J
A man for whom I have the utmost respect and admiration fell in love with me and told me this about two weeks ago. His intent was misguided but honorable. He was not trying to pursue me. He told the pastor and we are all to have a meeting in a few minutes. I'm not the best communicator and I fear that being in the office with two pastors isn't going to make me any better a communicator. This man is my worship pastor. He is 57 years old and his eldest son is only a year older than I am. I have trusted this friend with a lot and he has supported me through hell. He was the first man I truly trusted. He was the first person to tell me he wanted to protect me. He taught me how to worship. He began giving me piano lessons. He changed the way I view God and men in general, and he has prayed me through my healing in some very difficult tragedies. He knew when I was cutting. He knew when I stopped eating. He heard music that I wrote that I never shared with anyone. He was the one I called when I was with my father who had disowned me. He was the one I called when I was asked to pull the plug on my dad, when my mom attacked me, when my husband became violent and I had to leave. Now he is not the only one involved in these situations, but he was a driving force in them.
I don't know what will happen in a few minutes. I don't know if I'll be able to express myself. I don't know if I'll have all communication cut off from him. I don't know if he'll just apologize. But I do know I would rather lose my dad 10 times over than lose this man.
I know I did nothing wrong, but there is a deep root of shame in me. As much as I know I didn't ask for this, there's a part of me that truly believes that I was born guilty... That just because I was born female I am automatically guilty of tempting men. And that guilt makes me hate myself and feel ugly which makes me want to hurt myself.
I've been listing my feelings and this is what I've determined so far. I feel
- betrayed. - rejected. -humiliated. -abandoned. - ugly. - exposed -ashamed. - uncovered. - angry. - confused. - guilty
I don't know what will happen in a few minutes. I don't know if I'll be able to express myself. I don't know if I'll have all communication cut off from him. I don't know if he'll just apologize. But I do know I would rather lose my dad 10 times over than lose this man.
I know I did nothing wrong, but there is a deep root of shame in me. As much as I know I didn't ask for this, there's a part of me that truly believes that I was born guilty... That just because I was born female I am automatically guilty of tempting men. And that guilt makes me hate myself and feel ugly which makes me want to hurt myself.
I've been listing my feelings and this is what I've determined so far. I feel
- betrayed. - rejected. -humiliated. -abandoned. - ugly. - exposed -ashamed. - uncovered. - angry. - confused. - guilty
