Relationship help :(

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K

Kitmagic

Guest
#1
#1
I'm 17 and I'm in a relationship with my 16 year old boyfriend and we've run into some trouble. We have been together for seven months. We are both Christians but I tend to have more values than he does. For instance, when I met him, he swore a lot. I told him that I did not like swearing and he stopped for me. At first I was surprised that he did it so cold turkey. After that he said that, I didn't hear one swear word from his mouth. I was impressed and I thought that maybe he wasn't just doing it for me, but because it is the right thing to do. I have trust issues and at first I thought he might be doing it behind my back, since that is what a few of my friends in the past have done. But I decided to put my trust in him because I thought he was the type of guy who wouldn't do something like that. As the months went on, I fell more and more in love with him. But then I found out he swore behind my back. It was a big shock for me and very painful and I couldn't handle myself. I still cry about it. Part of it is that he did it even though it made me unhappy and part of it is that he didn't directly tell me the truth. He didn't directly lie either, but he kept the truth from me. He knows he hurt me a lot and he has apologized. I love him so much and I am on the verge of forgiving him but the one thing that is holding me back is that if I tell him I forgive him, he might keep doing it behind my back and I am afraid I will get hurt again. I am also afraid that it will be really hard to trust him again. Whenever I see or hear a swear word now, (which is a lot) i imagine him saying it. I hate living through that. I imagine stuff in my head about hearing him do it, me running off and crying, and him not caring. So my question is: how do I forgive him? How do I stop these images that I get about him that may or may not be true? And how do I put my trust in him again?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
A few thoughts. I mean, come on, you're dating someone 16, not exactly at the height of maturity. Get a grip on yourself as to what you can expect over someone who is not even an adult.
Secondly, yes, i understand swearing is bad, but if you're going to have a melt down because he swore when you weren't around, you're going to have a hard time in relationships. People do wrong, people make mistakes. If you are making that big of an issue over something that small then you have some really high standards and very few people will ever be able to live up to them.
Also, when you go into a relationship with someone, you can't view them for their 'potential', who you think they can be. You can't go into a relationship putting expectations on people and expecting them to change how they act to be with you. Chances are that person isn't changed at all on the inside, they're just temporarily changing their behavior around you to pacify you. But that can only last so long before the person true personality and attitude comes out. Fact is, if you want to start a relationship with someone, you have to accept them for who they are, faults and all, and do NOT expect that you can change them.
Personally it seems to me you aren't ready to be in a relationship. I don't mean that to be mean, but you even talked about having issues with the fact that other friends have done the same thing. I just picked up lots of red flags in the things you said.
 
Cheekygrin

Cheekygrin

Senior Member
#3
Jan 25, 2011
125
11
18
41
#3
I'm with Ugly on this. Solid advice and observations.
 
R

Relena7

Guest
#4
#4
A big part of being in a good relationship (or any solid friendship) is learning to accept the other person for who they are. Flaws and all.
Then, you gotta make the decision if the flaws are bad enough that you might be better off without him.

Do his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities? Is it 50/50? 80/20? etc. Can you put up with having a swearing boyfriend? If not, the timing might not be right for the two of you.


P.S. In my opinion, trying too hard to change someone when they don't wanna change never works out in the long run.
 
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HeftyFine

Guest
#5
#5
If it upsets you that much that swears then it's not worth it all the tears over it although I do think you are overreacting a bit. We all have things in our life that get to us and that we need help with. Your boyfriend had the guts to stop doing it in front of you out of decency and yes swearing isn't a good trait but if he's not with you when he does it then I don't see what the fuss is about because it's still HIS life and for all you know it's something he personally struggles with. There are always going to be bad things with people you meet in life, whether it's a friend, relative or boyfriend but the hard part is that you need to accept people for who they are. As long as they are treating you well and with respect then what they choose to do with other aspects of their life shouldn't concern you and if it does so much then it's time to let go of them. I suppose the more you see of life and get out there out of your sheltered world you'll get used to different people but maybe right now you're not there yet. I'm also 17 but have a wide variety of friends and have gotten used to people with different viewpoints and values and at the end you just have to step back and be concerned about your own life. I'm not saying you should not try to help other people get on the right path, but it's their choice ultimately and you cannot control them no matter how much you want to. If in your heart you cannot accept your boyfriend because of his swearing and that brings you down completely then it's not fair towards you or him to carry on with this relationship. The only way you will get rid of those images is through life experience and accepting that people out there ARE different and some do swear and it may seem horrible but that's the reality of the matter.
 
