Hi, I recently posted a thread about my husband leaving me, I got really good responses, but I have more that I need advice about. My husband said he was leaving for another state with his sister, he said he wanted a seperation, and that he would be going strictly for business, to do job training and that he would be back for me and the kids, I really didn't want him to go because I felt like there were job opportunities where we live and if he really looked he would find one, he said he didn't want to leave but he didn't trust my word because I always would find myself being the only one paying bills and would get stressed and tell him to leave, I admit I was wrong and did it out of anger because all I wanted was for him to get a job and help, I've taken care of everything for 3 years! I told him if he didn't choose me I would divorce because it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything to him and that I am not a priority in his life, but reality is I still want to be married to him I just don't want him to walk all over my heart. He told me during our seperation he would call me everyday but I haven't heard from him in a week, I want to stay married but I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my life. Mind you he is 23 years old and I am 26 years old. But I don't know if that makes a difference. I don't know what to do I'm breaking down and I really miss my husband, I have no ideal where he is or who he's with, if he even really left state, should I reach out to contact him? I feel like he wants me to chase him to make him feel good. But he left me :-( Should I give up and divorce?? Please help me, I really want a man's point of view but I accept all advice
Please help me, I feel like giving up...Marriage issues:-(
- Thread starter christianwife87
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B
It seems like your husband didn't want to help you support the family. Then he finds a job and splits. Most young couples are not ready for marriage. Few if any even think about reading about married life and the beautiful relationship that can be if both a man and a woman would prepare first. I'm hoping he hasn't found someone else. This is immature and disrespectful. If you can track him down then do so and ask him what he wants and that you have kept yourself faithful to him. And by the way. Anger drives people away. Whether both or one spouse is easily prevoked. My wifes biggest complaint still; is that I don't communicate when we are apart. And when we see each other twice a month; it takes me two days of her telling me to talk nice to her. Well that's not very helpful. Duh! I will pray for Gods leading for you and your husband. Read your bible. Pray. And stay faithful to God. Regards! Larry.
It always grieves me to hear about any families struggling but especially those who trust in God. I know very little about you and your husband personally so the advice I can offer is general. It would benefit women to study male behavior prior to marriage. I'd say the opposite also applies but I'd be lying because men are predictable, women.......not so much. Men need confidence in order to lead a family. This is achieved through accomplishment. The problem with the way things are today is basically boys are coddled until they are adults, then are expected to leave the nest and generate fruitful lives of their own. Working hard is a necessary step in achieving self worth. Along with the character building benefits it lays the foundation of being a contributing member of society and eliminates the entitlement that afflicts so many young adults. Too many post grads are at home in there parents basements getting a full ride and waiting for a job to find them. Unless they get married and find a mother figure to take care of them. I'm not saying this is your situation but it happens. If you recognize any of these traits in your husband this is what I would suggest. In a loving way tell him to man up. Find a job, any job. Any type of work that is hard. When he comes home at the end of the day pamper him a little. Put him in the captain's chair. Show him respect. Let him make the decisions around the house. That doesn't mean shut up and do what you're told! When you give him the respect and the responsibility most men will act responsibly. If you continue to treat him as a child he will never mature into the Alpha male you want heading your family. Just my thoughts. Take em' or leave em'.
christianwife87, are both you and your husband Christians? Would you be willing to stand for your marriage and fight for your husband no matter what it takes, even if he is states away? If so then I have some Godly, biblical advice for you. There are a lot of people out there who are standing on the word of God and his promises for and about marriage. The only thing about this standing thing is that you take your eyes off of your husband and everything that he is doing (wrong or otherwise) and focus completely on God and your relationship with him. I have more to say but I will reserve it for later because it really does depend on whether you want to do things God's way or the world's way. Will be praying for you and your husband. Feel free to contact me for more info.
B
Gospel Hymns For Daily Strength
God has given you His promise
That He hears and answers prayer.
He will heed your supplication
If you cast on Him your care.
He will not withhold one blessing,
He will give you what is best.
God will answer by His Spirit,
Every one who makes request.
He can hear the great petition,
And the smallest, over there.
Unto God pray without ceasing,
He will answer every prayer.
Take to God your plans and failures,
Any time and anywhere.
No one ever goes unanswered,
For He answers every prayer.
God has given you His promise
That He hears and answers prayer.
He will heed your supplication
If you cast on Him your care.
He will not withhold one blessing,
He will give you what is best.
God will answer by His Spirit,
Every one who makes request.
He can hear the great petition,
And the smallest, over there.
