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This may get lengthy, so please bear with me. I am married to a non-Christian and have been for the past 7 years. We have been together for 18 years with a one year break however. We have a very long complicated history. We met when I was dating his brother and became very good friends before we were romantic. He went away to prison for three years for theft and I wrote to him while he was in there as a friend. Then we he was released from prison we became romantic. Unfortunately, he had not learned from his former mistakes and I was not a Christian then (I was very young) and he was arrested 8 months later for theft again. I found out two weeks after his arrest that I was pregnant with our son. This was actually a planned pregnancy. In the 8 months we were together however, he had been with several other girls besides me. I knew and had evidence of 6 for sure (that was just the ones I knew about).
Again, not a Christian at the time, I remained faithful to him completely for the first 2 and a half years he was in prison. Then I met someone through a mutual friend who was very good looking and was actually interested in me. In case you haven't noticed yet, my self esteem at the time was not that great. So I ended up breaking up with my husband (then boyfriend who was incarcerated). Our son was a little over a year old at the time. I promised him that I would still allow him to have a relationship with our son and I still wrote to him regularly, I just did not visit. That was about the only thing that changed in our relationship. My so called relationship with the other guy was a whirlwind. He turned out to be a piece of work. We started dating, got married and split up all within 10 months. Once I realized he was abusive (shortly after the wedding), he had to go. It was shortly after this that my husband was released from prison and sent to a local county jail where he was awaiting charges.
Obviously, we eventually reconciled. He still brings up to this day however that I "ran out and married someone else" when we were apart. Before I became a Christian, I would throw back in his face that at least I broke up with him first and it wasn't while we were still together. After we reconciled, he had 1 other confirmed relationship right away. His excuse was that he got back together with me to break my heart. What was worse is that he took our son with him to this woman's house while they were having relations. He was 3 at the time.
We had our daughter in 2006 and got married in 2007. We married because we were trying to get custody of his oldest child from a previous relationship who was 12 at the time. Our attorney couldn't understand why we weren't married yet for as long as we had been together. We already owned a house and had two kids of our own so we figured why not. We won custody. Then in 2008, things fell apart again. Our house caught fire and two months later there was a flood and our whole town was under water. We ended up having to move in to a camper in a bad neighborhood. Turns out just a couple doors down from his ex-girlfriend. Once again, he stepped out. This time though it was worse because we were married and the person he had an affair with a woman with 5 kids that was addicted to meth. He even told me he was prepared to leave me for her.
To give you some background on my husband- he comes from an abusive background himself. He has never been abusive towards myself or the children other than possibly verbally. His mother was an alcoholic and he was in her custody. He left home as a teenager and started supporting himself but he does still have a relationship with his father, not his mother. His mother was a serial cheater on his father. They divorced and then remarried (each other) then divorced again. His mother remarried when he was around 14, his father has never remarried and still talks about his mother to this day. I am sure that he is still in love with her. When we first met, he was a social person and liked to go places and do things. He also drank quite a bit but didn't really get drunk. Now, he won't leave the house unless it is to go to an auction or to do something he wants to do. We can never go to see my family as a family or any other social gatherings unless it is his idea. I can go to my family's, but I should not be gone to long and then have to explain why I have taken so long when I am gone.
So, my husband's affair in 2008 wasn't such a bad thing. That combined with many other things that happened that year are what lead me to God. I have grown exponentially in my faith since then and for that I am very thankful. God has truly helped me with many hurdles since I have found him. I have had three brain surgeries, a spinal cord surgery and most recently a run in with a semi. However, I have relied on my Bible, prayer and my Christian friends to get me through my hurdles.
I am experiencing a spiritual drought of sorts I believe. However, the issue my marriage is suffering from now is that I recently discovered my husband started looking at personals sites and porn. I know it has been going on for a month at least. I have been praying and Bible reading for that whole month. I found out when we were on a honeymoon of sorts at the end of January and I got on his phone to look something up and it was there staring me in the face. Because I wanted us to have a good trip, I left it alone and just prayed hard about it. Then I got on his computer and noticed he was on a different site on there that he left in the history. Then I got curious and downloaded and app to monitor and discovered he had a whole bunch of porn apps installed as well as looking stuff up on there. He is gone 3 days every week for work and sometimes up to 5.
