Over anxious Christian mother.

[NeedingGuidance]

Alright, this is the first time that I've ever tried to seek advice on this matter, even though it's been happening for quite some time. I'm 21 and I still live with my parents. I love and respect them greatly, however my mother has an extreme anxiety disorder. Here's an example: I work at a cafe, which is obviously a pretty safe job, aside from the occasional knife cut while making a sandwich, and sometimes I get kept at work for a few minutes. I always call my mom when I'm leaving work, because I know that she likes to know when I'm on my way home so that she can know when I get home safe. (It's like her mind makes up crazy, grizzly scenarios when I don't text her. Like me, dead on the side of the road somewhere). So, as I said, sometimes I get off a little bit late. If I don't notify her and let her know, she will call me. Over and over and over, until I answer. It's nonstop. I understand why she worries, I really get it. But sometimes I can't answer, and if I tell her that, or even let out that I'm a bit frustrated, it's like I'm in the wrong. I can't even tell her that her worrying so much is overbearing. She sometimes leaves for a weekend to babysit my nephew, and she will call me at 5 a.m. every morning to make sure I didn't die in my sleep, and to make sure that the doors are locked, we live in a very safe area, mind you. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't want to fight with her, so I just give in and enable this behavior, but I know that it can't happen for forever. I'm not even allowed to be out late with friends because she can't sleep when I'm not home. Like I said, I'm 21. Honestly I just know that I need this to change. I'm afraid that the only way to change it will be to have some huge blow out between us. I don't want our relationship to change, though. I need help. Are there any parents who've gone through the same thing, or any adults who have had to deal with this?

 

[Angela53510]

First, you cannot change your mom, only yourself! And that with God's help!

Your mom is suffering from a mental illness. My mom also has an anxiety disorder, but it manifests in different ways than yours. She needs professional help. A blow out will do nothing but damage your relationship.

So you really have 2 choices -
1. Accept your mom the way she is. Turn off the phone if you want to sleep past 5 am.
2. Move out. I guarantee that once you are not under her roof, she will probably let go a bit. If this is not possible because of finances, then you are stuck with choice #1.

There are some drugs that may help your mom, but only if she recognizes that what she is doing isn't normal, and she is willing to work with a therapist.

Sorry for the bad news!

 

[NeedingGuidance]

My mom is actually a psychologist. I know I can't change her, I don't think she can change her, but it's almost as if she's enabling herself. The more she gives into the worry, the more she worries.
I can't turn my phone off, because she will call the police. Guaranteed. If she can't get ahold of me, she panics. I feel like these can't be my only options, though.

 

[Ugly]

Well, someone who has worry/anxiety issues has a cycle in their brain. Its not really enabling yourself as being blind. A huge difference. But no change can happen for a person if they don't first see there is a problem and acknowledge it. And until she does you either have to give in to her or fight her at every turn.
It sounds like she may possibly have an OCD tied in to her worry. In reality she needs help to change. A professional of some kind.

 

[NeedingGuidance]

She knows she has a problem. Completely admits to it. She even told my boyfriend when she met him "I'm anxious and worry too much. I call her a lot." etc. etc. Like I said, she has her masters degree and is a psychologist. She's psychoanalyzed most everything.
I've never fought her on it. Honestly I'm scared that she won't let me out of the house or won't let me back in. I'm just so frustrated. I've never let that on to her, though. I'm afraid. I don't want to hurt or upset her. But she needs to somehow see how this isn't a healthy way to live. For either of us.

 

[notuptome]

As difficult as it is now I can only imagine how difficult it will be when you no longer have her to worry about you. That said you could tell her that the Lord is with you everywhere you go and nothing can happen that He does not allow. The only thing better that worry and anxiety is prayer. She can pray for you and have a greater effect than if she worries. Works both ways you know. Attempt to direct her energy into something useful.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Agricola]

Is moving out a realistic option?

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Heh this is a very interesting topic here for me to read because my own mother is pretty much the complete opposite.

Personally I don't think your mom is mentally ill nor do I think she is in the wrong on this. Your mom is probably very aware of the evils of this world, hence her worrying. You said she is a psychologist, so she most likely has had exposure to some of the wilder personalities of this world. Plus the fact she is older (not too sure how old), the older folk grew up in a very wild time era, that 1950s-1980s. So she by her own eyes has probably witnessed many things that make the stomach turn and the mind boggle.

