I've lost sexual desire in my Marriage

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MamaE

Guest
#1
#1
I do not intend for this topic to be inappropriate but rather a serious matter that I seek for help from fellow married christians.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. Over the past few years, the sex aspect of our marriage has been lacking. I am quite certain this is all on me. My husband has always had a healthy drive and finds me very attractive. I am the one who has gotten worse with time. My husband is a very good man and we share a very special connection, and I do love him very much. But sometimes I wonder if I love him more as a best friend than as a lover... I knew he was "average looking" from the start, but we did have a sexual connection in the beginning. So I know it was there at one point! But it seems as though my attraction to him has and continues to fade with time and it terrified me. I do know that him gaining weight over the years is a reason for my loss of attraction to his body, but shouldn't we still be able to have a healthy sex life?
To be honest everything is working against me...We've struggled with infertility for years so sex quickly became very mundane. After I had our daughter, it only became worse when I suffered through depression. I have now been on medication that is proven to lower libido (I can't get a break!).
While we are quite happy and share wonderful moments as a family...I know in order to keep our marriage as strong as it needs to be...something has got to change in regards to our intimacy. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we'll get by, just so long as he is happy sexually...but I realize that I need it too. I have started having vivid inappropriate dreams that make me feel awful in the morning because I know that I can't just live my life pretending I don't need a good sex life.
So why can't I make one with my husband?! It drives me crazy that I just cannot get myself in the mood. I've even had all of my hormone levels checked and the doctor says I'm healthy.
To be honest...my deepest fears are just that my love for him is fading and my marriage will end in divorce like my parents. Even though everything else in our marriage is great now...will the lack of passion ruin it in the future?

Thank you so much for you help in advance!
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
113
#2
You might want to post this in the secret Ladies Forum. I forget if you have to ask an admin, or just wait till your gender is verified, and it appears on the forum page?
 
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djness

Guest
#3
#3
Did you talk to him about it?
 
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MamaE

Guest
#4
#4
Sorry I do not see a ladies forum...plus I would like to get opinions from men and women.

@djness - yes we also have very good communication. I express my concerns to him all the time and he's very good about it...but he feels just as helpless as I do.
 
3

38miles

Guest
#5
#5
MamaE said:
Sorry I do not see a ladies forum...plus I would like to get opinions from men and women.

@djness - yes we also have very good communication. I express my concerns to him all the time and he's very good about it...but he feels just as helpless as I do.
Click to expand...
If I may...have you seen a biblical counselor before? If you haven't, this is the best next step. A good counselor can help you get outside of yourself so that real issues can be brought up, prayed through, etc. Know that God doesn't want you to be lacking, nor your marriage, and already in your post I hear a lie embedded in self-fulfilling prophecy. A previous divorce from parents, if in your mind, sounds like a spirit of divorce looking to break your legacy. Do not sit, but act. If we don't fight back, we pawn ourselves and accept a lesser model than what God intends. And I speak all this from some current experience here. If I/we would have acted sooner....but God is bigger than the sum of our inaction and failure.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Angela53510 said:
You might want to post this in the secret Ladies Forum. I forget if you have to ask an admin, or just wait till your gender is verified, and it appears on the forum page?
Click to expand...
There is a week long waiting period to enter the ladies forum. She is a brand new user.
 
L

LuxAeterna

Guest
#7
#7
Hey Mama,don't despair. I have been married for 36 years and, believe me, sex in marriage comes and goes. Everyone goes through good times and not so good times. Stick with it and explore the issue with him. We are a bit of a sex-obsessed society and I guess we tend to expect sex to be always great and always really fulfilling. I would recommend that you spend a lot of time just being romantic, being close, without worrying if it is going to result in great sex. I would also recommend that the two of you, as a couple, talk to a counselor who deals in such issues. I would not be surprised if you could solve this problem, especially since you say you have good communication with your husband, and because you are very open and willing to talk.
 
W

wingman

Guest
#8
#8
Im a man and i have seen this before. Society fools us into thinking that men and women have different sex drives. Honestly that is a lie. Sex is wonderful and I thank God for it with my wife. On the other hand my wife went through a battle of depression. Prior i did not understand depression. My lack of understanding and support at first was not where it should have been. Therefore i had to learn about depression. Since i loved my wife beyond measure i told her we are going through depression and she wasn't alone despite knowing depression is lonely for the on experiencing it. Its not easy for either one. Medication for depression decreases you libido and you drive is just not there. This may also cause you to act or interact with people out of your norm. Especially since your hormones are off and your trying to discover yourself which you think you have lost.