Two weeks ago, he came home from work and decided to take a shower right away. VERY unlike him (but very like his affair behavior). Not only that, he started a load of laundry for me with his dirty clothes in it. In 18 years together, he has never -and I do mean never- done a load of laundry. As a matter of fact, he washed the clothes using fabric softener because he didn't know which one was the soap. This week when he came home, he again took a shower right away. I collected his laundry while he was in the shower and I noticed right away the stains in his underwear. I won't go in to details but use your imagination. So, I am convinced that he is having an affair again. Not sure if it is a one time thing or an ongoing thing. He travels for his job, so it could be anyone, anywhere. I know he is being careful about there being evidence on his phone though because I did finally confront him on that last Friday and he actually had the nerve to blame it on our daughter. She is 8!
I have no idea what to do now. I am still praying. I can't tell him I have been going behind his back and monitoring his phone and I already feel guilty enough about it. I feel more guilty for it because I feel like I should have left it to God and I didn't. I pray for his salvation daily and I pray for God to show me what is right. I keep reading and asking for the right verses to guide my path. My children have noticed a change in him- they say he is being meaner. He is being less affectionate toward me as well. As far as our intimate life is normally concerned, it is generally pretty active, several times during the week. However the past two weeks, I have to pull teeth for just once and it is like a chore for him. This past week, he only worked three days and he did not kiss me good night any of those nights. We always go to bed at the same time (often times I will wait up for him even though I am exhausted), but he would just roll over and fall asleep.
I told him in 2008 if he had another affair that I would not put myself or our children through that again and our marriage would end. I feel like God brought us together for a reason however. I just don't know if I can emotionally go through this again and again. I tend to get angry and upset and unfortunately I sometimes take this out on my kids by yelling at them and that is not fair to them. I am not perfect. I almost had an affair once and admitted this to him and he told me I was lying. I just couldn't live with the lie and guilt. He says I can be crabby and I can be at times, in particular when I am in pain from my disability. But I try to just never complain about my pain. I take care of him when he is home and wait on him hand and foot. I hide my emotional pain most of the time and just deal with it through prayer. I feel most of the time like the only thing I have is God .
I am sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to get the whole picture. Please let me know if you have any opinions or suggestions. I appreciate them all as long as they are from a Christian perspective.
Again, not a Christian at the time, I remained faithful to him completely for the first 2 and a half years he was in prison. Then I met someone through a mutual friend who was very good looking and was actually interested in me. In case you haven't noticed yet, my self esteem at the time was not that great. So I ended up breaking up with my husband (then boyfriend who was incarcerated). Our son was a little over a year old at the time. I promised him that I would still allow him to have a relationship with our son and I still wrote to him regularly, I just did not visit. That was about the only thing that changed in our relationship. My so called relationship with the other guy was a whirlwind. He turned out to be a piece of work. We started dating, got married and split up all within 10 months. Once I realized he was abusive (shortly after the wedding), he had to go. It was shortly after this that my husband was released from prison and sent to a local county jail where he was awaiting charges.
Obviously, we eventually reconciled. He still brings up to this day however that I "ran out and married someone else" when we were apart. Before I became a Christian, I would throw back in his face that at least I broke up with him first and it wasn't while we were still together. After we reconciled, he had 1 other confirmed relationship right away. His excuse was that he got back together with me to break my heart. What was worse is that he took our son with him to this woman's house while they were having relations. He was 3 at the time.
We had our daughter in 2006 and got married in 2007. We married because we were trying to get custody of his oldest child from a previous relationship who was 12 at the time. Our attorney couldn't understand why we weren't married yet for as long as we had been together. We already owned a house and had two kids of our own so we figured why not. We won custody. Then in 2008, things fell apart again. Our house caught fire and two months later there was a flood and our whole town was under water. We ended up having to move in to a camper in a bad neighborhood. Turns out just a couple doors down from his ex-girlfriend. Once again, he stepped out. This time though it was worse because we were married and the person he had an affair with a woman with 5 kids that was addicted to meth. He even told me he was prepared to leave me for her.
