S
So I had a really bad year last year. I lost virtually all of my friends in different ways. Two from one school just played the "out of sight out of mind" card with me when I really needed them and the other two I lost in a bigger way. I lost them to sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Probably not to drugs... well that's actually a big possibility considering the evidence but I'm not going there. Just one more thing- you know?
Through the past year I only felt heart ache and my life was absorbed in trying to bring those two girls back to Christ. I had little to no other activities in my life. It was exhausting but I was their only good influence and I didn't want to shut out their only light. Sounds a bit self centered but I wasn't the only one thinking it and people were concerned that if I abandoned them that they may never come around. Their sins sort of became my burden as I kind of became Jesus for them.
ANYWAY. I am a big worry wart. I am anxious about just about everything. Someone puts a soda pop in the freezer I'm anxious that the freezer is going to explode.(thought I know thats impossible) I have panic attacks about finances, I worry about something I may have said that could have been interpreted offensively, if someone is late coming home and isn't returning phone calls I envision the worse case scenario. My dad now actively downplays everything and braces me for everything knowing that I could have a mental breakdown if he delivers the message that I have to pay three hundred dollars to fix my car wrong.
This is causing an inability to sleep. Right now it is 3:00 AM, I'll stay up as late as 5:00 in the morning even if I have to get up at seven to go to church(There was one time that my inability to sleep caused me to be so tired that I could not make it to church). My eyelids are getting visibly darker(or maybe I'm imagining it) and this has been going on all summer. Sometimes I'll dose off at one, if its a good night, just because I'm so exhausted I couldn't stay up even if I wanted to.
I'm in a Bible Study and its discussing the fruits of the spirits. The one we are currently studying is Peace. We were reading the symptoms of someone without this fruit and it was like someone was giving me a psychological profile of myself. After one of the ladies finished reading it she made a comment, "That's depressing." If only she knew.
I'm desperate for that fruit. I've repeated that verse, "Do not be anxious over anything" over and over and have good old Uncle Marty's saying "Pray and let God Worry" as a desktop on my phone and its on my wall. Thinking that if I ever get a tattoo it'll have those words.
But the thing is, the fruit of the spirit is a sign of Christ dwelling in your life. Its more of a symptom than a gift. Which makes me feel guilty because that circles it back to me. Its my fault I can't sleep because I'm not close enough to God. Then I get mad for thinking that because I know it isn't helping anything.
A little help would be nice- school semester is starting in a few weeks and I'm going to be in trouble if I can't get any rest.
Through the past year I only felt heart ache and my life was absorbed in trying to bring those two girls back to Christ. I had little to no other activities in my life. It was exhausting but I was their only good influence and I didn't want to shut out their only light. Sounds a bit self centered but I wasn't the only one thinking it and people were concerned that if I abandoned them that they may never come around. Their sins sort of became my burden as I kind of became Jesus for them.
ANYWAY. I am a big worry wart. I am anxious about just about everything. Someone puts a soda pop in the freezer I'm anxious that the freezer is going to explode.(thought I know thats impossible) I have panic attacks about finances, I worry about something I may have said that could have been interpreted offensively, if someone is late coming home and isn't returning phone calls I envision the worse case scenario. My dad now actively downplays everything and braces me for everything knowing that I could have a mental breakdown if he delivers the message that I have to pay three hundred dollars to fix my car wrong.
This is causing an inability to sleep. Right now it is 3:00 AM, I'll stay up as late as 5:00 in the morning even if I have to get up at seven to go to church(There was one time that my inability to sleep caused me to be so tired that I could not make it to church). My eyelids are getting visibly darker(or maybe I'm imagining it) and this has been going on all summer. Sometimes I'll dose off at one, if its a good night, just because I'm so exhausted I couldn't stay up even if I wanted to.
I'm in a Bible Study and its discussing the fruits of the spirits. The one we are currently studying is Peace. We were reading the symptoms of someone without this fruit and it was like someone was giving me a psychological profile of myself. After one of the ladies finished reading it she made a comment, "That's depressing." If only she knew.
I'm desperate for that fruit. I've repeated that verse, "Do not be anxious over anything" over and over and have good old Uncle Marty's saying "Pray and let God Worry" as a desktop on my phone and its on my wall. Thinking that if I ever get a tattoo it'll have those words.
But the thing is, the fruit of the spirit is a sign of Christ dwelling in your life. Its more of a symptom than a gift. Which makes me feel guilty because that circles it back to me. Its my fault I can't sleep because I'm not close enough to God. Then I get mad for thinking that because I know it isn't helping anything.
A little help would be nice- school semester is starting in a few weeks and I'm going to be in trouble if I can't get any rest.