You husband has to be open and learn about depression. You love your husband its obvious in your writing. You are lost because your ill right now with a mental condition. It is a test of love beyond the chemical imbalance caused by depression medication. Exercise is important to create positive enzymes. Right now your husband is not feeling a connection with you and is blaming himself by not understating. You have to tell him you love him and its not his doing it is the depression. He might not understand but you have to. Telling us men how much you love us goes a long way. He has to feel that he has a family and it is you and your daughter as to why he works to support you. Good men strive to support their family its what makes us men. You may have to tell him even when your not feeling it. You also have to stop judging him because trust me he may be judging you. A woman's body is not the same after having a child. So what he has a little more junk in belly. He is not a bachelor anymore you woman add a few extra pounds to us men. Its tummy love.

Seek counseling. Now more may come out of it than you asked for. You need to do it. It will make you both grow regardless. I know the two of you have argued more than normal so get some counseling. Spend more time together love each other up. Hold hands especially in church. It will take time but fight through it. Get more into the word. You need intimacy just as much as he does so don't deprive your female needs and his as a man. Your a mother your beautiful your a wife your beatiful believe it and live for it.

Glad you posted this even for us men read. Its good to have a balanced perspective.
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#9
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
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#9
Instead of relying on your general practitioner for guidance, you should go see an OB/GYN and talk to her about it. After having children, there are certain things that can happen to your body that adjust your sex drive. Many GPs don't really have a lot of experience with such things, so that's why an OB/GYN is a better bet medically speaking.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#10
#10
It's wonderful that you are able to talk with him about it. Great first step. Sounds like you have a good man there.

I agree with Aimee about the OB/GYN, particularly a female who may have a bit more insight. Counseling is also great.

I also agree with the gentleman who spoke about the ebb and flow within marriage. Spend alone time with one another doing fun things, relaxing things, silly things. ;) Reconnect with one another.

Praying for you, individually, and for your family.

One thing I would like to say, as someone who is also a child of divorce, I found it very important in my marriage (I am a widow) to decide early on that divorce would not be an option for me (outside of scriptural reasons). It's an important mindset to adopt. As long as we consider it to be an option in the back of our minds, we may not give as much to our marriages as we might otherwise. Just something to think about..

Welcome to CC and please let us know how things are going for you and your man.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#11
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#11
Medication can really affect your sex drive. You may want to think about ending the medication and finding other ways to get out of depression. Becoming involved/excited about a new endeavor can really help. Take a class, learn a new skill, get a job, volunteer, etc.

Also, you have a toddler. When my children were little (I have two), sex just wasn't high on my list of things to do :). I was tired! My husband came to me, in tears, and begged for sex :(. I didn't realize until then how important sex is in a marriage. Not the most important thing, but important.

Marriages do go through phases, simply because we all change as we age...physically and mentally. It isn't unusual for you to be going through this. I do think the medication might be biggest reason. Being healthy...eating right, being the right weight, exercising, getting enough sleep, libido...all of these are related.

Focus on the Family's website has some good resources for strengthening marriages.

Marriage & Relationships - Focus on the Family

Praying for you both...it sounds like he's a great guy and concerned about you. I'm sure that you two can work this problem out :).
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#12
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#12
If I buy a piece of land I need to clean it and remove all those weed I don´t like... The same applies for marriage! I lost my marriege for not removing those weeds and for not taking care. I am happy she wasn´t the person I thought she was, but i paid too little attentions on things I now know matter.

To be ONE FLESH with the one who chose me to live, it needs I be willing to cut the weeds too often, otherwise, I will think the grass is greener in the next backyard... What when I get older, fat and ugly?

Basically, men go to the next backyard when we see greener the neigbour´s house (covetousness). We don´t see the mirror in our house because we get bored or dislike cleaning or mirror (or mate´s body).

I think I know better what "ONE flesh" means.

I was concerned overconcerned for having children each time I approach my wife... I vasectomize!, so I´m free from those fears.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#13
May 29, 2013
9,091
1,755
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#13
A shoe company has some advice, "Just do it." Forget about moods. It sounds unromantic, but why not talk to your husband about the frequency he desires, then schedule the activity. If you need to be in a certain 'mood', let him get you in the mood. Don't wait for a mood to hit you. In the meantime, you can work on your emotional and medical issues. You might feel in the mood more often if you had a regular sex life.
 
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