Unto God pray without ceasing,
He will answer every prayer.
Take to God your plans and failures,
Any time and anywhere.
No one ever goes unanswered,
For He answers every prayer.
So I finally heard from my husband last nite, he told me he still wanted to work the marriage out he was just tired of not having money, but I still feel a way where he has to show and prove and the fact that he still left with his sister is not showing that, I think he is seeing someone else down there I just have this bad feeling. I feel like he's a stranger now, I feel like he's not telling me the truth about something, he says he is in school and has a.job and he's only been gone a week already, he also said it is going to take 12 weeks for his truck driving classes to finish.
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B
@christianwife87. Did he say he would call you each night to keep in touch? My wife works over 1000 miles away from where I am. I'd I don't initiate contact and leave messages about my day, she is wondering why. There is a website called Happy Wives Club. Just check it out. My autistic son gave be a book titled, How to make friends and influence people. I guess I'm still rough around the edges. But every phonecall can be meaningful. If you could visit him and talk with him, and let him know what you feel. Or phone him. He is your husband. They should respect that you have the right to call him. I'm praying for you. Sincerely, Larry.
I really hate to say it, but the way he is acting definitely suggests that he is having an affair. (In fact, almost all men who simply walk out on their wives do so because they have found someone else, whether they admit it or not.) Perhaps you could contact his sister and ask her what's going on? Or do a bit of investigative work on your own. Anything can be worked through if both sides want it bad enough, but you need to know what the facts are so that you can know how to proceed.
I will also say IF he really is at a truck driving school and is going to become a truck driver. you better get used to not seeing him. those schools generally train you. and yes you do get a job with a company. but you are stuck at said company for 1 year and they will run him hard. (knew one guy who did it and was gone for 11.5 months (yes he was gone for 11 and a half months) before he got to see home again.
M
Hello Christianwife:
there's a few things in your notes here I'd like to point out for you.
"would get stressed and tell him to leave, I admit I was wrong and did it out of anger because all I wanted was for him to get a job and help"
Maybe you ought to admit it to him, not to us, because we're not your husband.
What if he kept telling you to leave, sayyyy ... if you never made him dinner.
Eventually I suspect you probably would leave after hearing it enough.
"I've taken care of everything for 3 years!"
In marriage its give and take...not counting the cost or the years...many times one will give more than the other
Yes it should be somewhat equal or close to but sometimes one carries the majority of the burden for awhile and then it may reverse a little.
"I told him if he didn't choose me I would divorce"
(this is likely all he heard, it's a threat)
Also...choose you over what? because he wasn't helping paying the bills?
The message he may have heard was: Do what I want or else.
To me it looks more like he called your bluff and left you with the or else portion.
Lemme help you.
Unless he's cheating FIRST...BEFORE HAND and you know it for sure...never give an ultimatum
Cuz I'll tell ya one thing...most men won't put up with it...at all...
Ya see. in America, ultimatums come real close to what resembles a terrorist threat
IE: give us money or else
Americans are taught not to tolerate or give in to terrorist threats.
So when a person says do as I want or else...it doesn't matter if they were our ally before that point.
They've now just become the enemy
Americans don't give in to terrorist threats.
Secondly, by you giving an ultimatum get a job or else...the or else part being ... I will divorce you....
Is you taking the lead giving orders
Is that Gods way in a marriage?
Who rules the marriage?
Who did God say is the Authority in marriage? Because contrary to popular belief it hasn't changed
Given this information...what do you think it would require to win your husband back?
Because he went and did what you said...he got a job by being forced into a position from desperation.
Do it or get divorced.
Sorry if this sounds somewhat brash...but I'm not very good at making things light and fluffy with sugar on top
I pray being straight to the point and cutting right to brass tacks is more beneficial.
I don't know both sides of the story here and I'm not taking his side over yours.
Just letting you know what I see from what I've read if you can understand.
My best advice is...Try not to react out of anger.
You may hear some advice against what I said, and if you're looking for sympathy, you may get that too.
But reverse the things you said as if they were said to you.
What would it take for you to wanna stay?
1 Peter 3:1
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives
there's a few things in your notes here I'd like to point out for you.
"would get stressed and tell him to leave, I admit I was wrong and did it out of anger because all I wanted was for him to get a job and help"
Maybe you ought to admit it to him, not to us, because we're not your husband.
What if he kept telling you to leave, sayyyy ... if you never made him dinner.
Eventually I suspect you probably would leave after hearing it enough.
"I've taken care of everything for 3 years!"
