married men

[Clarence_Lumpy_Rutherford]

Re: married men shouldn't initiate IMs with single women

My thoughts: a married man shouldn't initiate conversations with ladies, single or married, online.

The points expressed thus far are appropro.

In my case, I find single or divorced women PM'ing me.
I tell them up-front that I am married and won't flirt nor engage in sexual talk with them.

Some tried to "fish" and one woman, a divocee', asked me if I "played around."
No, of course not.

Again, she IM'd me, not me her.
Later, someone else told me that woman, a Christian, engaged in an online sexual affair with a guy friend of her's.

I find some people just wanna chat.
A never-married devout Christian woman in her 40s IM'd me the other day and she and I got into some conversation. She told me she hasn't really been in any relationships and is planning to wait until marriage. Again, I didn't ask her about her sexual status, she brought that up. That all came up after I asked her how she got to that age without getting married.

Communication can easily get out of hand.
Because of the obvious dangers, while I communicate with these people, I rarely initiate such conversations.

 

[flight316]

Hello stranger. Boy troubles seem to be following you around lately.

I would say that married men have no business making friends with women online, period. Now if a married man becomes friends with a woman because they work together or maybe because she is a mutual friend of his wife's that's different. Online, men are like kids unsupervised in an adult playground. In real life there are always other human eyes and ears seeing and hearing what is going on (unless they are someplace they shouldn't be!). Online they know they are truly alone with you. That is the difference. Or as they say in France, 'la difference'.

Man, that car in your avatar is soooo hot! Sorry, I know that I'm off the subect, but omg that car is hot! I wanna date that car. ( please forgive me)

 

[flight316]

Re: married men shouldn't initiate IMs with single women

My thoughts: a married man shouldn't initiate conversations with ladies, single or married, online.

The points expressed thus far are appropro.

In my case, I find single or divorced women PM'ing me.
I tell them up-front that I am married and won't flirt nor engage in sexual talk with them.

Some tried to "fish" and one woman, a divocee', asked me if I "played around."
No, of course not.

Again, she IM'd me, not me her.
Later, someone else told me that woman, a Christian, engaged in an online sexual affair with a guy friend of her's.

I find some people just wanna chat.
A never-married devout Christian woman in her 40s IM'd me the other day and she and I got into some conversation. She told me she hasn't really been in any relationships and is planning to wait until marriage. Again, I didn't ask her about her sexual status, she brought that up. That all came up after I asked her how she got to that age without getting married.

Communication can easily get out of hand.
Because of the obvious dangers, while I communicate with these people, I rarely initiate such conversations.

Hey Lumpy, quit foolin around, my mom's gonna get mad. ( sorry, I couldn't resist )

 

[Chrissy77]

The easiest way to set your boundaries is to attempt to look at it from his wife's point of view. If you were his wife, would you feel hurt or betrayed if your husband was talking with another woman about certain things?

Jullianna said exactly what I was going to say. If you were the wife, how would you feel?
Plain and simple that is all there is to it.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

well i didn't do anything. for sure for sure. of course i was thinking about the wife.
it just wasn't my side of the conversation that was fishy. if you know what i mean. i warned him. anyways.

 

[Ritter]

thanks bud. i feel like you heard me this time. so let me see if i can hear you.
i only threw the second paragraph in bytheway? bc of your post. i was not thinking about sexual purity at all with the case of this man. but rather the emotional bonds that a sad and lonely married man sometimes feels towards the opposite gender. i don't know why they cling to the young ladies to try to feel their worth or anything. we're not all that. but i do indeed wish the honor and morality and restraint was the norm, but it's sadly not. it's not a given.

i guess no matter how guarded emotionally I AM, it's still in their court. they hear what they wanna hear and they feel what they wanna feel and there's not much i can actually do about that except not talk to them.
or to state clearly that boundaries are needed until boundaries are held.
that's all i mean by a system of ethics and behavior. how do i hold my boundaries firmly.

if what you have said is appropriate in marriage. to basically not have a side one-to-one online skype friendship. i guess that's my answer.

I'm glad I paused the rant because I thought you were proposing that we put in place some sort of therapeutic pipe dream.

So a personal guide to ethics and behavior, then. Gotcha. We both agree that it would be best if those ideals were made public (and we should work toward making them public again, but that's another thread idea).

Well yeah, I think you're on the right track. Just remember you don't need to cut him off. I presume you want him to stick with his wife (that would be the right thing anyhow). Include her in your conversations somehow. Propose you all meet. I don't know, use your imagination. There are plenty of creative ways to avoid the appearance of evil and not offend him.

You just, as you said, have to draw your line in the sand and then stick to your guns.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Later, I learned in the church that her mother had done the same thing when she was young. Weird that the daughter followed in her mother's adulterous footsteps. Both the mother and daughter considered themselvess good Christians, of course, and were faithful church attenders. She had no problem attending the same church with the new man she was in adultery with. The church leadership just ignored it. Crazy.

The spurned worship pastor husband showed up at my door about six months later with a loaded pistol. It took me a couple of hours to talk him down. He might have killed himself. Obviously, he wasn't leading worship anymore.

