My poem: Ironic consequence

[Jakob]

What do you think of this poem, besides the grammatical mistakes?

Ironic consequence.

I’m In love with the clouds, but they lost value when it became night.
I did not recognize the sun, with my throbbing eyes and blurred mouth.
Days like it feels, when I search for the shadow of the flame of a candle.
until it runs out of time, smoke patience.
I refuse to be a victim,
I got what I wanted.
Under the bridge, there are fish that warn, their analysis of mental arithmetic, which develops a cynical and even a patient's crown- medicine nascent gene - mountain.
“The floor is not clear enough, clearly " Hummed the vacuum cleaner in provocation.
My cracked lips that felt like hands for an orchestra, which tries to play in tempo
I replied, " Who do you think you are? " though I well knew.

Weird disguise disguised as herself, but it was all about you.
Don’t you think? Was written in the cloudless sky.

Dear , you do know the soul is yours,
Become a mother that your daughter can call hers .​

 

[Jakob]

the poem is about me falling in love with the clouds in the sky, instead of the sun. So representing sadness.
It's like addiction, I dont know how to get away from the negativity, and focus on the sun.SoI want to get out of reality/problems. Then when I get out of reality, I cannot even recongnize or locate the sun, and I regret it, so its my own fault.
" I refuse to be a victim, I got what I wanted" So there, I realize I made a huge mistake, being away from reality, not being aware,
so I realize TO find the sun, I'd have to deal with my problems ( clouds)AND then the "vaccum cleaner" is supposed to be symbolising a human who cleans up after the past, like forgetting / dealing / cleaning the past,
so "it" mocks me, maybe its my conciousness. Where I'm in the state of mind saying "I know I made a mistake, I dont want to be away from reality, more aware"
and the fish part, near the end is about me using left brain, analyzing, thinking logical about myself,
where in the end, I say that I'm a mother (representing, right-brain, strong, and have feelings) that I have to have a daughter, so she can call her "mine".

 

[Jakob]

In love with the clouds, I gave my heart away, can not remember when or why.Maybe because it was like clay to sculpt, to determine what it was supposed to look like.Days like it feels when I'm looking for the shadows of the flame of a candle.until the candle turned off, and my world was fog.I did not know or find the sun, with my throbbing eyes and blurred mouth.I refuse to be a victim,I got what I wanted."The floor is not clear enough, clearly." hummed the vacuum-man in provocation.My cracked lips that felt like the hands of an orchestra,who was concentrating to play in rhytmreplied, "Who do you think you are?" though I well knew.On the floor I sensed things which I had left lying,things which I had lost.I could not carry it.My sunrise eyes so nosy around,while I got up and left the past.Weird disguise disguised as herself, but it was all about you."Don't you think", it was written in the cloudless sky,where I got the gift to complete the sentence,to choose the last word that should stand.Dont you think it's a good day, the more it seemed to me.


Here it is, the new/changed one. Do you like this better? Tried to make it more understandable.

 

[DamaraXD]

Can I ask why the title "Ironic Consequence" ?

 

[Jakob]

Cause I smoked weed, cause I wanted out of my reality, away from my problems. Then when I smoked and had my psychosis, My reality was really distant I couldn't recognize it, or locate my reality. So I regret it, and thought, well this is ironic, cause I wanted to get away/have a break from reality, and I did. :/ so it was ironic consequence.

 

[DamaraXD]

I like it.

 

[JonahLynx]

This is pretty good man, seems like being trapped in your thoughts. The vacuum cleaner makes sense but when I first read it I thought it was a scene of someone doing mundane tasks while dwelling on the past. Ah it worked for me anyway lol.