How do you deal with a slightly dysfunctional family?

[acesneverwin]

So I have a bro who is married to a terrible person. For whatever reason, he never leaves her but acts like he's her... well... you know... he is totally submissive to her. She'll talk down to him (she didn't know I was listening in) and in a snappy tone and he'll do whatever she says or apologize... whatever to not make her upset. He steals for her, they drink and do drugs even though she's pregnant, whatever she says goes... She sleeps around while he's in prison and he knows it but he never seems to care. He lets her do it too... I let them borrow my house a long time ago and they had a guy over and yeah, he just goes in another room (this was a looong time ago and I didn't know that till after I kicked them out and no, they don't touch nothing of mine anymore). She's not attractive, she's over weight, tons of baggage (had two kids from previous relationships) and she bosses him around... He even ended up on deaths door nearly a year ago after a drinking/drug binge and it was a miracle he lived... but he learned no lesson and went back to her and they still do the same stupid stuff. It's always around the end/first of the month. I guess when they get their food stamps.

Ok... my parents let them live together at their house cause they are homeless and have no job. My parents stick their head in the ground, my mom anyway. They couldn't be doing drugs and drinking she's pregnant blah blah blah. But it was obvious cause they'd run off the same time every month. But my mom doesn't know how to handle them. She worries herself sick over him and doesn't wanna kick them out or do anything to make them angry at her (it runs in the family I guess). She says I don't understand because I'm not a mother... But I think she shouldn't always be so nice to them be so gullible that they'd change or have.

It is frustrating to deal with. My mom is a very clingy person anyway. She has no friends save the ones from HS she rarely sees and never had a job since I've been alive. She also doesn't get the emotional attention she needs from my dad because my dad is a stone... He is content to work (his life), read the newspaper and go to bed. He does not understand emotions at all... so I can understand how she needs someone so yes she clings to us kids and I feel sorry for her but... it makes it difficult when she won't be a mom and give my bro tough love. And it's difficult cause then I have to hear about it... If my parents would have stood up and told my bro was never to see her again after he got out of the hospital... it'd be fine. He even said he'd get a divorce. But a month after he's out, my mom tells him it's her birthday (she called and had been calling my mom off and on with sob stories) so my bro goes and calls her and that next day, they're together and they need a place to stay. And they end up living at my parents house together. Totally stupid. And yes they're still doing the same stupid stuff... once a month they run off. And then my mom thinks everything's all better after they come back and they're all nice again but then they pull it again next month and she's a worry wart all over.

Right now they are living on the street somewhere out behind a supermarket cause they don't wanna go to anyones house (I know it's cause they've been doing their drugs) and his wife is a complete drama queen with panic attacks and going to the emergency room for everything. Now, if it were me, I'd say sayonara and never talk to them again unless my bro wakes up and stands up for himself to her... but they're always at my parents and always doing the same stuff... she doesn't want to change, it's evident. He seems to want to and does good when they're in rehab type programs but for God only knows what reason, he stays with her and she always ends up not liking someone and wants to leave. She won't let him be around any girls, period... any girl comes along, he looks the other way or they have major fights.

So I'm at a loss at what to do... I love my mom and feel sorry for her but her actions are frustrating. He's my bro and it's nice when they're having fun playing games or whatever and you think maybe he'll grow out of it but nope. It'd be even better if he'd grow some balls and stand up for himself but if a NDE didn't change him, I really don't know what else there is between that and death that will open your eyes up. Kind of sad when you think about when he was like 9 and wanting to be the next Billy Graham and how important it is to tell others about Jesus... hardy had... wonder what changed that. Anyway...

