Personal Issues

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B

bciaol

Guest
#1
#1
I don't know if relationship issues count as family issues, but I think it may. I have finally met the woman I love, and I plan to marry her. We have been going to church, abstaining from sex, and trying to do things differently this time around. I am constantly searching on how to be a better person, man, and eventual husband and father. Recently she went out with a friend of hers that she grew up with and hand't seen in awhile. I was invited after she was out but I was already at home, and I trusted her. I did not hear from her until the next morning after she woke up in his hotel room. She was crying and upset when I spoke with her, and naturally I was angry. I am beyond hurt. There was no doubt that she is the girl I want to marry, and everything is amazing between us. She said that she had never done anything like that before, she couldn't believe that she had done that to me of all people. She admitted to going to his room, kissing, and clothes came off, and then she realized that she wasn't doing the right thing and stopped before it went too far. Oddly enough I actually do believe that part, but maybe I am naive. She came to my house that night, very apologetic, in tears, and beating herself up. She remarked that she would do anything that it took for me to stay with her. I am so in love with her, and I really feel like we could have something great. I decided to stay with her and try to work it out. I am able to forgive, but it's haunting me, picturing her and him together. I am unable to shake it free, and seems to be every other thought in my head.
The deeper thing is that is has affected how I look at some. I realize how over-sexualized everything is in our society, and it bothers me to look at her that way now. Is there anyone who has stayed with someone after they've been cheated on? How did you manage it? How do you deal with not telling anyone close to you because it is embarrassing? I have no one to talk to except for her, and when I talk to her, it makes her feel worse, and I don't want to do that. I feel like I'm going through this alone. I am getting the worst of it all, because the guy doesn't care about her, she was just a thing to do for him. She feels bad, but her worry is gone because I didn't leave her, she just has to deal with her guilt(which is tearing her up.) I have to think about it, and suffer through it daily.
 
Lizathrose

Lizathrose

Banned
#2
May 4, 2014
288
2
0
#2
Well... To posit an admittedly more skeptical, candid opinion, she'd probably have simply left the hotel if she'd "realized that she wasn't doing the right thing." I can't possibly imagine why she'd stay in his hotel room, or even in the hotel in general, under any plausible scenario if we're assuming that she's being honest. I'd be willing to bet a great deal that she did indeed sleep with him, although it at least sounds as though she's sincerely aware of her mistake.

She might've been trying to convince you that she didn't follow through with her act out of a sense of desperation for keeping you. From her perspective, it'd make sense, although it'd also be dishonest -- which isn't a particularly desirable trait in the interest of longevity and sincerity. Still, she's of course ultimately your call.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#3
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#3
I do! :)

There´s no need to tell the world: "She cheated on me" or "I´m a cheater, also".

That would be a pain in the EYE... Think a bit! You have to pay for the wedding and all that stuff she wants, but "THAT SUPPOSED" cheater gave it "him" for free.

Will you marry her? (For love?) Who is the one redeeming, you or her?

Hmmm!

"...because the guy doesn't care about her, ...." So you blamed him (alone).

Please man! I do agree with what you actually said in line 12: " but maybe I am naive. "

Hope you be wise to avoid that, on time.

I was in love with one who said she worked as a prostitute, but SOME haven´t learnt from those lesson... What if you were the cheater?

Now you get men´s attention but, if you were the cheater, few girls (women) would dare to date you, seriusly, to be married with a cheater.

Do you think marriage will spare you some suffering from that type of lust?

Is it you failed and spent too much time to marry her?

Whatever the case, your friends would tell you not to marry her... If you were a father, you wouldn´t push YOUR SON to marry her. Will you?

P.S.

This is hard to be believed, but I have more experiences heard and known, than I´m seriusly considering putting them down, so my children learn from what I have seen, heard and suffered.

Run away! That can be forgotten but TRUST worth more than forgiving.

you are a man of age, there´s no need to pick Scripture but, just in case I´m a fool to say nothing:

Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by everyone. And every marriage should be kept pure between husband and wife. God will judge guilty those who commit sexual sins and adultery.

Heb 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
 
T

tenderhearted

Guest
#4
#4
I would seriously pray about this relationship. Just because you feel like she is the one doesn't necessarily mean that God feels the same way. Trust has already been broken. This could be God showing you what your future may look like with this individual. I'm sure she is a nice girl and everyone needs to be forgiven, but it doesn't mean that you should marry this person. This doesn't seem like a good way to go into a marriage. Thank God you discovered this about her before you got married.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
41,315
16,302
113
69
Tennessee
#5
Cut your losses and move forward. It happens but it does not have to happen to you. There is always the dawn of a new day and you never know what flora and fauna the tide is going to bring to shore.
 
