If you're in this situation in the first place then you're probably not confident of where you are in Christ in the first place. The problem here is that you're stressing yourself in so many different ways of how you can deal with this dilemma in your own strength. You might think "perhaps if I continue going to church then the answer will come", but then the answer doesn't come and you look into yourself, thinking "I should be a better Christian" - all of sudden you're occupied with yourself and you feel like there's too little time to deal with everything happening, and you need to take things into your own hands because you don't have the time to reconcile yourself with God but everything is going down so fast so you just want to make your own solutions and deal with it later.
I can tell you that this cycle will only repeat itself. Whether you stay with your wife, leave her or spend the next 15 years indecisive of either, I can tell you that unless you can come to peace with what Jesus has done for you and rest in his finished work, you will always think that there is something more you could be doing in order to attain a higher status with God to overcome your problems. Only by abiding in Him, can He abide in you.
How can you abide in Him? By receiving the gift of righteousness in His finished work which will also hold the power for you to overcome the problems in your flesh. There's nothing you can do to increase or decrease the relationship you have with God because you were already reconciled with Him when you were enemies. You're dead in the flesh and alive in the Spirit, so don't live as if you're dead in the flesh. You might think "Well, what else could I possibly do? I know that Jesus died for me, there's nothing else that I could do to gain a clearer understanding of that." ... This is fools talk. Paul says to continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, there is no limit to how much you can gain in the knowledge of the finished work of Christ through revelation of His death.
I suggest you pick up your Bible and begin to read through Romans. The fact that you're concerned with our opinion of these problems shows that you're putting more faith in us than you're putting faith in the encapsulation of the Kingdom that you possess - I'm not criticizing you for posting, because if you didn't ask this, then you wouldn't be able to hear this message based on what you asked. But the solution isn't in yourself or anything you can do.
It's about understanding who you are in Christ and beginning to walk in that faith. Open your Bible and ask the Holy Spirit to teach you, ask Him to convict you of your righteousness in Christ so that you can begin to discern all things through the cross. You're American so your church more than likely, if you've talked to them about these things, will tell you that the problem lies within you - this is law preaching and puts a veil over your heart the same way that Moses wore a veil when he brought the commandments down. There is complete love, joy and reconciliation between you and God right now and the only thing that can stop you from claiming that is your mind and falling deeper into the trap of legalism which the devil so passionately pursues to convict people of. We are under the New Covenant and you have the power to reign over all that you are going through.
Begin to look to Jesus in a new light, open your Bible and as I said - read through the book of Romans. Filter it through the cross, learn about who you are and your inheritance. Then you will have what you need to walk in the Spirit and discern all things, and your love will be a light to all around you, even your wife will feel your presence. You won't need to ask these questions because you will be led by the Holy Spirit - and you are in Spirit to this day. So stop acting like you're in the flesh. Jesus has overcome everything for you, and you have an opportunity now to make your heart about Him, and then when you learn about how loved and unconditionally righteous you are, HE will make it about you.
If you'd like to talk at any point, please do inbox me. You can add me on Skype as well - just inbox me your username if you'd like to talk. I'll pray for you that you receive revelation of the love of Christ, so that you learn about who you actually are. You're above this, and your destiny is to reign above what you're going through.
