marriage problems

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VMSJ3

Guest
#1
#1
Hello,

I just opened an account here in hope of finding some advice or maybe just some where to vent. I have been married for a little over 3 years. I would like to share some of my story and maybe receive advice. We got married a couple of months after we met and got pregnant 6 months into our marriage. We always had some kind of disagreement and argued about the smallest things. I have always been the kind of person that hates arguing and would always keep quiet. He has always like s confronting the problem and not in the nicest ways. Shortly after my son was borned problems starting to get worse. Even though he has never hit me, he has gotten in front of my face which made me scared. When out son was 4 months we got kicked out of the apartment because we couldn't keep up with bills while I was on leave. I then felt disappointed at him because I blamed him for not being able to keep up with the household while I was on leave. I tried encouraging him to find another job until I went back to work but he didn't make an effort. I went to leave with my parents and 6 months later I got my own place. We then tried to fix things and allowed him back in. We went to therapy a couple of times but didn't not see major results. He started being aggressive again, saying mean things and getting to my face. At one point I threatened him with the cops to see if he would back off but he told me to do it, that they weren't going to be able to kick him out. I didn't do it because of our son. I felt like that would make him look bad and I didn't want that. He's not the best dad but he's not the worst. That same situation happened a couple of times just a little worse. With everything that has happened I didn't feel the same towards him. I still wanted to work out things for my son but it just felt like the more we tried the worse it got. I felt like he never understood me and that I was always wrong. He recently told me that he is done with this marriage and that he can't leave the apartment because he doesn't make enough money to be able to be on his own. So I asked him to pay at least half of the rent not because I need it but because I wanted to hear what he was going to tell mw. He got upset and said that if I wanted him to stay in his truck he would leave. Of course I told him to stay. I don't know what to do. I have not I included everything but because it would take forever. Please don't think that I want to talknow bad about him. All I want it advice. He's not a bad person it just seems like we can't get along.
 
F

faroukfarouk

Banned
#2
Feb 21, 2014
5,672
18
0
#2
Sorry about your difficulties.

If you make daily Bible reading and prayer the basis of your life, then your outlook will develop considerably.

By God's grace, if your husband does likewise, you may eventually find more reasons to want to be together than reasons not to be.

This may seem detached, but it's true.

Passages to help: John 14.1-6, John 14.27; Psalm 46; Romans chapter 8, and many others.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#3
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#3
Hmmm! If you were a man and he the woman, What would you do?

I was thinking to get married these days. I knew it would be wrong, so we agree to stay away (because I will not be willing to deal with 3 teenagers she had).

What would be the future of a woman having several kids and, as I have seen and lived, what chances do they have when getting more?

It seems FAIR he pays his half, the problem would be if you have to pay for all, including food, clothing, etc.

Sorry! You have to made your own decision as each has made theirs. Big problems big solution (though I added nothing to see it easy: It is not).

:(
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
Sounds like neither of you are workable. You are afraid to deal with problems, which means nothing gets resolved or fixed. You criticize a man about his inability to maintain things, then turn around and say you encouraged him? Criticizing a man in that area is a big no-no.
Going to marital counseling 'a few times' isn't going to solve anything. Counseling is intended to be a process that occurs over time, not a miracle that magically changes everything. So you barely got started and quit because you had wrong expectations.

But it sounds as though your husband is verbally abusive and is showing signs of potentially becoming physical. But he's right, you can't call the police for him being mean. Unless he hurts you, or possibly threatens you, there's nothing the police can do.
The reality is it sounds like this wasn't a good marriage from day one. But if he's become abusive then it's nearly impossible to fix. Abusers have a very, very, very low rate of change. And you aren't helping your children by letting them learn that it's ok to be an abuser, like him, or to be abused, like you. Which is essentially what you're doing. Teaching your children this is acceptable behavior on both your parts.
If he weren't abusive i'd say try harder, but when abuse comes into the picture rarely is the outcome good or salvageable.
 
V

VMSJ3

Guest
#5
#5
Hello,

I didn't not criticize him, all I was asking for was for him to find another job while I was on leave. And i understand that i was not going to see a miracle. We didn't not continue to go because we couldn't afford them. He's not a bad person, it just seems like WE just can't get along.
 
O

Osiyo

Guest
#6
#6
Dear sister, do you know Christ? You will be prayed for, but you also have need of the throne or Him that sits upon it. A couple that prays together, stays together. Be blessed, and don't shy away please.
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#7
#7
Your husband seems like a very angry person who needs counseling for himself. I don't think that he is safe for you or your child. He seems irresponsible. He doesn't want to be married to you, but expects you to support him. I think that if he wants to live with you then he has to make a commitment to keeping a job and getting some counseling. There needs to be some effort on his part. If he isn't willing to put the effort than he needs to go find another place to live, otherwise he will continue to be abusive toward you. God doesn't expect us to put up with abuse. Both of you have to sit down and work a plan.
 
