Problems with mother-in-law

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Felicity7

Guest
#1
#1
Hello:)

I'm not married yet, I hope after 3 years,but I love my boyfriend really much.
We both believe in God ,trust each other etc....
But I can't find it with my coming 'mother-in-law' .
When I am at my boyfriend and his family(especially his mom) I get a lot of the times argue with her...
I try to be nice most of the time...but often she makes me so mad inside(I don't want that,but it happens)
She says things in a bitter way,she's telling me what to do,interfure personal stuff(school/work/the relation etc.) all those things makes that I don't trust her,one time I was so mad,that I know that I went to far and said that I was sorry.
Sometimes she tries to be nice,but for me it feel like it's all fake,though it's a christian family,but I don't taste really love.
We both want to learn how to more get on well with each other,but because I don't trust her,I really don't like to talk with her about my life or anything else.....

So I can really need some help and advice... :)

Greet Yvon
 
Faithseeker87

Faithseeker87

Banned
#2
Aug 14, 2012
31
0
0
#2
who has more control over your life, you or your mother in law ?
realign yourself
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#3
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#3
You're right to be concerned about your relationship with your future mother-in-law. This can be a very fragile relationship because this is your husband's MOTHER.

How you relate to your husband's parents can affect your marriage.

Try to practice all those fruits of the spirit with her: love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.

This isn't easy I know...my mother-in-law and I didn't get along very well at first. She didn't think I was smart enough for her highly educated son
. But through mutual cooperation we came to a truce, and eventually became friends.

I think it's hard for some moms to share their son with another significant female. And if she's extremely opinionated, this can be even harder.

When she starts walking into sensitive territory, try changing the subject. With practice this becomes the ideal way to avoid confrontation ;).

Praying for strength and guidance for you...and more understanding on your future mother-in-law's part :)


 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#4
#4
I think it's important to show respect for her because of who she is to your fiancee, as we should our own parents, but there's nothing that says you always have to agree with her or argue with her. Arguments can't continue for long if one-sided and she may react differently if YOU do, you know?

If she says something, ponder it. If any of it is good, accept it, and don't quickly or casually dismiss it due to the source, especially if it's regarding her son. She may know him better than you do at this point and may be able to offer insight to you that would be helpful. And, if it's not beneficial, there's really no need to say anything. You are living your life, not her...but you don't need to SAY it that way.;) You can simply say that you will give what she said some thought and leave it at that.

Think about this...if you do marry this young man, it's for keeps. She will always be his mom no matter what you say, do or think. Do you really want to be at war with her for a prolonged period? Is it worth the strife it will cause you and your fiancee to show that you are right about a thing?

One day you will likely have a family. Our parents and in-laws can be a great source of information and insight into our children, especially if any of your children are more like their father than like you. :) Never toss aside great intel. :)

Is there a particular reason that she would be bitter so often? Is she opposed to the marriage for some reason? Do you pray for her? Would she pray WITH you about your pending marriage and relationship with her son? Amazing bonds are known to come from such things. :)
 
F

Felicity7

Guest
#5
#5
Faithseeker87 said:
who has more control over your life, you or your mother in law ?
realign yourself
Click to expand...

When I'm at my boyfriend and his mom and family, I think that my mother-in-law wants to have the control over my life and my relationship with my boyfriend.
 
F

Felicity7

Guest
#6
#6
Lucy68 said:
You're right to be concerned about your relationship with your future mother-in-law. This can be a very fragile relationship because this is your husband's MOTHER.

How you relate to your husband's parents can affect your marriage.

Try to practice all those fruits of the spirit with her: love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.

This isn't easy I know...my mother-in-law and I didn't get along very well at first. She didn't think I was smart enough for her highly educated son
. But through mutual cooperation we came to a truce, and eventually became friends.

I think it's hard for some moms to share their son with another significant female. And if she's extremely opinionated, this can be even harder.

When she starts walking into sensitive territory, try changing the subject. With practice this becomes the ideal way to avoid confrontation ;).

Praying for strength and guidance for you...and more understanding on your future mother-in-law's part :)
Click to expand...


Thank you so much for your prayer,I want to like her, but I can't like her by myself....I really need Gods love and patience and wisdom. I know this will make me stronger...but I know this will not be easy.... sometimes I get mad at her because of the things she says,but I know that I cannot always be mad at her because that is not Gods will.
 
