Her over me

[Verysad]

I found out that my "Christian" husband purchased a very expensive fragrance for another woman on Valentine's day. I confronted him about it. Especially so when before Valentine's Day we discussed that we "had everything" and we would give it a rest after 30 years of marriage. He said he would do it again and talked about how this woman supported him and proceeded to tell me I wasn't a good mother, not a good wife, he wished he had gotten to know me better before we had gotten married, but it is what it is. I am still devastated behind this because I have stayed with him through thick and thin. Every time I try to tell him his errors, he turns everything around as if I did something wrong. He is awful. I don't know why I am writing this because divorce seems to be inevitable. Since then, he always says what a good wife and mother I am. He is crazy and I feel crazy for continuing this relationship. When we have prayer together, in my heart i am saying Lord I
hate him.. he is such a hippocrite and i cannot trust him, ever. There is a whole lot more, but That you for allowing me to vent.

 

[overthechill]

Hello Verysad. I'm sorry you are having these difficulties. We both know your marriage was created by God in Genesis 2:23-24 and then ordained as such in Matthew 19:6. Ephesians 5:22-23 verses are particularly profound for you as is Ephesians 5:25 for him. Please read these two verses and understand their meaning. Marriage is compared to how Christ loved His church. He would and did die for that church and shed His Blood, His Life. If you and your husband live your lives by the princible cited in these verses, you both will live successfully in marriage.

You may have humanly grounds for divorce but this marriage was ordained by God. This is the difficulty of God's paradigm. It will require humility and your forgiveness of your husband's shortcomings. Yes, he got perfume for another woman; maybe someone who is listening to him just as I am listening to you now. That might be strong elixer for a man who feels invisible or unloved. Listening and understand might be welcome relief for you as well.

Understand his issue because you are one with your husband. This "oneness" has been ordained by God and is something that needs rediscovery by you and and your husband. If you see his plight and forgive him, then because you and he are one, his coins over the eyes of his marriage might be lifted as well so you both can see. This is the remedy for your marriage.

God speed! I wish you well and will pray for you.

 

[Lucy68]

People sometimes say things they really don't mean when they are mad or hurt. It would be a shame to let go of everything you both have invested into your marriage.

Would you consider going to marriage counseling together? An objective third party really can help open up the communication lines. Also, you can learn how to 'fight fair'...how to work things out in a calm and rational way.

Marriage is work....celebrating Valentines Day EVERY year (with each other) is a must. Make the effort! Trust CAN be rebuilt, but you both must be willing to try.

Praying for you both....love, forgiveness, and leading by the Holy Spirit.

 

[zaoman32]

Unfortunately we're only hearing one side of the story...yours. I'm sure if we were to hear from your husband we would hear a completely different story and you would be the bad guy. If you've been married for a while it is only natural for you both to have problems with each other. Lucy68 probably gave you the best advice you're going to get on this.

 

[DragonSlayer]

Well, if that's true, that's utterly disgusting, and you're absolutely right being extremely angry about it !
You're a Lord's daughter and you're no doormat of anyone in the universe !
Get things straight with yourself and your husband ! Before the Lord, you have the perfect right to divorce him because he committed adultery with that other woman from valentine's day. But Jesus told about the alternative to forgive your partner if your partner truly repents and treat you right. If you want to save your marriage and forgive your husband (if he truly repents) you have to confront him ASAP and clearly tell him " It's me or her ! "

" Just let your ‘Yes’ be a simple ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ a simple ‘No’; anything more than this has its origin in evil. " Matthew 5:37

 

[Mammachickadee]

Sounds like he has issues with projection... the action of interpreting other people's actions as what they themselves feel or do. Is it possible that he purchased the perfume for you and ended up giving it to you? Whose idea was it to not do something special after 30 years of marriage? That's 30 years of not looking for attention elsewhere... something that should be rewarded. However, this incident was a poor decision on his part... one that was not made lovingly; and when the incident led to confrontation he did not respond as a believer should.
Yes, mistakes are being made... but you should forgive him and love him in spite of himself. I don't mean you have to turn a blind eye... but remaining calm and as loving as possible in the situation will reap rewards. You can love a person and not trust them, but emphasizing negativity instead of encouraging proper behavior is unloving. You have my compassion and empathy. I can't imagine how it must hurt to hear such censure, but I do know that a biblical response will lead to no regrets.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Well, if that's true, that's utterly disgusting, and you're absolutely right being extremely angry about it !
Before the Lord, you have the perfect right to divorce him because he committed adultery with that other woman from valentine's day.

There is a grey area surrounding biblical divorce, and buying an expensive gift (depending on what happened to prompt such a thing) falls under that grey area... it's not an outright affair. I respect your opinion, but I must say that the Bible delineates that we are to love our spouses as Christ loves the church, and as He kept the church. Thank God we persevere as saints and are not dropped every time we stray.

 

[sandtigeress]

Hate is an awfull feeling and it is not easy to come back from it, when we are deeply hurt by someone we love.
But it is a feeling (if toward a person) that keeps us from god and from peace and forgiveness.
Try to forgive your husband for the hurt. Ask god to help.

If your husband would come to counceling, that might be an answer (mine does not want to, he just wants to be single again).

 

[presidente]

Well, if that's true, that's utterly disgusting, and you're absolutely right being extremely angry about it !
You're a Lord's daughter and you're no doormat of anyone in the universe !
Get things straight with yourself and your husband ! Before the Lord, you have the perfect right to divorce him because he committed adultery with that other woman from valentine's day.

We can't know that from what she posted. Buying perfume isn't the same thing as committing adultery. It's a clue something bad might be going on. If he says she supports him and he can talk to her, he might be having an emotional affair, but that isn't necessarily physical adultery either.

It does need to be taken seriously and addressed.

 

[Cino]

Well, if it is true, perhaps the best thing is to leave him. You can try for so many years to keep it together, but if both parties do not work on it, it doesn't work. I have been married for 38 long hard years, and had many difficulties. There have never been other men or women to be confronted into our marriage, but there were other hard times that I thought I would just leave. I stayed with my husband. However, if I were to find out he was having anything at all to do with another woman, I would probably leave, even after 38 years of marriage. There comes a point when you just can't trust anymore.