I wonder if her own mother was as over-protective of her as she is with you. Perhaps not would be my guess (or maybe she was and your mom rebelled which is quite natural for the Boomer and Xer generation, and even our own generation.) I know my own mother's parents were over-protective and she became something of a little rebel in the 1970s which led to her parenting style pretty much being to let me do pretty much whatever I want, giving me only three rules 1. don't die, 2. don't get anyone pregnant, 3. don't go to jail. Though I respected these rules, I myself have been witness to the many flaws of this world and know many a girl and boy that have done wicked things and have had evil done unto them (the vast majority at that.)

I think if I were a father and had a daughter, after what I have seen and heard happen to so many gals I know, I would probably be just like your mom instead of being like my own mom. It's a strange and curious irony that I notice with me and my peers that those who are often raised strictly tend to abhor all that strictness, and those not raised strictly often crave that strictness and the structure it brings.

My advice would be to calmly talk to her about this issue. I would say still allow her to check up on you, always play by her rules even if the rules are unjust, but maybe ask her to be a little more lenient on her check-up rules (to grant for circumstances like working late or phone malfunction.)

In fact a good starting point before even negotiating would be to ask about her own life for when she was a young woman at your age. It might be quite revealing indeed and through that learning maybe you could make sensible compromise more tailored to your and hers specific situation since you would have greater understanding.

Remember it is natural for a good parent to worry about their child, especially a daughter in this day and age. I would say be thankful indeed, most people I know don't have a parent that cares if they even live or die. It's a sad fact of this modern world, but it is a fact. It's a very good thing that your mom cares much about you, so from the understanding that she loves you, I think you two could build off of that to make things more tolerable for both of you.

Hope any of this advice can help. Of all the statements I think getting to know your mom's own life story for when she was your age would probably be the most helpful since that will build understanding and from understanding you can build wisdom and from wisdom you two can work out a deal that works for the good for you both (win-win situation.)

 

[Spark]

Wow. All us Mums worry about our children and it can be a bit stormy going through changes and having to adapt to those new changes as your child grows up. I am currently learning for the first time to be a Mum of a 25 year old who is getting married. I have had to let go some more as she and her fiance decide how they want their wedding and support them in their decisions. I have also been worried with her at uni on her own as a Christian girl living with a bunch of very worldly youths who spent the most part of their uni coming in at early hours of the morning drunk. It's tough being a Mum. You will always worry for your baby until you die. It is natural but as parents we have to deal with our feelings and realize that being a good parent means you have so many years to put in the ground work and then you have to gently start giving your child more responsibility as they grow so that when they do reach 18, they are capable adults, able to look after them selves with your support when asked for. That comes with trust on both parts.
However, it does sound like your Mum has a condition that you and your family are aware of. Does she have help with this and do you have another family member she lives with, a father or a partner or is it just you and her? This is going to be harder for you then the average older child/ mother relationship as she probably can't develop and put in place strategies to deal with worry that us Mums have to do. She does need help with this and so do you. You need support. You love your Mum very much but you also have the natural pulls to becoming independent which all 21 year olds have and you should have independents.
I feel for your own sanity you need to build up strategies your self, as you probably have done, to cope with her worry but you also need to start laying the law down or giving bonderies . At 21 it is absolutely ok to let your parents know that you wish things to be a certain way.
eg 'I will not be phoning you until I am leaving work . If you don't hear from me then I am working late and am not allowed to use my phone until I am off duty. ' Then do switch off your phone until you are leaving. Ring and let her know you are coming home as you said, and then reassure when you get home. If you don't start doing this, your mum will have you running in circles. You have to be the strong one. Cruel to be kind but when there are rules involved and you carry them out and stick to them, it makes people feel more secure.
You can do this in a loving but firm way.
Of course the one important thing in all this is prayer to God . You also need the back up of church family to pray with and for you. Prayer is very powerful. God is very powerful. He can move mountains and calm seas and he is faithful and willing. Submit it all to God, actually hand it over and then rely on Jesus equipping you with His strength. Rely on Him who knows all about this problem and knows how to help the whole situation . Bless you
1 Thes 5:8 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. God gave you your Mum for a purpose.

