about driving out the mocker as an argument to kick the wife out of the house, even though, Moses for the hardness of their hearts allowed divorce.
I would like yours and Angela's and other poster's response to this situation.
Suppose you were a social worker, a judge, or just an adult friend. A 16-year-old boy often quarreled with his parents. He tried to run away on a few occasions. On one occasion, his dad put dog poop on him, threw water on him, and hit him in the face with a towel to keep him from running away. His parents get angry at him and cuss him from time to time.
Based on that information alone, as a case worker, would you advise immediately removing the boy from the home? As a judge, with that information alone, would you remove the child from the home? As an adult confidant giving advice, would you advise the child to run away from home immediately and go to a safehouse for runaway kids who are being abused? Under any of these scenarios would you take the child out of the home or recommend the child run away without doing further research? Without asking the parents to get their side of the story?
Would you show the 16-year-old stories of abusive parents who had murdered their children and advise the boy that he could be next if he doesn't leave home? I wouldn't.
I would also tell a young person in this situation what the Bible says about children's relationships to parents, "Honor your father and your mother." The thing is, no one is probably angry at me for pointing that out. The reason is most people don't secretly hate that verse like many hate the verses about wives submitting to their husbands. If I tell a wife with an angry husband that the Bible says for wives to submit to their husbands, people lash out at me as if I am actually supporting abuse. I doubt I'd get that same visceral response I've gotten from posters for saying "Honor your father and your mother", but I could be wrong. Deep down in side, I think moms grow to like that verse. After we grow up and have kids and if we had good parents, we realize what they put up to raise us, that one makes sense.
As far as church discipline goes, I don't know if she's tried that, but she hasn't mentioned it that I've noticed in the thread. But why aren't people recommending actually obeying Jesus instead of jumping right to the topic of divorce.
I wonder if you actually read my post that mentioned it carefully. The scenario I presented was one where the wife and children left the husband as part of the church refusing to keep company with him until he repented. That does have teeth, and it can also create a way for the husband to find his way back into fellowship with church and his physical family.
Jesus said to confront the one who sinned against you face to face. If he won't listen, bring one or two others. They serve as witnesses. If he won't hear them, take it before the church. If he won't hear them, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican. This man has been involved in teaching in church. If I were in a situation where I were confronted over some sin, and the church and the church said they were going to deliver me over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, I'd certainly consider repenting over some sin.
If it's someone whose only gone to church on Christmas ever year, church discipline may not mean as much to that person.
Another problem is with the wife just leaving her husband and divorcing him to 'send him a message' with no clear path back to reconciliation. Even if the church ignores Jesus teaching on church discipline like many do (or totally re-write it, having all the discipline go through the pastor behind closed doors instead of having a confrontation with the assembly/church), at least the pastor may be able to work with her to work out some kind of path to reconciliation.
There are lots of things that can be done in a situation like that:
Separation instead of divorce.
Some agreed upon arrangement for the kids when they are separated.
Some kind of counseling for anger management or communication.
Prayer with other men.
Having a mature man as a mentor on being a husband or a mentoring couple help out.
Meeting with the spouse to pray regularly.
Entering a formal Christian counseling program (e.g. World Challenge for anger management).
Filing for divorce is not an effective 'wake up call' IMO, certainly not like this. If someone files for divorce as a 'wake up call' and then everyone else says, "he's being nice to trick you into coming back to him. See, it's a part of this cycle of abuse on this website" then that is going to seriously hinder reconciliation. If the man repents, and the family isn't restored, that a sad thing as well.
Someone else said being submissive got her dog poop wiped on her and a towel in her face. I could be wrong. It could be she was standing there sweetly talking to him in a very submissive manner. But if I had to guess, I'd guess those things happened during a heated argument, maybe one where they were both saying things that hurt the other, rather than because of submission. If he's telling her to stay and she's leaving, then that's not a case of submission leading to dog poop being wiped on her. Failingheart said she could be more submissive. Most wives could probably say that, just as husbands could say to be more loving.
About Proverbs, I believe specific scriptures should be used to interpret general ones. Solomon doesn't say to drive out a quarrelsome women. But one verses says it is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome woman. Another says it is better to live on a rooftop. But he doesn't apply the verse about driving out the mocker as an argument to kick the wife out of the house, even though, Moses for the hardness of their hearts allowed divorce.
I would like yours and Angela's and other poster's response to this situation.
Suppose you were a social worker, a judge, or just an adult friend. A 16-year-old boy often quarreled with his parents. He tried to run away on a few occasions. On one occasion, his dad put dog poop on him, threw water on him, and hit him in the face with a towel to keep him from running away. His parents get angry at him and cuss him from time to time.
