just about giving up

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3

3js

Guest
#1
#1
I've been married 6 yrs and have 3 kids. Since the very beginning, my husband has been having emotional affairs with other women. There was one time I know of(about 4 years ago)that the affair became physical as well. During that time, when I found out, he was repentant and promised to change. It's been four years now and the change didn't last. I've tried getting us to talk to pastors (we don't really have professional counsellors where I come from) but I've given up on that as it doesn't change any issue. I've tried talking to several times about how these relationships with other women are destroying our marriage, that too hasn't worked and I've given up on that too. I've reached the point I don't know what I have to hold on to in my marriage. We don't share a room (he sleeps in the kids room) and we don't talk except to discuss the kids or the household. I get so lonely sometimes I think I'll get depressed. The only reason I stay most days is he's quiet a good father and the boys adore him. My youngest is only a few months old and I wonder how long I'll have to endure for my kids sake. Most days, I just feel like leaving it all behind and walking away with my kids. Please help me make sense of what is going on
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#2
#2
We can pray the Lord will walk with you as you seek your
answer.
Please know we all care and pray you will find your answer.
You will get a lot of advice. Only you can decide what is
best. However, listening to God is most important of all.

Bless you~
 
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S

Seraphic

Guest
#3
#3
I'd be seriously considering moving out and separating from him..
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#4
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
113
#4
He has transgressed God's Word by committing adultery. I think he is immature, and shows no intention of honoring his marriage vows.

You need to figure out a way to leave. If he is a good father, then give him access to your children. But he has destroyed the marriage bond, and obviously if you have no counseling available, then he is not going to change.

I am so sorry you are stuck in this bad marriage. The Bible does allow divorce in cases of adultery, so please consider leaving him, if financially possible. Praying for you.
 
W

WomanofFaith4ever

Guest
#5
#5
Hi! I have been separated from my husband for about four years now. Next month, I need to extend my order of protection against him if that is what God wants me to do. I love my husband in spite of all that he has done. We have been married for 20 years.I have two beautiful daughters who are young adult women. He is actively involved with many women even though we are married. Mutual friends know that he is still married to me and so far, he has gone through three more that I know of. He tells his brand new friends that I was served with divorce papers by the police and that I refuse to sign them. That is a lie and he told that to our daughters. He has only filed the first set of papers to file a complaint...and that is it. The papers he filed were riddled with unknowns and inaccurate dates. Not going to happen. Numerous people have told me that he does not have the guts to move forward. But he gets involved with women and dumps one after the other. He is now in a relationship with a younger woman who may or may not know that he is still married. He boasts that this is the "one" immediately after the older relationship found out after the fact. It looks like "LUST" to me. But praise God anyway. He posts everything on facebook! His status is he is "single" and interested in women! Yep! He is still married to me. I am praying for restoration. Most women cannot last as long as I have. I believe that adultery is not the unforgivable sin. God says to forgive 70x7 times. I do not have resentfulness in my heart and my heart is not hardened. But I do believe that God....and only God can change my husbands heart. He changed Saul of Tarsus and Jonah's hearts. God truly got their attention. I also know that God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. So in all of this...I have chosen to stand for my marriage. I have put God first in my life and as my husband until God decides the time will be right for my earthly husband to return. I see my husband as repentant and humble and broken man before God. That is my vision. That is also a promise. And I choose to wait, pray and fast. The fervent prayers of a righteous wife avails much!!!
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#6
May 29, 2013
9,091
1,754
113
#6
3js,
I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your husband. How do you know about the emotional affairs (and the physical one)? Is it from evidence left on cell phones? Is it the case that he considers his relationships to be innocent friendships and you consider them to be affairs? If they are emotional affairs, how can you know that they are emotional affairs? Does he take the women out on dates or show undue physical affection? Are there love notes or text messages?