J

jimsun

Guest
#6
#6
Valuable & succinct advice from Ugly.
Read it; Re-read it then remember & act on it!
If a person can't express themselves adequately without resorting to swearing then something's missing!

Re the swearing: Just speak slowly & think about your words - It does work -
Speaking slowly was something I had to master after a brain injury, but it does force my point in any conversation.
If I ever have to use overt-ripe language, I do. So in Gaelic (So few folk know what I'm saying)!!

Saol fada chugat!
 
HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Senior Member
#7
Apr 30, 2011
2,308
352
83
#7
Forgive me for my frankness but you are in a tail spin because he used a swear word(s)? Inappropriate? ..yes but hardly a reason to be so broken up. How will you react over a more serious issue?

You said yourself that when you MET HIM he swore alot. You had a choice then to keep walking or date him you chose to date him so you got what you got. Now you are in a Tizzy...why? Over something that you already knew he struggled with? Learn your lesson and move on. This time wait on the Lord to direct. When we are not patient and want what we want we tend to move ahead of God. .

I'm sorry that you feel hurt but shake yourself and snap out of it. You should redirect your focus....especially at 17 worrying about a relationship shouldn't be in the top 5 of your list. Not saying you don't have any other interests but maybe focus on those MORE.

This immaturity, both of experience and emotion, can cause you to react in a way that isn't good for you on any level. Breathe you'll be ok.
 
P

peachetty

Guest
#8
#8
Ugly said:
A few thoughts. I mean, come on, you're dating someone 16, not exactly at the height of maturity. Get a grip on yourself as to what you can expect over someone who is not even an adult.
Secondly, yes, i understand swearing is bad, but if you're going to have a melt down because he swore when you weren't around, you're going to have a hard time in relationships. People do wrong, people make mistakes. If you are making that big of an issue over something that small then you have some really high standards and very few people will ever be able to live up to them.
Also, when you go into a relationship with someone, you can't view them for their 'potential', who you think they can be. You can't go into a relationship putting expectations on people and expecting them to change how they act to be with you. Chances are that person isn't changed at all on the inside, they're just temporarily changing their behavior around you to pacify you. But that can only last so long before the person true personality and attitude comes out. Fact is, if you want to start a relationship with someone, you have to accept them for who they are, faults and all, and do NOT expect that you can change them.
Personally it seems to me you aren't ready to be in a relationship. I don't mean that to be mean, but you even talked about having issues with the fact that other friends have done the same thing. I just picked up lots of red flags in the things you said.
Click to expand...

i agree 100%

and i have to ask a question.
did he tell you he was going to stop swearing all the time or just around you? why was he stoping? did you exsplain all this to him? i mean... he may think hes being fine by just not doing it around you but you really want all the time.....
but ya. ppl make mistakes. you need to be more concerned with yourself.
pray about it and when you think about his sin give it to God and let it go. :D

the end :)
 
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blindncool

Guest
#9
#9
I'm with everyone on this. Everyone has flaws and if you're going to build a good relationship then you should accept the good and the bad. aAnd yeah, at least he had the decency to stop swearing in front of you. And who cares about doing it behind your back. And the immages about him swearing in your brain, prayer might work.
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#10
#10
At this point, it may seem cliche to simply agree with Ugly's post, but honestly, I think he nailed it; both in that this guy you're seeing is probably not the epitome of maturity, and also, I think there are worse things in the world to lament over. I'm not belittling your stance on the use of vulgar language.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good." - Romans 12:9
 
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The-Prodical-Son

Guest
#11
#11
Yup, I'm with Ugly also. But yeah, i can see how it hurts,
A girl did a similar sort of thing to me. But look, if he can't stop something as small as swearing for you then he ain't the right guy. That is all
 
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