Now he was a really cool, committed, godly Christian who had done NOTHING wrong. What a tragedy. He was going through more than he could handle. I moved away a few years later. I wonder what eventually happened to him.

And people wonder why I won't even talk to a married woman if I detect even the hint of a problem. The things I have seen. Tragic.

oy! that's horrible! i am sorry that happened but glad you know what to do for next time. YUCK!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Man, that car in your avatar is soooo hot! Sorry, I know that I'm off the subect, but omg that car is hot! I wanna date that car. ( please forgive me)

Haha I agree! Its a ferrari concept car called the 365 Turin.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

Later, I learned in the church that her mother had done the same thing when she was young. Weird that the daughter followed in her mother's adulterous footsteps. Both the mother and daughter considered themselvess good Christians, of course, and were faithful church attenders. She had no problem attending the same church with the new man she was in adultery with. The church leadership just ignored it. Crazy.

The spurned worship pastor husband showed up at my door about six months later with a loaded pistol. It took me a couple of hours to talk him down. He might have killed himself. Obviously, he wasn't leading worship anymore.

Now he was a really cool, committed, godly Christian who had done NOTHING wrong. What a tragedy. He was going through more than he could handle. I moved away a few years later. I wonder what eventually happened to him.

And people wonder why I won't even talk to a married woman if I detect even the hint of a problem. The things I have seen. Tragic.

oh my gosh!

 

[truelovewaits]

the only simple but general answer for these questions is......... "DON'T DO TO OTHERS WHAT YOU DON'T WANT THEM DO TO YOU"...whether it is for marriage men or women or any relationship.....just think yourself and God.. Will God and your partner be pleased if you do this and that? lol... have never been in a relationship.. but these things reminds me of people who are married and cherish their relationship with their partner... "TRANSPARENCY"

 

[Stephen63]

Oh yeah, it's basic science that every man is really just a life-support system for his p#%^* and has no control over any impulses or urges.

I'm totally appalled at the open-minded language used on this thread. There was probably at least 10 other better ways this could've been said. Any such language on TV would have a PG 14 rating, which by the way is pretty bad and unsuitable for children. A Christian forum should have better manners than that. Would you want your children reading that? Would you want them to think by example that talking about such things openly is all right? It's obvious that some people have forgotten ''the old paths'' of Christianity.

As for the issue of married men having female friends, I have several. I have some at church, I have some at work, and I have many on this site. I don't believe every man is the same like some on here are saying. That to me is insulting. There are many married man on here that are true brothers and spiritual fathers to others. If their kindness is misconstrued as being overly nice, what does a thread like this say about their reputation? Are they to be stereotyped with perverts? I have joked with several girls, ladies, and guys on this site. Where does that leave me? I may sound overly zealous with this topic, but that's because a lot of young Christians are reading this with a general interpretation instead of a spiritual one.

 

[Clarence_Lumpy_Rutherford]

I'm totally appalled at the open-minded language used on this thread. There was probably at least 10 other better ways this could've been said. Any such language on TV would have a PG 14 rating, which by the way is pretty bad and unsuitable for children. A Christian forum should have better manners than that. Would you want your children reading that? Would you want them to think by example that talking about such things openly is all right? It's obvious that some people have forgotten ''the old paths'' of Christianity.

As for the issue of married men having female friends, I have several. I have some at church, I have some at work, and I have many on this site. I don't believe every man is the same like some on here are saying. That to me is insulting.

There are many married man on here that are true brothers and spiritual fathers to others. If their kindness is misconstrued as being overly nice, what does a thread like this say about their reputation? Are they to be stereotyped with perverts?

I have joked with several girls, ladies, and guys on this site. Where does that leave me? I may sound overly zealous with this topic, but that's because a lot of young Christians are reading this with a general interpretation instead of a spiritual one.

Stephen,
I agree with a lot of what you say here.

I'm one who as a married man communicates with some ladies (and men) online.

I don't make it romantic or say anything inappropriate in any way, as I posted, but find I get something out of these relationships.
Often, the communication follows something the two of us shared, say the topic of a thread.

Other times, I try to help them with advice in what to look for in dating, etc.

The key, I think, is not for the married one to pursue it.
If someone IMs me, I'm free to help them or chat with them but as I said, I make it clear they're not gonna get a romantic relationship out of this.

 

[Jullianna]

I do have married friends both on and offline. Pastor Stephen63 has been a dear friend for a couple of years now and there is no one online that I respect more. Clearly they do not all behave inappropriately, but maaaaany do.

From the OP's posts, I think her concerns aren't so much about having/not having married friends, but the content of the conversations and the intent behind the person wanting to be her friend, unless I'm mistaken. Once a "friendship" with a married person crosses the line of inappropriateness, it's tough to recover from that. It's out there.

One of the reasons I like posting in the forums is that whatever is said is public. It's also why I prefer main chat to PMs, even with single guys I don't know well. Getting to know folks first goes a long way toward avoiding the creepiness factor and having to deal with uncomfortable situations.

 

[Stephen63]

Awwwe, thank you....
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