I need Wisdom. Plenty of it!

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M

miji

Guest
#1
#1
Dear all,

I'm female and I must confess I don't know how to communicate with the opposite sex. I'm trying real hard to get it but I keep making mistakes. I'm concerned because there's this Christian man who is interested in me and vice-versa. He has told me that he feels I am not being myself around him because I don't often share my opinion with him. Well I used to and we used to argue. So I stopped and I thought I would keep silent if I saw a flaw in him or something I did not like and then take it to God in prayer to either change him or change me. But it looks like this approach has now back fired in my face as this man now thinks that a.) I am not being myself.

Please what do I do now?

Help!
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#2
#2
Just talk with him as you would anyone else. Be kind, be honest, be polite, be respectful. If you see something you don't like, do you really need to say anything? Is there really a need to be critical? Can you just ask him about it in a non-accusatory/non-judgmental way?

It really is important to be yourself if you are interested in having a relationship with him because you can't keep up a front forever and shouldn't want to. Seems like you'd want him to like you for who you are, not who he thinks you are.

So, why not be perfectly honest with him about it all right now? Just tell him that you have had a little trouble expressing yourself because you like him, and that you will try to be more forthcoming from this point forward.
 
M

miji

Guest
#3
#3
Dear Juliana, Thanks for responding. He said he wants me to be open with him but he is not always very receptive when I share my thoughts or opinions with him. This was why I closed up. A lot of this happened last year ending but he said, what's in the past is in the past and that life goes on and that I should forget the past and stop bringing it up. I think he wants things to get better between us i.e. communication wise. What do you think?

Also I want to speak to him to say I will be more open with him but we also need to know how we resolve our differences when we both open up to each. I think that merely requesting that we be open with each other is not enough. I think we need to decide now how we will resolve the little or big difference or even arguments that may result from being open and frank with each other. The reason I say this is because just a few days ago, when I tried expressing my thoughts/feelings, he got upset and decided we end that whole conversation. I know I can't tell him to stop getting upset since his feelings are his feelings but I think he should manage it better. Also I don't think it's right the way he just ends conversations when he is upset. So this is why I want to tell him that we need to also decide how we will resolve conflicts. What do you think Julianna? Also do you think that this seems like a guy who wants to work things out?

Sorry for the epistle.
Please advise me.
Thanks and hugs.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#4
#4
I don't know what your differences are, but if you don't find a way to communicate, how will you ever work anything out?

But, let me ask you..Are the issues significant things? Are they petty things? Are they things you've gone over and over in the past? Are there things that are unforgiven? If so, can you forgive and move on? Does he feel you are nagging him? Do you feel that he only wants to listen as long as you agree with him?



 
M

miji

Guest
#5
#5
yes some of them are petty things. Some of them we have talked about in the past. But sometimes too he tells me things and I forget. He has told me to stop bringing things up from the past. And I did it again the other day as I had forgotten.

I also don't think he only wants to listen when I agree with him. I think he wants me to be plain, open, honest and frank with him. But on his part, he doesn't quite handle what I tell him well because he sometimes gets upset.

Please God help me. I don't understand. I need to get it.

I know we both want to communicate with each other. But we are not getting it right.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#6
#6
Cease fires can play a very important part in a relationship. If a couple has gone over and over a thing, sometimes it's a good idea to lay it down, take time to think it through and figure out whether the thing or the person is more important to you. It all depends upon what the "thing" is.

If the "thing" is that he is not a believer, that he is abusive in some way, cheats on you, does deceitful things, etc., that's one thing. But, if it's about him forgetting a birthday, not calling when he says he will, etc., a wise person learns to pick his/her battles.

Here's the thing about men...when they hear nagging/whining over a long period of time, particularly if it's the same thing over and over, their ears have these little hinges on the back that cause them to slam shut. But if you approach a thing from a respectful position and say that you aren't trying to be a nag, you just want to understand because you don't want unresolved issues hanging out there, and that you want some time to think about it, he might be a big more receptive. Again, it depends upon what the "thing" is that's dividing you.

