Newlyweds and mother-inlaw. Help!

[rccola]

I'll start of with the basics. I'm 23 my husband is 22. I grew up in a christian household and he didn't. My entire family lives 2, 000 miles away. We lived together for 3 years before we got married and for the past year his mother has lived with us. We've been married 4 months. My husband is a "newer" believer now.
Ok, so his mom is in her sixties. She's been a smoker for 45+ years. She has COPD and basically no immune system. For the past year we've turned into her slaves. We don't mind helping (grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, cleaning etc) but it's turned into every minute of our day revolves around her. And she constantly finds fault in everything we do. She's moody and manipulative. I wasn't raised in this type of environment and I'm becoming very unhappy. We mentioned getting our own place but still helping her and she had a meltdown crying. She ended up guilting her son so bad and now he feels obligated to take care of her.
I just want to join a church with my husband. Have our own house. Watch a movie with just us. Cook dinner together. But I can't because his mom is literally 2ft from us at all times or doesn't want him going to church. I can't even cuddle him at night without her barely knocking once and opening our bedroom door! It's such a turnoff and makes me not want to try.
She can feed herself, shower, get dressed, and drive. I don't think it's fair to take care of her just yet. And I know she's been abusing her power with us. What do I do? My husband thinks she's going to die in a couple years (I think she has been 5-10) and loves his mom so much! But what about our marriage? What about building our life together in a healthy way for once??

 

[damombomb]

I would get my own place and maby get her some help somehow. That way their is no hard feelings.

 

[jogoldie]

Hey little sister......I live with my daughter and husband...all our choices.....we live in harmony....
I even offer to move out...but they say we're family and it works.....that being said....
this woman is wrong....first off we all help with the children...and all help around the house...
I never go against the rules for the house they have set.......I offer no advice unless asked...
I have never knocked or even like entering their room....if an argument between them happens ..
the children and I find something to do...and I stay out of it....I take no sides.....there must be
rules to follow for harmony in the home.....I ask for nothing. ..yet when I need something
they always seem to know...I got hit by a car and broke the left side of my body....
Thank God....they were there to help...but as soon as was able to get arround...I was back
to the laundry and children...and doing what I could....the two of you should pray for these
things...then agree on boundries and if she wants to continue the lifestyle she must agree...
tell her your room is off limits...if she really must interupt you....text.....a whole day goes
by with hardly interacting here.....I have a life and its not theirs...she needs to let you have yours..
You might hurt her feelings.....but speak up.....and if she refuses to comply...I would find
my own place....tears or not....
Peace ...jo
Btw...you are not asking for much...and I think you are right...I pray this works out for you....

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'll start of with the basics. I'm 23 my husband is 22. I grew up in a christian household and he didn't. My entire family lives 2, 000 miles away. We lived together for 3 years before we got married and for the past year his mother has lived with us. We've been married 4 months. My husband is a "newer" believer now.
Ok, so his mom is in her sixties. She's been a smoker for 45+ years. She has COPD and basically no immune system. For the past year we've turned into her slaves. We don't mind helping (grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, cleaning etc) but it's turned into every minute of our day revolves around her. And she constantly finds fault in everything we do. She's moody and manipulative. I wasn't raised in this type of environment and I'm becoming very unhappy. We mentioned getting our own place but still helping her and she had a meltdown crying. She ended up guilting her son so bad and now he feels obligated to take care of her.
I just want to join a church with my husband. Have our own house. Watch a movie with just us. Cook dinner together. But I can't because his mom is literally 2ft from us at all times or doesn't want him going to church. I can't even cuddle him at night without her barely knocking once and opening our bedroom door! It's such a turnoff and makes me not want to try.
She can feed herself, shower, get dressed, and drive. I don't think it's fair to take care of her just yet. And I know she's been abusing her power with us. What do I do? My husband thinks she's going to die in a couple years (I think she has been 5-10) and loves his mom so much! But what about our marriage? What about building our life together in a healthy way for once??

If she is able to feed herself, shower and get dressed by herself, then that is good. That means she can start getting her own meals instead of being catered to 24-7. Since she can drive, then she surely is able to go pick up her own prescriptions. She sounds like she's become completely reliant on you and hubby to do EVERYTHING for her! Don't keep letting her manipulate you like this. Set down some ground rules and make sure she understands and follows them. Number one on that list should be no coming into your bedroom at night when you and hubby are in bed!!

This is YOUR house, not HERS. Make that fact clear to her. It sounds like maybe she needs her own place with a nurse to come by for a few hours a day to help her out. She is definitely manipulating her son into feeling guilty but he needs to realize that unless the two of you put up a united front of this, she will control you until she dies, which if her COPD is fairly advanced, is'nt too far off into the future. Tell her she needs to start doing more for herself, such as going to get her own prescriptions and doing some light cleaning, or at least wash the dinner dishes. Just because she has an illness should not keep her from helping herself to get (somewhat) better. She is NOT a complete invalid.