O

Osiyo

Guest
#6
#6
What was told a certain disciple? Forgive not only once but 77,000 times, that is what we are to do. Take it before God the Father, but be willing to listen carefully to what He has to say, for hormones are very powerful and turn the conscience off. Be blessed and why not?
 
P

pastac

Guest
#7
#7
TMI TMI TMI details can be generic but if you put it out there you must want folks to know so get ready for what they throw your way!
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#8
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#8
Osiyo said:
What was told a certain disciple? Forgive not only once but 77,000 times, that is what we are to do. Take it before God the Father, but be willing to listen carefully to what He has to say, for hormones are very powerful and turn the conscience off. Be blessed and why not?
Click to expand...
If that was the case, as an average "normal" man, I cannot count the few times a woman or man permits to be cheated on. That happends in the secret but, if it poblicly or privately known, no doubt a marriage or that sort of commitment is torn down to pieces (and that would be called divorce if any of these were married).

Easy said, harder done!
 
N

Nice_Lady

Senior Member
#9
May 13, 2014
148
2
18
#9
I agree with secularhermit. You see from one side only - your side. I had a friend i grew up with - what a love i desired! But he didnt want to marry me so i start searching another man. Come onn a girl cannot live only in dreams, a man should take care for her.
 
A

Atwood

Senior Member
#10
May 1, 2014
4,995
53
48
#10
bciaol said:
I don't know if relationship issues count as family issues, but I think it may. I have finally met the woman I love, and I plan to marry her. We have been going to church, abstaining from sex, and trying to do things differently this time around. I am constantly searching on how to be a better person, man, and eventual husband and father. Recently she went out with a friend of hers that she grew up with and hand't seen in awhile. I was invited after she was out but I was already at home, and I trusted her. I did not hear from her until the next morning after she woke up in his hotel room. She was crying and upset when I spoke with her, and naturally I was angry. I am beyond hurt. There was no doubt that she is the girl I want to marry, and everything is amazing between us. She said that she had never done anything like that before, she couldn't believe that she had done that to me of all people. She admitted to going to his room, kissing, and clothes came off, and then she realized that she wasn't doing the right thing and stopped before it went too far. Oddly enough I actually do believe that part, but maybe I am naive. She came to my house that night, very apologetic, in tears, and beating herself up. She remarked that she would do anything that it took for me to stay with her. I am so in love with her, and I really feel like we could have something great. I decided to stay with her and try to work it out. I am able to forgive, but it's haunting me, picturing her and him together. I am unable to shake it free, and seems to be every other thought in my head.
The deeper thing is that is has affected how I look at some. I realize how over-sexualized everything is in our society, and it bothers me to look at her that way now. Is there anyone who has stayed with someone after they've been cheated on? How did you manage it? How do you deal with not telling anyone close to you because it is embarrassing? I have no one to talk to except for her, and when I talk to her, it makes her feel worse, and I don't want to do that. I feel like I'm going through this alone. I am getting the worst of it all, because the guy doesn't care about her, she was just a thing to do for him. She feels bad, but her worry is gone because I didn't leave her, she just has to deal with her guilt(which is tearing her up.) I have to think about it, and suffer through it daily.
Click to expand...
Bciaol:

What a painful experience, hard to bear.

You say you have been going to church. Of course many people go to church without being born again. Thus the question is if you or she died tonight, where would you go and how do you know? and if someone asked you why you should be let into God's Heaven, what would you say?

So you are saying that you two are still both virgins or "abstaining from sex, and trying to do things differently this time around" means neither of you are virgins.

Of course it did go too far, but at least there was no becoming "one flesh," and she stopped.

So, if you both have a history of fornication (?), you would both have to forgive each other of the old fornications.

Now if you are born again Christians, note what 1 Cor 7 says:

"because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband."

This is a positive command for those who don't have the spiritual gift of celibacy and (quite properly) itch for sex. But apparently both of you have a healthy sex appetite. In which case, why don't you go and get married? The command in 1 Cor 7 does not say to be searching on how to be a better person, man, and eventual husband; it says that because fornication is a big danger, you need to get married. Indeed, the perfect may be the enemy of the good.

Let us all pray for each other, as I did for you.
 
M

MyPottersClay

Guest
#11
#11
I would say to take all the emotion out of your decision and talk with God alone in a quite place. You have to take your "feelings" out of the equation in order to stay neutral for God's guidance. This may be Him alerting you already. Do not make this decision on what you "feel" or "her words" rather what He puts in your heart. If it is to hard to separate your feelings and the decision, make this a scenario regarding your best friend.
Don't take this decision lightly and if you are a Christian remember He brings to light what is done in the dark.GB
 
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