first you need to re-give your heart to the Lord.
second, you need to stop sinning. the drinking, the cutting, the thoughts.. you need to ask God for forgiveness and repent, and turn from your sin.
you need to take every thought captive. meaning, if these thoughts do not glorify God, get rid of them, and replace them with worship, prayer, or simply counting your blessings and giving thanks to the Lord. if your thoughts and feelings are of characteristics of the enemy, fear, anxiety, depression, you need to take those captive also, and give your troubles to God. you need to spend a lot of time with God to heal from all the troubles that you arguing through right now.
Just because you were saved didn't promise a happy, perfect life. we still live in a sinful world. but what happens when we get saved, even though we are still in the same crap world, we have God on our side now. God takes the enemies worst & turns it into good. God does all things well. God heals. "blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." God loves. God loves you. God can take away your pain. God can make you stronger. God can take what the enemy has done to you and turn it into glory over you. God can and does also put us through hard times for certain reasons. Now i wouldn't say the rape was a God-given purpose, that is never anything from God.. but, he will now use that suffering into good. Maybe you'll be helping rape victims, bringing them to the Lord some day, you never know. you have to be aware of what season you are in, what trials you are going in, and reflect on what you're feeling and give the crappy stuff to God, and pick yourself up and push through. God will love you no matter what. but you have him now.. and you cannot live a double life. you cannot be half saved. half spiritual and half flesh. you either live for God or you don't. So when things are bad, you go to God, and trust in him, and seek him, and run after him & listen for him, and pray and worship, and you laugh when you want to cry, because you're laughing in the devils face. and you thank the Lord for all he's done and all you have because you are giving him praise and glory and he's giving you blessings... as opposed to something bad happening, and dwelling over that negative circumstance, and then going to drink, and cut... and the enemy and his demons are under you saying "yes! she noticed what we've done." giving them praise instead of God. or they are saying "awesome, she's sinning, she's being set farther apart from God, lets attack her now while she's already down." you have to keep that praise on God no matter what. REJOICE ALWAYS! because its spiritual warfare, and you are fighting on God's side.
and reading the word is so key... at least 15 mins a day... your spirit actually dies whenever you don't read the word. its spiritual food & knowledge & God speaks to us from the word.
try this stuff please. i know it is hard, believe me... if you only knew my testimony. ive been there. ive partied, drugs, drinking, sexual abuse, broken family, mental illness, suicide attempts, cutting, you name it. and then i got saved, and God changed my life. im not perfect, bad stuff still happens, im not as strong as i wish i was and i have backslid a bit myself since ive been saved, but you have to do these things and remind yourself of who you are now in Christ, and that "you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."
if you ever need to talk, about anything, anytime, i am here ok? my email:
[email protected]
you can also check out
A Living Sacrifice
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