Hurting

[Strength]

Hi, I am new to this forum. I should have introduced myself in the new members section, however I am hurting so much I needed to come here first.
A year ago, my husband confessed to sleeping with his ex, whom he has 2 children with. It happened once when he brought his children to her home. He only confessed because she then pressed sexual harassment charges against him, which were just recently dropped. I forgave him and I have been trying to move on with our relationship. I was also forced, because of the charges, to be the mediator between them for their kids sake. This has not helped me with healing at all. It has been a year since I found out and I am still hurting so much. I try to talk to him to understand why it happened and I also try to talk to him because I am hurting. I need his comfort, support, understanding, and patience, but he is unable to give it to me because he thinks I should be over it now or I should just clear my head and move on. I can't until I feel his love by giving me what I need. He can't give me what I need because I "won't let him by holding on to this hurt".
I have died inside. I am not the same person. I am sad and guarded. Now because of this (my fault according to him) , I recently found out he watches a lot of porn and he has joined some online dating sites to "just chat".
How can I ever heal? How can I ever trust him? I love him so much and I know he loves me, but his actions are telling me he is done with our relationship.
He is a Christian man. He brought me into Christianity.
I cry everyday struggling with what to do. I want to work through this with him and live a happy life together forever, but am I being too naive? I feel so stupid.

 

[Sirk]

You need connection and support. Does your church offer a mentoring program? Can you see a counselor?

 

[jogoldie]

Welcome and hello.....my little sister....I have been through this....I know your pain.....God brought me through.....He provided a way.....He will do this for you.....its His promise....I agree with brother Sirk...reach out...God will put someone there for you....I am here if youneed a friend...just pm me....I'm not trained....or am I a therapist....I am a mom...and Grandmom..I am praying for you....and I pray for your peace and understanding..... Love your sister in Christ....jo

 

[Dan58]

So many women post on here with similar situations. You have an unfaithful husband that you can't completely trust because he slept with his ex, and now he's on porn and dating sites? Your not being naive, these are red flags that should concern you. Married people don't go on dating sights to "chat". If he wants to chat, send him here . You can't heal when its an ongoing saga. I'd give him a simple choice; Its the dating site or You. Lay down the law and mean it. You've got to stop being a doormat for this playboy. He's not committing to your marriage, so of course you feel insecure. Give him an ultimatum, playtime is over, and if he doesn't comply... Leave! Life is too short to put-up with this kind of bs. Put hope on a shelf and base your decisions on what he's actually doing, because that's reality. Personally, I would have been out the door when he slept with his ex, but only you can make that call. jmo

And as I've mentioned before, try to get to know someones character prior to jumping into marriage. The warning signs are usually there, but many young ladies seem to be blinded by love and dive into the shallow end of the pool.

 

[Sirk]

So many women post on here with similar situations. You have an unfaithful husband that you can't completely trust because he slept with his ex, and now he's on porn and dating sites? Your not being naive, these are red flags that should concern you. Married people don't go on dating sights to "chat". If he wants to chat, send him here . You can't heal when its an ongoing saga. I'd give him a simple choice; Its the dating site or You. Lay down the law and mean it. You've got to stop being a doormat for this playboy. He's not committing to your marriage, so of course you feel insecure. Give him an ultimatum, playtime is over, and if he doesn't comply... Leave! Life is too short to put-up with this kind of bs. Put hope on a shelf and base your decisions on what he's actually doing, because that's reality. Personally, I would have been out the door when he slept with his ex, but only you can make that call. jmo

And as I've mentioned before, try to get to know someones character prior to jumping into marriage. The warning signs are usually there, but many young ladies seem to be blinded by love and dive into the shallow end of the pool.

I tend to agree with this tough love approach in cases like this. Simply because it can reveal the true character of a person real fast. The truth is, people just don't do things like he is doing... in a vacuum. Typically it has behind it a deep seated hurt. Forcing him to make a choice about where he is going will either make him land the plane or crash it into the ground in a ball of flames.

