J
BACKGROUND: My worship pastor whom I've been under for 10 years told me a couple of weeks that he had fallen in love with me. It was a terrible judgement call, but his intent was honorable if not misdirected. It threw me for a loop because this man has been by my side through some of the greatest challenges of my life. He's the one I call when I don't understand men. He's the one I've called with all my worship questions. He walked me through coming to a point where I could admit and accept my fathers abuse. He was the one I called while I was back home and my father was dying. He took me in when my husband became violent. He took me to the bank to switch my accounts over. He and the senior pastor have stoof by me through my whole divorce and are the only men I would have give me away at my next wedding.
So all three of us met and he apologized. That was about it. Bascially, we cannot be alone together which is fine, and we cannot do worship alone - meaning just the two of us. That's a harder pill to swallow, but again... fine. After the first pastor left, I sat with the senior pastor who gave me this (actually) great talk. You see, I didn't really have a father who cared. And my mother just raised me with the notion that boys will be boys and whatevver happened was my fault. Both of them either called or treated me as a tramp from farther back than I remember. So I was raised feeling as far from beautiful as I one could feel. I felt rotten to my core which made me feel utterly undesirable as a person. My gender was a vulnerability. Simply because I was born female, I was set in a position where I was bound to be attacked. So I guess there is a bit of shame for being female. So the pastor in his very fatherly was explaining sex appeal which I'm not sure I understand completely. He was explaining attraction. I know I'm intriguing to people. I'm quiet in new situations but I sing on the worship team. I think my voice shocks people sometimes because it's not quiet and reserved like my personality can be sometimes. Also, being in some position of leadership makes people assume things about me that may or may not be true. I know I get attention because I have a presence in my church. I am VERY well know. I have never been protected, so it's very difficult for me to protect myself. It stirs up a lot of pain and resentment. I do for the first time in my life have a covering. Both of my pastors have been my protectors. However, I live in Los Angeles and I don't drive. Thus I walk LONG distances. Enough back story...
Yesterday I was at church for a meeting, my last divorcecare meeting. One of the guys and I were obviously flirting. It wasn't anything inappropriate. It was all in fun. We were just being playful, and it was very entertaining. It was nice to know that someone cared I was around. Thank God this guy actually goes to a different church. I rarely see him which is probably a good thing. It's makes boundaries easier. However, I noticed something. When worship started it was much more a challenge to enter in than it has been in the recently past. I know that this is what Paul was talking about when he was advizing us to be married or single. While I don't believe I have a gift for singleness, it was a bit of a wake-up call when I realized that just a bit of attention could fill my void for the Lord even temporarily.
I don't want a man to take that place... EVER.
So all three of us met and he apologized. That was about it. Bascially, we cannot be alone together which is fine, and we cannot do worship alone - meaning just the two of us. That's a harder pill to swallow, but again... fine. After the first pastor left, I sat with the senior pastor who gave me this (actually) great talk. You see, I didn't really have a father who cared. And my mother just raised me with the notion that boys will be boys and whatevver happened was my fault. Both of them either called or treated me as a tramp from farther back than I remember. So I was raised feeling as far from beautiful as I one could feel. I felt rotten to my core which made me feel utterly undesirable as a person. My gender was a vulnerability. Simply because I was born female, I was set in a position where I was bound to be attacked. So I guess there is a bit of shame for being female. So the pastor in his very fatherly was explaining sex appeal which I'm not sure I understand completely. He was explaining attraction. I know I'm intriguing to people. I'm quiet in new situations but I sing on the worship team. I think my voice shocks people sometimes because it's not quiet and reserved like my personality can be sometimes. Also, being in some position of leadership makes people assume things about me that may or may not be true. I know I get attention because I have a presence in my church. I am VERY well know. I have never been protected, so it's very difficult for me to protect myself. It stirs up a lot of pain and resentment. I do for the first time in my life have a covering. Both of my pastors have been my protectors. However, I live in Los Angeles and I don't drive. Thus I walk LONG distances. Enough back story...
Yesterday I was at church for a meeting, my last divorcecare meeting. One of the guys and I were obviously flirting. It wasn't anything inappropriate. It was all in fun. We were just being playful, and it was very entertaining. It was nice to know that someone cared I was around. Thank God this guy actually goes to a different church. I rarely see him which is probably a good thing. It's makes boundaries easier. However, I noticed something. When worship started it was much more a challenge to enter in than it has been in the recently past. I know that this is what Paul was talking about when he was advizing us to be married or single. While I don't believe I have a gift for singleness, it was a bit of a wake-up call when I realized that just a bit of attention could fill my void for the Lord even temporarily.
I don't want a man to take that place... EVER.
