Here's to bare knuckles and stripped fingers on the marriage front

[Mammachickadee]

I'm married, two kids, housewife, home cook, military spouse... the whole suburbia thing. I'm also in the same position as a married woman that I was in 4 years ago: being the wife of someone who is on the computer ALL DAY LONG at work and at home while sacrificing time with family and even sleep. Tonight especially I'm grasping for a definition of how to honor a husband who blatantly disregards his wife's need to talk; have simple questions answered; have a parent for a child; and have a little contact comfort. Remind me, again, how I'm supposed to honor a husband's request to be left to his own devices?

 

[emptymailbag]

If I may be so bold... address this RIGHT NOW with him.

I myself closed off from my wife for a long time due to health issues that I hid from her, feeling like I was burdening her with more stress related and financial related things than she needed. She closed off from me during that time, hiding an emotional relationship with a married man, that then gave way to an extensive affair.

I am NOT saying that you or your husband are in any way in that boat, just that from my own personal life experience, it happens... and my wife has shown me and our 3 boys how disturbingly easy it can be.

Address this RIGHT NOW! Men and women are NOT on the same page when it comes to our "needs"... When women list their top 5 items for what they need as compared to a man listing his top 5, they are in most cases not even close.

Women value (in general, NOT all women)
Affection
Intimate Communication
Honesty and Openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment

Men value (in general, NOT all men)
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
Physical Attractiveness
Domestic Support
Admiration

Again, these are generalizations... not set in concrete or stone descriptions of all people. But I FIRMLY agree that men and women prioritize their needs MUCH differently, and as a result, it is easier for some to fall prey to trouble and distance in a marriage... and ultimately run the VERY high risk of an affair taking place to fill that "need" in one spouse or another.

Please forgive my being blunt, but as I have said now a few times, this absolutely NEEDS to be addressed RIGHT NOW. If my wife had come to me with questions of why I was being distant, rather than the constant berating me for not participating, if I had felt the sharing of my health issues wouldn't be met with disdain or harsh criticism, if there were the suggestion of counseling to assist us through the gap that had widened... if, If, IF!!!!

DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!! Fight for your marriage! I fought as HARD as I could, but she was already gone, she had checked out of our marriage years ago, and is comfortable with the choices she has made. Believe me when I say that it is devastating to hear those words come from your spouse, THE ONE person that you would have done anything for, only to find YOU are not that one person for them in their heart. It is devastating.

Address this between your husband and yourself, get counseling right now. He may get upset saying that there isn't a need, that there isn't time, or that there isn't money. Your marriage, my marriage, ANY marriage, should be the ONE THING that is worth fighting for.

Now... go fight for your marriage with everything that you have.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

 

[ladybugg]

Yes this is a hard subject i was married for 18 years before i checked out after much abusive etc was single mom for 16 years now got married again but its just not the same . Somedays i think i have made a mistake to re marry. So if u can save ur first marriage give it all you can. There is only one chance at this. Mort Fertel is a christian counciler google his web site he is very good and might just help. Take care all

 

[John_agape]

I have also seen some of Mort Fertel's advice. I'd give him a try.

 

[Mammachickadee]

No doubt that my husband and I have different needs. It's ironic how reversed our rose are. I look at the needs list you posted and agree that the status quo is pretty accurately described. In my case, much to my husband's frustration at times, I take on a lot of characteristically male needs as portrayed in much of my lifestyle as a single mom (he was absent much of our oldest daughter's life). Most of the time my job as a wife and mom takes up my day and thoughts... but at the end of the day, no matter how much I talk to him about the issue or try to pray it away, I'm left with an overwhelming realization that I feel like an inconvenience to my husband's technological desires. In his defense he deals with much stress and that is his chosen way of contending with it.

 

[msgomez1000]

mamma my ex husband had a net addiction that led to affairs and sending $ to women in the Philippines. It is real and not sure how people fix it.

 

[Hungry]

Depression manifests itself in many ways. You say he's in the military. Men need a purpose or they become stagnant and depressed. A man's occupation usually is an indication of how they define themselves, not that it should, but it does. Now you have a warrior sitting at a computer all day. My guess is that he's bored with life, depressed. He needs something to wake him up and get his blood flowing. He needs to feel like a man again. I suggest attack him playfully. If you want his attention try to beat him up or have a nerf dart gun fight. My suggestion is anything that reminds him of the warrior he sees himself as he once was will get his attention. Then after you have had some laughs then talk to him about needing your husband back. Lifting heavy weights also brings men back to life. Never underestimate the power of testosterone.