OK... another long overdue update.
This road has had some really great moments, times when I look at what has happened and wonder why I ever thought there would be difficulty. But there have been MANY moments where this road has had some VERY bad dips, turns, and unexpected broken bridges... leaving me to wonder if there is any chance of making it to the destination that Christ has lead me to believe He wants.
This last week was just such a week, where things were going fantastic for the biggest portion of a week and a half, then we get a text from our counselor asking us to postpone our session an additional week due to a family emergency our counselor was having. The session had already been explained to me by our counselor, asking me to be ready to discuss "boundaries"... and so, me being the kind of person that I am, I spent the week getting prepared. When the session had to be moved, I was in that mode and anxious, so I politely texted my wife with something that has been eating me for this past year. I say politely, because to me it was. I thought I was expressing one of the boundaries that she would easily be able to see, that was being crossed... maybe accidentally.
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Here is the text I sent while waiting in the car for our oldest to complete his Airsoft games:
As a side note... Gonna get this off my chest, because I'm cold and bored.
I had for the longest time explained how I wanted us to go back to (destination left blank for anonymity), but we both agreed that it was pricey. I accepted that, but still wanted to plan it with us.
You then got the idea to go for your birthday, which I want you to have a good time... But I felt like you were putting you and your friends before us as a family. I never said anything, because you have been excited, but the feelings of you and your friends coming before us as a family, in light of the past few months, has really taken its toll on me.
Today with our counselor, I was getting prepared to discuss this, but seeing as how she needed to reschedule, I felt that I was just going to stew for another week before getting it off of my chest.
Your friends are important, but you and I need to work on us... they NEED to be placed on the back burner for a bit. Hopefully you can understand my point of view.
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Now, a little back story to fill people in on the context of that conversation. This birthday trip, is one where she decided to go off with her 3 girlfriends. For this past year, my wife has been putting what I consider to be a great amount of time into her relationships with her 3 girlfriends, and yes there was the relationship with the other man as well, but that one is no longer the main issue.
Of her 3 girlfriends, 2 of them are having some pretty severe marriage issues, and both of those ladies with marriage issues have been, at least in my opinion, been assisting my wife in seeing things as hopeless rather than repairable. One of those ladies is now asking for us to possibly have her move in while she separates from her husband... which I am VERY torn over, because I feel that it would be a complete distraction from the two of us trying to repair our marriage. But anyway... Over this past year, once a month, and in some cases 3 times a month, she would go out and have what they call a "girls night out". Now, to be honest, I had encouraged her to go spend time with her friends while I was hiding my medical issues, the issues that kept me from feeling as though I could participate in those activities... but even if I were feeling up to it... the "girls night out" kind of suggests... NO GUYS.
So, for the past year or so she is out with her friends for dancing, drinks, dinners, movies and hotels roughly 20 times. For the same year or so she and I go out twice, maybe three times.
She complained last night when I brought up the frequency of building her friends relationships, as compared to working on OUR relationship... that WE have grown apart. I asked her if she thought that spending such a large amount of time with her friends, helping them through their issues, finding an escape and having a good time was helping US, or helping THEM. She refused to see that there is any trouble with what she has been doing. She got pretty upset, going on about how she works hard, 4 days a week, providing for our family (which she does... she make good money... and is the MAIN source of our income), and she feels that she deserves some "me" time. I told her that her "me" time has progressed into "not her husband" time, and THAT was the reason for us growing apart. And that seemed to start a HUGE fight.
About 2 to 3 weeks ago, while we were going through a particularly rough section, I told her that I had had enough. I was packing my bags to give her the space and time that she obviously thought she needed. While I was packing, she angrily told me that if I left, what would happen with our 3 boys, is that I would be lucky to see them every other weekend. That comment stuck with me... jarring me on a level I honestly hadn't thought of. She had in essence suggested that I was going to lose access to our children. She, the one who had stepped out on our marriage was telling me that I wouldn't be the one to raise the boys. Me, the one who stays at home with them throughout the day, homeschooling them, would be left with "visitation" rights as to her choosing. So, last night, while discussing the issue with her need to put more value on her friends than her husband... I went to a place beyond anger. I lost it. I told her that this was finally it. The value of her friends and HER time was more important that repairing OUR relationship. 2 o'clock in the morning, we are yelling at each other while I am throwing things in a bag, packing the car for me to leave. In that moment of anger, I told her something that I can never take back... and I hate myself for it. I told her that I would be filing for divorce at the first of the week, the divorce papers WILL NOT read as "irreconcilable differences" but instead WILL read as "wife had an adulterous affair", and that I would be suing for sole custody of the children. There was no way I was going to allow her to be THE one influencing our children, when SHE obviously DID NOT have the same Christian values that I thought WE shared when we married... otherwise she would not have put our marriage AND children at risk with her poor choices.
ALL of the past few months of hurt, betrayal, the lies... EVERYTHING... came out at that one time. I immediately apologized, but I could tell that the damage was done. She went in complete defensive mode. I explained that I had said it out of hurt for the things I had been stewing on when SHE had threatened to take away my access to our children, and that what I said was nothing more than lashing out for all of the issues we are going through. It was the lowest I have ever felt. That look in her eyes when she heard me lash out... how do you repair that.
We were finally able to come to a VERY thin agreement where I stay, where I COMPLETELY drop any and all discussions of the affair, and she will "try" to find a way to help me with repairing us. I told her that I wanted her to sit down with me, with our children, and explain to them that mom AND dad are going through a difficult time. BUT... we were committed to working it out. That way, the things that I know they have seen and heard, will not be such a huge worry for them. At least that was my thinking. She immediately became defensive, saying that the boys DID NOT need to know why we were having difficulties, that they NEVER needed to know what she had done. I agreed that it would be best for that to stay between us, but that we still needed to give them comfort. Problem is, she agreed to do so, but we haven't had that talk with the boys yet, even after setting the time to do it, she hasn't followed though... and honestly... I don't think she will.
It all feels so hollow... as if there is so much there that isn't there... it's very hard to explain. The emptiness, the doubt, the feelings that I am being strung along until the children are old enough to leave, EXACTLY like my parents did... it is overwhelming at times.
She has made it clear that MY inability to be there for her is what sent her to someone else, and I have been told by her AND the counselor, that I must put it in the past, that I must deal with it and get closure, and then I am to NEVER bring it up again. My difficulty is, those kinds of rigid rules DO NOT seem to be applied to my wife. She is allowed to take her time figuring things out, spend time with her friends, and NOT fill my needs of assistance in repairing us. I am lost as to how I can see this from her perspective, how in her eyes this seems to be how to repair US... whereas in my eyes... it is all about her ignoring ME.
I pray that no one EVER has to go through what we are going through. The way that it pulls a person apart at the very seams of their soul... it is truly hard to put into words. I think that this gives us a small insight as to how God must feel when we sin against Him, how it must hurt Him on a level that is beyond words to explain.
Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