In marriage its give and take...not counting the cost or the years...many times one will give more than the other
Yes it should be somewhat equal or close to but sometimes one carries the majority of the burden for awhile and then it may reverse a little.
"I told him if he didn't choose me I would divorce"
(this is likely all he heard, it's a threat)
Also...choose you over what? because he wasn't helping paying the bills?
The message he may have heard was: Do what I want or else.
To me it looks more like he called your bluff and left you with the or else portion.
Lemme help you.
Unless he's cheating FIRST...BEFORE HAND and you know it for sure...never give an ultimatum
Cuz I'll tell ya one thing...most men won't put up with it...at all...
Ya see. in America, ultimatums come real close to what resembles a terrorist threat
IE: give us money or else
Americans are taught not to tolerate or give in to terrorist threats.
So when a person says do as I want or else...it doesn't matter if they were our ally before that point.
They've now just become the enemy
Americans don't give in to terrorist threats.
Secondly, by you giving an ultimatum get a job or else...the or else part being ... I will divorce you....
Is you taking the lead giving orders
Is that Gods way in a marriage?
Who rules the marriage?
Who did God say is the Authority in marriage? Because contrary to popular belief it hasn't changed
Given this information...what do you think it would require to win your husband back?
Because he went and did what you said...he got a job by being forced into a position from desperation.
Do it or get divorced.
Sorry if this sounds somewhat brash...but I'm not very good at making things light and fluffy with sugar on top
I pray being straight to the point and cutting right to brass tacks is more beneficial.
I don't know both sides of the story here and I'm not taking his side over yours.
Just letting you know what I see from what I've read if you can understand.
My best advice is...Try not to react out of anger.
You may hear some advice against what I said, and if you're looking for sympathy, you may get that too.
But reverse the things you said as if they were said to you.
What would it take for you to wanna stay?
1 Peter 3:1
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives
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Wow, I really appreciate that advice, I believe in being straight forward as well so that really help me out, and I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
But I will say, that I have told my husband that I was wrong, I have admitted these things to him, he says he basically doesn't believe me. As for me taking care of the finances, house and kids I was okay with it at first because I thought he was trying, until I seen that when he finally got a paycheck he would leave me without me even kicking him out and he would spend his money on marijuana, be gone for the weekend and when all was spent he would come home, it's like he was avoiding being responsible, not to mention that he did cheat in between all of that and when we got into an argument he finally admitted to me that he cheated. I started getting stressed having panic attacks going in and out of the hospital, and he just sat back and watched, that is why I continued to tell him to leave, because I felt I was doing it alone and he was sitting back and watching me struggle, he also admitted he was saving money and basically said he wasn't going to help me because he felt I was being disrespectful.
I did give him the ultimatum because I felt he put his sister in the middle and told her what was going on in our marriage, she tends to treat him like a baby but then with her he acts like one and does everything she says, so I told him as a grown man, husband and father he needed to choose and for once make a decision for his family, I feel he abandoned us.
But I will say, that I have told my husband that I was wrong, I have admitted these things to him, he says he basically doesn't believe me. As for me taking care of the finances, house and kids I was okay with it at first because I thought he was trying, until I seen that when he finally got a paycheck he would leave me without me even kicking him out and he would spend his money on marijuana, be gone for the weekend and when all was spent he would come home, it's like he was avoiding being responsible, not to mention that he did cheat in between all of that and when we got into an argument he finally admitted to me that he cheated. I started getting stressed having panic attacks going in and out of the hospital, and he just sat back and watched, that is why I continued to tell him to leave, because I felt I was doing it alone and he was sitting back and watching me struggle, he also admitted he was saving money and basically said he wasn't going to help me because he felt I was being disrespectful.
I did give him the ultimatum because I felt he put his sister in the middle and told her what was going on in our marriage, she tends to treat him like a baby but then with her he acts like one and does everything she says, so I told him as a grown man, husband and father he needed to choose and for once make a decision for his family, I feel he abandoned us.
M
Ah ok, more parts of the full picture colored in does help. 
Thanks for providing more facts.
And I would agree with you it does sound as though he is being irresponsible regarding his duties toward you as his immediate family.
I also agree with you that once married, a spouse becomes immediate family and you as his wife take precedence over his sister as far as responsibilities go.
I'm sure we can all understand your frustration in trying to encourage your husband to grow up and mature. Given the new information in your last post it doesn't sound as though he has taken many steps toward this maturing process considering smokin' the reefer and not paying the bills is not a good combination.
It looks like you did what you felt you had to do giving an ultimatum as a last resort.