 

[JesusLives]

Ultimatums don't usually go well I gave one at one time and it ended badly for me....But then it has already been bad for you so what do you have to loose. You have already lost his love because if he really loved you he would not have done any of this or ever even thought about sleeping with the ex. At any rate you are hurting and in pain and for that and you I am truly sorry. Pray and ask God to work this situation out for you and to help clarify what you should do. Counseling or divorce the choice will be yours and if you want to continue to hurt keep on the path you are on as sounds like your Christian husband needs to figure out if he is really a Christian or not.

Father In Heaven

Please be with our sister who is hurting and has a broken heart right now please hold her in Your arms of love and help her to have clarity in what she should do in this situation. Please open the eyes of her husband to see the wrong he has committed against his wife and make the path clear for our sister to know what she should do. Build her faith and trust in You and bring her peace I pray in Jesus Name Amen.

 

[tourist]

Your husband betrayed your trust with his infidelity and he continues to do so with the porn and chats. No married man needs to be in a online dating service to do chats. This is seriously inappropriate and horribly wrong. He may say that he is a Christian man but his behavior in the past and his repeated behavior says that he has extremely serious issues and does not take his spiritual relationship with the Lord seriously.

You will never be able to trust this man. You will never be able to heal if you stay in this relationship.

You strongly need to consider divorce so that you can be at a place of healing and then move forward with your life.

 

[fdpa24]

Hi, I am new to this forum. I should have introduced myself in the new members section, however I am hurting so much I needed to come here first.
A year ago, my husband confessed to sleeping with his ex, whom he has 2 children with. It happened once when he brought his children to her home. He only confessed because she then pressed sexual harassment charges against him, which were just recently dropped. I forgave him and I have been trying to move on with our relationship. I was also forced, because of the charges, to be the mediator between them for their kids sake. This has not helped me with healing at all. It has been a year since I found out and I am still hurting so much. I try to talk to him to understand why it happened and I also try to talk to him because I am hurting. I need his comfort, support, understanding, and patience, but he is unable to give it to me because he thinks I should be over it now or I should just clear my head and move on. I can't until I feel his love by giving me what I need. He can't give me what I need because I "won't let him by holding on to this hurt".
I have died inside. I am not the same person. I am sad and guarded. Now because of this (my fault according to him) , I recently found out he watches a lot of porn and he has joined some online dating sites to "just chat".
How can I ever heal? How can I ever trust him? I love him so much and I know he loves me, but his actions are telling me he is done with our relationship.
He is a Christian man. He brought me into Christianity.
I cry everyday struggling with what to do. I want to work through this with him and live a happy life together forever, but am I being too naive? I feel so stupid.

I would encourage you to get some marriage counseling. Also if your husband is willing have him have a sit down with the pastor. Also pray pray and pray God is great at being God and everything in the end will be for His Glory and will work out for you in the end. I know you love your husband but I know Jesus loves him even more and He might very well need to shift the sands for your Husband to decide to come back to you or more importantly to Him. I have also learned that the Holy Spirit is better at getting through to people better then sometimes what I have or think in the flesh.

I will be praying for you

 

[santuzza]

I believe all relationships can be healed, but both parties need to want it to happen. It doesn't sound to me like your husband wants it too very badly. Once he broke your trust two years ago, he needed to woo you back -- he still needs to do that. And you don't do that by looking at porn and chatting on online dating sites.

SO... you both need to go to Christian counseling -- both separately AND together. Are you going to church together? You need to do that. You also need to pray together -- every day! Also, study the Bible together -- you'd be surprised how much healing can happen just by reading the Bible together everyday.

Praying for your relationship.

 

[JaeSullivan]

I sympathize with you very much. I too had a divorce and seem like I lost my son along with the divorce.

I feel very hurt by my son. I know in my heart that he loves me but... he acts very cold toward me most of the time. Recently he needed to move back into my home because he did not want to renew his lease with his apartment complex. He have plans to leave this city to pursue a job in the field that he went to school for.