Based on that information alone, as a case worker, would you advise immediately removing the boy from the home? As a judge, with that information alone, would you remove the child from the home? As an adult confidant giving advice, would you advise the child to run away from home immediately and go to a safehouse for runaway kids who are being abused? Under any of these scenarios would you take the child out of the home or recommend the child run away without doing further research? Without asking the parents to get their side of the story?
Would you show the 16-year-old stories of abusive parents who had murdered their children and advise the boy that he could be next if he doesn't leave home? I wouldn't.
I would also tell a young person in this situation what the Bible says about children's relationships to parents, "Honor your father and your mother." The thing is, no one is probably angry at me for pointing that out. The reason is most people don't secretly hate that verse like many hate the verses about wives submitting to their husbands. If I tell a wife with an angry husband that the Bible says for wives to submit to their husbands, people lash out at me as if I am actually supporting abuse. I doubt I'd get that same visceral response I've gotten from posters for saying "Honor your father and your mother", but I could be wrong. Deep down in side, I think moms grow to like that verse. After we grow up and have kids and if we had good parents, we realize what they put up to raise us, that one makes sense.
As far as church discipline goes, I don't know if she's tried that, but she hasn't mentioned it that I've noticed in the thread. But why aren't people recommending actually obeying Jesus instead of jumping right to the topic of divorce.
I wonder if you actually read my post that mentioned it carefully. The scenario I presented was one where the wife and children left the husband as part of the church refusing to keep company with him until he repented. That does have teeth, and it can also create a way for the husband to find his way back into fellowship with church and his physical family.
Jesus said to confront the one who sinned against you face to face. If he won't listen, bring one or two others. They serve as witnesses. If he won't hear them, take it before the church. If he won't hear them, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican. This man has been involved in teaching in church. If I were in a situation where I were confronted over some sin, and the church and the church said they were going to deliver me over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, I'd certainly consider repenting over some sin.
If it's someone whose only gone to church on Christmas ever year, church discipline may not mean as much to that person.
Another problem is with the wife just leaving her husband and divorcing him to 'send him a message' with no clear path back to reconciliation. Even if the church ignores Jesus teaching on church discipline like many do (or totally re-write it, having all the discipline go through the pastor behind closed doors instead of having a confrontation with the assembly/church), at least the pastor may be able to work with her to work out some kind of path to reconciliation.
There are lots of things that can be done in a situation like that:
Separation instead of divorce.
Some agreed upon arrangement for the kids when they are separated.
Some kind of counseling for anger management or communication.
Prayer with other men.
Having a mature man as a mentor on being a husband or a mentoring couple help out.
Meeting with the spouse to pray regularly.
Entering a formal Christian counseling program (e.g. World Challenge for anger management).
Filing for divorce is not an effective 'wake up call' IMO, certainly not like this. If someone files for divorce as a 'wake up call' and then everyone else says, "he's being nice to trick you into coming back to him. See, it's a part of this cycle of abuse on this website" then that is going to seriously hinder reconciliation. If the man repents, and the family isn't restored, that a sad thing as well.
Someone else said being submissive got her dog poop wiped on her and a towel in her face. I could be wrong. It could be she was standing there sweetly talking to him in a very submissive manner. But if I had to guess, I'd guess those things happened during a heated argument, maybe one where they were both saying things that hurt the other, rather than because of submission. If he's telling her to stay and she's leaving, then that's not a case of submission leading to dog poop being wiped on her. Failingheart said she could be more submissive. Most wives could probably say that, just as husbands could say to be more loving.
If you do mean the divorce as a 'wake up call' you could talk to him and say you want to leave the door open for reconciliation and start discussing some Christian counseling options and other things to deal with the anger issues. When it comes to custody, you can point out that I Corinthians 6 says not to go to law before unbelievers, so you two can just work something out. If you have a mutual friend that can help diffuse anger and animosity, that might help. It sounds like he's in a confrontational 'go to war' mode. If he's lost hope, that's probably not all that unusual of a response.
What are his list of grievances against you as a wife and/or mother? If it did go to court, those sorts of things might come up.
What are his list of grievances against you as a wife and/or mother? If it did go to court, those sorts of things might come up.
Here is the whole problem Fadingheart you didn't listen at the start.I read your post and you had doubts from the beginning. Anytime you have that strong of doubt in anything do not follow through with it. With all the responses In my opinion that is the real issue. Now I believe you can use your experience to help others who are about to take that kind of serious step. This marriage was over before it started because you knew it was not the right choice.