Hey Letti,
I know how it feels. I was physically abused by my mother for many, many years and at 20 years of age, she told me there was no love left for me at home and that she wanted me out of the house within the next few days. I was angry, I was hurt, I was angry at God (this all took place before I came back to the Lord), and it destroyed me so much to have my own mother pour that in to my life. I didn't speak to her for a year, but eventually she sort to come back in to my life.
I went through so many mixed emotions when my brother told me of my mother's intentions, but because I wasn't ready to forgive her, the beginnings of our reconciliation was painful and forced. I didn't trust her and I still saw her as my enemy. I remember when we saw each other again for the first time in 12 months, I felt like a child. I wanted to so badly fall apart in her arms and to cry for hours, and yet I wanted to cause her the same kind of pain she caused me. During that first encounter, She slipped me an envelope which had $400 in it. She told me there was more of that if I wanted it. At the time, I was furious that she was trying to buy my love. But only now with a renewed heart can I say this is how she saw 'love'.
I finally came back to the Lord a year and a half after our reconciliation and the ground I have covered over the last 10 months have been ground breaking compared to the year and a half without the Lord. Before I accepted God as my Saviour, I spent most of my time meddling in the pain my parents caused me and acting on that rejection and heart ache. I finally died to myself and cried out to God. I received tremendous healing in the first six months. Although I was in such a high coming back to God, I eventually found myself living out of my car while earning $180 a week. After a week of that, I humbly asked to move back in with my parents. It was hard, mainly because I God pointed out that I still had unforgiveness in my heart. I argued with God, I said, "God, surely I live under the same roof as my mother and I help her out, isn't this forgiveness?" and boy did he prod a sore spot in my heart, as well as lovingly beckoning me to forgive her again so he could heal me.
I was so afraid of moving back in with my parents after the way I had to depart from them. I was scared I would return to my old bedroom and have all the pain and anguish flood my heart again. I was worried I would look at the corner of the living room and remember that I was once curled up in that very same spot, while my mother towered over me, breaking me apart with her words and with her hands. But I didn't have that. When I lifted all of my pain to Jesus, he washed it all away and all the memories from the past felt like some distant dream.
Currently, I am still living with my parents. And you know why we serve a GOOD GOD? Because he is now using me to minister to my family and to be the one to reconcile us together. He is working through me to show HIS love through my actions and through my changed heart, to show my mother what the LOVE of the FATHER looks like. I thought I could never love my mother again. I thought I would forever be the product of the hurt and pain of the past. But the Lord has lifted me out of the ashes and out of the pit, and He wants my mother to be healed and He wants myself as well to be healed. And I thought that being where I am now would never work, but God has used what was broken, He has used what seemed impossible, and HE IS OPENING ALL POSSIBILITIES. Possibilities for healing, possibilities for salvation, possibilities for a united family in Christ. As soon as I gave this all to Him, I have seen miracle after miracle in myself and in this family.
So I encourage you, cry out to Him and place it all in His hands. You can't change people, but God can work behind the scene and do things that you can't even begin to imagine. God loves family. He loves togetherness. And if this of God, then He will make the way. If all goes well, then give glory and praise to God. If all doesn't go well, give glory and praise to God. Either way, know and understand that He knows what is best for you.
It is a process. Don't expect leaps and bounds. But for every victory, celebrate. I know it is different for your situation because it has been a very, very long time, but I pray God will give you the peace and tranquillity of spirit to approach he situation and to take the first step. God bless you.
- Arlene