I stay in my bedroom most of the time because I know he do not want to have anything to say to me unless he initiate the conversation. I love him unconditionally. He seem to be very angry. God have enabled me to do so much for him as he was going to school while he worked part time. He never asked me for anything but I had to help him whenever I suspected that he needed help. He do not seem to appreciate the things I do for him but... I am sure he do. It somehow seem like he view me as his enemy. His attitude is awful. His dad passed when he was twelve years old...he is now in his thirties. Somehow he seem to blame me because his dad and I separated about a year before his dad passed. I feel hurt because I have always done everything I could for my children and made sure they knew I loved them. I am at a loss. I pray to God to give me peace at how he is toward me. I was very much at peace before he moved back in. He profess to being a Christian but...he do not seem to have compassion or tolerance for others. He do not seem to want to hear anything I have to share with him about scriptures. He act as though he have all the knowledge and that I know nothing. There is so much more that I cannot even go into all of it. If my other sons knew how it is for me with him being here...they would tell him to leave. I never want to cause discord between my sons. I just needed to share as I have no one I feel I can share this with.

Thanks for your time to even read this.

 

[mystikmind]

My wife is divorcing me at the moment, it is at an advanced stage and i am over her, but also i learnt allot from this.
In the marriage she was not happy and turned her back on me in the bedroom, i was a fool, well i was broken and depressed, i did not understand that i needed help. In the last 3 years of marriage, we only has sex twice! i turned to internet porn (after i discovered she had graphic romance books), but the thought of dating sites absolutely never even crossed my mind! Neither did i consider cheating, i always believed we would get through these hard times somehow, i think that belief is what kept me loyal (aside from the internet porn).

My point is, for me to have signed up to dating sites like him, what would i be thinking? I would be thinking there was no hope of saving the relationship. He sounds like a man who has either given up or he has a less than positive attitude to relationships because of the things that have happened to him.

This is probably very bad advice, but if i was in your position, i would definitely have signed up to those dating sites under a false name, located him on there and talked to him as if i was a stranger and just see what secrets are revealed? What i find out would most likely be deeply hurtful, and not even necessarily true, but i would gain deeper insights, possibly learning what i need to do to either save the relationship or end it.

 

[pwrnJC]

amen, sister...I hope she takes your advice..and this male sees it happen daily at the homeless shelter I manage. Yes, she hurts and needs a backbone. SHe did not ask for this...apparently her hubby thinks that life goes on, lah dee dah, while she is still trying to figure out his sick actions that led him to hurt her and their marriage. HE is the one who needs help. This lady has shouldered this too long...

 

[BibleReader]

The husband is supposed to love the wife as Jesus loves the Church.

The infidelity and emotional cheating definitely is a pattern. I've heard of married men being addictive to porn, which is bad in and of itself, but going on dating sites to chat? What? That's engaging real people. I feel outraged on your behalf.

He does not deserve your trust; he has broken it repeatedly, and how can you even know the extent of it?

Your husband needs to figure out what his Christainity means to him because turning away from sin and towards God is like a complete 180. He is not looking towards God in any of his actions currently. He is not making a sincere effort to grow in faith if he is allowing destructive sin to control his actions.

To me, what matters most in this situation is your relationship with the Lord and what the Lord wants from you. You need to pray to God, figure out if this marriage is worth saving. Do not be afraid to listen to God. He does not want anyone to suffer or to be incable of healing. I, personaly, think you should strongly consider a divorce, sometimes, these topics are so heavy and above my "pay grade" so to speak, but my gut feeling is what it is.

I definitely will say a prayer for you, particularly so God can give you clarify of your feelings.

 

[roxxyroller]

It's not only husbands who cheat, because I had an affair that lasted 4 years before becoming born again. I begged God for forgiveness, and once I knew that I was forgiven, I was able to forgive myself. I walked around with so much guilt, and I was so ashamed. The lies that I told were unreal. I am truly sorry to this day. This guy that I was having an affair with is a real jerk and was so mentally abusive to me, I don't know how I put up with it for as long as I did ... but I stuck around because I thought that I actually loved him!! I know this is all against God, and before I turned to God ... my life was a HUGE mess!

Edited to say that the affair just ended like last week ... so I am attending church now and reading the Bible .. and thirst for the Word of God.

 

[mystikmind]

It's not only husbands who cheat, because I had an affair that lasted 4 years before becoming born again. I begged God for forgiveness, and once I knew that I was forgiven, I was able to forgive myself. I walked around with so much guilt, and I was so ashamed. The lies that I told were unreal. I am truly sorry to this day. This guy that I was having an affair with is a real jerk and was so mentally abusive to me, I don't know how I put up with it for as long as I did ... but I stuck around because I thought that I actually loved him!! I know this is all against God, and before I turned to God ... my life was a HUGE mess!

