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Ohk so lets start from the beginning. I was the miracle child, before me, mum had I don’t know how many miscarriages and 3 still borns a set of twins then a girl. Mum and dad divorced when I was about 6 months old. Soon after mum met dean my step dad and then a few months later had my little sister Stephanie. Dean has 3 sons and pretty soon im not sure when but mum wouldn’t allow them near me and my sister because of the countless times they tried to either kill or seriously injure us. When I was about 3 we moved to patea a little town in south taranaki so I could attend the primary school my grandmother attended. For the first 18 months it was only me and I don’t really remember it. All I can remember is that I could write with both hands but my teacher whenever she saw me use my left hand would hit me with a ruler. When my sister was about 3 she ran in to the corner of a coffee table and got stabbed in her right eye which is now cross eyed, anyway when she started school she got picked on , now I didn’t know why she got picked on it wasn’t until I was about 12 that I realised she was different, and one day she was returning a ball to the sports box in the hall way and one of the older kids maybe a 12 year old went to punch her, I ran to stop him and in his rage he had me against the wall choking me when my friend ran to tell someone this bully whipped him with a skipping rope and me being an idiot again tried to stop him. Incidents like this happened for 3 or 4 years and the school refused to admit they had a bulling problem. I hated school and because of that I hated my mum for making me go, I would come home with black eyes, homework ended in tears because I couldn’t read, and the teachers were horrible, I got this new teacher and she diagnosed me with a learning disability called dyslexia, my teacher my mum and myself worked really hard and by the time I was 8 or 9 I could read. I still hated school though and convinced dad to let me move in with him. He never had much to do with me but I idolised my dad he was my favourite person in the world. Stephanie and I moved in with dad and his wife Fiona and soon things went from bad to worse. She physically and verbally abused me for 6 years, every day I was told that I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, and will never find a place for me in this world, she told me that I was naughty evil child. Being told this every day made me believe it.As I was the oldest I took the blame for everything because I didn’t want to see steph in trouble, I would regulary go for days on end with no food because bad children weren’t allowed food. At the primary school I went to they had a bible class that we were allowed to attend. I went to every class because I wanted to believe that there was someone to look after me, things got worse and I forgot god and even started to hate people who believed in him. Countless times I thought about killing myself but everytime something stopped me.When I was in 3rd form I moved to wairoa there I got involved with kids going through similar stuff to me, I finally started thinking that maybe I didn’t diserve this that maybe im not this evil person that Fiona says I am. I started to get some strength and that was when Fiona started bad mouthing my mum. Still to this day I don’t know how to stand up for myself but I would fight to the death for anyone else.This was the time that I started to rebel against dad and Fiona. One day things got extra bad and she threatened to kill me, she had tried in the past but this time I got the feeling that she would make sure she finished the job. so while she was feeding the animals I wrote a letter to dad and ran away I hid under the roots of a tree until dark and then I started to walk the 30 odd k into town the cops found me and took me back dad kicked me out and disowned me sending me to my uncles farm to work until mum was back in the country I got moved around about 7 times in 3 weeks and then moved in with mum.At first I kept to myself only leaving my room when mum made me come and eat. She sent me to a councellor but I refused to talk to anyone. After a few months I finally started to talk to mum the terror on her face as she heard for the first time the things I had been going through for 6 years.I have been carrying this hatred and hurt in my heart for 10 years I hate dad so much for abandoning me for not sticking up for me and for hurting me and I hurt because everyday I ask myself what did I do that would make a father disown his own daughter. Every day I looked in the mirror and thought who would ever want you your ugly your fat your stupid and you don’t belong anywhere in this world.mum sent me to the Christian youth group and I hated it every time I told them that god isn’t real because if he was he wouldn’t make me go through all of this I didn’t trust them they were judgemental and self ritious. 4 months after I got kicked out my sister broke under the pressure and moved in with mum aswell. Even though she didn’t get the extent I got she took it a lot harder then I took it so mum and dean spent all there energy on her and just forgot about me. As usual I put on a brave face but inside I was crying out for help. I felt like no one wanted me and again had thoughts about killing myself. I turned to sex because it felt like I was wanted, I had no respect for myself and neither did the guys I got with. And tbh I just didn’t care I felt like I had no future. I still stood up for the underdog and got in a lot of fights because of it. At school I wasn’t hated nore was I liked and it was another low part for me. About a year ago I started taking drugs, it was a way for me to let everything go leave it all behind, I then quit school because I was bored and I wasn’t learning anything, I felt like if I stayed in school I would really fall off the rails, I gota job and moved up to Cambridge.my first week here I got drunk for the first time with my flat mates and ended up sleeping with one of them I still don’t remember that night but it scared me so much I promised myself I would never get that drunk again. A month or so after I moved here I meet jess howse and she invited me to come to dojo at first I was really sceptical and tbh scared my first night here they talked about how bad sex is and how its frowned upon all I could think was they hate me already. I meet Georgia josie ash scott and sam and they all helped me to see what being a Christian is all about along with the help of rscc. I felt as though I finally belonged somewhere and that someone actually cared about me. I started to think about god all the time I stopped the drugs and I stopped having sex. I didn’t know why but dad was also always on my mind, I realised for me to let go of the hatred and hurt I was feeling I first had to forgive dad. I wanted god to be in my life so badly but all I could think was how scared I am to give myself to someone, firstly because I was scared he would leave me like everyone else and 2ndly hes god why would he want to be in the life of someone like me . I kept coming to dojo though and then got invited to HM Rage while at rage I saw the love everyone had for god and then realised god will never leave me. At one of the night preformances scott did a skit about the lost son, god was speaking to me through scott telling me that my father may have left me but he never will and if I leave him he will still welcome me back with open arms, half an hour after that I became a Christian, I gave my life to god, what I felt was amazing and It still does, that was 3 weeks ago and since then god keeps showing me that he is still there that he hasn’t left me, in my decision to follow god I got 2 of my childhood wishes come true 1 is to have a father that loves me unconditionally and 2 to have a brother to protect me. I am so much happier now and I know I never want to leave god, he has given me a place in this world I can now thank him everyday for the life he has given me, you guys might see it as a difficult life but the way I look at is like this, I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for the life I have lived , im a bit messed up but god is helping me get better and im a lot stronger then I ever would have been. Also other kids are a lot worse off then me, this to me shows me god wants me to help those kids through my own experiences even if its just a shoulder to cry on (well that’s why I think god gave me the life I have had) I know that hes going to test me and at times I wont see why but he is the one thing that I know will stay the same he will never leave. Guys I know some of you are scared about the whole idea of god I know I was but there is nothing to be scared about. You will never regret the decision to follow god. He will look after you I have no doubt about it.
i'm glad you found the Lord.