The only thing I can think is he is still young and is likely not considering the outcome of his actions.
He may mature in time but...honestly, the only thing that will help him to do so is Gods word and following his principles.
There are three things which come to mind regarding scripture with his what he is doing.
One being 1 Timothy 5:8
[SUP]8 [/SUP]But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
Another being that we are told we leave our Father and Mother to be united to our spouse.
If we leave from under the roof and authority of our father and mother we are also that much more removed from any perceived authority of any siblings, aunts, uncles etc etc.
Lastly and most importantly since you have now mentioned he admitted to cheating. I didn't see this mentioned before hand
This is actually the one and only reason I see Christ personally justify divorce.
I'm really sorry what you're going through here.
Adultery can keep a person out of heaven as we're told the sexually immoral do not inherit the kingdom.
But God CAN forgive for adultery IF your husband repents and atones for it.
So now you have a decision to make that we can't make for you okay.
To either choose to forgive him if you want to try to make it work with him.
Or decide to divorce.
Because it's really going to take God working in his life for him to change for the better.
And at this point, as he has already left, I doubt scolding him would make him wish to return as he also isn't showing much reverence for God.
Is he a Christian? I ask because he must respect and fear God in order to follow God.
Otherwise he is following the world and the world is his master.
If the world is his master he will not listen to another master.
It may sound counter-intuitive but if you choose to forgive him and reach out to him to draw him to both you and God, it may just take the same steps and methods Christ used to draw us to him when we first followed the world.
God Bless and my prayers go out for you for God to help you and be there for you during this.
Thanks for providing more facts.
And I would agree with you it does sound as though he is being irresponsible regarding his duties toward you as his immediate family.
I also agree with you that once married, a spouse becomes immediate family and you as his wife take precedence over his sister as far as responsibilities go.
I'm sure we can all understand your frustration in trying to encourage your husband to grow up and mature. Given the new information in your last post it doesn't sound as though he has taken many steps toward this maturing process considering smokin' the reefer and not paying the bills is not a good combination.
It looks like you did what you felt you had to do giving an ultimatum as a last resort.
The only thing I can think is he is still young and is likely not considering the outcome of his actions.
He may mature in time but...honestly, the only thing that will help him to do so is Gods word and following his principles.
There are three things which come to mind regarding scripture with his what he is doing.
One being 1 Timothy 5:8
[SUP]8 [/SUP]But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
Another being that we are told we leave our Father and Mother to be united to our spouse.
If we leave from under the roof and authority of our father and mother we are also that much more removed from any perceived authority of any siblings, aunts, uncles etc etc.
Lastly and most importantly since you have now mentioned he admitted to cheating. I didn't see this mentioned before hand
This is actually the one and only reason I see Christ personally justify divorce.
I'm really sorry what you're going through here.
Adultery can keep a person out of heaven as we're told the sexually immoral do not inherit the kingdom.
But God CAN forgive for adultery IF your husband repents and atones for it.
So now you have a decision to make that we can't make for you okay.
To either choose to forgive him if you want to try to make it work with him.
Or decide to divorce.
Because it's really going to take God working in his life for him to change for the better.
And at this point, as he has already left, I doubt scolding him would make him wish to return as he also isn't showing much reverence for God.
Is he a Christian? I ask because he must respect and fear God in order to follow God.
Otherwise he is following the world and the world is his master.
If the world is his master he will not listen to another master.
It may sound counter-intuitive but if you choose to forgive him and reach out to him to draw him to both you and God, it may just take the same steps and methods Christ used to draw us to him when we first followed the world.
God Bless and my prayers go out for you for God to help you and be there for you during this.
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Thank you so much I really appreciate your advice and scripture references. As far as him being Christian, I say he is Christian he had an encounter with God at church and gave his life to Christ, he fell short, I was disappointed, until I remembered that I Was doing the same things when i gave my life to Christ, i used to be addicted to smoking Marijuana heavily and drinking as well. I can't even count "How many times I got saved" but now I'm fully recovered from it, he had stopped smoking "again" when he had another encounter, then got connected with his family and fell.short again. I still say he's Christian, I think he wants help he just feels he does not have the love and support from his family
B
The Truck driving classed can take that long. Sounds like satan is really pushing your buttons and you can't let him do that. Pray about this and ask God to comfort your heart and spirit. If he says he wants to work out things in your marriage, give him a chance. Allow him the time to finish his training and let God do the rest. It is really hard at first, to leave all this in His hands, but there is no better place to leave it. Will be praying for you.
God bless
God bless