You and your husband need to get back to your own lives and focus on that, not be completely fixated on helping her through what remains of her life. Help her, yes, but stop coddling her like you have been or you'll be her slave til the end.

 

[tourist]

I'll start of with the basics. I'm 23 my husband is 22. I grew up in a christian household and he didn't. My entire family lives 2, 000 miles away. We lived together for 3 years before we got married and for the past year his mother has lived with us. We've been married 4 months. My husband is a "newer" believer now.
Ok, so his mom is in her sixties. She's been a smoker for 45+ years. She has COPD and basically no immune system. For the past year we've turned into her slaves. We don't mind helping (grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, cleaning etc) but it's turned into every minute of our day revolves around her. And she constantly finds fault in everything we do. She's moody and manipulative. I wasn't raised in this type of environment and I'm becoming very unhappy. We mentioned getting our own place but still helping her and she had a meltdown crying. She ended up guilting her son so bad and now he feels obligated to take care of her.
I just want to join a church with my husband. Have our own house. Watch a movie with just us. Cook dinner together. But I can't because his mom is literally 2ft from us at all times or doesn't want him going to church. I can't even cuddle him at night without her barely knocking once and opening our bedroom door! It's such a turnoff and makes me not want to try.
She can feed herself, shower, get dressed, and drive. I don't think it's fair to take care of her just yet. And I know she's been abusing her power with us. What do I do? My husband thinks she's going to die in a couple years (I think she has been 5-10) and loves his mom so much! But what about our marriage? What about building our life together in a healthy way for once??

First - you do not have to tolerate this. Second - your husband needs to man up. This is an untenable situation. If she is otherwise healthy she needs to do everything possible for herself. Perhaps your husband could put her up in a tent in the backyard so that you two can have some privacy at night. It is alright for your husband to love his mother but he needs to love you even more as his wife and to put you first in all things. It is not your place to set the ground rules but your husband's. As a last resort I would give him an ultimatum. It's your way or the highway.

 

[presidente]

I'm imagining this elderly woman I worked with for a few days who had the most complaining mouth I think I've ever encountered. Her son-in-law had had to put up with it for years and was very empathetic and understood our letting her go. I can't imagine living with someone like that long term, if she's anything like this other lady.

Your husband is going to have to have a talk with her about the complaining. You or he can also tell her that if she wants to have any grand children, she's going to have to give you two a lot of space and free time together.

Also, make sure you get a lock for the bedroom door if you don't already and use it. Get one of those hotel 'do not disturb' signs and explain what it means, or make one.

If you need some space to get away from her, you can just make use of the sign.

 

[Ugly]

At the end of the day it's your husbands responsibility to step up to his own mother and do something. Both as her son and as the head of the household. Unfortunately you picked someone who is not ready to be the spiritual head, which means you must be. But you've started this relationship off teaching him unGodly principles to begin with. So you have some disadvantage there.
From what i understand of most relationships that are like this, the spouse ends up being frustrated and making ultimatums to their spouse to more or less choose between the parent or the spouse. Your husband has already proven he will do nothing under the current circumstances. Ultimatums are really not great for a relationship though, so you're in a catch-22. And providing an ultimatum doesn't mean he will side with you, either. You run the risk of him picking the parent over you. There pretty much is no easy way around this. She won't change, and there's a 50/50 chance he'll side with her if you put pressure on him. Really, it seems, is how long you are willing to continue putting up with such things before you get sick of it.

 

[BlackPlatypus]

She's dying and she's selfish.And she's in her 60's. She's known your husband as a son longer than you've known him as a boyfriend and husband combined. And she knows where his buttons are.

The scriptures say when a man marries he leaves his family and begins his life with his wife.

Someone who smokes for 45 years killed themselves one pack at a time. They made that choice. Now, rather than be grateful for the gift of help in the state of health she's in, your mother-in-law is hateful, mean, ungrateful, absuive, and selfish. That's why she went into the crying guilt trip when you made mention of leaving her on her own.

Consider if she can condemn the help you're giving her, she can take care of herself.

Does she still smoke?

Also, second hand smoke can kill you too. You're way to young to lose yourselves to someone who wants to suck the life out of you because she wants to continue being selfish and ungrateful. His mother is going to die. What you suffer before then is what you're going to have to live with for the rest of your lives. Together or apart.

At this point a Christian reading this would tell me that I should consider the old axiom, WWJD? What would Jesus do.
He'd lay his hands on the woman and cure her and tell her to go forth and sin no more. (And don't smoke!) At least that's what I'd imagine given the scriptures.

But he also said this: Matthew 19:5 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Nor mother-in-law ;-))
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.


