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I've been married for only 5 months. My husband and I knew who each other were for about 4 years but didn't know each other that well. We got together a year ago and it was a whirlwind engagement and matrimony. What I knew going into this marriage is that he is an alcoholic and he lies about it. He told me that himself and it has been my experience. This is my first marriage and his 4th. He came with an 11 year old daughter who's never had a mother before and already looks up to me and respects me. I have no intention of walking away from this family. Already I imagine you are judging me and thinking I was stupid in the first place to marry an alcoholic who's been divorced 3 times already. That doesn't matter now and I wouldn't change it if I could. I still love him with my whole heart and I want this marriage to work, as does he. Despite being an alcoholic there is no abuse directed at me or his daughter. He is not violent when drunk or in withdrawals (and of course not sober either.) What I need wisdom with is my own attitude toward him when certain things happen. I can't talk to anyone close to me because I do my best to maintain other's respect of my husband at all times and asking for help would only tarnish that persons view of my husband because of what I would have to reveal.
The biggest issue is his drinking of course and I know that everything stems from that. That I have accepted and try to support him on his ever going quest to quit. I financed two rehabs for him. The first he stayed for the full month and got sober. He only managed to stay sober for a month after that. Then he agreed to go back but only stayed two weeks, after which he was only able to stay sober for two week. Please understand that I am not the one forcing him to quit drinking. I will do things to help him when he asks for it, otherwise I do things to protect the family. he wants badly to quit. He hates his drinking, he hates the prison of addiction. His last counselor told me she'd never seen anyone with as strong of an addiction as he has. For the most part he is an honest person. He only lies about his drinking. Which I am finding can extend into a broader area around drinking. He is driven by alcohol. Most of what he does seems to be done as a way or means to get alcohol. He is only in his early 40s but his liver is already so bad that just before the last rehab, the last time I took him to ER for detox the doctor told me he doesn't have another recovery in him. He was that close to death. I do not want to become a co-dependent. I am concerned for my husband's health and the wellbeing of his daughter if he should drink himself to death. How do I respond to these situations in love without becoming controlling? In times of sobriety he asks me for help. But when I help he becomes angry that I am controlling.
I work full time. He is unemployed but still brings in an income because of a separate disability that is not a result of or affected by his drinking. His income is less than mine. Because he is often out of commission on a drinking binge I am the responsible one who manages our finances and pays the bills, but because he is the stay at home spouse he needs access to the finances to buy the groceries and manage the household. The problem with this is that with access to our accounts he manages to spend upward of $500 a month on booze when he's in a drinking spell. At $35,000 a year for a family of 3 you can imagine how we can't afford that. Last month when it got out of control I took away his debit card and gave him a cash allowance so he wouldn't over spend again. In addition to spending the $100 he also got a credit card and charged over $200 on it in just 7 days. before he got the card he borrowed money from his daughter (her allowance from previous months) told her it was for food but spent it on booze and then paid her back. He lied to me about it and made her lie to me about it. All for booze. He lied to me about where he got the money for different things I saw he had bought. I'm already trying to pay off 2 credit cards we had from our wedding and buying a second car from a friend so I could drive myself to work again, plus extensive medical bills he's incurred from numerous visits to the ER and Urgent Care from even before I met him, plus the rehab... I could go on. I had a plan that would get us out of all that debt in two years but now he's added another credit card to that and I'm very frustrated. I don't know how to approach him about his lying to me. I don't know what my attitude should be. I don't believe he will stop lying. We have fought a lot lately because of his drinking and finances and his lying to me. I just want a happy marriage and a stable environment for his daughter. How can I deal with this in a Christ like manner?
The biggest issue is his drinking of course and I know that everything stems from that. That I have accepted and try to support him on his ever going quest to quit. I financed two rehabs for him. The first he stayed for the full month and got sober. He only managed to stay sober for a month after that. Then he agreed to go back but only stayed two weeks, after which he was only able to stay sober for two week. Please understand that I am not the one forcing him to quit drinking. I will do things to help him when he asks for it, otherwise I do things to protect the family. he wants badly to quit. He hates his drinking, he hates the prison of addiction. His last counselor told me she'd never seen anyone with as strong of an addiction as he has. For the most part he is an honest person. He only lies about his drinking. Which I am finding can extend into a broader area around drinking. He is driven by alcohol. Most of what he does seems to be done as a way or means to get alcohol. He is only in his early 40s but his liver is already so bad that just before the last rehab, the last time I took him to ER for detox the doctor told me he doesn't have another recovery in him. He was that close to death. I do not want to become a co-dependent. I am concerned for my husband's health and the wellbeing of his daughter if he should drink himself to death. How do I respond to these situations in love without becoming controlling? In times of sobriety he asks me for help. But when I help he becomes angry that I am controlling.
I work full time. He is unemployed but still brings in an income because of a separate disability that is not a result of or affected by his drinking. His income is less than mine. Because he is often out of commission on a drinking binge I am the responsible one who manages our finances and pays the bills, but because he is the stay at home spouse he needs access to the finances to buy the groceries and manage the household. The problem with this is that with access to our accounts he manages to spend upward of $500 a month on booze when he's in a drinking spell. At $35,000 a year for a family of 3 you can imagine how we can't afford that. Last month when it got out of control I took away his debit card and gave him a cash allowance so he wouldn't over spend again. In addition to spending the $100 he also got a credit card and charged over $200 on it in just 7 days. before he got the card he borrowed money from his daughter (her allowance from previous months) told her it was for food but spent it on booze and then paid her back. He lied to me about it and made her lie to me about it. All for booze. He lied to me about where he got the money for different things I saw he had bought. I'm already trying to pay off 2 credit cards we had from our wedding and buying a second car from a friend so I could drive myself to work again, plus extensive medical bills he's incurred from numerous visits to the ER and Urgent Care from even before I met him, plus the rehab... I could go on. I had a plan that would get us out of all that debt in two years but now he's added another credit card to that and I'm very frustrated. I don't know how to approach him about his lying to me. I don't know what my attitude should be. I don't believe he will stop lying. We have fought a lot lately because of his drinking and finances and his lying to me. I just want a happy marriage and a stable environment for his daughter. How can I deal with this in a Christ like manner?
