Scary fight, need advice

[Friend_Request]

My husband and I are both Christians, and have been since childhood. We've been married for 7 years. We both deal with emotions differently. I communicate my anger/frustrations as needed, and he doesn't. He saves them up then explodes. It's only about twice a year, but when he does, it's always a big fight. We are great about keeping the kids separate from it but tonight I'm afraid we neglected to do that. I could tell it was gearing up to be one of his episodes, so I was in a rush to get the kids to bed. We were bickering while grocery shopping already, so the mood was established when we got home. He knew I was not feeling well at all. Symptoms of stomache flu and he knew that I was in a rush to get the kids (aged 2 and 4) to bed because it was 1 1/2 hours past bed time. I was hurting, and sweating, but pushing through to get them to bed. When I got to my daughters room, I found him in there texting, not helping. I told him that it made me angry that he was doing that instead of helping me and he became extremely agitated, and told me he's not a child and shouldn't be treated like one. We were bickering while getting the kids ready for bed. We were at the part of our routine where my daughter needs her asthma medication given to her, and I asked him to do it because I wasn't sure if I needed to be sick or not. He put her on his lap to give it to her, but kept yelling at me for the way I talk to him. I was annoyed and asked him to hurry up and give it to her, then he put both his hands on her head and very quickly and very forcefully whirled it almost 180 degrees. I gasped and screamed. It looked to me like the move that people always do in movies to break necks. She was scared and crying. I ordered him to give her to me and as she was standing up to run to me he shoved her hard and nocked her over. Then he slammed the door and scared them both. He didn't tell them goodnight, or tell me where he was going. He's gone now and in our vehicle. It's raining and he is not the best driver (3 accidents since Christmas alone, a bunch of others in the years before that) Im scared he'll crash again. I don't know what to do about our fight. I am worried for my daughter. He's not the type to abuse children. I am completely shocked about this, and completely alone. I dont have anyone to go to. I don't have a lot of family, and I have one really close friend, but she is very judgemental and brings up stuff I confide in her at later times infront of other people and it really embarasses me. I need someone to talk to about this, and prayer. Please help.

 

[Ugly]

Sounds like he's forming abusive patterns, and has anger issues. You need to start taking steps now to be prepared in the possibility his episodes escalate and become more violent over time. He is exhibiting patterns of this already, and there is a good chance this will happen more often and the violent outbursts will become more frequent and and directed and both you and the kids.
He needs boundaries and counseling now, before things progress. Don't wait for him to get worse and then try to figure out what to do, start planning NOW in the event that this does get worse, you'll have some idea of what to do. So many women do nothing when these patterns start, and end up feeling trapped once it's in full swing. Don't fall into the idea that he would 'never' become violent with you or the children. He's showing a problem with his temper already.

 

[maxwel]

Will be praying for you.

 

[zaoman32]

Sounds like he's forming abusive patterns, and has anger issues. You need to start taking steps now to be prepared in the possibility his episodes escalate and become more violent over time. He is exhibiting patterns of this already, and there is a good chance this will happen more often and the violent outbursts will become more frequent and and directed and both you and the kids.
He needs boundaries and counseling now, before things progress. Don't wait for him to get worse and then try to figure out what to do, start planning NOW in the event that this does get worse, you'll have some idea of what to do. So many women do nothing when these patterns start, and end up feeling trapped once it's in full swing. Don't fall into the idea that he would 'never' become violent with you or the children. He's showing a problem with his temper already.

Exactly what he said. I can say with absolute confidence, you and the kids need to get out of there. I'm not saying get divorced, but you and the kids need to be gone, in order for you and him to be able to work on this. If he is losing his temper bad enough to treat one of your kids like that, you cannot afford to allow it to happen again.

 

[dyingeveryday]

Have prayed on this and will continue. I can't back Ugly up enough on this. Address this issue and set up boundaries. Silence is what allows abuse of any kind to thrive. Be bold and draw close to God. You stated that you don't have much family or people to go to. You're completely shocked and completely alone. I would urge you to have faith and take hold of what you have in Christ. Don't take the attitude of being isolated and feeling trapped. All of these emotions are the devils tools. Instead you're going to have to march through this knowing that you are not alone and that you have the most powerful God on your side. You are going to need to act with this kind of authority. Like Ugly said, this is a pattern developing. How you deal with this determines everything. Your actions here will determine if this becomes a pattern in your life or not. If you set up boundaries it will make this impossible. Find your strength in God who will not lead in the wrong direction. In Christ I have faith that all will be well.

 

[kenisyes]

Hopefully by now he's home. I checked and he's been gone from 11PM-3Am if he's not, and you could still have bad weather where you are. There is cause for concern. It's hard to evaluate when you are coming down with the flu. But this does need to be addressed, possibly with a counsellor or pastor. You and he have got to learn to discuss things before it gets to this kind of situation.

 

[danschance]

There is a book you might want to get if he will read it. It is a Christian book about anger and gives examples of how people mishandle their anger. Anger is a God given emotion that when used properly is healthy and beneficial. Unfortunatley it can also be dealt with in a harmful way.

Here is a link:
Amazon.com: The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You... (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series) (9780840745743): Les Carter, Dr. Frank Minirth: Books

If he doesn't want to read this book then ask that he get into therapy.

 

[Fenner]

I'm sorry, I'm praying for you. I agree with Ugly, you and your children safety concerns me. Your husband needs help. Please find a safe place for you and your children, I don't like where this is headed. God bless you.

 

[Lucy68]

Your husband needs help! If my husband had done that to one of our children I probably would not have allowed him back in the house except to get some things to stay somewhere else. And I would insist that he get counseling about his anger issues. You and your children's safety comes FIRST.

Hope you're feeling better. Do you have some Christian friends who can help you?