Edited to say that the affair just ended like last week ... so I am attending church now and reading the Bible .. and thirst for the Word of God.

Wow, that is quite a powerful testimony! Can i ask, do you have a wise Christian friend/mentor to help guide and encourage you in this time? I can imagine there will be a few challenges ahead on the road to continue to get your life back on track and grow in your faith.

 

[roxxyroller]

Wow, that is quite a powerful testimony! Can i ask, do you have a wise Christian friend/mentor to help guide and encourage you in this time? I can imagine there will be a few challenges ahead on the road to continue to get your life back on track and grow in your faith.

Yes! My brother in law (who is a minister), oldest sister, nieces, nephews, mom having been attending the same church for a very long time. I have attended myself, but everytime I am there I just don't feel comfortable because of some controversy that certain people have against others ... it's really stupid. But I prayed for God to help me find a new church and someone to go with me, and low & behold, one of my nieces and her hubby and the kids recently just started to go to this new church, and my friend Chris said that she loves that particular church and would go with me anytime. We went this past Sunday and it was so enlightening and the service was like a breath of fresh air! The people were so kind, and the pastor was so easy to understand through his preaching! I met him and he is VERY nice! I put in a prayer request to meet with him as soon as possible and get all this crap from my past off of my chest. I look so forward to going this Friday to service, and then Easter Sunday again!!

 

[twotwo]

A year ago, JOHN DOE confessed to sleeping with his ex, whom he has 2 children with.

JOHN DOE only confessed because she then pressed sexual harassment charges against him.

JANE DOE forgave him and is trying to move on with their relationship.

It has been a year since then and JANE is still deeply hurt.

JANE loves him so much but JOHN is not showing any love …

JANE needs to be loved but JOHN prefers to watch porn and fish on dating sites.

JANE is died inside and is not the same person anymore. JOHN said that it her fault.

How can JANE ever heal? Who would ever trust JOHN?

JANE cling to the past dreaming of a happy live with an illusion!

JANE is very bright woman but her feelings are strongly distorted by her emotions!

Be neutral and suppose that this happens to your best friend JANE DOE!

What would you say to JANE?

As it is written: “Love does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking.”

So much pain in your heart! Do not be overcome by evil sister…

I wish you meet my best friend Jesus. You would never be disappointed with Him…

 

[mystikmind]

Yes! My brother in law (who is a minister), oldest sister, nieces, nephews, mom having been attending the same church for a very long time. I have attended myself, but everytime I am there I just don't feel comfortable because of some controversy that certain people have against others ... it's really stupid. But I prayed for God to help me find a new church and someone to go with me, and low & behold, one of my nieces and her hubby and the kids recently just started to go to this new church, and my friend Chris said that she loves that particular church and would go with me anytime. We went this past Sunday and it was so enlightening and the service was like a breath of fresh air! The people were so kind, and the pastor was so easy to understand through his preaching! I met him and he is VERY nice! I put in a prayer request to meet with him as soon as possible and get all this crap from my past off of my chest. I look so forward to going this Friday to service, and then Easter Sunday again!!

That is very encouraging to hear! I hope in some way your story is also encouraging to the OP

 

[keepitsimple]

It's not only husbands who cheat, because I had an affair that lasted 4 years before becoming born again. I begged God for forgiveness, and once I knew that I was forgiven, I was able to forgive myself. I walked around with so much guilt, and I was so ashamed. The lies that I told were unreal. I am truly sorry to this day. This guy that I was having an affair with is a real jerk and was so mentally abusive to me, I don't know how I put up with it for as long as I did ... but I stuck around because I thought that I actually loved him!! I know this is all against God, and before I turned to God ... my life was a HUGE mess!

Edited to say that the affair just ended like last week ... so I am attending church now and reading the Bible .. and thirst for the Word of God.

It's not how our life's story starts dear sis' ... but how it ends ... and with Whom. For you ... in Christ's love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_rkjImav_8

 

[roxxyroller]

Thank you keepitsimple! I loved that song!!!!!! God Bless you!