Marriage i think might be over

[mimi67]

hello, i am a christian for a few months now been saved and baptized and loving the lord trying to learn all about him.Right now my life with my husband is a shipwreck and sinking fast i dont know what to do maybe i can get some help here?? I have been with my husband 14 years i found out last year he had been cheated on me with a prostitute also cheating on me with women on the internet porn facebook you name it,he also had gambled thousand of dollars away then was planning on dumping me at my mothers saying we were not really together anyways he was just paying my bills.He has now been saved and asked the lord to forgive him says he loves me and wants to work things out .I have no trust in him at all i believe all he says is a lie i try to believe him but cant.My church says all sins are washed away but how do i know he wont repeat this on me.Well it might not even matter anymore as last night we got into a argument because of all this mess he created and he left and hasnt came back yet .Its like he takes the blame for ruining our marriage but dont know why i am upset and sad always .This has been the longest year of my life trying to deal with all this i am at my wits end and dont know what to do anymore.

 

[trying2bgood]

You can look back through the threads and see that I have had marriage issues myself, mine were my own doing; So remember my thread doesnt have all the answers, just htoughts.

Firstly, since he had an affair, you do have a Biblical option for a divorce, but because one has the option doesnt neccessarily means God wants them to take it. I would weigh everything very carefully, how does your heart feel for him? Can you see yourself leading your heart to care for him more with Gods help being able to show him the same grace and forgiveness that Jesus has shown the both of you.

Even though their is a sinful past in your marriage, the fact that you have both accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour, not only washes his sins and your sins from the wrath of God; but if you both pray for transformation in your marriage tomorrow God can wipe away any trangressions against each from your own hearts and allow the both of you to became one flesh again.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Mimi, we are together in sinking ship which we can't let go bcoz Christianity doesn't allow us to divorce and we are make to face the trials of our husband's carnal sons...l went through all you'd gone through Now l feel angry, frustrated and hollow...l no longer able to sleep with my husband and l m suffering in shame and silence for my children sake. Feeling trap and miserable, l came here for counselling and hope to seek lights in my problems and try to be strong to wait on God for an answer...Mimi l truly can understand your pain and misery, all we can now is to keep pouring those burden until we can feel ourself again. God Bless, LilyOfTheValley.

 

[hattiebod]

Mimi, we are together in sinking ship which we can't let go bcoz Christianity doesn't allow us to divorce and we are make to face the trials of our husband's carnal sons...l went through all you'd gone through Now l feel angry, frustrated and hollow...l no longer able to sleep with my husband and l m suffering in shame and silence for my children sake. Feeling trap and miserable, l came here for counselling and hope to seek lights in my problems and try to be strong to wait on God for an answer...Mimi l truly can understand your pain and misery, all we can now is to keep pouring those burden until we can feel ourself again. God Bless, LilyOfTheValley.

What a sad, defeated post...where is your hope in Christ? You may be in a very difficult and hurtful situation, but it is in such situations in life that we can truly know our salvation, our freedom. Our freedom in Christ is not from the trials and hurts in life but is to be found in the strength and wisdom we are given by the Holy Spirit to deal with them. We are not promised an easy life! Of course you can divorce, many Christians do. Many would not agree with your choice, but it is yours and there are scriptures that support it. As for getting Counselling here....not a good idea. Lots of opinions? Yes. Support? Yes. But Counselling for such a complex issue is best one on one, in person when you know the faith etc of the person. You say you are ' Angry, frustrated and hollow.' ...no. This is not what God wants. Stand up! Do not be defeated....armour of God! Lay your troubles at the foot of the cross and know nothing you have to face could ever compare to what has been done for you. You are loved, precious and equipped to cope stop dwelling on what's happened, look forward and believe that all can be repaired and restored. We have a supernatural God in us, what's our witness? Where is our hope? Not in our own abilities but in Him. God Bless you.

