J
So, I'm not even planning on dating anytime soon. I've got at least a year to wait before that even enters the picture. But I want to be prepared, so I need to consider many things along the road this next year or so. I was having a conversation with my pastor the other day and he freaked me out just a bit. I am 28 and I really don't know how to date. I never really did. I fell fast and hard into the relationships I was in. He was a little shocked because he assumed that I had dated during highschool. No one even asked me out. I had ugly duckling syndrome, and I carry remnants of it now though not as deeply. I "dated" my frist bf a few months after I started college. We dated a year and a half before I finally realized I was worth more. By dating I mean he brought me flowers on Valentine's Day and shortly after that I was with him every waking moment. We didn't really go on dates. He was living in his car, an ex-addict, a new Christian, working temp jobs to get by, but told me I was beautiful and I fell hard and fast. When I finally broke up with him, he went back to gang-banging and soliciting prostitutes off craigslist.
Then there was my husband. We were very platonic friends for a while. Apparently he had liked me but I was clueless. After ending the first relationship I stayed out of any romantic relationship for months. At the end of that 6 months, I was lonely and spending my first holiday away from home ever... with his family. I put the moves on him and his obliged. The same thing happened. I was over at his house almost everyday. We did everything together. By year four he got kicked out of home and out of desperation was sleeping in my walk-in closet until I got the courage to tell him to stay in his car. We never went out on dates. I didn't get cards or flowers. He wouldn't do anything for me. But mind you, I thought this was normal.
So my pastor was schooling me on the art of dating which scares me to death. I hope I still have it, but I don't want to be proving that I do. I don't want to date 100 guys. I have a friend who I feel would give any guy a chance, and I get on her about it all the time. I have told her time and time again, "You don't date guys who follow you down the street, and you don't date men who don't love Jesus." She doesn't listen. But I can't imagine dating someone I just met. I can't imagine dating someone who doesn't love God with all of their heart. I can't imagine dating someone who isn't in ministry. Through my last relationship I realized one thing I also want. My husband and I struggled a lot before we were married, and it was all up to me to end anything that was going too far. The problem was, I was just as fallible. Thus it didn't always end when it should have. When we finally found freedom, it was me ALWAYS making the choice. It wasn't that he was going to throw himself on me... but if anything was going to end it was my job EVERY time to end it. I realized later that it was incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to make me the sole enforcer of boundaries that he was supposedly for. So, I realized one of my greatest desires is for a man that will actually make an effort at purity. Am I not valuable enough for it? I think I am. My pastor kind of told me that I wouldl ikely never find a man who would really do that. Is that true? Do I really have to continue to be the sole boundary enforcer in my relationships?
Then there was my husband. We were very platonic friends for a while. Apparently he had liked me but I was clueless. After ending the first relationship I stayed out of any romantic relationship for months. At the end of that 6 months, I was lonely and spending my first holiday away from home ever... with his family. I put the moves on him and his obliged. The same thing happened. I was over at his house almost everyday. We did everything together. By year four he got kicked out of home and out of desperation was sleeping in my walk-in closet until I got the courage to tell him to stay in his car. We never went out on dates. I didn't get cards or flowers. He wouldn't do anything for me. But mind you, I thought this was normal.
So my pastor was schooling me on the art of dating which scares me to death. I hope I still have it, but I don't want to be proving that I do. I don't want to date 100 guys. I have a friend who I feel would give any guy a chance, and I get on her about it all the time. I have told her time and time again, "You don't date guys who follow you down the street, and you don't date men who don't love Jesus." She doesn't listen. But I can't imagine dating someone I just met. I can't imagine dating someone who doesn't love God with all of their heart. I can't imagine dating someone who isn't in ministry. Through my last relationship I realized one thing I also want. My husband and I struggled a lot before we were married, and it was all up to me to end anything that was going too far. The problem was, I was just as fallible. Thus it didn't always end when it should have. When we finally found freedom, it was me ALWAYS making the choice. It wasn't that he was going to throw himself on me... but if anything was going to end it was my job EVERY time to end it. I realized later that it was incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to make me the sole enforcer of boundaries that he was supposedly for. So, I realized one of my greatest desires is for a man that will actually make an effort at purity. Am I not valuable enough for it? I think I am. My pastor kind of told me that I wouldl ikely never find a man who would really do that. Is that true? Do I really have to continue to be the sole boundary enforcer in my relationships?
We really can only Hope.