If you do want to reconcile with your husband and work it out, that is a commendable thing. God has healed marriages like this in the past. Is your husband a Christian? Is he serious about his faith, aside from this issue? Do you both go to church? If you find a pastor to counsel you, find one who will really sit down with him and teach him what the Bible teaches about marriage. It is good to have a pastor who will pray for you about the situation. But a pastor's counseling should also tell him how to live and be faithful to you.

If he repents and you decide to reconcile the marriage, you will have to be a wife to him in every aspect. That will likely mean sleeping in the same room. Even if you are not getting along, that is no justification for adultery or other sin. But if he craves having a woman love him, if you do not have that kind of relationship, it can make it that much more difficult. Is it his choice to sleep in the children's room?
 
3

3js

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you all so much for your insight. J-kay-2 your words sustained me through the night. I must confess, I've considered several times leaving him, financially, I'm capable of being on my own and even caring for the kids, but I always hold back, hoping that things would get better. Woman of faith forever, I love your faith that makes you hold on in the face of all that you face. I'm praying for faith like yours and the ability to hold on. President, those are very important questions you asked there. It's amazing how I discover these affairs. There have been emails, whatsapp and texts. Those are the ones he forget to delete. His phone is password protected.
my husband and I are both Christians, but recently, he's stopped attending church. I feel spiritually, he's not as strong as he's been. In times when he's spiritually strong, he's a man after God's heart. But lately, I feel he doesn't even want to have a closer walk with God. I try to get him to let us have devotions together (which we used to do) but he declined.
I have tried to be a good wife to him. I am not perfect and have my own failings but I try to put our marriage together. I didn't put him out of our room and I have tried to ask him to come back. I feel I have tried all what is humanly possible and I'm praying for God to change him, but there are times when I feel very lonely and depressed and want to give up
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#8
#8
3js said:
Thank you all so much for your insight. J-kay-2 your words sustained me through the night. I must confess, I've considered several times leaving him, financially, I'm capable of being on my own and even caring for the kids, but I always hold back, hoping that things would get better. Woman of faith forever, I love your faith that makes you hold on in the face of all that you face. I'm praying for faith like yours and the ability to hold on. President, those are very important questions you asked there. It's amazing how I discover these affairs. There have been emails, whatsapp and texts. Those are the ones he forget to delete. His phone is password protected.
my husband and I are both Christians, but recently, he's stopped attending church. I feel spiritually, he's not as strong as he's been. In times when he's spiritually strong, he's a man after God's heart. But lately, I feel he doesn't even want to have a closer walk with God. I try to get him to let us have devotions together (which we used to do) but he declined.
I have tried to be a good wife to him. I am not perfect and have my own failings but I try to put our marriage together. I didn't put him out of our room and I have tried to ask him to come back. I feel I have tried all what is humanly possible and I'm praying for God to change him, but there are times when I feel very lonely and depressed and want to give up
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This is something you have to really be certain about. WE know
emotional affairs are the same as being involved with another, even
if they do not meet in person. That is why it is so important we do
not get involved with men even on Christian sites, because like your
situation, a man could find you easy prey, and let you cry on his
shoulder, and then it becomes an emotional affair.
You sound very wise and I see you are able to financially able to care
for yourself and children if it comes down to having to make a decision
in letting him go. You still love him. I can't give you answer as to what
to do. I will say one thing came to mind, and that is ..... You can't change
him, he must want to do that.
I feel so sorry for you. Women don't care about a man being married
anymore. It tears families up and I pray the Lord will please let you have
an answer so you aren't tormented with this burden.
We can pray strong conviction will come upon him since he is Christian.
Let go and let God ? Please know we will be praying and are here to
listen when you need help. God bless you ~ J~K~2
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#9
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#9
3js said:
I've been married 6 yrs and have 3 kids. Since the very beginning, my husband has been having emotional affairs with other women. There was one time I know of(about 4 years ago)that the affair became physical as well. During that time, when I found out, he was repentant and promised to change. It's been four years now and the change didn't last. I've tried getting us to talk to pastors (we don't really have professional counsellors where I come from) but I've given up on that as it doesn't change any issue. I've tried talking to several times about how these relationships with other women are destroying our marriage, that too hasn't worked and I've given up on that too. I've reached the point I don't know what I have to hold on to in my marriage. We don't share a room (he sleeps in the kids room) and we don't talk except to discuss the kids or the household. I get so lonely sometimes I think I'll get depressed. The only reason I stay most days is he's quiet a good father and the boys adore him. My youngest is only a few months old and I wonder how long I'll have to endure for my kids sake. Most days, I just feel like leaving it all behind and walking away with my kids. Please help me make sense of what is going on
Click to expand...
God leaves him free to choose, and so should you. God does many things, but when a person chooses to not be in contact with God, you really can't ask God to override that person's decision.