Frankly, if the two of you have been fussing at one another about the same thing for an extended period of time, he's surely interested in continuing the relationship. Most guys would just walk away under those circumstances.

I guess the bottom line is whether the "thing" is major or minor, and whether, whatever the problem, is more important to you than he is.

And..sometimes it's not so much WHAT we say as HOW we say it. When you talk about things, are you fussing? yelling? Honestly, guys don't respect that very much.

And remember...a man will listen more intently to a woman's whisper than a shriek ;)
 
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J

Jewliah

Guest
#7
#7
If you can't be yourself then it won't be a good relationship. You can try, but sometimes it's better to just move on.
 
M

miji

Guest
#8
#8
Dear Julianna,

Thanks for the advice. The thing is he is a Christian and the issues we were having are in my eyes minor things. But he used to or should I say WE used to end up arguing any time I voiced my opinion back then. (It takes two to tango so I'm sure I had a part to play in it as well). I guess we both did not know how to tactfully resolve things so we ended up arguing and then he would say I guess I'll talk to you later then and then we would get off the phone. So I decided to overlook so many things for peace sake. Like you stated in your email above, I tried to choose my battles wisely.

But the thing is, he is now saying that I don't state my opinion or point out when I think he is wrong any more. And yes he is right. This is because I wanted to adopt a different approach of praying about the things that irked me about him instead of bringing them up or pointing them out to him. And may be really and truly this is not the best approach. May be I should be more upfront with him but there again how can I be up front with him if we end up arguing whenever I bring up an issue or if it results in tension?

It's like when I'm upfront, we argue. When I keep silent he says I am not keeping things real. When I explain it's because we used to argue,he says let's leave the past in the past and move on. But then he goes and does the same thing all over again. Sigh! Why do men have to be so complicated.

Anyway, I have decided to call him and say that I will try and leave the past in the past. But I will also state that I think it will be a good idea if we can decide on how best to deal with the unavoidable conflicts that will arise from time to time. And I would suggest that once we decide and agree on a way forward then we should also try and stick to however we decide now to handle conflicts. What do you think? Is this a good idea?

Plus sometimes, when the conversation is not going so good he says let's not continue this conversation. Please how do I deal with this or how do I respond if I feel this is a genuine issue that needs to be talked about and resolved?

Thanks for your patience with my many questions
God bless.
Miji
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#9
#9
It sounds as if he may be the sort of person who may become a bit defensive if you don't agree with him on a thing, so maybe there's a better way to do it. Some people are like that, usually people who are slightly insecure. Rather than just saying you disagree and making him feel threatened in some way, you could tactfully ask him a quesion that will give him something to think about from a different perspective than his own. You can make the same point, but in a less aggressive way.


If the disagreement is not about something really imporant, there's not really a reason to return to it if he doesn't want to talk about it. I know that some people don't like the "agree to disagree" thing, but you really can be with someone who holds slightly different viewponts on matters that are not life altering or against your most basic values or matters of faith. :)


If it IS about something important to the relationship or to one of you in particular, then you could just smile and say, "Okay, but you know at some point we'll need to work this out."

I do have to agree with the other poster about one thing though. If you find this happening a LOT, you may want to reconsider the relationship or move on because something usually isn't right in such event.

I hope this helps :) God bless
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#10
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#10
miji said:
Dear all,

I'm female and I must confess I don't know how to communicate with the opposite sex. I'm trying real hard to get it but I keep making mistakes. I'm concerned because there's this Christian man who is interested in me and vice-versa. He has told me that he feels I am not being myself around him because I don't often share my opinion with him. Well I used to and we used to argue. So I stopped and I thought I would keep silent if I saw a flaw in him or something I did not like and then take it to God in prayer to either change him or change me. But it looks like this approach has now back fired in my face as this man now thinks that a.) I am not being myself.

Please what do I do now?

Help!
Click to expand...
He sounds like a person who appreciates honesty so tell him what you said here :)

Do be careful about picking a person apart...unless he asks for you opinion about a habit or personality issue he has; and then be diplomatic about it.

