Before I get to the issue, I just want to mention that I am new here. I tend to wring long articles, but I will try to keep this short.
I was born to God-fearing parents who were zealous about the faith. They wanted to bring me up in the ways of God. Things did not go according to their plan and my childhood went awry. My parents used to fight almost daily. They were completely opposite to each other that they could just never get along. I still remember how I used to beg my parents to stop fighting. Growing up in such an atmosphere was not going to be easy, but on top of this I had to deal with a lot of abuse and bullying (at school, at church, almost everywhere). There was hardly a day when I fell asleep without crying - all because I just wanted somebody to love me. In the end all this made me into a person who can be emotionless and cold.
While all these struggles should have drawn me closer to God, it did the opposite for me. I could not accept that God had permitted this to me when I was His child, born to Christian parents. When I was in my first year of college, I fell in love with a childhood friend from Church. We had known each other since our junior sunday-school days and even our parents were good friends. Around the same time, I was beginning to come back to God. Unfortunately, my relationship with her only crushed my faith even more.
I began to detest Christians because I felt everyone was a fake - claiming to be spiritual on the outside but nothing inside! I could find no love among the Christians I knew - their love was conditional and it was so fake. I know this is not right to say, but this is what I feel. I have learnt to survive by myself and I live life my way. I am fiercely independent and I usually am a loner. That does not mean I am anti-social - my circles are large and I have a number of them - school, church, college, etc. though I keep them at a distance. I have learnt the meaning of love, the meaning of acceptance, the meaning of joy - and it is not the meaning they teach in Church. I have become so disillusioned with Christianity that I don't even know if I am a Christian anymore. That does not mean I do not love Jesus. I love Him. I pray to Him. I worship Him as my Lord and Saviour. But I do not follow him the way the Church teaches everybody to - the holier-than-thou attitude with an outward show of love.
I really am at a cross-roads. I find no love in the Church nor in the people who go there. But I find myself worshipping the same God that they do. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is with me or with them; I wonder who is being deceived. I live life with no regrets - I live it by my choices and by my decisions. Today, if you ask me if I am a Christian, I would say 'I am not a Christian by the way the Church defines it. I choose to worship Christ as my Lord and Saviour.' I do not know if any of you can understand my thoughts or what I am trying to say. I am just typing whatever is running through my mind at this moment although it may not appear coherent to some of you. Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions with me on this matter.
I was born to God-fearing parents who were zealous about the faith. They wanted to bring me up in the ways of God. Things did not go according to their plan and my childhood went awry. My parents used to fight almost daily. They were completely opposite to each other that they could just never get along. I still remember how I used to beg my parents to stop fighting. Growing up in such an atmosphere was not going to be easy, but on top of this I had to deal with a lot of abuse and bullying (at school, at church, almost everywhere). There was hardly a day when I fell asleep without crying - all because I just wanted somebody to love me. In the end all this made me into a person who can be emotionless and cold.
While all these struggles should have drawn me closer to God, it did the opposite for me. I could not accept that God had permitted this to me when I was His child, born to Christian parents. When I was in my first year of college, I fell in love with a childhood friend from Church. We had known each other since our junior sunday-school days and even our parents were good friends. Around the same time, I was beginning to come back to God. Unfortunately, my relationship with her only crushed my faith even more.
I began to detest Christians because I felt everyone was a fake - claiming to be spiritual on the outside but nothing inside! I could find no love among the Christians I knew - their love was conditional and it was so fake. I know this is not right to say, but this is what I feel. I have learnt to survive by myself and I live life my way. I am fiercely independent and I usually am a loner. That does not mean I am anti-social - my circles are large and I have a number of them - school, church, college, etc. though I keep them at a distance. I have learnt the meaning of love, the meaning of acceptance, the meaning of joy - and it is not the meaning they teach in Church. I have become so disillusioned with Christianity that I don't even know if I am a Christian anymore. That does not mean I do not love Jesus. I love Him. I pray to Him. I worship Him as my Lord and Saviour. But I do not follow him the way the Church teaches everybody to - the holier-than-thou attitude with an outward show of love.
I really am at a cross-roads. I find no love in the Church nor in the people who go there. But I find myself worshipping the same God that they do. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is with me or with them; I wonder who is being deceived. I live life with no regrets - I live it by my choices and by my decisions. Today, if you ask me if I am a Christian, I would say 'I am not a Christian by the way the Church defines it. I choose to worship Christ as my Lord and Saviour.' I do not know if any of you can understand my thoughts or what I am trying to say. I am just typing whatever is running through my mind at this moment although it may not appear coherent to some of you. Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions with me on this matter.