 

[damombomb]

Anger management. He must be harboring some deep- seated issues. Have you talked to him to see what is causing this?
You do not have to walk on egg shells like that. Prayed for you and your children a hedge of protection.

 

[yac11]

I am sorry. I will pray for all concerned.

 

[Friend_Request]

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to know there are people out there who know about this kind of thing, and that I am not alone. Im sorry i didn't respond sooner. Being new to this site I wasn't sure how to navigate it. He came back at 1:30am. We had a long talk. We talked to our pastor too. We are setting up counseling with the pastor. His good friend, who is a christian is getting him a book on anger management. I have required that he sets up counseling with a licensed counselor as well. He has a deadline of tuesday to make the appointment or the kids and I will go to a friends house. He doesn't know where my arranged safe house is. We are continuing to work out boundaries today, and will continue to do so. We have set them up already. He is to leave when he first starts feeling anger. He is not to spank the kids. If he doesn't follow these, the kids and I have an arranged ride to our safe house. He also is setting up a monthly "guys night" with his christian male friends who are married and they can talk about issues in confidentiality with each other. Thank you again for your replies. Some of what you guys have said has struck a cord in me, and made me realize some things, and made me stronger too. I will keep praying God's will be done in this, and for His direction.

 

[dyingeveryday]

So glad to hear this. Will continue prayer also.

 

[kenisyes]

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to know there are people out there who know about this kind of thing, and that I am not alone. Im sorry i didn't respond sooner. Being new to this site I wasn't sure how to navigate it. He came back at 1:30am. We had a long talk. We talked to our pastor too. We are setting up counseling with the pastor. His good friend, who is a christian is getting him a book on anger management. I have required that he sets up counseling with a licensed counselor as well. He has a deadline of tuesday to make the appointment or the kids and I will go to a friends house. He doesn't know where my arranged safe house is. We are continuing to work out boundaries today, and will continue to do so. We have set them up already. He is to leave when he first starts feeling anger. He is not to spank the kids. If he doesn't follow these, the kids and I have an arranged ride to our safe house. He also is setting up a monthly "guys night" with his christian male friends who are married and they can talk about issues in confidentiality with each other. Thank you again for your replies. Some of what you guys have said has struck a cord in me, and made me realize some things, and made me stronger too. I will keep praying God's will be done in this, and for His direction.

It is rare to see someone respond to God as thoroughly and as quickly as you have done. Congratulations on a balance of love and common sense. Keep us posted?

 

[intercessorginger]

I think you both should consider counseling in order to improve your way of handling stress, anger, and frustration. It should also address your methods of communication as a couple r which also needs some work. No one is "born knowing" how to work with another person, and marriage, children and all that entails can really add to the problems. It is actually something that can be taught and that can be learned.

 

[HoldingOn2013]

You can't internalize and take the responsability for some else's actions. You, as a mother, are responsible for your children's well being. That is the priority here. Safety seems to be an issue here and you should take steps to prepare yourself in case you have to leave and fast. It may seem a bit extreme to you if you don't think that is an issue, but wouldn't you rather be prepared.

I hope you read this fully! I hope this is not the situation and I'm reading to much into it, but as I stated before... so much better to be informed and prepared.

Just a thought or idea to help in keeping your kids connected to you if they are with you during a fight..
From my personal experience...
My son was young, so I used to just grab his little hand in mine and gently scratch the inside of his hand. To him it meant I was telling him a secret "I love you". It calmed him and during big fights I felt I would sooth my son and help him know I was there for him. To this day, my son (now 16) still reaches out to me for this "I love you" but does not remember where it started.


[h=2]Help for abused and battered women: Safety planning[/h]Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are things you can do to protect yourself. These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.
[h=3]Prepare for emergencies[/h]

• Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
• Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
• Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.
• make and escape plan

• Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
• Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
• Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

[h=3]If You Stay[/h]If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, there are some things you can try to make your situation better and to protect yourself and your children.

• Contact the domestic violence/sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services while you are in the relationship, as well as if you decide to leave.
• Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
• Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at yourself and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Allow yourself time for doing things you enjoy.

 

[Pooh]

I have very much experience. Don't take this. It was already scary enough with your child in the middle of it and being pushed. You need to do something right now to draw that line. I waited 13 years in silence and then my world literally began to fell apart 4 years ago as I could no longer take it. It will escalate I promise you that. You will feel guilt for posting this when he comes back and all seems normal, like a happy family. Don't fall for that guilt! And do not feel quilty even when all seems happy and loving. He has already violated you and your child. What really works and I found the answers a little too late is that you draw a clear line at the beginning. Call the cops if this kind of thing happens. Do it right away! He will only learn once he's arrested and he has to answer for his actions. Like for kids, there has to be consequences for his unacceptable behavior. I guarantee you this. i waited too long and once I did just that, called 911, had to do that a couple of times but the physical abuse ended pretty soon after after a lot of heartache and damage but the emotional and verbal abuse increased as he was afraid to be arrested again. The kids will understand that there is a "time out" for grown ups too when they do bad things. Something to think about. Maybe just go away with the kids and perhaps that will force him to seek counseling to prevent any more damage to your family. I know you feel at some point like you betrayed your family and nobody knows him like you. And he wont be an abuser. Wrong. He already has displayed that behavior, doesnt matter what the reason is. He might say you made him do that, you got him to act that way. Wrong! You will see . Feel free to message me if you feel the need. And let me just say that Mr. Ugly is also very good at offering support, knowledgable regarding this subject Hang in there!

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

Please come back & let us know how things are going. Praying for God's peace & love to surround you & the family,and for wisdom in your situation. God Bless.

 

[francisx]

Please,do be calm,don't be agitated.He may be under pressure in this new role as a father.Not all can handle it.We'll be praying on this,but approach a counsellor.