J
Over the past few weeks I've been realizing its how insecure I am and how it's affecting my relationships. Growing up beauty (subsequently, worth) was define by my dads perversion and my mom's insecurity. My dad had a fetish. The reason I call it a fetish is because it went well beyond a normal mans attraction to breasts. To him there need not be a person attached. My mom, on the other hand, would tell me all the time, "you're dad didn't love me because he said I was too fat, but I was never any bigger than you." I grew up knowing my body was never the shape that I had learned was beautiful. Compound that with the fact that my father never once told me I was beautiful, even on my wedding day, and you get me. With my mother I knew that I was just like her and since she knew she wasn't worth anything then I must also not be worth anything. She did compliment me but it was too easy to disregard saying she was obligated as my mother to be nice.
Then there was my family on my moms side. Everything was compared. We were all close. When we got together the first thing anyone would talk about is who's butt or boobs it bigger or smaller. I have about 10 female cousins and we all hit puberty in about the same 2 yrs. so just imagine the comments that were made. "I wish I had that rack when I was 12." "Dang, she could be a swimsuit model?"-at 11. Etc..
Furthermore my first boyfriend didn't really help much. He was very physically focused. He was downright paranoid about me being anything less than what he considered perfect. I remember once asking if he minded if I didn't wear makeup and his response was "well, I know you'll be hot again." He was always ogling girls when I was in his passenger seat. He passively tried to get me to lose weight by humiliating me. We broke up, thank God.
My next boyfriend, my ex-husband was the polar opposite. He didn't care about my physically body almost at all. And I knew he would never cheat on me. If course I realized later that he wouldn't cheat because his own insecurities prevented him from ever stepping out.
So here I am now... A really great comparer. An even better self-degrader. And it's ruining my life and my relationships.
Then there was my family on my moms side. Everything was compared. We were all close. When we got together the first thing anyone would talk about is who's butt or boobs it bigger or smaller. I have about 10 female cousins and we all hit puberty in about the same 2 yrs. so just imagine the comments that were made. "I wish I had that rack when I was 12." "Dang, she could be a swimsuit model?"-at 11. Etc..
Furthermore my first boyfriend didn't really help much. He was very physically focused. He was downright paranoid about me being anything less than what he considered perfect. I remember once asking if he minded if I didn't wear makeup and his response was "well, I know you'll be hot again." He was always ogling girls when I was in his passenger seat. He passively tried to get me to lose weight by humiliating me. We broke up, thank God.
My next boyfriend, my ex-husband was the polar opposite. He didn't care about my physically body almost at all. And I knew he would never cheat on me. If course I realized later that he wouldn't cheat because his own insecurities prevented him from ever stepping out.
So here I am now... A really great comparer. An even better self-degrader. And it's ruining my life and my relationships.