Faithseeker87

Faithseeker87

Banned
#7
Aug 14, 2012
31
0
0
#7
Do you have anyone in her family that is on your side, something else than your boyfriend ? I suppose someone has to convince her to let go.
Another thought about why she does that to you is because you allow it. She dominates you with words and presence so there is nothing unfair if you do the same to her. Dominate her with a strong will, confidence (these 2 are almost the same tho) and good arguments, show her who is in control of your life and to some sort of extend, the life of your boyfriend.
I see you are a softie and I like these sort of people but this won't get you far against people with far reaching personalities. I suggest to train your confidence and speech skills somewhere in public about a topic you are 100% sure about. Learn to dominate and bend people to your will, be the rightful dividing force other people fail to be.

You'd be surprised how far a little arrogance can get you. If you don't use these abilities extensively, let alone abuse, but only use them to protect yourself and stand your ground then there is no harm or unmoral in doing so. You just have to try.
 
F

Felicity7

Guest
#8
#8
Jullianna said:
I think it's important to show respect for her because of who she is to your fiancee, as we should our own parents, but there's nothing that says you always have to agree with her or argue with her. Arguments can't continue for long if one-sided and she may react differently if YOU do, you know?

If she says something, ponder it. If any of it is good, accept it, and don't quickly or casually dismiss it due to the source, especially if it's regarding her son. She may know him better than you do at this point and may be able to offer insight to you that would be helpful. And, if it's not beneficial, there's really no need to say anything. You are living your life, not her...but you don't need to SAY it that way.;) You can simply say that you will give what she said some thought and leave it at that.

Think about this...if you do marry this young man, it's for keeps. She will always be his mom no matter what you say, do or think. Do you really want to be at war with her for a prolonged period? Is it worth the strife it will cause you and your fiancee to show that you are right about a thing?

One day you will likely have a family. Our parents and in-laws can be a great source of information and insight into our children, especially if any of your children are more like their father than like you. :) Never toss aside great intel. :)

Is there a particular reason that she would be bitter so often? Is she opposed to the marriage for some reason? Do you pray for her? Would she pray WITH you about your pending marriage and relationship with her son? Amazing bonds are known to come from such things. :)
Click to expand...

I think she's bitter because I'm maybe not good enough in her eyes.She tells me what to do,but I have my own life,I know I have to respect her,but often she speaks to me in a bitter way and I don't know why.... one time i asked her to pray together ,to build up a better relationship between us...but it's only getting harder :p and I really don't like that!
 
F

Felicity7

Guest
#9
#9
Faithseeker87 said:
Do you have anyone in her family that is on your side, something else than your boyfriend ? I suppose someone has to convince her to let go.
Another thought about why she does that to you is because you allow it. She dominates you with words and presence so there is nothing unfair if you do the same to her. Dominate her with a strong will, confidence (these 2 are almost the same tho) and good arguments, show her who is in control of your life and to some sort of extend, the life of your boyfriend.
I see you are a softie and I like these sort of people but this won't get you far against people with far reaching personalities. I suggest to train your confidence and speech skills somewhere in public about a topic you are 100% sure about. Learn to dominate and bend people to your will, be the rightful dividing force other people fail to be.

You'd be surprised how far a little arrogance can get you. If you don't use these abilities extensively, let alone abuse, but only use them to protect yourself and stand your ground then there is no harm or unmoral in doing so. You just have to try.
Click to expand...
Well,I have to say that I have a strong will and I say when I don't like something...but I want to learn to have respect for her and don't get angry when she don't treat me right.
 
Faithseeker87

Faithseeker87

Banned
#10
Aug 14, 2012
31
0
0
#10
She already has your respect and going even further, even to a point where you don't want to get angry when she treats you badly is like surrendering to a master. It seems like she isn't showing any respect to you and submitting to her will only give her the right in continuing to treat you badly.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#11
#11
Felicity7 said:
I think she's bitter because I'm maybe not good enough in her eyes.She tells me what to do,but I have my own life,I know I have to respect her,but often she speaks to me in a bitter way and I don't know why.... one time i asked her to pray together ,to build up a better relationship between us...but it's only getting harder :p and I really don't like that!
Click to expand...
Yes, doing the noble thing/trying to take the high road can be very frustrating, can't it? :) But, as you probably know, we're not supposed to respond in kind and starting a war by involving other family members that could result in permanent relationship damage is counterproductive to peace and the restoration of relationships.