 

[BishopSEH]

hello, i am a christian for a few months now been saved and baptized and loving the lord trying to learn all about him.Right now my life with my husband is a shipwreck and sinking fast i dont know what to do maybe i can get some help here?? I have been with my husband 14 years i found out last year he had been cheated on me with a prostitute also cheating on me with women on the internet porn facebook you name it,he also had gambled thousand of dollars away then was planning on dumping me at my mothers saying we were not really together anyways he was just paying my bills.He has now been saved and asked the lord to forgive him says he loves me and wants to work things out .I have no trust in him at all i believe all he says is a lie i try to believe him but cant.My church says all sins are washed away but how do i know he wont repeat this on me.Well it might not even matter anymore as last night we got into a argument because of all this mess he created and he left and hasnt came back yet .Its like he takes the blame for ruining our marriage but dont know why i am upset and sad always .This has been the longest year of my life trying to deal with all this i am at my wits end and dont know what to do anymore.

Well mimi, I would say your in a bit of a pickle. Due to his infidelity you do indeed have the option for divorce. I believe this should be the last option only after everything else has been explored. You husband claims to have accepted Christ as Lord and Savior and if he has then God be praised. Now it is time to watch for the fruit to grow not to chop down the tree. Keep in mind as he struggles that He is new in the faith as is going to mess up, a lot.

There are many reasons why men stray, none of them are good, biblical or noble but there are a lot of them. Due to the sheer amount of straying he has done I would feel secure in saying he has a sexual addiction. You should ask him if any of the other men in his family have had problems remaining faithful especially men in his direct family line as he may be under a generational curse.

There is some good news though. This cycle and addiction can be broken. Many churches offer sexual addiction and recovery groups that have a heavy focus on accountability. That is the men of the group hold each other to account and help each other back up when they slip and fall. Here is the key though. He can't do it for you or the kids or any other reason then for himself. If he seeks help it has to be because he has hurt enough otherwise he will come to feel resentment.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where you are and what programs are available in your area so I personally can't guide you without a lot more input. But regardless talking to a Pastor with your husband is a good place to start. They often times have access to resources most of us don't. As a side note, you don't have to go to your pastor at your church. Any Christian Church should be able to help point you both in the right direction. Also, many of these groups have a woman's group to help deal with the hurt you have suffered. They are not or should not be husband bashing groups but rather a place to gain the tools to help cope and recover and to assist in his recovery as you are able.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[chuinchoy]

If you love your husband, you will be able to forgive what he has done in the past just as our lord had. Forgiveness is the best remedy for pain. i think you both need the help of a marriage counselor to restore back your marriage.

 

[cstewrun]

Well mimi, I would say your in a bit of a pickle. Due to his infidelity you do indeed have the option for divorce. I believe this should be the last option only after everything else has been explored. You husband claims to have accepted Christ as Lord and Savior and if he has then God be praised. Now it is time to watch for the fruit to grow not to chop down the tree. Keep in mind as he struggles that He is new in the faith as is going to mess up, a lot.

There are many reasons why men stray, none of them are good, biblical or noble but there are a lot of them. Due to the sheer amount of straying he has done I would feel secure in saying he has a sexual addiction. You should ask him if any of the other men in his family have had problems remaining faithful especially men in his direct family line as he may be under a generational curse.

There is some good news though. This cycle and addiction can be broken. Many churches offer sexual addiction and recovery groups that have a heavy focus on accountability. That is the men of the group hold each other to account and help each other back up when they slip and fall. Here is the key though. He can't do it for you or the kids or any other reason then for himself. If he seeks help it has to be because he has hurt enough otherwise he will come to feel resentment.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where you are and what programs are available in your area so I personally can't guide you without a lot more input. But regardless talking to a Pastor with your husband is a good place to start. They often times have access to resources most of us don't. As a side note, you don't have to go to your pastor at your church. Any Christian Church should be able to help point you both in the right direction. Also, many of these groups have a woman's group to help deal with the hurt you have suffered. They are not or should not be husband bashing groups but rather a place to gain the tools to help cope and recover and to assist in his recovery as you are able.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

