please help

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eddieper

Guest
#1
#1
Hello to everyone,
I am recently married in July of 2010. Well my question is this, Yesterday my wife had expressed to me that she was planning on sending the father of my step daughter (I hate that word so let’s use my daughter instead) 19,500 dollars from her IRA. Because she made an promise to him over a house they once had together. She has had a sufficient amount of time to make good on this so called promise to him prior to us getting married and combining our finances together, but never has until now. Now when her ex is having a rough financial time do to his own choosing quitting job to job she choses to take these funds from her retirement fund. I have had difficulty with this since the man has not provided not one cent in the support of my daughter. I have paid for airline tickets/ hotel for him to see his daughter and never come between her and his relationship. He rarely communicates with her and sees her once a year in summer but always with difficulty. I have been in her life now since the age of five and I fail to see her reasoning that this will help her in her walk with Jesus. I find this as a huge insult to me and I know some might say well its her money as she also says, but I don’t see like that especially since those funds are for our future as well as that of our now 1 month old daughter and two other children. I have supported her in just about everything but cannot do this here. We have had a bumpy road to where we are now. I have asked her if she is willing to jeopardize our marriage by doing this and she says that she is going to do what is right and my question is by whom him or me your husband. She continues to state that it is not for him but that it is for her conscious. I again asked her why she would provide him with these funds if he has not provided a dime for her schooling clothes food etc. etc. and she continues to state that it is not her job or place to make him pay child support in anyway that that should come from him. I am lost and I am inches away from filing for a divorce and have asked her if she is willing to except losing me our family our relationship over this and her answer is I am doing the right thing. So whom is she doing right by? It feels as if her promise to him is more important that the vow she made to me, Please help.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#2
#2
if she has no actual "CONTRACT" to owe him this money.... her feeling obligated to an unsound agreement when he has failed to make good on his obligation (child support, his own plane tickets, etc.) is really out of order. So I think it is important to truly determin if this is some warped form of "intergity" she is trying to fullfill or if the truth is she has never severed from him to begin with and you are just the man filling in the gap. I know that is kinda harsh... but I don't know how else to put it and you have some idea of this I imagine by how angry you are with her over this issue... it is a marital infidelity... A SERIOUS ONE... with a very high cost and consequence. I am just going to guess... that she has had a longtime habit of enabling this other man and calling it "kindness" or something and it has taken till now for the problem to get BIG ENOUGH $$$ to really come to a head regarding the problem. I wish I had a answer for you... it seems to me this woman consented to marry you for different reasons than the ones you had for asking....and unless she is going to decide very soon to actually honor her vows.... you don't really have a marriage. Maybe some counseling would work??? BTW... there is no his money or her money in marriage...it's OUR money... unless you agree to pay all household $$ and she earns a little extra cash for spending discretionary and that is agreed... understand???
 
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Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Your wife has a very warped perception of this situation. You are the head of the household, including finances, according to the bible and it is her duty to submit, not override or ignore you.
I don't believe this is a 'conscience' issue unless she feels she did something to wrong him horrible at some point in the past.
She sounds very selfish and confused and you need to take her to some church counseling by a pastor to get her head out of her..uhh... you know.
 
Y

Yourfriend4life

Guest
#4
#4
im sorry but your wife seems to have problems and need counseling....this is not prov. 31 behaviour that she should devote her life around.....but be patient with her
 
E

eddieper

Guest
#5
#5
AAAplus you must have lots of money and not really know what it means to struggle to provide. I have known both and know that god talks enough about for it to be of importance..It is not about the money as you might think but about our eternal marriage bond to God each other and our family that comes first no matter what. Not the issues and problems of a person whom we had in our past. You say you hate the trivial money yet the only issue at hand you chose to focus on was indeed the money. It is about faithfulness dedication commitment trust, fidelity, Love. These are the issues at hand not the money. These are the questions I am asking because it takes two in a marriage and if someone is bonded to someone from the past then I am sorry what bond exists there. I asked for GODLY advice that I could use to see if my fellow Christians could help, not for you to rant and rave about what bothers you. Take care and god bless.
 
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tdrew777

Guest
#6
#6
Some of this comes down to contractual agreement. Oral contracts are legally and morally binding. Is the money owed, or a gift due to the circumstances? Is child support owed? Was the plane ticket a gift? Gifts do not alter the status of debts. After what is legally and morally owed has been settled, you, together with your wife, should decide if gift giving is appropriate.

A side issue might be weather or not your wife was up front about her contractual financial agreements going into the marriage with you.

That's what I see at a glance, looking at your thread.
 
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eddieper

Guest
#7
#7
There is no contract what so ever just a promise she would give him the money for the house they once owned together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes he owes child support since she was five she is now twelve but my wife refuses to hold him accountable for that money saying that it is not up to her to make him pay but up to God. She states that she has a word and will honor that world regardless of the cost. Keep in mind that comes at a time when the man has a need for money because she had exactly 5 years to pay this debt to him prior to our marriage and payed nothing until now that we are married. I don't mind providing a ticket for his daughter to see him or giving her spending money. but this is not for her but for him and only him.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#8
#8
>>>>Oral contracts are legally and morally binding.<<<<

Of all people... :rolleyes: because... saying a vow means someone can force you to keep it.... or having a discussion constitutes a contractual obligation.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#9
#9
eddieper said:
There is no contract

I think you are ROCK SOLID where you stand on this issue:D... I also think you know what the potential cost is :(... praying for you... Be strengthened in CHrist..
Click to expand...
 