It's still better than climbing into the gutter and arguing with bitterness. It will rub off on you if you do. You seem to understand that you are called to a higher, more affirmative level of communication. :)

Romans 12:
. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
 
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BrittanyJones

Guest
#12
#12
I had this same problem with my own father. Eventually I just plainly told God I could not stop hating my dad and that He had to take over for me. He did and I am hate free for many years with my dad after quite a few years of a very very very very bad relationship. My dad has now even started to be more loving towards me, my mother and other people. Sometimes people like that just need to see an example before them! Anyway, God did it for me, I just was not able to get rid of the anger and bitterness back at him, myself.
 
F

Felicity7

Guest
#13
#13
Jullianna said:
Yes, doing the noble thing/trying to take the high road can be very frustrating, can't it? :) But, as you probably know, we're not supposed to respond in kind and starting a war by involving other family members that could result in permanent relationship damage is counterproductive to peace and the restoration of relationships.

It's still better than climbing into the gutter and arguing with bitterness. It will rub off on you if you do. You seem to understand that you are called to a higher, more affirmative level of communication. :)

Romans 12:
. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Click to expand...

Yes it's frustrating :p that's true,but I know this is the best way.It can be difficult,but I want to show the love of Christ. With the help of God I know I will learn to respect her,without God I cannot love her and then I don't know how the relationship with my boyfriend will end.Please pray that everything will be alright, I don't want to destroy my relationship with my boyfriend, so someting needs to change.Sometimes I think she hates me...I have now summervacation, and it's now 3 weeks that I have not seen my boyfriend,it's never has been so lang like that.It never feels I'm really accepted and welcome there...and my boyfriend and me don't live near each other,it's more than 2 hours with the train.
 
C

chuinchoy

Guest
#14
#14
Can you find out what is the reason that she doesn't like you? perhaps kowing the reason would enable you to resolve the problem better. In my humbled opinion, you got to resolve this otherwise it is going to affect your relationaship or marriage.

Allow me to share my own expereince. When me and my wife decide to get married, my parent re-furbish the master bed-room of their house and brought new sets of bedroom furnitures for us because they wanted us to stay with them after our marriage. Meanwhile my wife prefers to buy our own house and stay on our own, just the two of us. I decide to agree with my wife because i know that if we were to stay with my parent, my wife would feel inferior one day because everything is done for us by my parent ie cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping etc... My parent was very hurt and cried when they knew of our plan. They didn't speak to us for months. I knew that i had to do something to patch up between my wife and my parent and have to do it fast because if i don't, we all (myself, my wife and my parent) would suffer and i prayed about it. To my parent, i used bibilical verse like 'for this reason, the man shall leave his family and united with his wife........ while my wife i told her that she should visit my parent at least once weekly to go out with them, do things together to foster closer relationship or be the first to offer help whenever help is needed. I thank god that now 9 years have passed and my wife and my parent broken relationship has mended.

I sincerely hope that my experience would enlighten you on the importance of maintaining a close relationship with your or husband close ones.
 
S

spirit

Guest
#15
#15
I know how you are feeling as I have been married for over 20 years and my mother in law has been one of the greatest caregivers in our family. The worst thing is your hub to be is squashed in between 2 women who they are suppose to love the most. What I would ask myself is after years of experience is how does your fiance handle his mother? Is he spoilt by him mum, if so it will be harder as he may not be able to stand up himself if she draws the line. If he is a strong and caring person and knows how to handle both sides well and uses a but of common sense, you will have little problems. Is she controlling with his son? Open hearted or overprotective?Ask yourself those questions first and you will have some idea what your future will be like. Good Luck
 
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intercessorginger

Guest
#16
#16
Well, first of all she is not your Mother-in-Law unless you are married to her son. Right now, she is only your boyfriends Mother. If she is abusive with you, the best thing you can do is stay out of her way. Im sure you can invite your boyfriend to your home where you will both be treated with respect. It is an issue you will have to think long and hard about.
I'ts not unusual for difficult people who are not in subjection to God and the working of the Holy Spirit to remain the same all their lives, or even get much worse. Sad to say, but true. A difficult or abusive in law can cause you years of heartache so think twice about making a lifetime committment to this family.
 
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