You can also use honesty in a good way. Voice your appreciation for his good qualities. Nothing makes a person feel valued as much as someone taking the time to say something nice about them :)
 
M

miji

Guest
#11
#11
Thanks Julianna and Lucy 68.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#12
#12
Yeah, if you keep bringing up the past, you will continue having problems. That is a common problem between genders, is women tend to bring things up from the past. Whereas men tend to think that once a subject is dealt with, they want it dropped, left behind and to move on.

Also, from what i can tell it sounds as if there is a lot of nitpicking over his behavior. To continually point out peoples flaws and putting expectations on them to change only brings a person down and frustrates them. You want him to accept you for who you are, but you also have to do the same for him. And if there Are so many things wrong with him, then i'd say its obvious he's not the right guy to be with to begin with.

Normally i would say a person who runs from dealing with things is a red flag, but if i'm right in my understanding and there is a lot of criticism against him, no wonder he doesn't want to keep talking.
 
C

Crimeny

Guest
#13
#13
i think a recollection of 1 corinthians 13 might help you; just make an effort to be more self sacrificing, which is hypocritical coming from me since i am still working on this but you know im sure something good might happen haha
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#14
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#14
Ugly said:
Yeah, if you keep bringing up the past, you will continue having problems. That is a common problem between genders, is women tend to bring things up from the past. Whereas men tend to think that once a subject is dealt with, they want it dropped, left behind and to move on.

This is so true. My husband and I have this problem sometimes.

He accuses me of 'keeping score' but how am I supposed to just erase things? Women like to resolve things....not just pretend they never happened.

Yes, at some point the past needs to be let go but if there's a hurt involved, it will just fester.

Men and women are definitely wired differently ;)

I am wondering something about your boyfriend miji ...does he just not like you to disagree with him? Some men feel like women should be very submissive and not contradict them about anything.
Click to expand...
 
M

miji

Guest
#15
#15
To answer your question, yes that is the feeling I got i.e. that he wants me to be submissive and I don't have a problem with that at all. I am naturally a submissive person. All I really wanted was to love and accept him the way he is first and then let God do a work in His heart. Only God can change an individual. I really just wanted to be at peace with him

We used to argue a lot in the past when I didn't see eye to eye with him. Basically I would state my opinion in the most gentlest of ways possible but it would still make him get upset. I would then ask him how he wanted me to communicate my thoughts or opinions with him in such a way that it wasn't offensive to him but he would then say he didn't want to talk about it. So I started to hold my peace and take things to God in prayer instead. Later on, he mentioned that he noticed that I wasn't being open with him about issues any more and I explained that it was because he usually wasn't receptive to my opinions etc

He then apologised for those times and said he knows that his attitude was part of the problem. I then apologised too and promised to begin to open up to him. I thought wow God finally we are making some progress.

Then I spoke to him about how best we could both try to manage conflicts or issues going forward when we don't see eye to eye as this is bound to happen sometimes. But he didn't want to talk about this either. He said I was being negative to even think along those lines. We did eventually talk about it that night only for him to call me the following morning to say he wasn't thinking of a relationship with me.

What in the world did I do wrong?

Also, if he said, I was considering "us" but I don't see it happening any more or that I lost my feelings for you that's different but for him to say he was just being friendly all those times and didn't have feelings for me or wasn't interested? I feel I was led on here. But maybe I'm wrong and you see things differently?

Also just to clarify things. I don't know if I gave the impression that this guy was my boyfriend. No he wasn't. He showed and expressed an interest and even told me at some point that he liked me. We were spending a lot of time of the phone together, he in turn was doing things for me, helping me out with things, advising me on issues etc. This was the stage we were at.

Admittedly, he once told me last year that he wasn't thinking about "us" and I said okay. But then the calls started again, increased in frequency and length, he would tell me things about himself and also tell me that the things he shared with me are things that he never even shared with his own mother and he doesn't even understand why he is sharing it with me. He would call me up and ask me what I am doing and if I want to go hang out somewhere etc.