However, God does want anything for you that isn't of God's goodness. He does not want you depressed, and God gives you many ways to be content and happy. That happiness does not depend on a relationship with a man, it can transcend that.

I like to think of the book of Daniel. It was about the people who had to live with being exiled from their own land to Babylon when they did not want this at all. They were instructed to make the best of it, and told they would be given ways that they could do that. Daniel made the best of it and even became one of the head men of the country.
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#10
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#10
It's time for some tough love. Why should you leave when he's the one who is sinning in the marriage? He stays with you because of the convenience. He probably still loves you but he wants to have everything his way. God made marriage a holy covenant between one man and one woman. Adultery is of course breaking that covenant. And you shouldn't let him get away with it. Husbands and wives have a responsibility to each other to hold each other accountable. That means not allowing the other to break the covenant.

It doesn't mean that you should seek divorce immediately...it means that you won't tolerate certain behavior.

Insist that if he's going to carry on with other women, emotionally or physically, then he needs to find another place to live. Otherwise you'll just become his servant...washing his clothes, cooking for him, etc. That isn't a marriage and it isn't something you have to settle for. He can still have quality time with his children but if your children observe his behavior and your tolerance of it, what is that going to teach them about marriage and relationships?

Many cheating husbands when given the choice of their wife, or their girlfriend, will choose the wife. And their respect for their wife may go up immensely when she doesn't allow herself to be treated a certain way.

If you don't insist on the rights of a wife as outlined in Scripture, you will become simply a servant and slave, and that isn't a marriage and you and your children will suffer.

Praying for you both...may the Holy Spirit open his eyes before it is too late. Stay close to the Lord, He will guide and comfort you!
 
IDEAtor

IDEAtor

Senior Member
#11
Aug 15, 2012
827
19
18
#11
3js,

First, sorry for the stress you feel. Second, sorry for your husband's unfaithfulness. Third, keep praying and trusting God.

I pray that God convicts your husband for his sinful choices and that your husband, in turn, reexamines his motives and actions. Counseling, small group fellowship, and communication at home are needed here. I don't know any particulars, but God does and He has not given up on you, your kids, the pastor, or even your disappointing husband. May God bless and keep you.

Also, your children are absorbing your way of responding or not responding to your husband's ways. Do not curse him, but neither try to explain away his sin-- if they are seeing it. I pray God gives you proper wisdom for better handling the kids.

I have never gone through your kind of battle. Be brave. :)
 
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3js

Guest
#12
#12
Thank you all again for your counsel. I'll keep praying(though I must confess sometimes it's very difficult to pray) and waiting on God. I've invited him to come to church 2x and he's rejected both invitations with no excuses. I've also tried to tell him in a non-confrontational way about the example he's setting for the boys sleeping in their way and his answer was "the boys are fine". Hmm... I've called and scheduled an appointment with the pastor one more time, and I don't even know how I'm going to get him to go.
You know, J-kay-2, you're write. There has been times when I've been very tempted to seek the attention of other men....but thank God His spirit always draws me back.
I appreciate you all praying with me and I hope I'll have good news to report someday
 
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