Yeah... their is really no talking with my mom... she'll play the victim every time. I've really given up talking to her about ANYTHING... Bro is a loss... and it's not like I don't have my own problems they, or anyone else in the real world, knows about... And I'm kind of worried about what's gonna happen when my dad dies. I mean, he's getting old. It's gonna happen someday. When it does, my mom will be a wreck... she's the paranoid, "he's gonna leave me for another woman" type already so just imagine when he dies... and she'll end up at my house... along with my other brother (I have two) who... is a bum and also living with my parents. He's got issues festering under the surface I can tell... you can see it when he gets angry. What I mean is, there is a raging anger, like pint up frustration... kind of hard to describe but I only recognize it because I've had similar moments... a depression thing I think. Doin something frustrating and you pop... and it seems you got mad over something so little but it was really just bottled frustration from totally unrelated stuff being released. Anyway, yeah, like I said it's not like I don't have my own problems so I couldn't deal with THAT if that happens anytime soon (and you never know... I think any day over 60 should be considered a blessing and my dad is 62 so I've already prepared myself). None of them would have anywhere else to go but I'd probably hang myself if they all ended up over at my house. I mean, it'd appear cold if I said no...

I try not to think about that though for now. Cross that bridge when it gets here.

Anyway, I got sidetracked... how do I deal with this in a Christian way? I don't want to appear cold... but it is frustrating to watch and I hate hearing about it from my mom... but I feel sorry for her too. And my bro is incredibly frustrating cause I still don't know why he stays with this woman let alone does everything she says. He knows it hurts my mom but... I don't see how you can get a bigger kick in the pants than practically come back from the dead (he seriously was a mess I didn't think it was possible he'd come out of his diabetic coma and if he did, I thought at best he would be a vegetable...)

Thanks

 

[kenisyes]

The trouble is, with dysfunctional parents and a dysfunctional brother, you have got to keep your distance long enough to let God make you fully functional. Without this, you won't have any help to give.

Correcting it is not possible from your position, and in some sense it's none of your business. Let them unload on you if they want to (it's easier once you realize you can't fix it), say how sad it makes you feel, and pray for them. If you have had a simialr experience, and you can share without judging, that may be helpful. In time, your prayer and love may well make the difference. Again, that's really all you have to offer.

 

[Lucy68]

That is really tough to deal with! I think it is possible for a Christian to have some emotional distance from things that are out of their control and still pray and help with the 'right' kind of help. Allowing people to be irresponsible is NOT helping them.

You don't HAVE to let your other brother live with you...that is your choice. Sounds like you're feeling panicky that you might have to be the one to take care of everybody else who refuses to take care of themselves. No, you don't have to. You can help them find a job, help them find the help they need, pray for them, talk to them, but no, you don't have to let them move in and continue their sin-life under your roof.

I love my children, but they will not be allowed to live with us and do certain behaviors and especially not when they are capable of working and supporting themselves. Actually, I think we have an obligation to God to keep our household in as sinless of a state as possible. It's a way of honoring Him....similar to what Joshua said..."but for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". That means no blatant sinning allowed.

There are ways of helping your family without you yourself being torn to pieces. Praying for you..strength and guidance. Worshiping with fellow Christians will help strengthen you, and of course, studying God's Word. His Spirit will lead you

 

[rechem]

Perhaps in your brother's childhood (and likely his girlfriends), they never got the discipline and love and attention that children need. You say you feel that your mother is a very clinging person, which could explain why she stays with your father, out of necessity rather than love. It's tough because what happens is that the children learn loveless lives. And become as the parents. Perhaps cold and distant, or unconfident, clingy and with detrimental low-self esteem. It's a sad thing because it's really all born out of fear.

I would suggest perhaps looking at it from a different angle. ask 'why do they behave this way?'

I would suggest that your father has had some trauma in his life, and he is afraid of emotions. I would suggest that your mother has had instability that has made her very unconfident, and she craves safety and security. And whether you know it or not, this might be why her and your father are together. She gives him a sense of security in that he works hard, and doesn't come with emotional issues (except for lack of expression). She gets to be the emotional member of the relationship. It isn't a perfect dynamic but there they are.

But what happens then is that there is a very small amount of relationship development. Days become repetitive. Conversation becomes stale. Life becomes a bit of a chore. And it carries over into the children's lives. They find escape methods, ways of coping, and stimulus and comfort from other areas of their lives. Yours from Christianity, theirs from drugs.

I would suggest that you begin to analyze things in this way, because you may very well find out a lot of the motives behind the ways that each member of your family (including you) act. and when you discover the desires and motives in the heart, you can mould your own towards God, and have the compassion you will require to help others to Him.

My hopes are with you.