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Hello let me introduce myself....
My name is tania but I go by the name PINK here were I live, just a nickname mates had given me many years ago.
It all started about 18 yrs ago when I had it all,had my adorable son Matthew who was 3 when I met R. He was few years my youth,didn't bother either us, as age is just a number. Those years were peaceful, guess you call it the honeymoon stage. It was just the 3 of us living under same roof.
There was so much laughter and happiness then... to today I have no idea what happened and why....
….I remember day by day I started feeling closed in, feeling suffocated with the conniving things that R would do few days a week to start off with.
Please bare with me on my journey which was a NIGHTMARE!!!!
Every day R would start of with snide remarks, just out of the blue, no idea where that was coming from as not the person I met years ago.
I would soon feel uncomfortable in my own home as R would always sit and glare at me 24/7 from everywhere in the house, not to mention would always be 5 steps behind me when I had go out.
It went from that to be woken by been hit over my head with the yellow pages, swearing and threatening me loud enough for me but to not wake Matthew.
As his idea was to look angelic to Matthew. It may seem hard to believe but was always stalked by him, I could no longer visit mates for I would cop a flogging then. He made sure I knew he was close.
As time went on he then would be cunning an make sure I was the only one to now see the nasty and sick notes he would stick all over my walls,l he would toss spiders in bath when I was in it.
I would lay in bed an wonder what have I done to deserve this, well maybe it's my fault I would think as I cry myself to sleep every night.
Years had passed I was still dealing with this, yet had gotten worse,he was more evil and conniving.
But at this time I was mentally drained and had to keep my son safe from seeing what's happening had to keep him as safe as I thought was to my best ability at that time.
I even shut my friends out, as he also took my address book burnt that along with all my pictures including my ultra sound from my son onwards all went.
By this time I had kept myself locked away in room to feel safe and not too depressed, well I thought that then..little did I know....
Standing at my door was Matthew, “mum can you please come and join me in lounge and have dinner, it's been almost 2 years and not sat together” he said with tears in his eyes.
WOW that just ripped me apart there an then, killed me inside to hear the pain he was feeling.
Reality just hit me big time.....
As I have just seen I shut even my son out my life for that time as well, then I felt like what sort mother am I, do I deserve his love ..NO I thought at that time.
R was glaring at me as I sat with Matthew, I looked at R with such a blank an angry look on my face.
It was hard sitting there, so I went back my room, kissed Matthew on forehead and said I will promise to try a lot more to join you Matthew.
“love you mum” he said as he went off to bed.
Now by this time I was very angry at R and myself for not having strength to get away. My mind was at revenge and a way out ..DRUGS.
Needed something stop this pain I thought...
was already on codeine for my knee as had a full knee reconstruction I had in 1987,the year my son was born.
I started doctor shopping, wow how easy is this I thought.
Told the doctor many lies to get what I needed...I now feel comfortably numb, he cant hurt me his words nothing I would be thinking, as I was off my face.
My sons grades were going down hill as I was informed, he was also working at Hungry Jacks from age of 16, his boss would inform me daily how he was.
I then soon seen it very clear an thought wow look what I'm doing to my son,look what he has to put up with all because R.
I could see the darkness under my sons eyes, his weight dropping. I was so weak no strength to pick myself out this dark hole I am in at the moment.
By months on I was on codeine liquid and then as R got worse and the abuse turned into rape, well I started on cocaine.... what a buzz I thought am superman I thought...was I wrong
It's hard to remember these few years, even though have tried.
I would sell anything to get it, would lie like there was no tomorrow. I would get it.
One day Matthew wasn't at school when picked him up, started spinning out...My phone rang was a mate were Matthew use top visit her son, they went school together.
She said he just showed up here, he looks off his face and was suicidal.
I thought dam how can he smoke pot how dare he.. wow pot calling kettle black.
When I got him. He cried said mum you are never here, you are on a different plannet,you never sit with me whats going on?
Can't take this anymore I thought, he does not deserve this am a pathetic mother.
I kissed him gave his huge hug said” life will be easier soon, promise you this, love you always remamber this”
When we got home I grabbed all my tablets went to park, I woke next day no idea what happened.
Now its few years later and not on drugs, my head is clear and I have a mission...to get away... Matthew an myself chatted for months an months on what to do. Top leave was the only thing, now my son had his good job, now trainee manager, and many friends, he did not want to leave but said I have to, for now and be safe.
Everytime I would try get away after had planned something I would get a bashing, was thinking wow will I ever get out here?
Well finally we found a way after making up a huge story.
So the day came that was sickning, having 20 min with Matthew, knowing going to be long time before can see him again, lucky we secretly got new mobiles new numbers, so stayed in touch at first....
I got to QLD, found myself at at place called Pindari womans refuge.
Didn't sleep for about a week straight, was on edge, missing Matthew so much, no apatite as well. Yet the workers here were very nice and patient. I had many sessions of therapy with M a social worker, got along with her great.
One day I heard a person whisper wow she left her kid... well..
I flew off the chair, pinned her to the wall..then M came out stopped me, after I told her what happened she understood and the other person was spoken to.
Few days later I found myself wanting climb off the story bridge, but someone stopped me.
Taken to hospital then Pindari, yes I had a breakdown...
So deep in hole could not see and feel faith, every sunday the ladies come take us to church service.. well I would give them attitude...
Til one day M asked me, so yes I went to place called Temple in Brisbane CDB, lovely church..
well I was sitting there thinking wish they hurry so I can go and have a smoke this is so boring and stupid...
That soon changed in a heartbeat..'
Standing out front was a lady called Bronwen Healy, she gave her testamony.. wow I had tears rolling down my face, what she endured and won I ran down stairs I wanted meet her. She gave me her book called Trophy Of Grace and wrote in it.. she looked at me said, I can see you do good things and you will in future, then she wrote in my book..says..
DEAR PINK,YOU ARE ABSOLUTE TREASURE!MAY THINGS ALWAYS DRAW YOU TO JESUS.LOOK FARWARD TO DOING THE JOURNEY WITH YOU. BRONWEN.
...Even though I was baptised in Adelaide Crusade Centre when I was about 17, that all vanished when I was stuck in dark pit for 12 years, took 5 to escape..but I did.My poetry I now help in different causes to help abused woman, I do Reclaim The Night.
So my poetry has helped me through many times.
So then I started helping many others and that also helped me with many deep issues.
So now Matthew, well we talk but every now and then he pulls away, but we never give up and now we are talking a lot more and that feels unreal.
So there is a lot I have missed out, meaning what R did,but I could not put in here for people read... I have it on paper, but I aim to do next one at Hillsong.
And I am now safe all because Jesus, I thank him for rescuing me and showing me through Bronwens eyes that I too can survive.
Thank you for reading this.... much appreciated.. mwah