My mother-in-law is the poster child for self-absorbed. Long story short, I'll tell you that a hateful mother-in-law, a selfish mother-in-law, can destroy the relationship her children find for themselves. Because she has always had control of her child before that. And a spouse or girlfriend isn't anything that is going to change that fact in her mind.

The selfish mother-in-law believes she comes first in her child's life. No matter how old he gets. And yes, when she gets sick she becomes scared. Because her own independence and power to live her life as she wills is suddenly not so strong anymore.

But this is not your responsibility. You are so young. Don't let a life you plan to live together for the rest of your lives, which can be 50 or more years, be destroyed by someone who can write a legacy as she departs this world that says, while she was dying from the COPD she acquired through her own choice of bad habits, she took her son's marriage with her.

Hateful people can cause you to hate. Because the abuse doesn't let up. And when it does, that passive aggressive personality that comes into play starts to break down your good nature.
And whatever you do don't let the one excuse that can destroy a relationship the quickest enter in. Making the concession to stay in a life, serving her, that you don't want to do, because your husband argues she's not got that much time left. And what's it hurt to stay and care for her in the meantime till then when you'll have the rest of your lives spanning decades to be together.

As if sacrificing your joy and happiness to enter into a living hell for a few years is do-able.

Trust the experience I've lived through to at least advise you this. It isn't do-able. It is a long slow demise that takes and doesn't give back in return. Your love for one another being supplanted by agitation and manipulation that only loves itself at your expense will suffer greatly. And a son is loyal to his mother first. When a son believes he has to choose it can get very ugly.

His mother would qualify for disability. There are home nursing aids that are far better equipped to care for her than are the two of you.

Follow your dreams together. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his mother. It means he loves his life with you enough to realize his mother can take care of herself when she can care to be ungrateful and abusive when cared for by others.

May God guide your steps. (HUG) I will hold you in my prayers.

I'll start of with the basics. I'm 23 my husband is 22. I grew up in a christian household and he didn't. My entire family lives 2, 000 miles away. We lived together for 3 years before we got married and for the past year his mother has lived with us. We've been married 4 months. My husband is a "newer" believer now.
Ok, so his mom is in her sixties. She's been a smoker for 45+ years. She has COPD and basically no immune system. For the past year we've turned into her slaves. We don't mind helping (grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, cleaning etc) but it's turned into every minute of our day revolves around her. And she constantly finds fault in everything we do. She's moody and manipulative. I wasn't raised in this type of environment and I'm becoming very unhappy. We mentioned getting our own place but still helping her and she had a meltdown crying. She ended up guilting her son so bad and now he feels obligated to take care of her.
I just want to join a church with my husband. Have our own house. Watch a movie with just us. Cook dinner together. But I can't because his mom is literally 2ft from us at all times or doesn't want him going to church. I can't even cuddle him at night without her barely knocking once and opening our bedroom door! It's such a turnoff and makes me not want to try.
She can feed herself, shower, get dressed, and drive. I don't think it's fair to take care of her just yet. And I know she's been abusing her power with us. What do I do? My husband thinks she's going to die in a couple years (I think she has been 5-10) and loves his mom so much! But what about our marriage? What about building our life together in a healthy way for once??

 

[rccola]

I was kind of afraid to post on this Christian forum expecting harsh judgement and shame due to my honesty in the first paragraph...but most who responded offered great advice and support. I believe God can use any bad situation for His glory and that's what God has done in my husband's life and mine. My husband is a very hard worker, kind to everyone, giving, compassionate, and most of all selfless. He agrees with how I feel and he wants what I want but I feel horrible making him choose. And it weighs on me that she is not saved and I know God has been using me in her life. But somewhere between my husbands huge heart and me trying to be "perfect" we've ended up here. I've been praying about it and I think Christian counseling would be perfect. It would get us out of this bubble we're in and help my husband grow spiritually. I don't care how unhappy I feel at times I will not throw in the towel over this. I've experienced way worse trials throughout my life.

Ps yes his mom still smokes

 

[Angela53510]

I think you have married a mama's boy, and this will not end till she dies. Anything you do to free your husband from his mom, is just going to end up driving a wedge between the two of you.

Get some counselling for yourself on how to deal with this terrible situation. And pray God uses this tough time to change your character into a loving, Christ-like person.

And just why were you living together if you say you are a Christian? (Someone needed to talk about the elephant in the OP!). Surely you figured this out before you married this man?

 

[tourist]

I think you have married a mama's boy, and this will not end till she dies. Anything you do to free your husband from his mom, is just going to end up driving a wedge between the two of you.

Get some counselling for yourself on how to deal with this terrible situation. And pray God uses this tough time to change your character into a loving, Christ-like person.

And just why were you living together if you say you are a Christian? (Someone needed to talk about the elephant in the OP!). Surely you figured this out before you married this man?

I am in compete agreement with you.