I

iltcu

Guest
#8
#8
vmsj3, there is nothing worst than a marriage strained with frustration, enmity and quarrelings. I know because I have been in it for 15 years...I know where you at but I also know every situation is different and your might stand a chance because it is a newer relationship... praying for you , iltcu
 
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biscuit

Guest
#9
#9
VMSJ3 said:
Hello,

I didn't not criticize him, all I was asking for was for him to find another job while I was on leave. And i understand that i was not going to see a miracle. We didn't not continue to go because we couldn't afford them. He's not a bad person, it just seems like WE just can't get along.
Click to expand...
Marriage is a wonderful thing but it takes two to make it work. The both of you were not ready to get married and planning for the event was very poor. It is not wise to go into marriage without adequate savings or good paying jobs. Had your son too early and should have waited a year or two till financially capable. My advice to you is to give him his space and be more gracious in your approach to him instead of adding to the fire. When a marriage fails both are responsible. Just pray that he sees the light and will move forward doing the right thing. Men hate to be nagged especially when the women don't have any answers themselves.
 
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StoneThrower

Guest
#10
#10
biscuit said:
Marriage is a wonderful thing but it takes two to make it work. The both of you were not ready to get married and planning for the event was very poor. It is not wise to go into marriage without adequate savings or good paying jobs. Had your son too early and should have waited a year or two till financially capable. My advice to you is to give him his space and be more gracious in your approach to him instead of adding to the fire. When a marriage fails both are responsible. Just pray that he sees the light and will move forward doing the right thing. Men hate to be nagged especially when the women don't have any answers themselves.
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Hi VMSJ3,
The first questionis, are either one of born again? Biblical Counseling isactually better than Psychological but if either person isn’t a believer it doesn’twork and then your greatest problem is salvation.
The Psychologist will tell you that a mans greatest need is respect and that a woman’sis security, physical, financial, and emotional and not necessarily in thatorder.
If you want to talk offline I would be happy to but if one or both of you aren’tbelievers than I have nothing to offer as an unbeliever will not submit to theauthority of Gods word, and you will both need the assistance of the HolySpirit to work this out.
I will pray for you both.
 
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StoneThrower

Guest
#11
#11
VMSJ3 said:
Hello,

I didn't not criticize him, all I was asking for was for him to find another job while I was on leave. And i understand that i was not going to see a miracle. We didn't not continue to go because we couldn't afford them. He's not a bad person, it just seems like WE just can't get along.
Click to expand...
Its bad enough when you have the sin of one person to deal with, but when you times it by two or three in one house it becomes a real challenge. The goal is devoloping unconditional love, realizing that anothers sin is small on the grand scheme of things when you look at your self as the cheif of sinners and what your sin cost Christ, it becomes easier to overlook some things and extend the same grace God has given you to others. Have you ever seen Fireproof? In working through the love dare it helps you realize that your fulfilment is in Christ and if its not it needs to be, because everything else will fail you, people, things etc. Its an excersise in unconditional love and expecting nothing in return. That would be a very cheap resource in dealing with your own heart and taking every thought captive by the word of God.
 
Billyd

Billyd

Senior Member
#12
May 8, 2014
5,064
1,501
113
#12
Two things.

Marriage is a 100% commitment to each other. The scripture says that you are to come together as one in Christ with him as the head of that union and you as the heart of it (my paraphrase). I met the love of my life at the end of Feb. We were married at the end of May. We had two weeks together before I went to war for eight months. Two weeks after I returned our first son was born. That was over 55 years ago. We had our problems, but we also had a commitment to each other and to Christ. You can have a wonderful life together, but you will need both too.

Every marriage needs a little renewal time. Use your imagination.

Lord God, intervene in this marriage and draw the family closer together. In the precious name of Jesus our, Lord and Savior
I pray. Amen.
 
O

Osiyo

Guest
#13
#13
It is sad, is it not, we have the ashtray is full attitude, marriage is a combination of war and sport at times, two people that have given their word to make it work no matter what? So where is the problem, nobody is perfect, and can I accept my partner the way she or he is? No, evidentially not it would seem, I'm not being simplistic, but one has to invest in a marriage, it's a two way street and one has to be willing to make compromises minute by minute sometimes. Our partner doesn't add up to what we excepted them to be?

My wife and I are going on number 40 this October, three children, and now 4 grandchildren, was it easy, by no means, as stated already, Christ must be the centrepiece of the marriage, and we have to admit before God that we don't and can't hold this marriage without His help, ask and He will help for one of the many things that are "holy" in God's eyes is the marriage. He is interested in the marriage and that it works, a couple that prays together stays together, so want to please God, make the marriage work, no matter what after all it is an investment, don't cash-in too early, be blessed as I am blessed by both my wife and God. Now that is something is it not? Blood-bought we both are.
 
B

Bonita123

Banned
#14
Aug 21, 2014
10
0
0
#14
“Dear Lord, please guide this special sister during the trouble in her marriage. And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turns to her right and when she turns to her left (see Isa. 30:21).

“Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings.

“Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.
HopeAtLast.com God Can and Will Restore your Marriage
 
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