J
(Most of you know my story so I will only share the recent developments.)
I woke up this morning really feeling like a fat ugly lump. This is not me fishing for compliments. This is me being honest. I tried everything today to get out of this cloud. I prayed. I wrote in my journal. I distracted myself. I walked. I dd some worship. I read articles. Nothing dragged me out. When the family I stay with finally left, I grabbed my journal again and tried to identify my feelings. I realized I was sad and wondered why. I began seeing myself as a young girl basically bloodletting apparently intentionally. I wanted to get rid of whatever scum was in me. Now I've had this image before but I'd never connected it to how I was feeling today. So I prayed about the connection and I remembered when I used to hide crying in my dads closet. For several years I've had flashes of memories of what led me to the closet, but it was a couple hours ago that it all made sense. My parents split when I was 3. My dad lived in this house without his wife until I was 8. So from 3 to 8 when he would get mad, he'd send me to his room and I would hide in the closet crying. When he came in he would take all my clothes off, abuse me in different ways, and give me my clothes back as he apologized. Then before he sent me out he'd grab one of his magazines from the floor and flip to a page. "This is what a real woman looks like." Then he'd send me off.
Now the abuse started much earlier than 3. I was actually only an infant when it started, but it really messed with my understanding of beauty. I do not feel like this all the time, but sometimes I does hit me. I could never be beautiful for my father. He paid me little "positive" attention at any other time, so this is what I associated with men and beauty. If I couldn't be beautiful for him, then I couldn't be beautiful for any other man... And because of what he was doing, all the intrinsic beauty I had was ripped out of me.
I woke up this morning really feeling like a fat ugly lump. This is not me fishing for compliments. This is me being honest. I tried everything today to get out of this cloud. I prayed. I wrote in my journal. I distracted myself. I walked. I dd some worship. I read articles. Nothing dragged me out. When the family I stay with finally left, I grabbed my journal again and tried to identify my feelings. I realized I was sad and wondered why. I began seeing myself as a young girl basically bloodletting apparently intentionally. I wanted to get rid of whatever scum was in me. Now I've had this image before but I'd never connected it to how I was feeling today. So I prayed about the connection and I remembered when I used to hide crying in my dads closet. For several years I've had flashes of memories of what led me to the closet, but it was a couple hours ago that it all made sense. My parents split when I was 3. My dad lived in this house without his wife until I was 8. So from 3 to 8 when he would get mad, he'd send me to his room and I would hide in the closet crying. When he came in he would take all my clothes off, abuse me in different ways, and give me my clothes back as he apologized. Then before he sent me out he'd grab one of his magazines from the floor and flip to a page. "This is what a real woman looks like." Then he'd send me off.
Now the abuse started much earlier than 3. I was actually only an infant when it started, but it really messed with my understanding of beauty. I do not feel like this all the time, but sometimes I does hit me. I could never be beautiful for my father. He paid me little "positive" attention at any other time, so this is what I associated with men and beauty. If I couldn't be beautiful for him, then I couldn't be beautiful for any other man... And because of what he was doing, all the intrinsic beauty I had was ripped out of me.