Hi all,

I personally attest to the group mentioned in this post. I also applaud this post, in its thoroughness and willingness to address several areas of concern; so in short I'll add an Amen

To the OP (original poster),

Your struggle - like anything else in life - cannot be explored alone but in a community of believers. Like the groups mentioned in the post above, if your husband is serious about maintaining his promise and purity I would suggest as someone who talked of his own sexual addiction in a group setting that he might explore the same. Looking back I think it was my willingness to participate in the safety and security of a group of men that spoke louder than the words I was saying. As the cliche goes, actions (often) speak louder than words. How you approach this subject with him is something you may need to pray about but I strongly suggest this. More than likely, there's a (what do we call it these days) foothold? or better a God-given need that he is asking others to fill in his life. This group or this type of counseling will address this.

And just as in anything else, remember to take this a day (forward) at a time. Remember also that there is an enemy dead set against your marriage; the union of you, your husband and God. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecc. 4:12).

 

[Lucy68]

It takes a while to rebuild trust ...even with your husband accepting Christ. Healing the marriage will not happen over night. It will take a persistent commitment from both of you to keep working through the problems. Communication is key. Also, it's important not to hold onto resentment. That too, takes time to weed out but it is possible. Try not to bring up past offenses, unless you can do it in a loving manner with the intent of working out any conflict.

There are many self-help programs out there for rebuilding marriages if you don't want to go to a marriage counselor. Working through one together can keep the communication lines open. You will learn how to resolve conflict, how to avoid each others triggers, how to 'fight fair' (really how to disagree in a polite and respectful way). Focus on the Family offers marriage resources.

There is hope for your relationship...don't give up! Be willing to compromise and sacrifice for each other. It takes time so be patient with one another. Praying for you both...love, forgiveness, wisdom, and guidance. Seek the Lord together and He will make your way much easier .

 

[Domenic]

hello, i am a christian for a few months now been saved and baptized and loving the lord trying to learn all about him.Right now my life with my husband is a shipwreck and sinking fast i dont know what to do maybe i can get some help here?? I have been with my husband 14 years i found out last year he had been cheated on me with a prostitute also cheating on me with women on the internet porn facebook you name it,he also had gambled thousand of dollars away then was planning on dumping me at my mothers saying we were not really together anyways he was just paying my bills.He has now been saved and asked the lord to forgive him says he loves me and wants to work things out .I have no trust in him at all i believe all he says is a lie i try to believe him but cant.My church says all sins are washed away but how do i know he wont repeat this on me.Well it might not even matter anymore as last night we got into a argument because of all this mess he created and he left and hasnt came back yet .Its like he takes the blame for ruining our marriage but dont know why i am upset and sad always .This has been the longest year of my life trying to deal with all this i am at my wits end and dont know what to do anymore.

I am sorry to hear your marriage has gone upside down. Do you have children? If so, mend to their needs on this. This is what God says about divorce. Matthew: 19:9
As you can see, there are only two grounds for divorce. If you forgive him, you should never bring the matter up again. If you divorce him, God will not hold that against you.
If you do have children, well…you might want to stay married for them.
We all sin. None of us are clean. Jesus says he will take all sinners who believe in him, even your cheating husband.
This system we live in now, is just garbage. Whatever you do regarding your marriage, won’t make this side of Jesus return any better.
Try this…FORGIVENESS. It’s one on the things we will have to learn after Jesus returns. If you started it now, heck, you just might be a jump ahead of the rest of us.
Here is one thing you can count on. “This life is short. So what ever you have to bear won’t be for long.” Go to God. Tell him, “Look, I can’t deal with this, can you handle it for me?” He says he will. Give it a shot darling.

 

[Lucy68]

focus on the family has articles about marriage and conflict resolution. The segment on 'fighting fair' looks really good...think I'll study that myself. Here's the link: Fighting Fair - Focus on the Family