To give you some background on my husband- he comes from an abusive background himself. He has never been abusive towards myself or the children other than possibly verbally. His mother was an alcoholic and he was in her custody. He left home as a teenager and started supporting himself but he does still have a relationship with his father, not his mother. His mother was a serial cheater on his father. They divorced and then remarried (each other) then divorced again. His mother remarried when he was around 14, his father has never remarried and still talks about his mother to this day. I am sure that he is still in love with her. When we first met, he was a social person and liked to go places and do things. He also drank quite a bit but didn't really get drunk. Now, he won't leave the house unless it is to go to an auction or to do something he wants to do. We can never go to see my family as a family or any other social gatherings unless it is his idea. I can go to my family's, but I should not be gone to long and then have to explain why I have taken so long when I am gone.
So, my husband's affair in 2008 wasn't such a bad thing. That combined with many other things that happened that year are what lead me to God. I have grown exponentially in my faith since then and for that I am very thankful. God has truly helped me with many hurdles since I have found him. I have had three brain surgeries, a spinal cord surgery and most recently a run in with a semi. However, I have relied on my Bible, prayer and my Christian friends to get me through my hurdles.
I am experiencing a spiritual drought of sorts I believe. However, the issue my marriage is suffering from now is that I recently discovered my husband started looking at personals sites and porn. I know it has been going on for a month at least. I have been praying and Bible reading for that whole month. I found out when we were on a honeymoon of sorts at the end of January and I got on his phone to look something up and it was there staring me in the face. Because I wanted us to have a good trip, I left it alone and just prayed hard about it. Then I got on his computer and noticed he was on a different site on there that he left in the history. Then I got curious and downloaded and app to monitor and discovered he had a whole bunch of porn apps installed as well as looking stuff up on there. He is gone 3 days every week for work and sometimes up to 5.
Two weeks ago, he came home from work and decided to take a shower right away. VERY unlike him (but very like his affair behavior). Not only that, he started a load of laundry for me with his dirty clothes in it. In 18 years together, he has never -and I do mean never- done a load of laundry. As a matter of fact, he washed the clothes using fabric softener because he didn't know which one was the soap. This week when he came home, he again took a shower right away. I collected his laundry while he was in the shower and I noticed right away the stains in his underwear. I won't go in to details but use your imagination. So, I am convinced that he is having an affair again. Not sure if it is a one time thing or an ongoing thing. He travels for his job, so it could be anyone, anywhere. I know he is being careful about there being evidence on his phone though because I did finally confront him on that last Friday and he actually had the nerve to blame it on our daughter. She is 8!
I have no idea what to do now. I am still praying. I can't tell him I have been going behind his back and monitoring his phone and I already feel guilty enough about it. I feel more guilty for it because I feel like I should have left it to God and I didn't. I pray for his salvation daily and I pray for God to show me what is right. I keep reading and asking for the right verses to guide my path. My children have noticed a change in him- they say he is being meaner. He is being less affectionate toward me as well. As far as our intimate life is normally concerned, it is generally pretty active, several times during the week. However the past two weeks, I have to pull teeth for just once and it is like a chore for him. This past week, he only worked three days and he did not kiss me good night any of those nights. We always go to bed at the same time (often times I will wait up for him even though I am exhausted), but he would just roll over and fall asleep.
I told him in 2008 if he had another affair that I would not put myself or our children through that again and our marriage would end. I feel like God brought us together for a reason however. I just don't know if I can emotionally go through this again and again. I tend to get angry and upset and unfortunately I sometimes take this out on my kids by yelling at them and that is not fair to them. I am not perfect. I almost had an affair once and admitted this to him and he told me I was lying. I just couldn't live with the lie and guilt. He says I can be crabby and I can be at times, in particular when I am in pain from my disability. But I try to just never complain about my pain. I take care of him when he is home and wait on him hand and foot. I hide my emotional pain most of the time and just deal with it through prayer. I feel most of the time like the only thing I have is God .
I am sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to get the whole picture. Please let me know if you have any opinions or suggestions. I appreciate them all as long as they are from a Christian perspective.