Anyway, maybe I misread his intentions. But seriously guys is it possible for a guy to call a girl at odd hours of the day, spend up to two hours on the phone with her, she tries to get off the phone, and the guy tells her "no not yet" and then turns round to say he didn't have an interest, he was just being nice?

Also I mentioned once to him that there was another guy who told me he wanted to marry me blah blah blah and he was quick to tell me not to even consider it as he feels the other guy is only saying that because of what the other man can get from me. Now in my opinion if he wasn't interested, I would think he would say, you need to pray about this and see what the Lord has to say. But no he immediately told me to forget this other guy.

I really don't get it. Anyway, I know my joy will come in the morning. Sorry if it seems that I am going on and on about this but I just wanted to respond to the question I received in the last post.
 
F

FireWire

Guest
#16
#16
Lucy68 said:
Ugly said:
Yeah, if you keep bringing up the past, you will continue having problems. That is a common problem between genders, is women tend to bring things up from the past. Whereas men tend to think that once a subject is dealt with, they want it dropped, left behind and to move on.

This is so true. My husband and I have this problem sometimes.

He accuses me of 'keeping score' but how am I supposed to just erase things? Women like to resolve things....not just pretend they never happened.

Yes, at some point the past needs to be let go but if there's a hurt involved, it will just fester.

Men and women are definitely wired differently ;)

I am wondering something about your boyfriend miji ...does he just not like you to disagree with him? Some men feel like women should be very submissive and not contradict them about anything.
Click to expand...
This is just psychology.

Love keeps no record of wrongdoings.
Forgive those who tresspass against us.

Men and women aren't wired differently in some ways.
Click to expand...
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#18
#18
FireWire said:
Lucy68 said:
This is just psychology.

Love keeps no record of wrongdoings.
Forgive those who tresspass against us.

Men and women aren't wired differently in some ways.
Click to expand...
And used in moderation psychology is good. So whats your point?

Lucy ... women still have a greater tendency to bring up old subjects, even if they are resolved. Also, men and women may define 'resolved' differently. Some guys can be friends, get into an argument, beat the crap out of each other, and the next day... its all resolved. In their minds they resolved it and don't need to let it be between them anymore or keep bringing it up. Women are more likely to want to talk talk talk it out. So while the guy has moved on and is over it, she's still upset and dwelling on it and needing more to resolve it. She needs to know, verbally, that things are ok, that an understanding has been made. So he's past it, moved on, and she keeps bringing it up... you can see how the confusion could foster quickly and understand why he would anger so quickly.
To help resolve this two things need to be done. Each of you have to give up a little of whats 'normal' for you.
First, you need to sit and explain to him (ahead of time, not during a problem) that as a woman its normal and needed for you to talk about things to resolve them. That you need to hear the resolution and know that the situation is resolved. His sacrifice here will be learning to talk things through for your sake.
Second you need to know that you can't spend forever going over every detail, or keep bringing it up once you do resolve it. Decide ahead of time you're going to keep it shorter and not drag it out. Discuss the main problem, resolve it. Your sacrifice is to bypass all the minute details that will only serve to agonize him and create frustration on his end. And once you both agree something is resolved, don't bring it up again. Let the past be the past.
Click to expand...
 
F

FireWire

Guest
#19
#19
Psychology is an attempt to scientifically explain the sinful human nature. If you want to know how to resolve issues, read the bible and what it has to say about it.
 
J

jkalyna

Guest
#20
#20
:):D:p WHAT I THINK IT MIGHT NOT BE RIGHT BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY :) IT SHOULDN'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR BOTH OF YOU IF YOU ARE BOTH ON THE SAME WAVE, YOU KNOW THINKING THE SAME. LIKE MAYBE SOMEONE HAS MARRIAGE ON THEIR MIND AND THE OTHER PERSON JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS, THIS COULD CAUSE A BAD CONNECTION. BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL FIND WISDOM AND THE RIGHT ONE, GOD BLESS YOU.:):D:) I HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU.
 
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