J
I'm not very good at describing how I'm feeling. I often say "Im fine" because in my vocabulary fine has grown to mean, "Im still alive." So as of now I'm sad, a bit overwhelmed, more than a bit shamed, and ill. Much of this has to do with my medical condition. I could experience all that I'm experiencing now and feel optimistic. I don't struggle with identifying it or bringing it to Jesus, but due to my illness, it becomes this gigantic unnamable and suffocating mass. This probably mmakes very little sense to most of you.
1). Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to check the court website. To my amazement, my divorce passed through the judge. It will be complete on April 25. I can only describe it as giving birth. I was laughing and crying simulataneously. I was so fractic, I actually went running at 10pm in the freezing rain.
2). Now this may seem ridiculous to most of you, but I'm am really struggling with body image. My diet had to change when I lost my medical coverage. All the dietary changes have probably put my body into shock. So I gained weight. Now if I tell you I gained about 5 lbs. most people just laugh because 5lbs doesn't seem like much. I too used to laugh at people who complained about 5lbs. But the truth is 5lbs is a lot more when you're 130lbs versus when you're 180lbs. However, to me 5lbs seems like 100lbs. No matter what I do it won't go away. I run about 12 miles a week and walk another 20-30 miles. I eat well. But nothing. I feel like my body just has a mind of its own. If you think I just gained muscle, I wish that were the case. I track measurements and sizes. Nothing has gotten smaller. Call me anal retentive, I live by it honestly. I am a recovering anorexic and bulimic so I am at this point constantly fighting the desire to purge or completely stop eating. I am also a perfectionist with a tendency to take out any failings on myself, even the failings of others against me.
3). Because my physical health has been so bad lately, some ladies took notice and have gathered a prayer team for me this Sunday. I have no idea who will be there, but I do know there's quite a group gathering.
1). Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to check the court website. To my amazement, my divorce passed through the judge. It will be complete on April 25. I can only describe it as giving birth. I was laughing and crying simulataneously. I was so fractic, I actually went running at 10pm in the freezing rain.
2). Now this may seem ridiculous to most of you, but I'm am really struggling with body image. My diet had to change when I lost my medical coverage. All the dietary changes have probably put my body into shock. So I gained weight. Now if I tell you I gained about 5 lbs. most people just laugh because 5lbs doesn't seem like much. I too used to laugh at people who complained about 5lbs. But the truth is 5lbs is a lot more when you're 130lbs versus when you're 180lbs. However, to me 5lbs seems like 100lbs. No matter what I do it won't go away. I run about 12 miles a week and walk another 20-30 miles. I eat well. But nothing. I feel like my body just has a mind of its own. If you think I just gained muscle, I wish that were the case. I track measurements and sizes. Nothing has gotten smaller. Call me anal retentive, I live by it honestly. I am a recovering anorexic and bulimic so I am at this point constantly fighting the desire to purge or completely stop eating. I am also a perfectionist with a tendency to take out any failings on myself, even the failings of others against me.
3). Because my physical health has been so bad lately, some ladies took notice and have gathered a prayer team for me this Sunday. I have no idea who will be there, but I do know there's quite a group gathering.