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BishopSEH

Guest
#10
#10
eddieper said:
Hello to everyone,
I am recently married in July of 2010. Well my question is this, Yesterday my wife had expressed to me that she was planning on sending the father of my step daughter (I hate that word so let’s use my daughter instead) 19,500 dollars from her IRA. Because she made an promise to him over a house they once had together. She has had a sufficient amount of time to make good on this so called promise to him prior to us getting married and combining our finances together, but never has until now. Now when her ex is having a rough financial time do to his own choosing quitting job to job she choses to take these funds from her retirement fund. I have had difficulty with this since the man has not provided not one cent in the support of my daughter. I have paid for airline tickets/ hotel for him to see his daughter and never come between her and his relationship. He rarely communicates with her and sees her once a year in summer but always with difficulty. I have been in her life now since the age of five and I fail to see her reasoning that this will help her in her walk with Jesus. I find this as a huge insult to me and I know some might say well its her money as she also says, but I don’t see like that especially since those funds are for our future as well as that of our now 1 month old daughter and two other children. I have supported her in just about everything but cannot do this here. We have had a bumpy road to where we are now. I have asked her if she is willing to jeopardize our marriage by doing this and she says that she is going to do what is right and my question is by whom him or me your husband. She continues to state that it is not for him but that it is for her conscious. I again asked her why she would provide him with these funds if he has not provided a dime for her schooling clothes food etc. etc. and she continues to state that it is not her job or place to make him pay child support in anyway that that should come from him. I am lost and I am inches away from filing for a divorce and have asked her if she is willing to except losing me our family our relationship over this and her answer is I am doing the right thing. So whom is she doing right by? It feels as if her promise to him is more important that the vow she made to me, Please help.
Click to expand...
Ed,

First I do not envy you in this situation. If I understand right your wife and her ex once owned a house together. I have a couple questions on that. Who has the house? If sold, was the money divided evenly?

You say that your daughter by marriage has not received any support from her biological father. First I commend you for being the kind of dad many step children wish they had. Personally I would say one debt, his owed child support, cancels out the other debt, her owing for a share of the house. This is doubly so if there is no legal requirement for her to pay this amount but only a moral one. I would recommend talking with your wife and encourage her to tell the biological father that she forgives his debt of past child support and considers her debt paid in full by the raising of their child without his support.

I must ask though you likely will not like it so I will ask your forgiveness now and tell you no insult is meant. If paying this debt, whether real or imagined, gives your wife peace, is it not better to support her and maybe retire a little later than planed? If I read correctly this money will come from a retirement account. This means your daily, weekly or monthly budget will likely not be effected unless you increase your allotment to the retirement fund for a time to replace those funds faster.

I noted someone made a point of mentioning headship. You have the right to use that but I warn you if will backfire. I will leave you with one thought: Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. ( the larger and darkened text is a side effect of a cut and paste and not an emphasis)

In Christ,

Bishop SEH
 
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brokenclay

Guest
#11
#11
Dear Brother, I'm praying for you. You gave up your money for your daughter's sake. Your wife is not showing you love or respect. After you give up this huge amount of money, what's next. This woman you love shows no sign of love and respect for you. Its all one sided. Kind of like what Jesus is like with us. We pay little attention to the telltale signs of others motives until we are yoked to them. I refused to listen or heed the warnings of Christians not to get married right away. Both my wife and I had baggage that caused so much unhappiness to each other. That little girl is being used to manipulate you. Will your wife really love you for letting her control you. She is on the winning side. I have never been free to serve God through compromise.
 
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brokenclay

Guest
#12
#12
I apologize for my comment. I let my feelings get in the way.Keeping you in my prayers.
 
pickles

pickles

Senior Member
#13
Apr 20, 2009
14,479
182
63
#13
Wether you agree or not, your wife did make this agreement, and believes in faith and heart that she should keep it.
For every reason you have given, she really does not owe him the money, but I understand what she is saying.
One must also consider, that before God, that she cannot have any claim to what he owes in child support, when she has not kept her commitment as well, and Im sure that before God, she feels this way, and also believes that he will not ever have the commitment, as long as she has not kept hers.
She may not expect him to ever return in kind his responcibuility, but I do see that she will have a clean mind before God in this, and when it comes to faith, this is more valuable than gold.
I cannot imagine giving up so much for what she asks, but Im certain, that in supporting her, the gain in your marraige will be greater than anything you could ever offer her.
Simply because you , even though you disagree, care about what she values, and this will be valued beyond mesure.
Praying for you both in Jesus, that all will be resolved in peace.

God bless
pickles
 
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