 

[NeedingGuidance]

I don't want you to misunderstand me at all. I actually have a very close relationship with my mother. I know many details of her childhood, and her teenage/young adult years. Her mom, my nana, was in fact very strict. She was extremely overbearing, and I have my mom on quote saying that she doesn't want to be like that. My dad is actually a child abuse/adult assault detective in law enforcement. I think my entire family is aware of the many danger that are out there, however, her worries don't just reach to me being in the world alone, she will call 3-4 times before I even get to my destination that is 30 minutes away. I can be with people, driving an hour away and I still get non-stop calls and texts, or even if I am at my destination safely, she will call me throughout the function that I'm at. It's almost as if I'm never safe enough for her.
Don't get me wrong, like I said, we are very close. I appreciate the fact that she worries for me, I do not, however feel like I can blossom as an adult, when I'm being held onto so tightly that I can't make my own decisions.

 

[Angela53510]

This is definitely OCD combined with an Anxiety Disorder, which is an Axis 2 mental illness.

The more people with OCD give into their obsession, the deeper it is engrained in their minds. The more they do it, the harder it is to break the habit.

I think it is nice when people care about their adult children, but calling you every time you are out of direct contact is obsessive and compulsive.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder characterized by persistent intrusive ideas, thoughts, impulses or images (obsessions) which often result in performing compulsive rituals over and over again. Typical compulsions are washing, checking and arranging things, and counting. These actions give individuals with OCD only temporary relief from their anxiety. With early diagnosis and the right treatment, people can avoid the suffering that comes with OCD.
Anxiety Disorders
Although researchers don’t know exactly why some people experience anxiety disorders, they do know that there are various factors involved. Like many other mental health conditions, anxiety disorders seem to be a result of a combination of biological, psychological, and other individual factors.
How we think and react to certain situations can affect anxiety. Some people may perceive certain situations to be more dangerous than they actually are (e.g., fear of flying). Others may have had a bad experience and they fear this will happen again (e.g., a dog bite). Some psychologists believe that childhood experiences can also contribute to anxiety.
Researchers know that problems with brain chemistry can contribute to the development of anxiety disorders. Certain neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) in the brain involved in anxiety include serotonin, norepinephrine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). Researchers have also shown that changes in activity in certain areas of the brain are involved in anxiety. Many anxiety disorders run in families and likely have a genetic cause.
Certain medical conditions such as anemia and thyroid problems can also cause symptoms of anxiety. As well, other factors such as caffeine, alcohol, and certain medications can cause anxiety symptoms.
Traumatic life events such as the death of a family member, witnessing a death, war, and natural disasters such as hurricanes and earthquakes may trigger anxiety disorders.
http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/anxiety-disorders/

Any ideas why your mom might be anxious? My mom was raised in the depression, lacked adequate food, as well as having a father with undiagnosed PTSD from what he witnessed as a soldier in WWI. I think your mom has lots of head knowledge, but is not applying it to her life and obsessions. Have you sat down and talked with her about how you feel, and about her getting help? You may be the best resource she has to help her get help for this serious condition.

 

[NeedingGuidance]

She lost her father and her grandmother, who was the person that was there for her throughout her entire life. I think she's terrified of losing me, honestly. I've tried talking with her about it. She gets offended easily, and angers quickly. I don't think she will see how it's unhealthy unless a third party were to point it out. A professional, perhaps. Or maybe someone from the church. I am praying about it. I just ask that anyone who reads this, would maybe send out a prayer for my situation. I realize how minuscule my problems are when compared to others, but your prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[sc81]

well I think you father needs to talk to her

 

[NeedingGuidance]

It can't be solved between her and my father. If anything, I believe it would just cause tension between the two of them. It's something I think I need to be able to sit and talk with her about. Moving out is a possibility. I could manage it with a few roommates, I just wouldn't want it to cause her resentment towards me.

 

[Agricola]

My daughter is 18, she is beginning to be more independent which means staying over at friends house, staying out late. She is good and tells me what her plans are though and lets me know when she is on way home. I am learning to let go which is difficult and I still do worry over her when she is away, it is difficult not to and couple of times been tempted to call her from time to time, but have managed to resist knowing it would just annoy her.

Being a parent does not get easier over time, I chuckle when new parents say how hard work it is coping with baby and how they can not wait until the child grows up! Looking after your child when they are a baby is the easiest stage of their life!