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I am back to say, that after finding my wife had an extensive affair with a married man, and TRYING to work things out... we are going to get a divorce.
Please, I don't have the strength to go back and fill in the details, please search the forums for my posts to get the back story... I'm devastated.
The forgiveness that I immediately offered to her, was never asked for from her... until finally a few weeks ago she asked. It was out of anger during an argument, but it was all I needed for me to put full closure on this horrible thing... she only needed to repent and ask to be forgiven. But even that was quickly taken by her. She said that my forgiveness wasn't what she wanted, was useless and not important.
Before I start getting responses of how I said she was forgiven at the start, therefore I have no right to think she would ask for it afterward... please let me point you to the way our salvation is written. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, the price for our sins are paid. He says we are forgiven, yet we must repent of our sins and ask for that forgiveness. I am NOT trying to put my need for her asking to be forgiven on the same level as that of asking for forgiveness that is given by our Lord... but I do not see the two as that much different in the process either.
I have been attending Christian counseling for a while now, whereas she has all but refused to go. We both attended 2 group sessions, where she completely closed herself off to what the counselor was saying... that she had NO justification for committing adultery. Stepping outside of the bounds of our marriage, is unacceptable, IF she were so unhappy, there were MANY other avenues to take... but adultery was NOT one of them. When I found out about this affair, I immediately suggested we get to counseling. I was looking for ANY way to repair our marriage, or at the very least for some way to help build our friendship and trust so that we could grow our marriage. I gave my all and then some, finding a way to check off all of her list of things she told me that I was lacking, and every time, she would just move the goal. The ONLY constant in what she was asking of me, was for me to completely leave the affair alone and not discuss it or bring it up. I would manage to do so for a week or two, and then something would trigger my fears of her continuing her extra lifestyle.
She was constantly hiding her texts, her emails, her money, her time, and where she went. We have 3 boys, one of them being 15, and HE admitted to me the other day that he thought mom was doing something she shouldn't be doing. He told me of the countless times she would take calls at home on her cell phone from a man whose voice he has heard often. She would leave the room to go upstairs to our bedroom and close the door to stay there for hours at times, while I (dad) was away at work.
I just couldn't handle it any more. I asked for her phone a few nights ago, and in an emotional moment, she handed it to me... she immediately regretted it. I started to go through her text logs of previous texts she had sent, and she freaked out. She immediately snatched it from my hand and looked as though she was going to snap. It was the most horrible thing I have ever had to watch. She was all but in a nervous break down... hyperventilating, complaining of feeling sick, losing her color, pacing back and forth, this horrible look of frustration and fear on her face because... she knew she had been caught... again. She kept showing me screens of different things, current texts, current emails, current phone calls... saying over and over again that I should just leave it alone... she has shown me EVERYTHING. She wouldn't let me see the text logs, the screen that shows all of her previous texts. It was frightening to see her come apart as she did, and what's worse, our boys heard the entire thing.
She had told me SO many times over these past 4 months that this affair was over. SO many times has she placed the blame on me for why she did what she did. Over and over again in these past 4 months, she has made me feel that I am the cause for us STILL having problems, because I just will not let go. And then I find this... she was still with him.
She has been told by me that I have taken ALL that I can, there is nothing left in me to push for repair. I am spent both emotionally and physically. Now we are to the point of divorce. She tried to hand me separation papers yesterday, I nearly laughed out loud. She was demanding that I leave, she wants to keep our children, with me having visitation as she sees fit, I pay half the mortgage, half the medical for our 3 boys, but threw me a bone by not asking for child support. And had the nerve to sit there and tell me to sign it, it was only temporary until the divorce gets underway, where we can then negotiate more clearly. WHAT?!?
Let me get this straight... she has a sexual affair with a married man for over a year, an affair that started by my findings at least 4 years prior with sexual emails and comments, and I am the one who gets to be punished?!?
I have an appointment with a divorce attorney within a few weeks... which she is SO upset about. She wants this to be an uncontested divorce with NO reference to her adultery with the most minimal of expenses.
I can not believe that she lied SO often, so easily, and with such disdain for me and our children. Sadly, here in the state of Georgia, it is so strongly slanted against me as the father, that it is all but the most uphill of battles. The expense is going to be more than I have, and I will in all likelihood lose... but this is going to far.
The Christian side of me tells me to try and find a middle ground that is keeping things as comfortable for our boys as possible. The human side of me says that she should leave, she should not have custody, she should pay half the expenses while I am allowed to continue homeschooling our boys as I have done for years now... teaching them good Christan values and bringing them up with good Christian morals.
Sadly, I don't think a judge is going to allow that, no matter how much evidence I have to prove what she did... she's their mother and the courts most often sway in their favor. So... she has an extensive emotional affair for years leading up to a sexual affair, she has unprotected sex with a married man for at least a year or more, AND at least once during that affair does so in the presence of another female that participated one night... and again... I GET PUNISHED?!?
I am just devastated... absolutely devastated.
Our oldest came up to me yesterday and asked, "what if we don't want to go with her?" I nearly broke down in tears. I told him that I just don't know, I wish I did, but I just don't.
I know she loves them, she just didn't care about them while this was going on with her "friend"... but I am worried... deeply worried. The ease in which she lies, is it really love she has for our children, or could it be that she just doesn't want to lose anything further? I hate myself for asking that question of the woman I would have died for. The one person on this planet where I would have stood before the gates of hell with nothing but a spoon.
Now... I must try to keep my head up and the smile on my face, while she continues to try and pull our world apart by placing restraints on me with our children and demanding that I keep her in a lifestyle that she wants.
Please pray for us, not just for me and our boys, but for US... she deserves forgiveness... but at this moment... I am struggling. My knees are week and my eyes are constantly filled with tears. Please pray for us.
Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
Please, I don't have the strength to go back and fill in the details, please search the forums for my posts to get the back story... I'm devastated.
The forgiveness that I immediately offered to her, was never asked for from her... until finally a few weeks ago she asked. It was out of anger during an argument, but it was all I needed for me to put full closure on this horrible thing... she only needed to repent and ask to be forgiven. But even that was quickly taken by her. She said that my forgiveness wasn't what she wanted, was useless and not important.
Before I start getting responses of how I said she was forgiven at the start, therefore I have no right to think she would ask for it afterward... please let me point you to the way our salvation is written. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, the price for our sins are paid. He says we are forgiven, yet we must repent of our sins and ask for that forgiveness. I am NOT trying to put my need for her asking to be forgiven on the same level as that of asking for forgiveness that is given by our Lord... but I do not see the two as that much different in the process either.
I have been attending Christian counseling for a while now, whereas she has all but refused to go. We both attended 2 group sessions, where she completely closed herself off to what the counselor was saying... that she had NO justification for committing adultery. Stepping outside of the bounds of our marriage, is unacceptable, IF she were so unhappy, there were MANY other avenues to take... but adultery was NOT one of them. When I found out about this affair, I immediately suggested we get to counseling. I was looking for ANY way to repair our marriage, or at the very least for some way to help build our friendship and trust so that we could grow our marriage. I gave my all and then some, finding a way to check off all of her list of things she told me that I was lacking, and every time, she would just move the goal. The ONLY constant in what she was asking of me, was for me to completely leave the affair alone and not discuss it or bring it up. I would manage to do so for a week or two, and then something would trigger my fears of her continuing her extra lifestyle.
She was constantly hiding her texts, her emails, her money, her time, and where she went. We have 3 boys, one of them being 15, and HE admitted to me the other day that he thought mom was doing something she shouldn't be doing. He told me of the countless times she would take calls at home on her cell phone from a man whose voice he has heard often. She would leave the room to go upstairs to our bedroom and close the door to stay there for hours at times, while I (dad) was away at work.
I just couldn't handle it any more. I asked for her phone a few nights ago, and in an emotional moment, she handed it to me... she immediately regretted it. I started to go through her text logs of previous texts she had sent, and she freaked out. She immediately snatched it from my hand and looked as though she was going to snap. It was the most horrible thing I have ever had to watch. She was all but in a nervous break down... hyperventilating, complaining of feeling sick, losing her color, pacing back and forth, this horrible look of frustration and fear on her face because... she knew she had been caught... again. She kept showing me screens of different things, current texts, current emails, current phone calls... saying over and over again that I should just leave it alone... she has shown me EVERYTHING. She wouldn't let me see the text logs, the screen that shows all of her previous texts. It was frightening to see her come apart as she did, and what's worse, our boys heard the entire thing.
She had told me SO many times over these past 4 months that this affair was over. SO many times has she placed the blame on me for why she did what she did. Over and over again in these past 4 months, she has made me feel that I am the cause for us STILL having problems, because I just will not let go. And then I find this... she was still with him.
She has been told by me that I have taken ALL that I can, there is nothing left in me to push for repair. I am spent both emotionally and physically. Now we are to the point of divorce. She tried to hand me separation papers yesterday, I nearly laughed out loud. She was demanding that I leave, she wants to keep our children, with me having visitation as she sees fit, I pay half the mortgage, half the medical for our 3 boys, but threw me a bone by not asking for child support. And had the nerve to sit there and tell me to sign it, it was only temporary until the divorce gets underway, where we can then negotiate more clearly. WHAT?!?
Let me get this straight... she has a sexual affair with a married man for over a year, an affair that started by my findings at least 4 years prior with sexual emails and comments, and I am the one who gets to be punished?!?
I have an appointment with a divorce attorney within a few weeks... which she is SO upset about. She wants this to be an uncontested divorce with NO reference to her adultery with the most minimal of expenses.
I can not believe that she lied SO often, so easily, and with such disdain for me and our children. Sadly, here in the state of Georgia, it is so strongly slanted against me as the father, that it is all but the most uphill of battles. The expense is going to be more than I have, and I will in all likelihood lose... but this is going to far.
The Christian side of me tells me to try and find a middle ground that is keeping things as comfortable for our boys as possible. The human side of me says that she should leave, she should not have custody, she should pay half the expenses while I am allowed to continue homeschooling our boys as I have done for years now... teaching them good Christan values and bringing them up with good Christian morals.
Sadly, I don't think a judge is going to allow that, no matter how much evidence I have to prove what she did... she's their mother and the courts most often sway in their favor. So... she has an extensive emotional affair for years leading up to a sexual affair, she has unprotected sex with a married man for at least a year or more, AND at least once during that affair does so in the presence of another female that participated one night... and again... I GET PUNISHED?!?
I am just devastated... absolutely devastated.
Our oldest came up to me yesterday and asked, "what if we don't want to go with her?" I nearly broke down in tears. I told him that I just don't know, I wish I did, but I just don't.
I know she loves them, she just didn't care about them while this was going on with her "friend"... but I am worried... deeply worried. The ease in which she lies, is it really love she has for our children, or could it be that she just doesn't want to lose anything further? I hate myself for asking that question of the woman I would have died for. The one person on this planet where I would have stood before the gates of hell with nothing but a spoon.
Now... I must try to keep my head up and the smile on my face, while she continues to try and pull our world apart by placing restraints on me with our children and demanding that I keep her in a lifestyle that she wants.
Please pray for us, not just for me and our boys, but for US... she deserves forgiveness... but at this moment... I am struggling. My knees are week and my eyes are constantly filled with tears. Please pray for us.
Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
